Chapter 357: Kiritsugu: Shinji Matou, Go to Hell!
"MAAAAAAAHHHH—!!"
The tiny loli's piercing scream blasted out of the TV speakers and stabbed into everyone's ears.
"Hiss—!"
Even though she'd already seen this episode once, Aoko still reacted a second too late and failed to cover her ears in time.
She couldn't help it—Baby Gil's adorable blond-red-eyed shota design was simply too delicious—
cough, too cute.
No matter how many times she rewatched it, Aoko would still be captivated by this boy who was exactly her type.
After all, the "big onee-san + small shota" combo was every bit as classic as childhood-friend vs. new girl.
"Ahh, I'm so jealous of that little girl…"
Aoko muttered, touching her chin with a hungry gleam in her eyes.
"I want to star in a show with that adorable boy too…"
Alice pierced her delusion mercilessly.
"Are you sure? That boy is actually played by Gilgamesh himself."
"Of course I know! Nee-san complained to me about it earlier!"
Aoko threw her head back and shouted in frustration.
"I can't believe it! That psycho who keeps yelling 'mongrel this, mongrel that'—he was this cute when he was little?! What the hell happened to make him grow up so crooked?!"
The first time Aoko watched this scene, she was convinced Shinji had hired some other blond, red-eyed kid to play young Gilgamesh.
It wasn't that she didn't know Gil had an item to reverse his age—but the difference between Baby Gil and Adult Gil was so astronomically huge that anyone familiar with him would never connect the two.
So when she learned that the eternally nose-up, holier-than-thou man really had such an innocent childhood, Aoko's worldview cracked.
And what really broke her spirit was a phone call with Touko afterward:
"Aoko, can you imagine? That Hero King was actually such a sweet and obedient child when he was young. Just a few years into puberty and he turned into… that. Isn't it hilarious?"
Aoko could still hear Touko's unstoppable laughter echoing in her nightmares.
"Uh… Nee-san, you mean that golden jerk was really like that as a kid…?"
"Of course! It wasn't acting at all. That really is his personality when he's small. You should've seen him—the first thing he did after shrinking was go around apologizing to the entire cast, saying his adult self had been too rude."
"..."
"Hello? Aoko? Why aren't you talking? Aoko?"
When the memory ended, Aoko let out a deep sigh.
So this was how fans felt when their idol's image shattered…
If Aoko was merely sad that such a cute little golden shota would someday grow into… well, that, then Illya—who was currently facing Baby Gil in person—had completely lost her mind.
She… she had touched a boy's chest!
And he was naked!
This kind of thing… this kind of thing… this kind of thing—
"NOOOOOOOO—!!"
Illya, on the verge of tears, hurled a storm of mana bullets at the blond shota.
The density of her barrage could easily compete with Gilgamesh's earlier attacks.
Even Baby Gil himself was shocked by her extreme overreaction.
Hey now—last life I poured my heart out to you, this life I even let you cop a free feel. Doesn't that make us even? Why are YOU the one acting like the victim? If anything, who benefitted and who suffered is still up for debate, okay~?
Ah, no—
Baby Gil wasn't breaking the fourth wall.
He was just frantically dodging Illya's attacks.
Knowing he was technically at fault, he could only beg the raging loli for mercy:
"Uwaaa! W–Wait! Hold on! Opening fire out of nowhere is way too cruel!"
"Are you kidding me?! I… I… I touched… touched… touched—!"
Illya's face was bright red, trembling pupils revealing her spiraling panic.
Honestly, this was normal.
It was the first time in her life seeing a boy's bare body.
A brain crash was inevitable.
Even though during filming Baby Gil had a special cloth covering the important area…
It was still enough to leave Illya red-faced, heart racing, and utterly overwhelmed.
There was nothing she could do—for the innocent little Illya, the sight of kid-Gil in that form was simply too stimulating, way, way over her limit.
Of course, Illya wasn't the only one who got overstimulated.
Click
The moment Shinji heard the sound of a round being chambered, he threw himself off the sofa with the grace of a lazy donkey trying to survive.
A perfect decision—because right as he rolled away, a rubber bullet punched into the seat he had been sitting on.
"Tch—"
"Oi, Kiritsugu! Isn't that a bit dangerous?!"
Bang!
His only reply was the second shot landing right next to his ear.
"I said it's dangerous, didn't I…?"
Shinji's lips twitched, his face turning pale.
Rubber bullets or not, judging from the sheer pressure brushing past his ear, these "toys" could snap bone without even trying.
"Daring to let Illya see that kind of thing…"
When Shinji looked up, he felt a murderous gaze pin him to the couch.
Across two rows of seats, diagonally from him, Kiritsugu sat with the gleam of a death god's scythe in his eyes—cold, sharp, and absolutely lethal.
"Kiritsugu! Calm down!! Filming and real life are totally different things!"
Driven by pure survival instinct, Shinji scrambled to explain:
"You get it, right? Sure, in the story kid-Gil isn't wearing anything, but on set he's actually covered up! We used proper blocking and props—"
"So what?" Kiritsugu's voice dripped contempt.
