Having been barred from returning to the Invader Zim universe, I found my time in the galaxy far, far away significantly more bearable than before.
And it definitely wasn't because I disliked aliens any less.
How deeply embedded was working into Irken biology that even the simple act of waiting for work to start somehow made being surrounded by aliens more pleasant?
Apparently very.
The days flew by. Then months. Then years.
Training became a blur of meditation, lightsaber practice, lectures, meditation, physical conditioning, more meditation, and occasionally finding ways to sneak out of the Jedi Temple with Anakin.
By our seventh year at the Temple, Anakin had begun regularly leaving Coruscant with Obi-Wan on missions.
Meanwhile, I had been assigned to Master Shaak Ti as her Padawan.
Probably because she was one of the few people in the galaxy I actually liked.
Unfortunately, her teaching style was significantly different from what I expected.
Jedi Knights typically took their Padawans on missions ranging anywhere from tedious political negotiations to horrifying near-death experiences involving hostile governments, assassins, pirates, Sith artifacts and giant monsters.
Master Ti? She made me meditate. She encouraged me to discover myself. Her lessons focused on understanding emotions, identity, empathy, and personal growth rather than combat or politics.
I had...mixed feelings about them.
~CURRENTLY~
Within one of the Temple's training rooms, an eight-foot-tall, four-armed machine swung four training lightsabers directly at my face.
I ducked.
A blade passed over my antenna.
Another came upward from below.
I twisted sideways.
A third saber slammed toward my legs.
I jumped.
The fourth came immediately afterward.
"come on!"
The entire fight had been defensive.
The droid used its superior weight, strength, reach, and processing power to relentlessly overwhelm my significantly smaller body.
Every offensive opening I attempted was immediately punished.
The moment I swung my lightsaber, one of the droid's four blades would intercept mine. Then the other three would attack simultaneously.
There were very few windows of escape. My only saving grace was the Force. Reflexes pushed beyond what my body should naturally possess. Barely escaping the constant assault and narrowly managing to block one blade with the proper amount of power needed to keep the clash controlled. The droid saw dozens of opportunities for attack every second and ruthlessly exploited every single one.
In an act of desperation, I channeled the Force through my legs and jumped.
Three training sabers crossed each other harmlessly beneath me.
For one glorious moment, I thought I'd escaped.
Then the droid did something unexpected.
It crouched.
Its massive body lowered almost to the ground.
All four training sabers pointed directly upward. The droid catapulted upward. I brought my training saber beneath me, desperately trying to block.
ZZHHH!
My blade collided with all four of the droid's sabers simultaneously. The force of the impact launched me upward.
THUMP!!!
"OWWWWW!"
After hitting the ceiling my training saber deactivated and my body limply fell back toward the floor. I groaned softly as the pain radiated through my skull and slowly faded away. A moment later, the sound of four additional training sabers deactivating echoed through the room.
"It is my victory once again, Master!"
It was a chirpy happy voice, clearly robotic and seemingly enthused to be put to work.
"Yes…" I groaned from the floor
"I noticed that…"
From the perspective of an average citizen, the droid was very, very strangely designed. Of course, I had attempted to replicate General Grievous to the best of Anakin's and my abilities. While the young Skywalker had been endlessly amused by my taste in "training droids," he'd still helped me build the machine several years earlier. The result wasn't identical. But it accomplished the goal nearly perfectly.
Superior strength. Superior reactions. Superior movement. Four arms. Four lightsabers.
And absolutely zero mercy.
It was the only opponent in the entire Jedi Temple that consistently treated both Anakin and me like ragdolls. Constantly using its weight and strength to its advantage.
My poor, superior Irken body had left many dents and scratches throughout this training hall since the droid's creation.
The room itself had been modified specifically for the machine. Cameras had been installed throughout the walls, acting as its eyes. A large computer system sat in the corner of the room—the droid's actual brain. Its physical body was wirelessly connected to the system. The purpose was simple.
Maximum difficulty.
The droid possessed near-omniscient knowledge of everything happening within the room. There was nowhere to hide. No blind spots. No tricks. No—
"Perhaps you are ready for another round, Master?"
I slowly lifted my head from the floor.
The droid stood over me.
Its robotic voice annoyingly cheerful.
"Perhaps NOOOOTTTT."
The droid paused.
"Whatever the Master desires..."
HMMMMmmm.
With that, I slowly stood and dusted off my robes.
