"The school has decided. You will join the Service Club."
Inside the faculty office, Hiratsuka Shizuka pulled out a nearly overstuffed pack of cigarettes. A lighter spun skillfully between her fingers, its flame flickering.
"Uh… sorry, but I really…"
The boy with lifeless, dead-fish eyes—Hikigaya Hachiman—squinted and scratched his cheek.
A club called Service Club… how did something that suspicious even exist?
The word "service" wasn't exactly common in daily life. It usually appeared in… certain specific contexts.
Like a maid serving her master.
Now, if it were that kind of service, Hachiman would gladly raise both hands and say, "Count me in."
But unfortunately… that wasn't the case.
And somehow—
He was being forced to join.
For a brief moment, he imagined himself in a maid outfit, calling someone "Master."
A cold sweat ran down his back.
"WAIT!!"
Suddenly, hurried footsteps echoed.
The office door burst open.
Leaning against the doorframe, breathing heavily, a boy dramatically stretched out his hand:
"Stop right there!"
It was Matsueda Azusa.
"If Hikigaya won't do it—then I will!"
His messy light-brown hair swayed with his breathing, cheeks flushed from running. Sweat slid down his neck, catching the light.
…For some reason, he looked oddly attractive.
Hachiman unconsciously swallowed.
—Wait. No. Don't misunderstand.
That was just a reflex.
He absolutely wasn't into guys.
(…Except maybe Totsuka Saika.)
"Alright. It's noon. Time for execution."
Hiratsuka-sensei slammed the lighter onto the desk and raised her hand like a blade—
Thwack.
Her chop landed squarely on Hachiman's head.
It didn't hurt much.
But it was extremely humiliating.
Hachiman stared at her with dead eyes.
So I'm just part of your routine now…?
"NO!!"
Matsueda stepped forward dramatically, his voice filled with grief.
"What have you done?! If Hachiman is gone, how are we supposed to fight those damn normies?!"
"…Then why don't you just become a normie yourself?" Hiratsuka replied flatly.
She stood up, grabbed Matsueda by the collar, and pulled him over.
"I was just looking for you. Hikigaya has already agreed to join the Service Club. You're next."
"…Huh?"
Hachiman weakly raised his hand.
"Um… is my memory broken? I don't remember agreeing to anything."
Hiratsuka glared.
Instantly, Hachiman straightened his posture, smoothed his clothes, and nearly dropped to his knees.
"I'm sorry."
"No need for that."
Before he could kneel, Matsueda rushed forward, grabbed him, and pulled him back up.
"Too slow, too slow, Great Demon King Hiratsuka!"
He smirked confidently.
"Today, I'm taking Hikigaya with me. Let's see who dares stop me!"
Hachiman's expression changed instantly.
His back straightened.
His legs stopped shaking.
Matsueda wouldn't act without preparation.
This guy… really came to save him.
Nice.
Hiratsuka frowned.
"…And why exactly am I 'too slow'?"
"Ta-da! Behold—the Club Approval Form!"
Matsueda pulled out a document and slapped it onto the desk.
"Hikigaya is now the Vice President of our club—the Department for Inspecting Improper Relationships Between Boys and Girls!"
"First come, first served. You're the challenger."
"…What?"
Hachiman froze.
What kind of cursed club name is that?!
He had no memory of applying.
Did he wake up in a parallel universe today?
Even Hiratsuka frowned.
"I've never heard of this club."
"Of course not. I just founded it this morning."
Matsueda crossed his arms proudly.
"And it has already been officially approved."
Hachiman thought: That actually got approved? Did you bribe the student council?!
Hiratsuka sighed.
"Starting a club requires approval—and a supervising teacher. Who agreed to take responsibility for this?"
Matsueda clapped his hands dramatically.
"Allow me to introduce our savior—"
"Gannatsu-sensei!"
From a nearby desk, a timid teacher peeked out.
"Ah… h-hello…"
She stood up—
—and immediately tripped over a cable, sending papers flying everywhere.
"…Ah."
With messy curly hair and teary eyes, she sat on the floor rubbing her head.
She looked less like a teacher—
And more like a confused student.
