Hikigaya shot him a dead-fish glare.
"Actually, when I went to the student council today to submit your application, President Houkōhara told me something.
This morning, Hiratsuka-sensei had already signed and stamped your application to join the Service Club. She clearly planned this in advance."
Matsueda Azusa crossed his arms, clicked his tongue, and shook his head.
"Hmph… she almost pulled it off. I nearly lost one of my prized generals.
Luckily, I was one step ahead. I pulled a few strings and got President Houkōhara to prioritize my application."
Backdoor dealings of power and influence.
What exactly is wrong with this school?
Hikigaya couldn't help but think there was something fundamentally broken here.
And honestly… forget Hiratsuka-sensei—you're just as bad.
You're both the same kind of scheming manipulator.
Hikigaya complained silently.
What talent did he even have that made these two fight over him?
He was just a loyal member of the Going-Home Club.
"…So why me?"
Hikigaya asked casually.
To be honest, he didn't feel much about them deciding things for him without asking.
In his view, people were inherently self-centered.
No matter how much people argued otherwise with moral philosophies, that was still the minority.
Selfishness was human nature.
So-called selflessness was just a comforting illusion people used to deceive themselves.
Hiratsuka-sensei was probably acting out of a teacher's sense of duty—or maybe just self-satisfaction.
Trying to "save" a loner like him.
And Matsueda…
Probably just needed members.
"If you think I'm lonely all the time, there's really no need for that."
Hikigaya continued calmly.
"Lonely people aren't pitiable. Being alone doesn't make someone a bad person.
I know this is just my own biased thinking.
But I won't deny who I used to be.
Spending time alone isn't a sin.
Being alone isn't wrong.
I would never say—"
"Uh, no."
Matsueda cut him off mid-speech, scratching his cheek.
"Komachi asked me to do it."
"…Huh?"
Hikigaya froze.
Komachi?
He did not expect that name at all.
Since when did Matsueda even know his sister?!
Wait—
Was this guy's real target… Komachi?!
Alarms blared in Hachiman's mind.
Absolutely not.
He would never let this suspicious ikemen get close to his adorable little sister.
Seeing his shocked expression, Matsueda grinned.
"Komachi-chan said, 'Onii-chan definitely can't make friends at school, and being alone must be lonely, right?
Please, Matsueda-senpai, help my brother make friends.'"
"Impossible! Absolutely impossible!"
Hikigaya panicked.
"Komachi would never say something like that…"
"It's called artistic embellishment."
Matsueda wagged his finger.
"That line scores very low on the Komachi scale."
Hikigaya: defeated.
"…How did you even meet her?"
"Eh? You don't know?"
Matsueda blinked innocently.
"Onsui Yoshiki—she's the younger sister of Shimizu from the next class, and also Komachi's classmate.
Shimizu and I are friends, and one day we ran into them while we were out, so we got introduced."
"Oh, and by the way—our third member is Konsui Kazuhiko."
Matsueda stopped in front of a classroom and pushed the door open.
"Perfect. We're here.
Vice President Hikigaya, come meet everyone."
The room felt empty and slightly desolate.
Most desks and chairs were stacked neatly at the back.
In the center, six desks had been pushed together into one long table.
A slender boy with dark brown hair and gentle features sat there, flipping through a light novel titled:
"I Want to Become a Little Sister Character!"
Next to him, a blue-haired girl was devouring a block of yōkan.
Snack wrappers, a melted sundae, and empty fries containers were scattered across the table.
"Yo! Kazuhiko! Long time no see!"
Matsueda waved enthusiastically and pointed at Hachiman.
"This is my trusted general—Hachiman! I have a feeling you two will get along well."
Hikigaya forced a stiff smile.
"Uh… I'm Hikigaya Hachiman. Matsueda's classmate. Nice to meet you."
Konsui Kazuhiko put down his book.
"Matsueda mentioned you. Please take care of me… Vice President Hikigaya."
Don't add titles to my name!
Hikigaya felt like he was dissolving on the spot.
Wait—why was there a pink blob in his vision?
Was he so embarrassed he was hallucinating?
The blue-haired girl lazily lifted her head.
"I'm Hachinami Anna… nice to meet you…"
"Well done, Shimizu-kun."
Matsueda gave a thumbs-up.
"When working, always address people by their titles."
He just wants to be called 'President,' doesn't he…
Hikigaya and Kazuhiko silently reached the same conclusion.