The droid's dutiful voice began annoying me, a part of me felt this droid was simply too eager to whack on one of its creators…
Using the Force, I pulled my training saber back into its place.
Then, after deciding I'd experienced enough trauma for one afternoon, I opened my character sheet.
CLASS: Necromancer (Lv 7 / 100)
HP: 170 / 170
MP: 150 / 150
SP: 170 / 170
Unallocated Stat Points: 5
STATS
STR: 17
END: 17
DEX: 17
INT: 15(+60)
WIS: 15
CHA: 20
LCK: 15
ACTIVE SKILLS
Raise Undead (Lv 2 / 10)
Force Telekinesis (Lv 7 / 10)
Force Heal (Lv 7 / 10)
Enhanced Movement (Lv 7/10)
Precognition (Lv 4 / 10)
Mechu-Duru (Lv 5 / 10)
Disguise (Lv 6 / 10)
PASSIVE SKILLS
Force-Based Skills
Force Sensitive (Lv 7 / 10)
Force Meditation (Lv 9 / 10)
Force Veil (Lv 5 / 10)
Physical / Combat Skills
Sprinting (Lv 4 / 10)
Acrobatics (Lv 5 / 10)
Climbing (Lv 2 / 10)
Parkour (Lv 3 / 10)
Brawling (Lv 4 / 10)
Melee Weapons (Lv 1 / 10)→ Knives (Lv 2 / 10)→Lightsaber (Lv 5 / 10)
Stun Resistance (Lv 1/10)
Marksmanship (Lv 3/10)
Ranged Weapons (Lv 4/10)→ Small Arms (Lv 4/10) →Massive Weapons (Lv 1 / 10)
Dancing (Lv 2 / 10)
Sneaking (Lv 5 / 10)
Pain Resistance (Lv 5 / 10)
Drug Resistance (Lv 3 / 10)
Muscle Memory (Lv 2 / 10)
Utility / Social / Misc Skills.
Anatomy (Lv 3 / 10)
Butcher (Lv 1 / 10)
Chemistry (Lv 2 / 10)
Traps (Lv 2 / 10)
Computers (Lv 8 / 10)
Masseuse (Lv 8 / 10)
Merchant (Lv 5 / 10)
Woodworking (Lv 7 / 10)
Alchemy (Lv 5 / 10)
Herbalism (Lv 4 / 10)
Pharmacology (Lv 1 / 10)
Knot-Tying (Lv 4 / 10)
Painting (Lv 4 / 10)
Singing (Lv 2 / 10)
Construction (Lv 4 / 10)
Engineering (Lv 4 / 10)
Strategy (Lv 6 / 10)
Patience (Lv 1 / 10)
Farming (Lv 2 / 10)
Politician (Lv 2 / 10)
TRAITS
Mana Gifted
One with THE FORCE
2nd Mind+
Robotic Stamina
Dimensional Traveler
The Chef
Acid Punk
One with Machines
Smart Man's Gun
Echo of the Force
Eye of the Force
Despite years having passed and having access to a ridiculous number of abilities, I hadn't actually gained all that much.
The System was extremely rigid in some ways. It demanded practice. Pressure. Real experience. Simply repeating something endlessly wasn't enough. The Jedi themselves also refused to throw me into life-threatening situations. Unlike Padawans ranging from 4-8 years older than me, they still considered me a child. Barely approaching eleven years old(I was actually like eighty now). Which meant my growth had stagnated slightly.
I sighed when my eyes reached Precognition. Still level four.
The ability that allowed Jedi to sense future threats—blaster bolts, incoming attacks, danger. Apparently, the System had decided that unless the threat was genuinely lethal, it wasn't worth improving.
Wonderful.
I began walking toward the training room's exit.
THOOM.
The doors slid apart.
Standing proudly on the other side was the infamous, apparently undying Jedi herself.
Jedi Master Shaak Ti.
My Master.
As far as I could remember, she'd died several times throughout Star Wars history. Every death somehow becoming non-canon. Perhaps she finally did die on Kamino. The Bad Batch seemed to imply something had happened. At this point, I wouldn't bet money on it.
"You shouldn't push yourself so hard, young one."
She gave me a sympathetic look.
There was also a noticeable amount of scolding mixed into her voice.
"I will try, Master."
I bowed my head.
I'd learned better than to engage in a pointless battle of words with a Jedi Master.
