It all came rushing back to me as soon as I was pushed away from the memory.
Dawson betrayed me.
Dawson betrayed his team.
Dawson shot me.
It was all a job to him.
He lied about everything.
I screamed, lashing out and hitting everything around me. I was alone, trapped in the same stupid darkness that ensnared me repeatedly. I would be grateful for it now if it weren't for the raging storm in my head. My body was rigid, and I thrashed violently, over and over, until I felt like my bones might turn to liquid.
I didn't stop at all. I didn't want to cry over this. Dawson didn't deserve my fucking tears!
I shouldn't cry for him!
He doesn't deserve it..!
Even as I told myself that, I was crying. I was sobbing, feeling restless and alone, floating with nowhere to go. I didn't like feeling confined; I didn't like being in this situation.
I wanted to run and just do something.
So my body kept it up, hitting and thrashing around with so much pain bubbling up inside. I hated how hot the tears fell down against my skin, I hated how it hurt to hiccup, how much it hurt to breathe.
A hand came out to grab my shoulder. I whipped around and punched the face away. I was pulled back, the darkness being sucked away to leave me sitting on my bed in Angels Cove.
My eyes were wide, staring at the five beings standing in my room. Bridget was the first to catch my eye. She had a hand pressed against her cheek, her eyes wide with shock. Orwell was next to her, glaring at me with disgust as his wings came out to defend her from me. Both Rory and Seth stood by the door with their own eyes wide with shock. Casper was curled behind them, tail tucked and ears flattened.
They all had their eyes on me, horror written on their faces.
"Vi.. Vienna..." Bridget stepped closer, reaching out to me with a trembling hand.
I could see tears in her eyes, and the trembling of her body filled me with fear. I quickly scrambled away, hitting the back of the board with a thud. Orwell stood in front of her, protecting the small angel from me with intense eyes.
My head began to pound as they spoke; it's crushing me from the inside. It was curling along my skin, tearing and ripping it apart. I let out a harsh scream, pulling my body close like it would protect me from it. It didn't, it seized me to only pull stronger until I felt like my flesh was ripped from my bones.
"Vienna!" Bridget called out, but she didn't come.
"Don't, Bridget," Orwell hissed, his voice dripping with urgency. The horrible smell he emitted only intensified my drilling pain.
"She's in pain!" The girl tried to defend.
"She hit you!"
I heard footsteps and the flapping of wings. "Don't—Vienna didn't mean to do that," Seth's voice came in, sounding close enough to barrel into my head and squeeze.
I clenched my eyes shut, feeling blood pool from my nose, along with my bitten lip that I was chewing relentlessly at. The voices grew, both worried and anger came crashing against one another. It only worsened the pain; it was scalding against my skin, making the blood feel like lava against my skin.
It was overwhelming, clouding my mind and consuming all my thoughts.
Just.. shut up!
"We need to go report her-" Orwell started to say.
The thumping of feet, "No! No, we are not!"
"You can't just keep this hidden! She is dangerous!"
Shut up!
"No, she is not. It was an accident."
"Oh, like that other time?"
SHUT UP!
"Yes! Stop trying to leave!"
"She could hurt someone else-"
"SHUT UP!" I felt my voice hoarse out at the end, my limbs trembling at the force I had pulling at my own hair. I stopped all of them from talking, seeing as they looked at me with fearful eyes. I had tears dripping down my face, blood smearing in with it all. "GET OUT!"
Hesitating, Seth came forward, but I bared my teeth at him. "Get the fuck out!"
They did so, scrambling to open the door before it was just me inside the room. I should feel better, I should try and calm my racing heart and stop the pain now that I could hear myself think.
But I couldn't; it was too much. I didn't know what to do, and it was distracting my rational thinking.
My mind flashed back to Dawson. I tried to stop myself.
"He is a traitor!" I screamed over and over again, feeling my voice grow hoarse.
I curled around my body and sobbed, the blood kept going to accompany the pain, crushing everything inside of me until I ran dry. It was too much to keep track of, my shaking body, my stupid mind remembering him and how much I love him. I loved him so much; I wanted to touch him, be with him, hear his voice, and feel his hands.
