We used to have Empires ruled by Emperors, Kingdoms ruled by Kings,
Now we have countries...
———
So you scrolled down here, huh? Congrats—now I have to narrate what's happening even though my brain is emptier than a politician's promise jar.
After pulling off Almighty Pussy™ (don't ask—I'm still banned on five subreddits for that move), I vaporized every Alien tee‑bagging our airspace. Yet the common folk are still glaring like I just stole their Wi‑Fi passwords.
I drop to the ground; Erect lands behind me.
Note to sidekicks: Never stand behind me. I'm the King, not your personal screensaver. Get in front or go home.
Anyway, forget Erect—time to pacify the Angry Civilians. But first, I issue a little executive order:
"All Heroes not native to Titilis—pack your capes and fly back to your own continents. Too many power puff idiots make the plot messy."
One Hero steps up, kneels—big loyalty cosplay.
"As you wish, my lord. Slight snag, though."
"Snag me."
"Can't find Cock Bang anywhere. He's from my continent."
"Oh, him? Dead. I jumped on him, and he got splashed so hard even the Grim Reaper asked for ID."
"Ah. Right then… good day."
Poor Cock Bang: dies, nobody even updates his wiki page. #RipCockBang
The foreign Heroes zoom off like budget fireworks, leaving only ten local Heroes—they line up behind me like I had a big bank and they wanted the view.
Finally, stage clear. Time to address the peanut gallery.
"People of Titilis, is everyth—"
"EAT SHIT!" someone yells.
I spot the heckler: a scraggly man with the vocabulary of a broken parrot.
"EAT SHIT!" he repeats.
Buddy, change the track.
"Eat shit!"
That's it. Imma do a comeback if he said that again.
"EAT—"
"Bro, I'm not touring your kitchen."
The Heroes behind me chuckle—can't tell if it's sincere or the hostage kind.
Scraggly gets red like a tomato flirting with a blender.
"How DARE yo—"
"Chill. Drop the mixtape of insults and tell me what's broken."
"Child," An elderly, trembly voice cuts through
Then out waddles Grandma Ogre—imagine a bench‑pressing refrigerator wearing granny beads.
I mean she had a huge burly build.
Only her voice was shaky, everything else was still intact.
"Why are you all angry?" I asked.
"What were you doing when the Aliens attacked? Look at our houses, everything is destroyed. What kind of Hero King are you? You stayed inside your castle when they were attacking. And you joined to fight when everything was burning. You bastard!"
Dang, Granny came loaded with ammo and no safety. She had started her dialogue with child and escalated real quick.
But okay, their anger makes sense: property damage. But they're wrong about my location.
"I wasn't chilling in the castle, everyone. An Awakened Alien broke through the roof and attacked me. Tell them, Heroes."
Erect backs me up:
"Yes. My lord is right. The second Awakened alien he killed was in the castle. Even the supreme man notified you all about it. After killing that Alien, he came to fight here right away. It's not like he was wasting his time by telling jokes. He is serious about this stuff."
I see. He's still salty that I did a short stand up to the Alien, but I am glad he places loyalty first.
Granny Ogre snorts:
"No one will believe you. Your Heroes will take your side no matter what. You must be telling jokes to the Alien and laughing together. You must be planning to make an alliance with him but you killed him accidently. You are lying."
Is she psychic? That's… disturbingly on point.
I cleared my throat.
"Look, new roofs and shiny storefronts will calm you, right? I'll fix everything."
"For now," Granny growls.
For now? Lady, you want a diamond chandelier too?
But fine—happy subjects, happy King. Time to flex a Skill:
[Johnny — The Construction Worker]
(Yes, there's also Johnny the Astronaut, Johnny the Plumber, maybe Johnny the Tax Evader—and if you didn't understand this, we need more people like you.)
The Skill Activated, and boom: Houses rebuild, shops restore, streets un‑crack. Even two women still dry‑humping on a rubble pile keep going without cooldown. Gotta respect that stamina.
The crowd finally unclenches.
I beam.
"Anything else?"
"Yes, child," Granny Ogre says.
"Tell me. I will do anything for my subjects."
The ogre granny nodded.
She stepped towards me, slowly.
I remained standing, waiting for the oldie to come.
The ogre granny was now just in front of me.
No matter how she was, she was like my grandma. I will always respect older women. They are always sweet.
She shuffles up, cheeks sagging but biceps that could bench‑press my kingdom.
She leans in, whiskey‑breath hot against my ear.
"I haven't had sex in thirty years. Show me why you are the King."
…
Instant regret.
Delete respect.exe
This old bitch is nasty.