Shaak Ti stared at me.
Perhaps sensing my complete lack of sincerity, she huffed.
Then turned and began walking.
I followed.
"There has been a political incident."
"Really?"
I feigned ignorance.
"Yes. Senator Amidala nearly perished at the hands of an assassin."
"That's terrible! What happened?"
More fake concern.
"Her transport ship exploded while landing here on Coruscant. Thankfully, she had disguised herself as one of the pilots of her escort ships. Her body double tragically died in her place."
Ah. Padmé. The events of Episode II had officially begun.
"The Council is taking this event seriously," Shaak Ti continued. "They have decided to assign Jedi guards to her."
I nodded.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi and young Anakin Skywalker are the premier options for such a task. However, Master Windu believes young Skywalker may be ill-suited to the assignment."
I almost snorted. Understatement of the century.
"I have decided that adding you to the task would make things more feasible."
"You want me to join them in guarding Senator Amidala, Master?"
"Yes."
Then she leaned closer.
Lowering her voice.
"Keep this secret."
Interesting.
"I felt young Skywalker's emotions spike when we assigned him this task."
Oh.
OH.
"I worry he may do something..."
She paused.
"...uncouth without an extra pair of eyes around."
I almost laughed.
"I understand, Master."
"They should already be on their way to her suite. I'll give you the address. Go join them after you've changed your robes."
"Yes, Master."
Shaak Ti smirked.
She'd rarely seen me act childish.
Apparently, my excitement had leaked through my normally controlled expression.
The compassionate Jedi Master had spent years trying to convince me to act more like my physical age. I'll admit I was excited to kick off the events of episode II, I'd been waiting for years by this point and it was going to be funny seeing Anakin act like a horny dog.
---
My room had slowly transformed into a small museum.
Paintings covered portions of the walls.
Wooden sculptures sat on shelves.
Various unfinished projects occupied almost every available surface.
I'd spent much of my free time leveling Painting and Woodworking.
And honestly?
I'd gotten really good.
Especially woodworking.
What once took several hours of careful carving could now be completed in less than half an hour. I'd picked up the habit of carving some of the more ferocious creatures the galaxy had in its disposal. Multiple immaculate sculptors of various rancor's alone even.
Unlike my earlier attempts.
Those had been...
Boxy. Ugly. Embarrassing...
Changing into fresh robes, I quickly made my way toward Senator Amidala's suite.
---
The building was beautiful. And possessed a spectacular view overlooking portions of Coruscant.
From several windows, the Jedi Temple itself could be seen in the distance.
I approached the entrance.
The building doors opened.
An eye-patched Naboo guard stood nearby.
Several additional guards occupied the first floor.
"Greetings. I'm Captain Typho of Her Majesty's Security Service."
"Greetings. I'm Padawan Dabo, under Master Shaak Ti. I've been assigned to assist with Senator Amidala's security."
"Excellent."
He seemed genuinely relieved.
"I am grateful the Jedi have decided to take this more seriously than even Her Majesty herself."
He stepped aside and gestured toward the elevator.
"You may join Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker upstairs."
As he walked me toward the elevator, he added:
"Please remain alert."
I glanced back.
"Of course."
"Your peer seems a bit too..."
He paused.
"...enthusiastic."
I smiled.
"I will do my best."
Doors closing, the elevator shot upward.
The moment the doors opened, I overheard Anakin's voice.
"She covered the cameras..."
I stopped.
"I don't think she liked me watching her..."
Oh my God.
"That doesn't sound good."
I stepped into the room.
Giving Skywalker the most questionable stare I could manage.
"Dabo..."
Anakin immediately looked embarrassed.
Like he'd only just now reflected on what he'd said.
"What is she thinking..." Obi-Wan muttered, apparently attempting to redirect both of his Padawans back toward the actual mission.
I was only slightly insulted that he'd decided to ignore me.
Anakin immediately returned to talking about Padmé without a second thought.
And somehow, the following conversation became nearly identical to the movie.
Identical enough that we eventually transitioned toward Anakin's dreams of his mother.
"It is pretty crazy we just left her to be a slave," I added at one point.
Anakin must have been seriously distracted.
Because he ignored that statement entirely.
"I'd much rather have dreams of Padmé."
My mouth slowly opened.
I stared at him.
Mild disgust spreading across my face.
Come on, man.
We were talking about your mother one second ago.
Did this guy not hear how creepy that sounded?
