It was loud, so loud. Why did it also have to be dark?
I wasn't alone. Did I want to be alone? Those shrilling voices made me tremble and fall to my knees, cupping my hands over my ears to just make it shut up!
"You're so stupid."
"I never liked you."
"It was all a job to me."
That stupid voice was Dawson. His mockery was loud and almost laughable, and he mocked me in a way that was growing louder. The sound bounced off the walls and tore into me like I was some sort of toy.
I was useless.. I was stupid-
A hand came out, ripping my hair up, and made me cry from the sudden pain. I crashed eyes with him, Dawson's mean gaze sneered in my face.
"You were nothing to me!" He spat in my face, thrusting me back onto the cold ground. Grubble picked up, flying over my face, which made me spit out a gag.
The noises grew apparent to me; it was the screaming and firing of guns. Bombs went off, causing my body to shake from the rumbling of the ground. The yelling grew louder, frantic to get help, to call for help, people were dying. This shouldn't be new to me; I had faced death thousands of times back with my team.
I scrambled to find my feet, almost falling back over when a bomb went off closer to me. I did end up falling back down, letting out a scream when my leg burned from the explosion.
It hurts to move, it hurts to even think.
I was never one to give up; I always fought back and kept going. I tried, picking myself up just as the gun went off, picking at the dirt beside me. I crumbled close to myself, letting out hacks of dust and blood.
I still tried, pulling my arms up that dug into the rubble until I could pick up what was happening around me. Men ran around, either falling to the ground or shooting off their guns to the enemy. I put my knee under my weight, biting my lip as the heat intensified and settled inside my body. I huffed harder, tears in the corner of my eyes.
The faint sound of movement, and I turned to where it was. I was crouched beside myself..
I found Dawson lying beneath the border that we used to cover ourselves from the gunfire. He was yelling some orders as I shot back. The ground beneath my feet shifted as I watched the lieutenant hold the radio to his mouth and give commands.
But the radio was off.
It was never on.
The pain and anger made me fall back off, screaming at my own stupidity until the ground fell and I dropped with it. I hit something hard, landing on my back with my mouth filled with lost air. I tried to turn to my side to pick myself up, but a weight was weighing me down on top of my chest.
A hand came out, gripping my neck, and a shot of pain was felt digging into it. The voice of a stranger spoke to me, the weight almost crushing my lungs as he dug the blade into my neck. I tried to fight back, but my hands felt so limp and useless, pushing the bastard off of me.
I turned to try and resist the blade to my neck when I saw Dawson just watching.
He watched, a pinched expression as the man screamed vile words into my face. His eyes were almost pitiful watching me, as if my struggle was hilariously humorous for the man.
It was painful, sucking in a breath to only have it ripped out by a pained scream. I fell back down, knocking into a wall that pushed me back onto my feet. I coughed, tasting blood along my lips.
I heard voices on the other side of the door I had just hit. I staggered and pushed my shoulder against it until the door swung open, revealing Dawson and the commander in conversation. The lieutenant was informed that he had to take Squad 6 with him. His expression soured, and he attempted to protest against their involvement.
I felt the sinking feeling, the knowledge that he didn't want us to come.
Maybe he did care?
The pound in my head made me fall to my knees, and darkness surrounded me again. I felt like a loop was forming. I could hear the exact words spoken to me in a harsh tone. I would see the same dark pit forming under me, letting me fall to the endless abyss. I would see him.
Dawson. Loud and angry.
His eyes filled with mockery, his words laughing at everything that I could show.
I was nothing to him. I never was-
My love had turned into hatred for the man. I love what I thought I had, but he saw it as fake. So why do I have to see it as real?
It wasn't for him, so it won't be for me.
He came at me, but this time I caught it before he could even open his mouth.
Hitting him in the face, he staggered back with a busted lip. It was still curved up, still smiling as if I hadn't just punched him in the face.
He opened his mouth to insult me again, but I had enough of it. I pounced on him, knocking the man over as we tussled around. I got the upper hand, landing hit after hit to his face until I could see nothing but blood.
His blood.
Not my blood, not anymore. He was the one to bleed; he was the one who paid; he was the one who deserved this!
"You deserve this!"
A hit.
"You betrayed me!"
Another hit.
"YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME!"
