She watched her.
She watched helplessly as Vienna fell. She let them take her angel away, right before her eyes, as Vienna descended into the Underworld. Her hands reached out, trying to grab onto anything, but an unseen force pulled her back, restraining her wings and arms. She felt trapped, unable to resist the judgment that every goddess imposed.
Every goddess except Janus.
Minerva felt it; she felt that Janus didn't grant access for the hellish beings to grab onto the angel and pull her down. Instead, the Gate Goddess tried to drift the angel into a slumber where she would be at peace as she was pulled down. The goddess wanted to make it as painless as possible for her.
Who knows if Vienna could feel it, could feel the same pressure Janus used to take all of the anxiety and worries away. Janus wanted to do something to stop it.
She couldn't; all of the goddesses were against her, and she had no way to stop it.
As soon as Vienna was gone, the floor patterned back up, and the golden aura faded back into view. The screaming and sobbing from the angels' friends ached the goddess's heart; Casper's sad whimpering only made it stronger.
She felt her legs give out. She turned to step through the doors and out of the sentencing room before she finally collapsed to the floor.
It hurt so bad.
She placed a hand over her heart, feeling the warmth being drained away by a strong pulse of pain that throbbed through her. Her eyes were moist and rimmed with hot tears; the goddess had never felt such intense hatred for the system and for herself before. She had never lost her composure like this. Never, in the decades she had served and protected Heaven, had she experienced such a moment. She loved Vienna as deeply as she loved her own existence.
And she let them take her away. She let them suck away life from her and replace it with the crushing pain rippling along her skin, deep down into her bones that shook from the force.
"Janus!?" Terras' frightful voice came to her aid, a loving hand placed on her shoulder, and the Gate Goddess fought the urge to crumble on herself further. "Darling.."
Janus shook her head, biting the inside of her cheeks to stop the tears. She wanted to cry, scream, and lash out.
But most of all, she wanted Vienna back. She tried to jump down and sweep her away from the hellish place.
She lacked the usual sense of herself, the comfort of knowing that she was safe and not in pain. Now, all she felt was the pained realization that she was gone; she was no longer here in Heaven, where Jnaus could protect her and keep her away from the revengeful path that she knew Vienna felt every time she remembered.
She had remembered it.
She remembered what that man had done, and she blamed herself for it. It was bad and unsafe for the angel to feel so much hatred…
Janus tried to provide her with one last sense of peace, attempting to ease her into that darkness until the connection was lost and she could no longer hold onto her identity. It was all too overwhelming; she knew Vienna was gone, but she refused to accept it.
There was so much she wished to do—
So much she will not be able to do..
"Darling... Janus, please." Terra tried to calm her, using her scent and lively beauty to soothe the other. But the other goddess was too far away to feel her hot wings trembling, and her head almost pressed into the ground.
Terra had never seen a goddess lose herself in all the decades she had been here. She was older than most, so it was shocking how much the goddess loved Vienna.
She regretted letting the other goddess steer her into the mindset of separating them, but a small part of her thought it was the right thing to do. Vienna was indeed dangerous, but that was it.
Janus would have to realize that, even if she doesn't want to.
The sound of footsteps approached them, accompanied by a soft sigh from the Attendant Goddess as she observed the fallen Janus and the concerned Terra. Despite feeling a hint of pity at the sight, she maintained a stern and cold demeanor. "I've already told you, Janus," she said. "What needed to be done was not easy, but it had to happen."
"Minerva." Terra let out a soft warning, her eyes fixed on the hollow look of the goddess, who held all the wisdom.
Ballona let out a scoff, crossing her strong arms. "She proved to us that she was, in fact, dangerous. The only fault is hers."
Laetitia frowned, looking a bit sheepish as she stood beside the towering goddess. She spotted Janus and inhaled sharply at the sight of her shivering wings. Although Laetitia wasn't exactly sure how she felt about the small angel, she was certain about Vienna's feelings for Janus. Vienna had a unique ability to bring happiness and excitement to others, but this also led her to exercise restraint.
Vienna practiced that restraint with Janus; she wouldn't allow herself to openly express the truth about her feelings. Yet she had done it—she had confessed her love for the goddess.
The Euphorian goddess knew it would be nothing, but the sight of Janus after that interaction—the sight of Janus now—
She definitely believed she was wrong.
The goddess loved the angel for reasons unknown, perhaps due to the intense agony reflected in the angel's eyes as she fell. The goddess struggled to soothe her feelings of despair with her own joy, and Terra was unable to offer the other goddess a reason to relax and simply breathe.
No, Janus was rejecting it all. And they could all feel it, even the two who stood tall and proud at the decision to send the girl down there.
Laetitia regretted it now. Even if it was the right thing to do, she didn't want the outcome to be like this.