"Just being around her again..."
Anakin sighed.
"...it's intoxicating."
"Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin," Obi-Wan immediately responded. "They betray you."
But he said it so casually.
Was he not concerned about what he was hearing?
Or had he simply reached the point where Anakin's nonsense no longer surprised him?
The two continued their verbal lecture.
I simply watched. Then I closed my eyes. The Force expanded outward. Force Sight. Using meta knowledge my awareness slipped through the walls. Into Padmé's room.
And immediately—
Something moved outside her window. A small mechanical shape floated toward the glass. My eyes snapped open. The machine began cutting through the window. A container opened. Centipede-like worms spilled across the floor. My lightsaber ignited. The sudden sound startled both Obi-Wan and Anakin. I ran past them straight toward Padmé's room.
Behind me, Obi-Wan spoke.
"I sense it too."
I burst through the door. The worms were crawling across the floor. Still far enough away from Padmé I didn't hesitate. My lightsaber swept downward. The creatures disappeared beneath violet plasma strikes. Obi-Wan arrived a moment later.
His eyes immediately spotted the assassin droid outside the destroyed window.
Without hesitation, he jumped through it.
Just like the movie!
I bolted out the door, with Anakin briefly saying something to the startled Padmé before following behind me.
I reached the speeders first.
Choosing one of the sleek, enclosed red models, I climbed inside and immediately took off. Anakin chose the same ridiculous open-air speeder from the movie, and we launched into Coruscant's endless traffic lanes almost simultaneously.
I got sight of Obi-Wan falling through the sky.
I immediately signaled toward Anakin.
Go after the assassin.
In hindsight?
Probably not the best assignment of responsibilities.
Obi-Wan slammed onto the side of my speeder and grabbed hold for dear life. There was absolutely no way for him inside, meaning the Jedi Master was forced to cling to the exterior of the speeder while we flew through one of the busiest cities in the galaxy.
"YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN A LARGER SPEEDER!" he shouted.
"I WAS IN A HURRY!"
Ahead of us, Anakin was already closing in on the assassin.
Only a short distance separated him from her.
I slowed down slightly for Obi-Wan's sake while still doing my best to keep pace with the two speeders ahead.
Anakin, meanwhile, was making a horrifying series of maneuvers through the air.
Sharp dives. Sudden turns. Flying between traffic lanes.
"I hate flying" I muttered, this shit was scary...
I happily avoided copying him.
Eventually, we entered an industrial district.
The assassin began firing at nearby power couplings.
Massive arcs of electricity erupted in front of us.
Anakin practically chose to fly directly into them. Huge bolts of electricity slammed into his speeder. The entire thing flashed with violet sparks of electricity.
He somehow continued moving. I flew around them. Something Obi-Wan seemed extremely grateful for. I could practically feel his relief through the Force.
"THANK YOU," Obi-Wan shouted.
"YOU'RE WELCOME!"
The assassin eventually flew into a tunnel.
Anakin suddenly veered away. I decided to follow.
We eventually pulled alongside his speeder. Anakin had stopped completely in midair.
Obi-Wan immediately began climbing on top ours.
"You've lost him!?" Obi-Wan asked.
"If you'll excuse me—"
Anakin jumped. I almost followed but then Obi-Wan jumped onto Anakin's speeder, and I decided that perhaps one suicidal Jedi was enough.
The events afterward played out almost exactly like the movie.
Eventually, we ended up on the streets of Coruscant.
Obi-Wan flew farther ahead, attempting to catch up with Anakin, who was now chasing the assassin on foot.
landed nearby.
Stepping out of my speeder, I immediately noticed the crashed vehicle belonging to the assassin.
Interesting. I approached it before searching through the compartments, I found something I'd always been interested in. The assassin's weapon. A disintegrator.
My eyes widened.
Oh.
Oh, this was illegal.
Very illegal.
Before anyone could notice what I was doing, I quickly stored the weapon inside my inventory.
Disintegrators were actual crimes against humanity. They vaporized an individual's atoms entirely. You would think they'd be ineffective against droids, but the things still packed an incredible punch. And according to what I'd heard, the experience of being disintegrated was supposedly a slow, agonizing death despite the actual vaporization happening almost instantly.
HELL YEAHHHH!
Not wanting to draw any additional attention, I quickly returned to my speeder and followed the others.
Eventually, I parked beside Obi-Wan.
