"Your life ends here, Rick." Said Lorimer in a threatening tone as he glared at his grandfather.
"Urgh, should've known you'd betray me" Rick glared back clearly on the losing end
"Yes, and for that, you must perish, fool. Now..." said Lorimer menacingly. Rick looked around him nervously for an answer to this situation as Lorimer laughed victoriously.
Rick racked his brain harder than ever before to find an answer, anything, anything that could get him out of this situation, but alas, his intelligence failed him this time.
"FALL INTO BANKRUPTCY!"
"God damn it!" Said Rick angrily before giving Lorimer all his monopoly money with a growl "I'm never playing this shitty game again!"
"Pathetic." Said Lorimer as he counted his money. He was currently wearing a fake moustache and a beret hat
"Oh shut up you, Shakespeare knockoff" replied Rick angrily
"*gasp* hast thou becometh mad?!" Said Lorimer as he hugged a skull "howst could thou insult me?!"
"You're lucky i can't disown you." Glared Rick
"Oh? Hast thou becometh salty?"
"You're not even saying it right?!" Yelled Rick angrily
"Indeedeth! I hast not madeth any trueth reasearcheth. All i hast doneth is grabeth wordeth and addeth 'eth' at the endeth"
"Pretty much what i expected." Deadpanned Rick "I need to throw out some stuff, I'll be right back"
"I shall followeth thou" said Lorimer with a smile as he stroked his moustache
"If you keep talking like that, I'll tape your shut" threatened Rick with a glare causing Lorimer to laugh evily
"Hah! Jokes on thou! I'm into that shit!" Said Lorimer triumphantly before Rick glared harder "okay okay, I'll stopeth...that was an accident."
Rick rolled (lol) his eyes at his grandson before heading to the kitchen with Lorimer behind him.
There, they shot someone.
"So, what are those glowing rocks for?" Asked Lorimer calmly as he walked with Rick to the kitchen
"Maybe if you'd focus more on science and not monopoly I'd tell you." Deadpanned Rick
"Wow, i think i hear an ocean wanting it's salt back" replied Lorimer with a frown as he rolled his eyes "yeesh, monopoly really does destroy friendships."
"Yeah, if only they'd put a warning label on these thing" said Rick with a frown and he and Lorimer made it into the kitchen
"I guess...wanna burn it while we're still angry?" Asked Lorimer with a smile
"That's the best idea you've had all day." Said Rick with a smile as he put the rock in the kitchen trash
"Hey!" Interrupted Jerry "there's no way I'm letting you two burn glowing rocks along with the kitchen trash."
"And Lorimer, why are you looking looking so...french?" Asked Beth as she fed Morty Jr.
"And is that a skull?" Asked Morty, pointing at the skull in Lorimer's arms
"I tried making myself look like a generic movie director, but i needed a Shakespeare reference; that's why i have a skull"
"Look, i don't care. I don't want you burning those rocks anywhere near the house" said Jerry firmly
"Well, I don't want your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry. But life is made of little concessions." Replied Rick calmly
As Jerry stammered for a comeback, an unfamiliar face spoke.
"You're gonna land on your feet Jer. Some company out there's gonna thank they're lucky stars they hired my little brother."
"Who the fuck are you?" Asked Rick in confusion
"My goofy brother Steve. He's been living here almost a year now, are you losing your mind?" Said Jerry raising a brow
"Since when did you have an older broth-" Said Lorimer looking very disturbed before he remembered the episode "oh right, shapeshifters are a thing."
As Jerry's "brother" was about to deny Lorimer's words, for some reason, Rick just shot him without any warning causing "Steve" to transform back into a worm like shapeshifter prompting nearly everyone to panic.
"Everybody just relax for a second. There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve." That is an alien parasite." said Rick calmly as he inspected Steve while Lorimer took a blood sample nonchalantly.
"Don't mind me, just taking some blood for reasons."
"But I've known him my whole life!" Exclaimed Jerry in shock and confusion
"No, you haven't Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories they use those to multiply, spread out, and take over planets. It's disgusting." Replied Rick calmly
"For now, don't let anyone enter this house. The defense system can't protect me- i mean us, if you do" said Lorimer calmly before taking Morty Jr from Beth "and the baby stays with me in case i have to shoot someone. I'd feel bad if i had to shoot a baby."
"Nobody cares about your lousy morals, Lori." Deadpanned Rick as he inspected the corpse
"Steve wasn't real?!" Asked Morty in a panic
"He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one, someone probably tracked in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit." Said Rick with a frown
"Someone?" Asked Summer
"Get off the high road, Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet." Replied Rick angrily
"Hey! It could've Lorimer!" Summer defended herself
"We all know he's too lazy to craft a disease just for a five minute joke, Summer." Said Rick crossing his arm
Summer tried to come up with something, but ultimately gave up knowing that it was, indeed, true. Lorimer felt slightly offended, but nodded along, too lazy to add a comment.
"But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!" Said Morty still in shock
"No, 'Steve' put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things, so we gotta keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up." Said Rick calmly
"Ooh wee, whatever you want Rick! We're here to help!" Said Mr Poopybutthole (Mr Pbh) cheerfully
"Thanks Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you." Replied Rick with a smile totally ignoring how Pbh just appeared out of nowhere.
"You know, if these guys weren't parasites, they'd be very good at therapy."