One more hit. My voice was inked with another one, sounding so different from my own, darker, colder, more empty. The same voice that would speak to me, the same voice that would tell me things that I already knew.
I knew it was all a lie; I knew Dawson's love was fake. I knew that she betrayed me.
Dawson vanished, leaving my bloody hand hanging above a new person's head. But it wasn't a person, it was Janus. Her bright eye was fixed on me, glowing brightly and with its usual soft tone. My hand shifted, strong pain pulled me forward to continue with my rageful hitting.
It angered me to see her look at me like that. The intense pulse in my heart clawed deeper and deeper until I could feel it in my veins. It soaked through my skin, holding tightly onto it like it was intending to suffocate me.
I would let it, I would let it kill me if it meant I could continue hitting.
"My darling..." Her voice was soft and elegant, as if her lips weren't covered in blood but held the same smooth, pink lightness.
I hesitated, keeping my hand raised; it trembled at the sight of her. The warmth of her body, the soft tone of her voice.
I hesitated, and I didn't know why.
The soft smile drew me closer. Her eyes held so much comfort that I felt like I might fall over and let her have me completely. All I wanted was her; all I wanted was for it to be us.
But then her smile turned lopsided, and darkness overtook her face until all I could see was my reflection. It smiled back at me, looking pleased to catch me off guard.
It was fake.
This time, the voice was so much more unmistakable to me. So much closer to my ear, I could make out the deep male tone to it, the snarky remark that it held beneath its tongue.
She didn't love you. No one did.
"No one did." I released a breath, sinking lower as I stared at myself. The painted tears, the blood along my jaw, the emotionless eyes, and the tilted smile.
The pain, the pain wasn't there, even if I knew I was bleeding, even if I knew I was painless, crying from something else. It was the emotions, the rage. All of it helped to ease my body back up, something hot in my hand that was weightless against my grip.
I growled, punching my reflection and shattering it into pieces.
I let myself fall, I let myself tumble and hit everything because it didn't matter anymore. I couldn't feel the pain, I couldn't feel anything but that heat in my heart, that heat in my hand.
Nothing else mattered but my rage for vengeance.
—
. . .
It hurt. This was a familiar sensation for the goddess as she wandered through the halls, searching for any distraction. She could sense it—the severed connection to Vienna. She had no idea what was happening to her, whether she was in pain, or if she was in any danger.
The anxiety was causing her to neglect her usual duties. The other goddesses noticed this change, though both Minerva and Ballona chose not to address it. Laetitia, on the other hand, often ignored the goddess entirely. Occasionally, she would be accompanied by Terra, who would come to check on her.
It was strange indeed. Janus wanted to be left alone. She loved how much Terra would try to cheer her up and give her something to do, but none of that could help with the pain.
It became so much that Janus couldn't continue with the aimless wandering; she had to do something else. So she decided to check on Vienna's friends; they would surely need to be checked on since the last time the goddess saw them, they were screaming and crying.
The guilt was stronger, but the goddess held back and forced her body to move toward the angels. They would generally be out and about, doing something fun together. But the goddess found them in Angels Cove, in a room that she believed to be the blonde ones, Seth.
They sat on the bed, Rory and Seth together with Bridget, snuggled in between the two. Casper lay a few inches away from them on the ground, his body reeking of pain.
Separation, of course, the poor pup knew it was missing something when its angel was sent somewhere it could not follow. Janus turned to the three angels on the bed. Bridget was in between the other two, her face stained red with tears. Seth was playing with her hair, as the other angel had their hands on top of his hips across from Bridget.
All of them had faint tears on their faces, red and lined with age.
Janus got hit harder with the guilt, watching the way Seth soothed Bridget's in a comforting way. Rory played with his clothing, tugging a little at the end with an emotionless face. Through the haze of her closed eyes, Bridget tugged at the scarf around Rory's neck, her fingers trembling as she did so.
None of them spoke, only the silent wheeze of Rory letting out a breath. Bridget spoke up first. "Why.. why would Orwell say something like that…?"
Seth pushed his head closer to her, "he was worried about you, maybe."
"That doesn't give him the right to do that to Vienna!" Rory huffed out, curling their legs closer to the other two.
Seth hummed, hearing Bridget hiccup slightly. "I.. I love him. Why would he?"