Those cries from her friends haunted the happy goddess, and her own friend crumbled into herself.
Janus stood up, regaining her straight posture, though her wings trembled harshly against her back. Red lined her eyes, making them look soft, yet the tense way her face was set did nothing. It looked like something was pulled away from her, like she had lost part of herself.
She looks for Minerva and the other behind her, a glare forming on her soft face. The comfort she had always given her fellow goddesses was gone, and she felt empty.
Minerva held back the urge to shrink at the way she looked at her, trying to open her mouth to say something, but fear held it back. It was not the same for Ballona, the goddess; her smile opened as she spoke.
"You can find someone else to put all your effort into. That angel was a handful, wasn't she?" The goddess did not respond; her hard look did not falter. Ballona did not care; her wings puffed up. "She is where she belongs, Janus."
The air shifted, and Janus disappeared from them. Starling everyone when she was here for a moment, then gone the next. Minerva let out a hard sigh, feeling air finally come to her. "Someone, go find her. Make sure she is okay."
Ballona let out a scoff, looking unimpressed.
Terra gave a disapproving head shake. "I am disappointed in all of you."
Ballona growled at Minerva, rolling her eyes as Minerva bit the inside of her cheek in response to the guilt she felt. "We did what we had to! Why blame us when that angel was the real problem?" Ballona bellowed.
Terra remained silent and slowly walked away. Ballona rolled her eyes and went in the opposite direction. This left the Euphorian Goddess trying to sneak out the door until Terra spoke to her. "Find Janus, will you? Make sure she isn't searching the boundaries of the Underworld for that angel."
Laetitia didn't want to do that; what Janus did was none of her business. But she felt the goddess's voice authoritative over her and nodded as she left to find the other.
Minerva stood there alone, fighting the urge to second-guess herself over the punishment she gave Vienna.
. . .
—
It scraped against my back, ruffling through my wings as I fell full force further and further. It suddenly grew hot, so hot that I scrambled in the air to pull away from it. It burned my back, my skin, and my hair until I was screaming, clutching myself to withstand it.
I coiled into a ball the best I could, letting out screams in the open abyss as the fire spread out along my skin, singeing the clothing along with my skin. I could smell the blood.. my own blood from the cracking of my wings and the blood pooling from my nose. The more I fell, the more it bled. I could no longer scream; all I could do was coil and whimper when voices shouted all around me.
Mockery, laughter, and hate all of it sounded so plain and clear to me that I was opening begging for everything to stop-
To go away-
Why can't I be left alone?
So many words, so much hatred and fear clouded everything I thought I knew. It dug deep inside my heart, clawing at the precious love I had for Dawson, the love I had for my friends, and for Janus.
The ground below me crumbled as I crashed right into it. I let out a hard breath, tumbling in circles until my body finally landed with a hard crack. I couldn't tell if it was my bones or the ground; the ringing in my ears didn't allow for any sound to surface. The shaking of my limbs, the tearing of my wings from the crushing pain sliding along and under my skin.
I lay there, feeling like I was already dead.
It was no longer hot; I still felt like I was burning, but that was from the pain and the burnt end of my clothes as I was thrown down here. It was cold now, it was wet?
It hurt to move, but I had to force my hand under myself to lift my body up. I let out harsh whimpers, clawing at the ground with my hand that was submerged in water. I took a look around, finding that not only was my vision blurry, but it was foggy wherever I was.
Well, I knew where I was—at least, I thought I knew—but this place looked strange.
It was very foggy, and I could hear a few sounds, like the crackling of bones. Water splashed against my skin, soaking into my ruined clothes, which felt heavy and weighed me down. My skin was burning from the cold, while heat throbbed beneath the surface, making it feel as though I were almost sitting in the lake.
If it was even a lake?
The water was a murky red, almost like blood, and dirt washed into it.
Maybe my own blood, but I didn't bleed that much. The more painful part is inside of me; it was like parts of myself were crushed and minced into pieces.
I gave up halfway, opting to keep my legs curled below me with my wings sagging on either side of my arms that were stretched out to keep my head from going under the water. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to see, and it hurt to cry.
Why?
Why was I still crying?
Why was I even shocked?
Dawson betrayed me, he lied about everything. He tricked me and mocked me until I killed us both.. Bunny always thought I was dangerous. My friends, are they even my friends anymore? They watched as I fell, as I was sent to this hellish place as punishment for not being able to control myself.
I was weak. I couldn't control anything, not even my own thoughts!
"Fuckers!" I let out a scream, sobbing louder as the tears fell into the murky water below me. I sobbed and cried like a little child, alone in the dark, dreary world in which I was not saved from..
Why did I think Janus would save me?