"Alright, there's eight of us and that's it. Me, Morty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Lorimer, Junior and Summer." Said Rick as he pinned a paper with the number eight to the wall
"Maybe you got the first one in time, Rick." Said Mr Pbh cheerfully
"Can't afford to chance it." Said Rick calmly as he pressed a button on his watch, causing the house to be sealed off by blast shields.
"Dad, why does our house have blast shields?" Asked Beth in confusion
"Same reason this house is a murder weapon." Said Lorimer nonchalantly
"Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y- remember that? After the Hulk musical?" Asked Mr Pbh cheerfully before everyone except Lorimer and Morty Jr was sent to a flashback
"I remember that musical, but i didn't go with them and babysat you instead" said Lorimer putting a hand on his chin "this episode is gonna need some focus"
"It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air." Said Cousin Nicky cheerfully
"I wasn't in the flashback, so who the fuck are you?!" Asked Lorimer in confusion at this random person's appearance
"It's me! Cousin Nick-" said Nicky before Lorimer shot him with a laser from the his Shakespeare skull causing everyone to panic once more as Nicky turned out to be a parasite.
"Honestly, even if he wasn't a parasite I'd still kill him just for announcing himself as 'cousin' like it's some sort of British noblility title." Said Lorimer with a deep frown, ignoring the screaming behind him before Junior tried tasting some parasite blood "No! Junior, don't eat that!"
"What the...? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!" Said Morty in shock
"Eight, Morty! There's supposed to be eight of us! If there's nine, then that means somebody's not real." Said Rick with a frown
"How did you know it was cousin Nicky?" Asked Beth in confusion
"Yeah, how did you know?" Asked Lily, Lorimer's girlfriend
"Well, my dear-" said Lorimer before realizing it "wait a minute, what? Who?"
"I'm your girlfriend, Lily, remember?" Asked Lily with a smile
Lorimer suddenly began remembering very very very intimate memories of him and Lily. Very happy memories, through happiness and sadness.
Lorimer snapped back to reality when Rick decided to Lily revealing that she was, sadly, a parasite.
"Why must you hurt me this way?" Asked Lorimer absentmindedly in horror
"Look on the bright side. That was closest you've ever gotten to an actual relationship." Deadpanned Rick
"So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old nazi submarine. Did that not even happen?" Asked Beth before everyone was thrown into a flashback
That was not the last flashback the smith family fell into.
Soon, more and more parasites appeared and it got out of control.
Lorimer couldn't kill everyone, and as the family went into more and more flashbacks Lorimer couldn't focus on defeating the parasites or remember how to do defeat them.
He couldn't kill just everyone, his existence changed things and that means he couldn't completely rely on his memory of the show.
There was only one solution left. Brute force.
"Okay! Everybody line up!" Lorimer yelled put "I've come up with a plan to find the parasites and get-"
"But Lorimer, you and Rick already killed the only-" said a sentient cob of corn before Lorimer shot him with his Shakespeare skull laser. The corn turned out to be a parasite.
"Anyone else want to interrupt?" Asked Lorimer angrily as he held up the Shakespeare skull in one hand and Junior in the other. "Thought so."
"Well, what is the plan?" Asked Beth curiously
Lorimer took a deep breath "...I'm gonna kill everyone here and then I'll put the non parasites back together like a crying child." He said calmly "that's a reference by the way."
"You're gonna kill us?!" Exclaimed Summer angrily
"Look, some of you may die; but that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make." Said Lorimer calmly
"Calm down, Lori. Fighting like this ain't gonna do us much" said a cowboy like voice "this is your family we're talking about."
"Family? This shitshow? I mean, just look at Summer!" Said Lorimer angrily as he gestured towards his sister "the most useless person here!"
"Hey!" Summer exclaimed
"Mortimer Stupid Decisions Smith!" Said Lorimer gesturing towards Morty whose shoulders drooped from the insult before gesturing towards Beth "Miss Wasting Her Entire Talent!"
"Lorimer!" Exclaimed Jerry angrily
"Shut up! Your entire purpose is comedic relief." Lorimer snapped "you only exists to be a punching bag for others and for making jokes about being jobless. Don't try to deny it!"
Jerry stammered for a comeback, but alas, Lorimer was correct.
"Well, how do we know that YOU'RE not a parasite?" Summer asked angrily
"Oh, really. You're gonna pull that shitty card right now?!"
"Of course! With all the shit i have to put up with because of you!"
Suddenly, in the midst of Lorimer and Summer fighting, a revelation hit Rick.
"Wait! Shit! That's it! Shit" Rick yelled out causing everyone to focus on him. He continued as he began supplying the family with weapons. "the parasites can only make good memories! Kill anyone who you don't have shitty memories of."
The next few minutes were spent murdering the people they didn't hate and it was glorious.
And after the death party, they all sat down for food. Lorimer saw Beth glaring at Pbh and, knowing that he was not a parasite, Lorimer if he should save Pbh at the expense of literally nothing.
Lorimer sighed and decided to do it himself.
He shot Pbh with a laser gun before he shot him again with a regeneration serum.
"There! He's not a parasite! You can stop glaring now!" Said Lorimer angry that he had to do this "next time, I'm picking a role i can stick to. Writer or whatever isn't doing it for me."
As Beth looked slightly horrified about how she was about to shoot someone innocent, everyone else was horrified that Lorimer shot said innocent.
Regardless, Lorimer continued eating nonchalantly while everyone else was consoling Pbh who did still feel the pain of being shot.
Even the narrator agreed a little with everyone branding Lorimer as a heartless jerk.