Hiratsuka pressed her fingers against her forehead.
"…Unbelievable."
Hachiman, meanwhile, slowly inched toward the door.
One step.
Two steps.
Five more and he'd escape this chaotic battlefield.
He was a proud member of the Going-Home Club.
Komachi was waiting for him.
But before he could succeed—
Matsueda appeared beside him and blocked his path.
Their eyes met.
Hachiman: dead fish stare.
Matsueda: confident smile.
Then—
Matsueda raised two fingers dramatically and began reciting:
"I knew from a young age that the world was harsh—yet I still allowed couples to roam free across this campus…"
"Stop. Stop. Stop."
Hiratsuka cut him off.
"…Just answer the question. What does your club actually do?"
Matsueda cleared his throat.
Then, in a solemn tone:
"A certain renowned scholar of adolescent normies—Hikigaya Hachiman—once said…"
"'A simple greeting leads to overthinking. A few messages stir the heart. One phone call—and you'll grin at your call log all day like an idiot.'"
Hachiman froze.
When the hell did I say that?!
Matsueda continued passionately:
"This is the ugliness of teenage romance. Is this good? No—it is not!"
Hachiman lowered his head, his toes curling in embarrassment.
Also—
Don't call me things like 'Hiki-penguin' like those normies do!
But Matsueda ignored him and raised his hand:
"Society today is brutally competitive. Opportunities are limited. Even top students struggle—so what about those who give up early?"
"When they grow up and realize the person they loved has left them for someone richer… will they regret not focusing on their future?"
"Of course they will!"
"Encouraging romance at this stage only ruins their lives!"
"I cannot stand by and watch my classmates cry tears of regret in the future!"
"Therefore—I founded the Department for Inspecting Improper Relationships!"
"Our mission—"
"To break up every couple in school."
"Restore order. Promote discipline. Create a campus where everyone studies hard and improves every day!"
"…Also," he added calmly,
"If a relationship can be broken by me, then it was never real to begin with."
"So there's nothing to regret."
"It's all for their own good."
"Exactly!" Gannatsu-sensei clapped enthusiastically.
"Students shouldn't date so early! I didn't even have a boyfriend in school!"
Matsueda nodded seriously.
"Reforming the school environment is our responsibility."
Hachiman muttered:
"…You really think you're doing everyone a favor, huh?"
Hiratsuka frowned deeply.
"You're just a student. Do you really think you can take responsibility for other people's lives?"
Matsueda clasped his hands.
Sunlight streamed through the window, making him look almost saint-like.
"If I don't go to hell—who will?"
Then—
His expression instantly shifted back to smug.
"Oh, by the way, this proposal was approved not only by the student council president—but also by a parent representative."
"Pretty much unanimous."
"And if I remember correctly…"
"That parent is the mother of the Service Club's only member."
"…What?"
"Which means," Matsueda grinned,
"The student council, the parents—even your club…"
"They're all on my side."
"What exactly are you going to use to stop me?"
Hiratsuka's fist tightened.
Veins popped.
"And one more thing—banning school romance actually helps you too, Hiratsuka-sensei."
Matsueda added casually:
"This way, you'll have an excuse."
"It's not that you can't find a partner…"
"It's just that school rules prevented it—leading to your lack of experience and increasing competition, which is why you've become—"
"BOOM!"
A punch flew past his face, the wind alone stinging his cheek.
"…!"
"If that had landed," Hachiman thought,
"his head would've exploded."
Hiratsuka shouted:
"NO PERSONAL ATTACKS ON TEACHERS!!"
In the end—
Hiratsuka Shizuka failed.
The invincible teacher… was defeated.
Matsueda Azusa successfully rescued his "capable assistant," Hikigaya Hachiman.
Though—
Hachiman didn't look happy at all.
He walked silently, staring at his feet.
After a while, he asked:
"…By the way, Matsueda… how did you even know Hiratsuka-sensei was going to force me into the Service Club?"
Matsueda grinned and gave a thumbs-up.
"Never underestimate my intelligence network."
Hachiman stared at him.
"…That sounds incredibly suspicious."