We later found ourselves standing outside the same nightclub from the movie.
I walked toward the two Jedi.
"Next time, try not to lose it."
Obi-Wan shook Anakin's lightsaber in front of him.
"Yes, Master."
"This weapon is your life."
"I try, Master."
Anakin sounded exhausted.
"Try harder, Anakin."
I added the comment purely as a dig.
Anakin immediately scowled at me before making an extremely offensive gesture using Huttese sign language.
I stared at him.
"Really?"
"You started it."
"You two are going to be the death of me," Obi-Wan muttered.
Then the three of us smoothly entered the nightclub.
Obi-Wan and Anakin continued their conversation.
I immediately walked toward the opposite side of the club.
There was a bar.
And more importantly, several screens displaying podracing.
For a moment, my gambling addiction began aggressively demanding attention.
I found myself drifting toward one of the screens.
Eventually, I leaned against a small table and watched. Just for a minute. I wasn't going to gamble. Probably.
"Hello, handsome."
What the fuck?
I turned.
A female Rodian had appeared beside me.
She stood around five feet eight inches tall.
Classic Rodian appearance.
Large black eyes.
That strange milky reflective glare.
And more than a foot taller than me.
I was standing at a clean four feet five inches.
By most humanoid standards, I was tiny.
I stared at her. She stared back.
Before I could process what was happening, she placed her hand on top of my gloved one.
"Here alone?"
The shock completely destroyed my ability to speak.
What was going on?
I couldn't stop my mind from entertaining the possibility.
I mean...
Neck down?
She was absolutely a bombshell.
Her green skin was the perfect aesthetic shade for a female. It appealed to my Irken nature, the size of everything else on her appealed to my former human one too...
She wore a skimpy black top—the kind that covered her chest from top to bottom while leaving her back completely exposed. Her side profile left quite a bit to the imagination.
Maybe it was the flattery. Maybe it was the alcohol fumes filling the club. Maybe my Irken xenophobia was finally malfunctioning.
But for the first time...
I didn't feel disgust toward an alien.
"Bla...eeehh...a..."
Garbled noises escaped my mouth.
The Rodian chuckled.
Oh God.
"Ohhh..."
She gently caressed my hand.
"You're cute."
She stepped closer.
Pressing herself against me.
My brain completely shut down.
Her free hand slowly explored my shoulder.
Then—
Precognition.
I turned. My lightsaber ignited. One swift movement and the assassin's hand and blaster separated from the rest of her body.
Anakin and Obi-Wan immediately rushed toward me.
The Rodian stepped backward in complete shock. Probably wondering why the tiny alien she'd just attempted to flirt with had suddenly chopped someone's hand off.
Obi-Wan grabbed the assassin.
Then immediately began dragging her away from the club.
"Jedi business!" Anakin shouted toward the increasingly confused crowd. "Go back to your drinks!"
Then he followed Obi-Wan.
I stood there for a moment.
Still processing everything.
Then I gave the Rodian one last glance.
She was still staring at me.
I paused.
She smiled.
...
Huh.
For some reason, I had assumed the whole lightsaber-amputation-five-feet-away situation would've killed the mood.
Apparently not.
I glanced toward the entrance.
Obi-Wan was already dragging the assassin outside while Anakin followed behind him.
Then I looked back at the Rodian.
She hadn't moved.
Actually...
No.
She was walking toward me again.
Oh no.
"Well," she said, glancing toward the severed hand still lying on the floor. "That was exciting."
"...Yeah."
She stopped directly in front of me.
"Is that normal for you?"
Her mouth curled upward. While I was thinking of answer, something smooth hopefully she spoke again.
"I like dangerous men."
...
What?
She leaned closer.
"So."
Her fingers returned to my shoulder.
"Where were we?"
My brain stalled.
Where were we?
WHERE WERE WE?!
Someone had just attempted to murder me!
Half the club was still staring at us!
And this woman was apparently operating under the philosophy of—
Anyway, you busy later?
"Do you have somewhere to be?"
Technically?
Yes. Very much so. There was an assassin outside who had information potentially leading to Jango Fett, Kamino, the Clone Army, Count Dooku, and eventually the beginning of the Clone Wars.
Extremely important shit.
"...Eventually." Was what came out.
Her fingers slowly traced across my glove.
"Good."
She leaned closer to my ear.
"I live three levels down."
...
Oh.
OH.
There it was.