"Stop it!" I didn't know who I was yelling at; I just wanted it to stop. "Please..!"
It was so obvious, wasn't it? I had sensed something was off when his radio didn't work to call in backup, and he didn't explain how I had seen him awake while I was being attacked. He had taken my bullets from me and had always left us alone in the camp. He was absent when we were ambushed.
He didn't even want to bring any squad with him on the mission!
The signs were all there, yet I was so stupid I couldn't see them all. I was blinded by my love for him. How I liked him, I couldn't see what could be wrong with everything.
"It was your fault." I heard myself say it, but it wasn't my voice.
"He brought this upon himself, and now it's time for him to face the consequences." My voice echoed through the room, firm and steady. Amidst the chaotic sounds of books and plants around me, I felt a surge of energy and determination.
The ground shook, making me tip over until I realized that the whole room was shaking. I looked around frantically, watching everything fall apart. The room was falling apart.
The roof collapsed, crashing down onto me. I quickly jumped away, suppressing a cry as each movement sent pain shooting through my body. I stumbled toward the door, falling over myself in a frantic attempt to open it and escape. The roof fell behind me, nearly taking me with it, but I managed to leap out of the room just in time.
It crumbled behind me, leaving my body heaving and vision swaying from the adrenaline rushing over with the pain. I wished it were still like that, but the pain came back, harder.
I pulled at my head, ripping out of my hair to feel something other than the burning sear that was my skin. It was so close, so deep inside me that I thought I could vomit it out.
The clattering of voices, the whispers of feathers passing one another. I could feel their eyes; I could almost smell the worry along with the burning of my own flesh.
It dimmed; that one second without the crushing sensation felt terrific, and I almost fell over onto my face. The voices grew more apparent to me, loud and clouding my senses until I finally looked up.
Arden was here? She wasn't alone; several other warriors stood with her, each gripping their Branchies tightly. I could feel the pressure bearing down on me with every step they took, towering over my broken and aching form. The aftershock of the excruciating pain was harsh and bitter, like a sting that would bite back at me.
The blood I tasted was fueled by anger. Why did I have to be bothered repeatedly?
I never asked to have them in my room to check on me!
I never asked for anyone to care about me!
"Vienna-" Arden's stern voice was inches above my own. The blood grew stronger, pooling behind my fingers and through my white tunic.
I let out a scream, hitting the closest warrior to my side. I heard a grunt and the clatter of Branchies being unshielded. I flipped around, kicking the fallen warrior, Branchie, in my grasp. Another warrior came at me, their weapons raised and ready for combat.
My own form sagged and drained, but the fury I felt pumped through me was intense and vengeful. I went at it with everything I had, not caring that I could cut and scrape my skin, ripping at my clothing as the warriors tried to subdue me.
But they couldn't. I was too quick. I knocked them easily away, rashing my heated glare with Ardan, who stood motionless with the tip of the Branchie inches from her neck.
I know I looked pitiful, tears and blood falling down my face was a mess. Her eyes stayed looking at my own. I could feel the heat of the other warriors facing their Branchies to my back, ready to go at it again if they had to. But my limbs shook from the adrenaline and anger fading, I was so prepared to just collapse and cry myself away until I died.
The pain would definitely help with that feeling; it was messing with my vision as I tried to keep my eyes on her. Arden tilted her brow up, looking at me questioningly.
I cried, holding back the urge to scream in her face.
Everything was too much; there was so much to think of, so much to realize and comprehend.
And it hurts. It hurt so bad that I could barely even breath until it was crushing me in the dirt and digging its claws into my muscles. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to remember what he had done..
What I had done...
"I feel like I'm going crazy.." My voice was hoarse from screaming and crying, almost a whisper.
But Arden heard it; her eyes hardened as she looked down at the blade, almost touching the skin of her neck. "You must be if you think this is gonna do anything."