It made me feel even worse than her letting it happen; it was my stupidity to think she would actually save me from it.
My heart pounded louder in my ears, ringing and ringing with my own sobbing that grew more audible in the empty space.
Something curled around the beating of my skin, the draining of my blood turning hot and filled with anger. It turned cold, ice-cold beneath the flesh I wore. It was almost painful if my mind wasn't racing with thunderous thoughts and emotions.
One was clear to me, and it was anger.
I felt betrayed; my sobbing and anger made that clear. The pain of being let down by Dawson, Bunny, my friends, and Janus was deeper than any physical wounds inflicted on my already battered body. It numbed me, the cold feeling sinking deeper and deeper into my heart. I sensed something carving into my heart, slowing it down to a dull ache that took over my entire being.
The once thunder I felt in my skin, my heart was numbed. The clawing grew strong; I almost expected it to tear out my heart from the intricate carving. I had felt before, felt the hold it had on me before it pulled and ripped me apart.
Amidst the ringing in my ears, I heard a faint sound of crying. It wasn't my own; it sounded distant yet close enough to pull me out of my tears. I quickly scrambled to my feet, straining my swollen eyes to look around me. The thick fog obscured my view, but the sobbing was growing louder and louder.
The sound dimmed, and a bit of a snicker sounded when a figure came from the fog inches from me. I flinched, my eyes growing wide at the sight of a... Thing.
It was a horrifying thing, with dripping black eyes that inked into its red skin. Small and sharp horns jutted out of its head, and small bat wings curled against its skin. It gave me a sickening smile when it stepped closer and closer, staggering on its bone-thin legs.
"Hick- hick-'' The thing mocked my sobbing, its long lips forming a frown that almost reached its thin neck. The sharp teeth protruding from its lips made my skin crawl, and I backed further into the water that reached up to my waist. "Wahhh wahhh.."
Its smile grew wider, and its eyes raised in an inhuman way that made the chill air burn colder into my trembling body.
Then, it opened its mouth that looked way too big for its body and jumped at me. I felt frozen, but my survival instinct wasn't. It quickly landed on top of me, its clawed, bony hands coming to try and grapple my neck as its thin body sat on top of me. Its wings wiggled around as it tried to grab onto my throat, cutting thin lines into my skin as it laughed like a maniac.
I let out a harsh scream when it put its strength into pushing onto my chest to lower me into the water. The back of my hair felt the cold water lift into it, soaking into the hair along with my lower back and wings. They tried to pick me up, scrambling around with my legs, trying to wiggle out of the hellbeings' hold. I also realized the thing had a fiery tail, the same color as its skin. The thing wagged behind it with its laugh growing so loud that it overpowered my thinking.
It didn't overpower my anger; it only grew when the thin cut me over and over again, as it laughed in my face when it was attempting to drown me. How it mocked me for crying, that its stupid fucking grin!
Kill it.
The voice was back, louder than ever before, and it spoke so close to my ear that it felt like someone was there. I couldn't dwell on it for long, so I quickly pushed my knees up to knock the monster over the other direction. It landed with a gurgling cry, its hand coming out to dig its claws into my shoulder.
I ripped myself away, quickly changing our positions as I sat on the thing and wrapped my hands around its thin neck. It let out a disoriented cry until it was swallowed away by the swarm of water when I submerged its head.
Make it PAY.
So much happened, so many emotions that I could barely control. I felt my body boil, push further and further until I could see nothing but the bubbles of the monster letting out jagged screams. I pushed harder, feeling something crack beneath my hands. But I kept going, harder and harder, just as that feeling came back to laugh in my face.
I will kill it-
I will make it pay.
I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't. So I smiled and laughed to myself as the creature grabbed and clawed at my forearms. Trying to push me away until its dying body let out one last thrust. Then it dropped, no longer struggling.
I kept my hands there, kept the rugged grip I had around its neck until I was sure it would no longer move at all. Then I slowly pulled away, feeling like I could breathe normally even with a monster dead beneath my body. I sat still, the chilling air brushing between my feathers and onto my bare, sore skin filled with cuts of my open flesh.
I just stared.. stared at the thing I had killed.
I killed it the same way I had killed all those other men. I had killed them in different ways, but I had still taken their lives. So what difference does this one make?
I was a killer, a monster myself.
The cold around my heart froze everything inside me. I couldn't hear my blood pumping in my ears, couldn't feel the heat of my boiling skin. Though I could feel the rage, I could sense it bubbling up from within and through something I couldn't comprehend.
I could feel it, but how could I explain what it was doing to me?
It had already happened as I stood up and stared at the monster with dead eyes.
The coldness, anger, and rage from the betrayal didn't tear at my heart; it sank into it, inking itself into my heart so that I could feel nothing but it.
Nothing but the rage.