"Don't think about it, Bridget," Seth quickly hushed her, tightening his hold to hug her closer. Rory mumbled the same thing, though they looked very irritated at Orwell.
"Bunny.." They let out, making both of the angels perk up. "Bunny also.. validated that she was.." They sucked a breath in, "but she didn't do it-"
"She didn't do it on purpose." Seth let out, making the redhead glare at him.
"What's that supposed to mean!?"
Bridget whined, but Seth explained. "She did it to protect Bunny.. Bunny had realized that, but it's too late."
Rory hummed, grumbling under their breath as they wiped the stray tears away. "She is a good friend. She wanted to protect Bunny, but she called her out instead! She sent her down to Hell!"
"Rory.." Bridget curled her hands around their neck, pulling them into a hug.
The redhead cried, sobbing into the girl's shoulder while she held her tightly. Seth joined the embrace, rubbing the back of Rory's head as their partner continued to cry into the small girl's shoulder. "She doesn't deserve that," Seth said. "She deserves to be up here with us—where she is safe and where she is loved."
Bridget cried again, hiding herself in them until Seth teared up. He silently cried, his wings trembling as they hung over his friends. Casper whines from where he lay by the bed.
"She is loved." He let out, closing his eyes tightly shut before he spilled it all over his friends. "She is still there, even if she is down there."
Janus stayed still, watching the angels cry to themselves in silent agony. Those soft whispers of hiccups, of short breaths trying to breathe in any bit of air..
It all overwhelmed her, weighing heavily on her heart. She found herself back in the palace, standing by the tall window that overlooked the garden in the back. Her gaze shifted to the pond, nestled among the trees. A warm feeling spread through her as she reminisced about Vienna, recalling the two of them holding hands and dancing.
Just the two of them.
She was safe then, she was with her..
She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't stand not doing anything, worrying about her angel, worrying about what she had done.
The goddess went back there, opening her eyes to greet the darkness that surrounded this room. It was quiet and empty, only the distant sound of dipping water as the Gate Goddess summoned the light in front of her. She closed her eyes, praying to the Lord Goddess to answer her calls.
She waited.. and waited until she received an answer.
It was shrouded, then it became higher and more pitched than before. Janus reopened her eyes to the light, bigger and brighter than before, and the soft snicker of disoriented voices greeted her before the harsh grunt of the Lore Goddess did.
Janus! Wassup?
Her breathing evened out, and she will not get cold feet at the sound of her voice. It was unusual for her to invoke the goddess so frequently in such a short period. But she must swallow her pride, focus on Vienna.
"Greetings.." Her voice sharpened, taking in the way the voices snickered at the tone. "I have something I wanted to discuss with you."
Regarding Vienna, I suspect?
The way she said her name sent a ripple of worry down the goddess's spine. She bit back a growl, focusing on leveling out her breathing so it did not spike. "Yes. I assume you know what happened?"
She fell. The goddess giggled, letting out a weird rasp. I know of all the angels that fall. Although this one... This one is quite unusual.
Janus let out a harsh sigh, "Yes. It is about her. May I know where she is at the moment?"
Someone's in love, the Lord Goddess teased. Though Janus was unimpressed, a slight tilt turned her lips up slightly. She brushed it off immediately, making the other goddess continue. Right, right, the fallen angel is currently in the Dead Zone.
"The Dead Zone.." Her body trembled, and the other goddess noticed it, letting out a hack.
Goddess, you are too much! She is not getting ripped apart, don't worry, the angel seems to know how to handle herself very well.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
She could practically feel the smirk rise on the non-existent face across the light. She killed a Hellbeing with her bare hands, Janus. That little angel of yours is a monster, haha!
"She is not a monster." Janus quickly defended, worrying, striking her in the heart at the image of Vienna having to fight those creatures. They were hell spawn, unable to speak but only able to eat the beating hearts of the Underworld holds. "There is more I must know. There is more you are hiding from me."
Whatever do you mean~?
She bit the inside of her cheek, stopping herself from having an outburst at the faceless speaker. "I know something has blocked me out. More than just being transferred from a different dimension, someone has a hold on her."
Ahh, I forgot how well your senses are. It's a wonder how you managed to get so tangled in something reeking of chaos that Vienna has.