Their eyes met.
A moment of mutual understanding.
…When did they install telepathy?
"Clap! Clap!"
Matsueda suddenly clapped loudly and jumped onto the table.
"Alright, everyone—attention!"
"The first official activity of the Improper Relationship Inspection Department begins now!"
"Huh? Already?"
Hikigaya froze.
"That's right."
Matsueda nodded seriously.
"Our first client is—Hachinami Anna."
"We must eliminate unhealthy relationships in this school!"
"The first person we must stop—no, save—is her childhood friend…"
"Hatada Kōsuke!"
"…Wait, I didn't make any request…"
Hachinami muttered weakly.
"Damn it… Kōsuke is my childhood friend… When we were little, he made a clover ring and said he'd marry me…"
"…Waaah…"
She took a huge bite of yōkan.
"…Damn, this is delicious."
"…So what's the situation?"
Hikigaya raised his hand.
"Did this Hatada guy cheat? Dump her? Two-time her? Are we actually a scumbag-elimination club?"
Before Matsueda could answer—
Hachinami slammed the table.
"Exactly!"
"Just because a slightly cuter, bigger-chested transfer student showed up—he immediately fell for her!"
"If that pink cow hadn't appeared, we'd definitely be dating right now!"
"…Wait."
Hikigaya paused.
"You weren't even dating?"
So this is just…
Unrequited love?
—No.
Stop.
This is triggering bad memories.
Hikigaya immediately started banging his head on the table.
"Thud. Thud."
"Eh?!"
Hachinami panicked.
"No need to relate that hard… I think I've already moved on…"
She looked down.
"…I was the one who told Kōsuke to go after Karen."
"He looks happy with her… and that's enough."
"As long as we can stay friends…"
"…"
Hikigaya clutched his head.
Stop. Please stop. You're becoming my past self.
Kazuhiko sighed while cleaning up snack wrappers.
"Wrong! Completely wrong!"
Matsueda jumped down and slammed his hands on the table.
"Your perspective is far too narrow!"
"You don't understand at all."
"…Understand what?"
Hachinami blinked.
"As his friend, you want him to be happy, right?"
"Of course… that's why I—"
"Wrong!"
Matsueda cut her off.
"Do you know what high school boys do after getting a girlfriend?"
"In this country?"
"That's exactly why I'm furious!"
He dramatically recited:
"As passion deepens, spring thoughts wander—Beneath embroidered covers, waves of red arise—Silver needles prick peach blossoms—Silent, yet full of hidden longing!"
Hachinami looked confused.
Kazuhiko quietly explained.
Her face went pale.
"…N-no way… it can't be that fast…"
"Vice Minister! Explain it!"
Matsueda pointed at Hikigaya.
Hikigaya sighed internally.
He didn't want to say it.
There were things better left unknown.
Truth hurt.
But Matsueda slapped his shoulder again.
"…Fine."
Hikigaya gave up.
"Yes. That's exactly how high school boys are."
Sorry, innocent male students.
I was forced to say that.
Hachinami's expression collapsed.
Under Matsueda's relentless explanation and Hikigaya's confirmation—
She realized something horrifying.
If Kōsuke started dating Karen…
There was a very high chance things would progress quickly.
Her hands trembled as she gulped down cold cola.
"…Even so… as long as he's happy…"
Good grief. You're way too self-sacrificing.
Matsueda saluted her.
"You're invincible, kid."
"At this rate, they'll call you to help them move furniture too."
Kazuhiko choked.
"Cough—That's a bit extreme…"
Hachinami broke down crying.
"…Guess I'll just eat…"
Hikigaya sighed.
"…Honestly, I don't think the Minister cares about your opinion anyway."
"Bingo!"
Matsueda snapped his fingers.
"But still—I'll help you think it through."
"You want Hatada Kōsuke to be happy, right?"
She nodded silently.
"Good."
Matsueda leaned forward.
"Now imagine this—after he starts dating Karen…"
"He becomes completely captivated by her charms…"
"Spending every night lost in sweet indulgence…"
"If this continues—his energy will drain."
"His physical strength will decline."
"He won't even be able to run fifty meters without collapsing."
"His memory will deteriorate."
"He'll stop studying."
"His grades will plummet."
"He won't get into a good university."
"He won't find a job."
"He'll become a complete failure."
"And then—"
"Karen will meet better men."
"And she will abandon him."