The stern tone in her voice was almost reassuring. I felt my legs tremble and wings buckle. I wanted to fall so badly, wanted to lie down and rest. I wanted to do nothing at all, I wanted to be nothing-
The tall warrior moved quickly, so quickly that I couldn't see her do it. But I could feel it, the harsh punch into my gut knocked the air out of my throat, and I sagged. My vision blurred, and the last of my consciousness slowly faded away, welcoming the darkness that had been my companion.
Swarming me. It took turns to hurt and then to let me breathe in and out. The feeling was still there, and so were the images of Dawson.
It was haunting.
Whatever was happening, it was happening on purpose.
"Vi…" His voice was soft, and so was his hand on my face. It was warm, wiping away the blood that smeared into my lips. He moved closer, his breath tickling me as he spoke.
"You're so stupid."
What?
He moved away, leaving me to chase after the lips that were so close to mine. "Did you actually think I liked you at all?" His laugh was dry, devoid of humor. "You're so fucking stupid that it's funny."
The tears burned against my skin, while my blood ran cold. His laughter was sickening; it made my stomach churn and my vision sway, forcing me to see only the mockery in his eyes. The laughter grew louder, engulfing me and leaving behind nothing but a dark, empty void.
"YOU LYING BASTARD!" I felt myself scream, the voice was not my own. It was disoriented, missing pitches that rose and fell. It sounded like thousands of different voices screamed alongside mine.
We tumbled around until I had my dagger raised above his chest. I let it fall down, throwing stabs into his chest over and over again until I could see nothing but blood.
My own blood.
My wrists were cut open, just like that dream. Blood trailed down my forearms and onto my thighs. My eyes quickly looked at the blade in my hand, which was covered in blood. Dawson let out a snicker. He wasn't a bloody mess like I had thought he was. Those stupid eyes mocked me, smirk rising high onto his lips.
"Stupid."
You really are stupid.
It was back, the dark tone coming from the back of my ear and sinking into my heart. The blood falling down my wrists, pumping, turning into the abyss, ready to take hold of me, to drown me in its never-ending darkness-
But it was gone; I was sucked away, gasping for air that came out quickly and surprisingly hot. It was bright, and I wasn't covered in blood. My wings felt stiff against my back was aching, my head was pounding from a dull ache of the excruciating pain I had felt before-
I let out a groan, curling onto my chest, which was very sore to the touch. It was harsh and demanding to take in deep breaths, but I managed to take it in a slight stinging pain coming from every part of my body. It felt like I was being hit by a hammer over and over again against my chest and my head.
The lights didn't help as well. When I finally found the strength to look around me, the lights blinded me. I winced, biting at my sore and bruised lips until I could finally make out where I was.
I wished I had just stayed out.
I was in the sentencing room, surrounded by thousands of angels, cupids, and cherubs. Along with all the goddesses standing in front of me, their hard eyes scanned my entire body. My body shook, but I managed to push myself off the ground and get to my feet. I was still sagging, trying to hold back the cry that threatened to escape every time I moved. With my hand still covering my chest, I looked around at the beings seated in the stands overlooking me.
I spotted the angels and cupids I recognized. Bridget was trembling so violently it looked like she was about to cry. Orwell tried to comfort her, but she kept her eyes fixed on me. Seth and Rory were in tears, looking at me with frightened expressions. I noticed Casper yelping and whining as he stood with his front paws on the ledge, gazing at me. I didn't bother to look at Bunny, Rue, or Brick; they appeared sickened by the situation.
I felt sick. The inside of my head was swirling, my legs shook, and I wanted to give in and pass out again. The pain hit me again in my chest when I spotted the warriors standing until the goddesses stood.
Arden looked at me, Apollonia closing her eyes beside the other, who looked... Guilty?
Arthur and Casey looked tense. The smaller warrior curled his wings around himself as he stared at me.
I felt like an exhibit, watching and being prosecuted. I knew why I was here immediately, and I half dreaded the outcome. The dread was half diminished when I spotted Janus staring down at me. Seeing her let my heart fall in relief.
Relief was short-lived when Minerva began to speak. "Vienna, you find yourself in the center of the sentencing room once again. You have defied the orders we, the goddesses, issued regarding your previous actions." She turned to the stands where Bridget and the others were positioned. "You may now state your claim."