"Illya's purity was tainted in the narrative. Isn't that the writer's fault—your fault?!"
If it had only been her accidentally touching a boy's chest, Kiritsugu could tolerate it.
But no—look at the plot Shinji had arranged afterward!
Illya chatting with that brat, interacting with him like they were close—and then, when the magical storm started to go out of control and threatened to obliterate the entire cavern, she grabbed his little hand and pulled him to safety.
Talking!
Hand-holding!!
His precious Illya being sullied by some random golden brat!!!
"SHINJI MATOU, DIE."
Kiritsugu's expression burned like Akainu's magma-covered face.
His footsteps shook the ground like Whitebeard charging after someone who hurt his son.
And when he raised his gun, the look in his eyes was as icy and merciless as when Doflamingo stares down his prey.
Three great disasters of the One Piece world, gathered in one man.
What kind of eldritch abomination was Kiritsugu supposed to be?!
"K–Kiritsugu— Uncle Emiya, I know you're upset about that… err… scene in the show, but it's just fiction! Fiction!"
Shinji tried to shield his head with his arms.
He didn't dare use magecraft to defend himself—if he accidentally blew Kiritsugu up with magecraft, one Origin Bullet would end his life instantly.
"Uncle Emiya, our production is professional and legitimate! Kid-Gil is only shirtless on camera! It's no different from being at a swimming pool! Ow—!"
A scream tore out of him.
A rubber bullet slammed into his arm, and Shinji was pretty sure his shoulder almost dislocated.
"Lord Emiya! I, Shinji Matou, swear to the lightbulb above my head! If Illya received any unfair treatment on set, let it explode right now!"
Whether it was Shinji's nonsense or sheer coincidence, Kiritsugu finally stopped firing, staring at him with a scrutinizing gaze.
"..."
"..."
The room fell into a bizarre silence.
Right at that moment, the scene on TV—pure coincidence, of course—happened to reach the part where Illya asks kid-Gil why he isn't wearing any clothes.
And kid-Gil, completely naked, faced Illya (technically, the camera) with perfect confidence and delivered his classic line:
"There is nothing shameful on my body."
"KYAAAA!! PERVEEERT—!!!"
The Illya on the screen exploded—
And so did the Kiritsugu outside the screen.
BANG!
With a clean, crisp pop, the lightbulb above Shinji's head shattered.
(Polite Lightbulb: Kiritsugu, you little—!)
"Lo–Lord Emiya?"
Peeking up from behind the seat, Shinji saw Kiritsugu slowly lower the gun he'd been aiming at the ceiling— only to calmly aim it right back at him.
Shinji swallowed hard.
"Shinji, my boy~ you swore the lightbulb would shatter, didn't you?"
(Shinji: YOU were the one who shot it.)
"Honestly, you really shouldn't make careless oaths like that. Sometimes they just… come true."
(Shinji: Because YOU shot it.)
"So then, Shinji… go die!"
(Shinji: IT WAS YOU WHO SHOT IT.)
Kiritsugu exhaled a puff of white breath, his expression twisting into that of a wrathful demon.
"Shinai! Shinai! SHINAI YO!!!"
Nobody knew where he pulled it from, but suddenly Kiritsugu was wielding a submachine gun—and he unleashed a storm of rubber bullets toward Shinji's position.
Don't mistake his choice of ammo for mercy.
He didn't use real bullets simply because rubber ones let him shoot Shinji more times, giving him plenty of time to savor the agony.
"KIRITSUGU'S GONE CRAZY! WILL SOMEBODY SAVE ME ALREADY?!"
Perhaps worried Kiritsugu was about to start collateral damage, Archer finally rose from his seat.
"Dad— Mr. Emiya. I understand you love your daughter, but this is still a public space. You should exercise a bit of restraint."
"Damn you—!"
Shinji shot Archer the middle finger.
That bastard was supposed to intervene, yet all he did was restrain Kiritsugu just barely enough to stop him from flipping the surrounding sofas.
Everything else—the storm of rubber bullets, the nonstop barrage—continued unhindered.
"DIE! SHINJI MATOU! GO DIE FOR ME!!"
In Shinji's mind, there was nothing left but Kiritsugu's mad howling and the relentless ratatatatata of automatic fire.
◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆
"…Huh?"
Outside the building, Gilgamesh—who had just finished a fight and was about to head back—suddenly froze mid-step.
"What is it, King of Heroes?" Arturia asked.
"For some reason, the back of my neck feels cold. As if… returning now would be dangerous…"
Gilgamesh frowned, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
Arturia scoffed. "How strange. I didn't think you were capable of fear."
"Hmph, Saber. Care for another round?"
He didn't know exactly why, but something deep inside him was screaming a warning.
And since it was the New Year season, unnecessary trouble was best avoided.
Thus, obeying the rare and inexplicable instinctive wisdom granted by his heroic body—Gilgamesh decided it was best not to return to the screening room.
For now.
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