After seeing Humble's wife, I remembered a joke:
A woman threatens her boyfriend, "If you don't stop calling me fat, I'm leaving you!"
"Don't do this, darling! Think of the baby!" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
"We don't have a baby!" erupts the woman.
"Wait—you're not eight months pregnant?!"
Anyway, Humble's wife should be arrested for identity theft. She's out here calling herself Aphrodite while looking like Aphro-ate-everything.
Her name should be Ketodite—patron goddess of "I'll start my diet Monday."
I don't hate such people but I certainly would like to stay away from them. I died because of one such woman after all.
"Weight a minute," I said. "Is she your wife?"
"I saw what you did there, my lord," Erect said, like the loyal sidekick of a villain with a mic.
I gave him a nod and a smug smirk. He stood beside me like a henchman at a roast battle.
"Yes. She is my dear wife," Humble replied.
Not dear. Bear wife.
My guy didn't marry her for love—he married her for a life insurance scam that never activated.
"No wonder you married her for the money."
"What are you saying, my lord?" Aphrodite gasped like she wasn't fully aware of how mirrors work.
Of course she doesn't know why her husband married her.
"Nothing."
I ignored her and glanced at Ovary, the poor man. Then back at Humble.
"You sure this man is sleeping with her? Bro, the most he could do is sleep on her. And maybe suffocate."
"Nice one, my lord," Erect chuckled. Man's developing a sense of humor like a fungus in damp sarcasm.
"Please don't joke about me, my lord," Aphrodite said, trying to wield dignity like it wasn't already pancaked under the roast.
"Oh, come on. Don't be so sensitive. You're bigger than that."
"Better than the previous one, my lord," Erect added, now my official roast hype-man.
Even a few onlookers cracked a smile.
Time to go full Netflix-special mode.
"She's just a little thick, my lord. Please don't make fun of her," Humble said, defending her like a man holding an umbrella in a meteor shower.
"Of course. I'm sure her gravitational field is what attracted you in the first place."
Laughter. Real, brutal laughter.
Roasting is humanity's last honest language.
"Why are you doing this, my lord?" Humble asked, his voice sandpapered with discomfort.
"Don't make fun of me." Aphrodite also said. Her voice was rough from the start.
But I was already airborne. I wasn't stopping till I hit a mountain. Or a lawsuit.
"Hey, Humble. Congratulations," I said.
"For what?"
Cue drumroll. Time for the kill shot.
"Most people have queen-sized beds. But you—you got yourself a bed-sized queen. That's a whole damn achievement."
"HAHAHA! Amazing, my lord! Where did you learn this?"
"I came for a quarrel. Didn't expect a comedy open mic."
"Keep going!"
Oh I will, random citizen. I will.
Because now there's a crowd, and this might be my big break.
All of them could be my future audience.
"Please, lord, don't make fun of my choice," Humble pleaded.
Bro lost the 'my' in "my lord." That means emotional damage level: CRITICAL.
But I couldn't stop. The people demanded blood and punchlines.
"Yes, my lord," Erect spoke. Everyone turned.
He gave me a wicked smile. "Don't make fun of him. I'm sure he weighed his options."
I stared at him.
I'm making this man my co-host.
"Oh! This other hero's good too!"
"Keep 'em coming!"
Then, a random peasant piped up. "She's so fat, instead of a wedding ring, she wanted an onion ring."
Mid-tier. But points for effort.
"I got one too!" another guy said.
They are turning this into a competition. And I am all in for that.
"Go ahead. Anyone can say whatever they want. Keep them pouring." I gave permission to everyone.
And the people let loose.
"This man has his own planet."
Facts. If she wore a belt, we'd call her Saturn.
"She looks like she swallows kids but not in liquid form."
"Her husband is lucky. She looks like she is tons of fun."
"At her wedding, the wedding cake was missing. Because she ate it all!"
"Hey! Leave fat people alone. They have enough on their plate."
"She's gonna need a crown as a ring."
"Anyway, whatever sinks your boat, Humble."
Then—
"ENOUGH!"
A voice like thunder interrupted the roast war.
I had hoped it was Humble but turned out, it was the poor man. It was Ovary who shouted.
Everyone froze—not out of fear, but because... why the fcuk was he defending her? Was this about ethics or erections?
And Humble? The husband of the woman. The man was still laughing, eyes red, lungs broken. He cracked before the crowd cracked him.
I can understand the wife would face problems in standing up for herself, but Humble should be angry. Not Ovary. Unless…
Ovary stomped forward like an anime rival in a rom-com and stood in front of Aprhodite's husband.
Humble was still laughing but before he could understand anything, Ovary gave him a knuckle sandwich so thick, it came with fries... which humbled Humble real quick.
Also, I am now beginning to understand something.
Ovary glared at everyone. Even me.
That was bold. I'm the CEO of this chaos.
Then he took the woman's hand. Aphrodite looked shocked, like a fast food restaurant told her that they were out of mayo.
"What are you doi—"
"There's no point in hiding anymore, love," Ovary declared like he was auditioning for a telenovela. "Your husband is trash. He laughed while they mocked you. But not me. I'll treat you better. Marry me. Let me be your safe space."
Collective gasp.
And like the opportunistic man I was…
My arms spread like I was Moses parting the sea of WTF.
"And there you have it!" I shouted.
Everyone stared. Even Erect looked like his brain got blue-screened.
"What?" I said, all innocent. "You thought I was roasting for no reason? Bro, I just solved the case. Now you know—whatever Humble accused Ovary of, it's true."
Everyone squinted like they were trying to read the Terms & Conditions of my logic.
Of course they didn't believe me.
Heck, I didn't believe me either.
I pulled that speech out of nowhere, like a magician yanking rabbits out of emotional damage.
I didn't solve the case—the case solved itself while I was busy doing stand-up at someone's emotional breakdown.
But could I admit that? Hell no. I had a crowd. I had claps. I had Erect's admiration.
So I doubled down harder than a gambler with a gun to his kneecaps.
"I am the Hero King," I declared like a man who's clearly improvising in a group project. "I only wanted to give justice. Humble's wife is having an affair, which is obviously wrong…"
Ovary and Aphrodite looked at me like kids caught by the principal, except they were also the culprits, the witnesses, the victims, and the fire alarm.
"But," I added, with the dramatic pause of a reality show host right before announcing who gets eliminated, "Humble doesn't deserve her. Ovary here—this man had the balls to throw hands for his queen. So only he deserves Aphrodite… and her money. Humble? May he be banished. May he walk the lonely roads of singlehood forevermore."
Ovary and Aphrodite beamed like I'd just baptized their sin in holy sarcasm.
I smiled.
"The justice… has been served."
CLAP.
CLAP.
APPLAUSE.
ROAR.
The crowd lost it like I was Judge Judy and Jerry Springer had a baby.
I turned a public roast into a courtroom drama and somehow walked away as the gavel-wielding god of nonsense.
Ovary looked at me with newfound respect, like I was Buddha with a side of petty.
Aphrodite walked toward me.
I stood still, smiling… but also internally screaming:
Please don't step on my toes, please don't step on my toes, please don't flatten my fuckin feet.
She stopped just in front of me. Beamed with a joy so radiant it could power five cities—and feed them.
"You can rest assured now…" I began, all noble. "Justice has been served, my lady."
"I know," she said, her eyes sparkling like cake frosting in sunlight. "I just want to ask…"
She glanced left and right like she was about to buy something illegal from under a trench coat.
And then she asked, with dead-serious hunger in her voice:
"Where is it served and can I get five of them?"