Janus wanted to defend her angel, but she couldn't. She could not lie that the angel had trouble following her around, but it's one of the reasons Janus wants her here. She can keep it away, keep her safe.
But she cannot do it if she doesn't know precisely what is happening to her.
It's less about what and more about who. A snicker followed by a humorless laugh before the Lord Goddess went on. The Lord of Vengeance has a current hold on her.
Janus felt her skin tingle with anger as it bubbled up inside her. She suspected that the Lord would overpower the angel, even in Wonderland, where she was supposed to be safe. The Lord had still managed to take control of Vienna, twisting her mind, her memories, and her thoughts. Janus didn't know how he had managed to reach her, but she was determined to find out.
It was bad. Having the Lord on her will surely ruin the angel's hope more than ever. It was already being torn apart as he fought over the holdup in Wonderland.
Down there, he had a permanent hold on her…
I can assume you could have guessed this?
"I wished I was wrong." She breathed out, the tense posture in her wings ached, and emotions grew under her skin that she was just barely holding onto. "He... What is he doing to her?"
Don't play me like Janus! You already know what he can do, what he is doing.
"Can you intervin-" She stopped herself, realizing what she was asking.
The Lord Goddess had already caught on, letting out a loud, thunderous laugh. Your hilarious Janus! You think I will get into this to stop it? Her laugh felt like needles digging deeper into her control. No, this is too fun to stop. I want to see what happens next. I want to see what he can make her do.
"Even if it causes another Break?" The Gate Goddess spat out.
You know me so well.
Janus glared intensely into the glowing pit, watching as its edges were slowly consumed. Her anger began to take control of the environment around her. Craving fire or spitting flames, the tips of her wings soared with the wind. She had to gain control and stop herself before she lost both her sense of self and Vienna.
She had to invoke the Lord Goddess to stop it, to stop it before Vienna did something she would regret.
"You.." She sucked in a breath, feeling the tightness clamp down as it tore through her heart. "Let me through the barrier."
… The Lord Goddess did not respond at first; silence stretched on, enough to make Janus impatient. You want to come here?
"Yes. Let me through the barrier."
Do you know what you are asking Janus? The Lord Goddess had her usual tone back. You want to come down here, leave Heaven unprotected?
"I can protect it," Janus promised, glaring at the uneven light that flickers through her eyes. "I can do both."
You can come down here AND keep the Transition up? I had never seen you do that before, all for this angel?
"Let me through the barrier." She spoke harshly again, growing frustrated at the whining tone from the other goddess. She knew that Vienna meant more to her, that she was willing to go to the Underworld and leave Heaven.
She was the main thing protecting it; if she were gone, the Transition would break and another war would break out… Angels will be harmed, souls will be lost. The thoughts of what happened the last time were haunting.
And she was about to do it on purpose?
For Vienna. It didn't matter.
Those were selfish thoughts, but the goddess couldn't care. Vienna needed her, and she required Vienna.
She knew this; she had always known that Vienna was important to her, that Vienna meant more than just an angel. She brought back the life Janus had lost decades ago—the real reason her heart spiked, the real human warmth she had longed to feel again. All of it, Vienna gave to her.
She must return the favor; she must protect her.
She must have her safe with her. She was safe.
A long sigh pulled the goddess's attention back to the light. When she thought about Vienna, she noticed how the dim shadows began to fade. The angel calmed her down.
I will open it on my end, but my help will end there. Janus stopped her shoulders from dropping as she released a sigh. You will have to keep your own up, I will not meddle in your Transition, only my own.
"I will have done what I need to do by then." Janus nodded to the light, shifting her wings before they leveled up to her ears. A faint noise in the distance caught her senses on high alert; the goddesses were looking for her.
Oh, looks like someone is in trouble~
The Lord Goddess teased, letting out a raspy giggle that Janus chose to ignore. She quickly raised her wings, aware that if the other goddesses caught her talking to the Lord Goddess, they would become suspicious. She didn't want them to know about this encounter; it felt wrong, but she didn't care.
"Thank you, Lord Goddess," Janus said with a curt nod before bringing her hands together. In an instant, the light vanished right in front of her. She could almost hear the goddess's sing-song voice wishing her luck as she did so.
Janus did not need luck; all she needed was her faith in Vienna.
And she already had that.