Bridget shook; her body was rigid, but she found the courage to speak. "She didn't do it on purpose, but she had hit me-"
"It doesn't matter if she did it on purpose!" Orwell's hiss was almost agitating against my ears, even from far away.
Bridget quickly ignored him, her eyes on the goddess. "She didn't do it with bad intentions, goddess."
Minerva shook her head. "Let's hear from the other witness regarding Vienna's actions." She gestured toward a group of Cupids who looked somewhat familiar. I could see the confusion on my friends' faces, and I cringed at the sight of a familiar Cupid stepping forward.
"She had also hit me when I was talking with my friends. It came out of nowhere." His eyes glared down at me, and I openly glared back.
Minerva nodded along, eyes finding Bunny, who was shrinking on herself next to Rue. The small cupid looked at me, then closed her pained eyes. "It's true. She had hit him."
I fought the urge to let out a gasp, the urge to cry and scream at her. I shouldn't be surprised; no one could be trusted either way. If Dawson was willing to betray me so easily, what shocker is it that they could do the same?
What a shocker it would be if both Bridget and the others did the same?
That thought hurt, but I bit it back down.
Minerva confronted me again, her stance firm and imposing. "Vienna, you were given a clear warning last time: if you strike another angel or a cupid, you will not be given another chance. You have violated the rules of Heaven and gone against the standards set for a Warrior Angel." Her gaze shifted to Arden and Ballona. The tall Warrior Goddess exhaled sharply. "You haven't attended a session. The warriors were tasked with finding you after it was reported that you struck a cupid. You have turned their weapons against them. You fought outside of your session on multiple occasions, which is forbidden by Arden's standards."
I wanted to scoff, yowl, and curse at her, but I didn't. I felt like I physically couldn't. So I opted to openly glare, feeling a bit of confidence and fear standing on either side of me as I did so.
Small voices from all around me beagn to yell, I could only make out Bridget's and Seth's desperate voices trying to put in some reason.
I wanted to feel thankful, but all I could feel was annoyance.
"You have proven time and again that you are indeed dangerous." Her tone was harsh, and I felt as if I might crumble under the weight of her words. "You have been given chances, yet you squandered them all. You have no right to ask for another after doing such horrible things."
I opened my mouth to respond, but no words came out. Fear and a sense of embarrassment washed over me until I turned my gaze to Janus. Her watchful eyes met mine, and I felt a flutter of hope along with the comforting warmth she always provided.
I missed that feeling so much. How long had it been since I had seen her?
Since I had touched her?
"Your sentencing is severe enough that the punishment will remain the same." I could sense the voices around me fall silent, the atmosphere grew tense, and I nearly collapsed to my knees. Her gaze was almost pitiful as she looked at me again, her lips pressed tightly together as she spoke. "You will be banished to the Underworld for all of eternity."
I was too shocked to fully comprehend the horrified gasps echoing throughout the large room. In the distance, I could hear the desperate cries of my friends, pleading for my release. Casper's frantic barking and yelping filled the air, accompanied by the fluttering of frightened wings.
My own wings were trembling at the news.
The Underworld, the place I had heard so many horrible things about from everyone. Was I to be sent there?
I didn't question why, but I did feel myself grow desperate and almost deny that punishment. How can it be a punishment if it was the rest of my life?
Light soared from my feet, and the stone surface beneath me, adorned with beautiful engraved markings, glowed bright gold. It felt as though I were standing on thin air as the ground gave way to an expansive dome below, ready to drop me in.
Fear and denial were running through me. I looked to Janus with my eyes wide and desperate. Her calming eyes turned mournful, the feeling of comfort was sucked away when I tried to desperately deny the realization that.. that she will do nothing.
"Janus.." I felt myself say, the air beneath me dropping. I stared at her, disbelief etched on my features as her own emotions remained unchanged.
She didn't do anything but look at me as I stared back. Distant screams, voices gasped, fearful, almost crying whimpers loud and thudding in the back of my mind, which was buzzed with a faint, curling dread.
Nothing.
She did nothing as I fell.