"What's new at school?" Asked Jerry with a smile as the whole Smith family sat down to eat together.
"Nothing." Replied Summer calmly
"Nothing! Oh, uh, one of the lunch ladies died. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck and all the blood drained out of her." Countered Morty in emergency.
"So a vampire? Cool." Said Lorimer nonchalantly.
"Obviously." Added Rick calmly. "W-where's the pepper?"
"Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!" Asked Summer in shock.
"Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?" Commented Jerry rolling his eyes.
"Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now." Deadpanned Rick.
"Summer, your nephew was half alien and you worker for the literal devil! The novelty of weirdness should've worn off at this point." Said Lorimer tiredly as he ate.
"Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe." Added Morty calmly. "Get used to it."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Exclaimed Summer worriedly.
"We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire." Said Rick calmly with a shrug.
"Or we can capture the vampire and turn ourselves into vampires and-" said Lorimer before Beth cut him off.
"*gasp* make a romance tv show about hot vampires!"
"I WAS gonna say something along the lines of creating muscular ghosts to fight for us, but i second hot vampires." Said Lorimer calmly.
"Hmm, alright. All in favor of turning into vampires, raise your hands." Sair Rick calmly before Lorimer, Morty and Beth raised their hands.
Lorimer was surprised that such a small line could easily influence the story, but not having to deal with Tiny Rick's whole deal was a blessing in his eyes.
"Being vampires sounds cool." Added Morty.
"Wait, guys! This is a horrible idea!" Exclaimed Summer with a frown. "Do you want to survive on blood? Not be able to walk in the sun?"
"C'mon, Summer, it's cool." Said Jerry, not paying attention.
"Jerry, can you please pay attention?!" Asled Beth angrily, snapping Jerry awake. "We're talking about something important here."
"About what?" Asked Jerry raising a brow.
"Becoming hot vampires." Said Beth
"That's horrible idea!" Exclaimed Jerry.
"Well, maybe it'd be a great idea if we do it as a family." Said Beth with a strained smile.
"Oh, would you look at that, I'm being attacked for-"
As Beth and Jerry argued, Lorimer leaned towards Rick and whispered.
"Remember when this happened before the...you know?"
Rick suddenly remembered what happened during the episode Rick Potion No.9 "S*t." Cursed Rick under his breath before raising his voice. "Okay, you two, i have a way to fix your stupid marriage."
"We already tried a couple's therapist."
"That's earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate. You two will go there while me and the kids become vampires.'
"But i wanna be a vampire!" Beth whined.
"Ugh, okay." Said Rick before holding his watch to his mouth. "Computer, are any legit vampire couples' therapist?"
A few seconds later, a hologram of vampires, werewolves, witches, intelligent undead, humans, and other monstrous humanoids walking around some fancy therapist mansion.
Seriously, how do these people get so rich? I also never step into the sun and you don't see me swimming in gold Scrooge Mcduck. *clears throat* anyway, ignore this narrator, back to the story.
"Holy s*t, it's actually real." Said Rick in surprise before reading the place's description. "Monstrous Love Inc. For relationships between humanoids regardless of species. 100% success rate in bringing back that passion so you can once again call them the beauty to your beast...or vice versa."
"Wow. There's a real monster couples' therapy here?" Asked Beth in shock.
"Sounds like you'll fit there." Commented Jerry.
"Save the remarks for the therapy, Jerry." Rick then stood up from his chair with a smile. "Alright, if that's settled, let's go catch that vampire!"
And the whole family suited up for some vampire hunting.
Except Summer.
"-so you see, Principal, if the vampire isn't taken care of...we're suing the school for safety violations." Said Lorimer as he wore a fancy suit. "With this in mind, are you willing to let us kidnap the coach that can't sue for an unsafe work environment if he was kidnapped off of school grounds."
The principal stared them in the eye for a few seconds that felt like a few hours before speaking in a dead serious tone. "Kidnap him."
Lorimer nodded before pulling out his phone and dialing in a number. "Take him home." He said before turning to the principal and aiming at him with a plant based memory gun. "Sorry, no witnesses."
The principal couldn't struggle before his memories were erased.
And the smith family had their vampire.
"Okay, everyone. The anti serum is in the garage if you're lame like Summer." Said Rick calmly as he put on Dracula clothes. "Who will also take care of Morty Jr."
"What?! Why?!" Exclaimed Summer angrily.
"You're the only one not a vampire or going to therapy, deal with it." Said vampire Beth calmly before she started sipping on a mouse for blood.
"Do i have to go to therapy?" Asked Jerry in fear of the sight.
"Yes!" Exclaimed vampire Lorimer angrily. "A million times, yes! I will literally replace your memories if you don't."
"Alright alrigh- wait, what?!" Exclaimed Jerry in shock before he was interrupted by Beth lifting him up as she flew.
"Oh my god! I can fly!" She exclaimed in surprise.
Next, it was Morty who tried a vampiric ability.
"Whoa! I can shapeshift!" Said Morty as he gave himself muscles.
Lorimer then tried an ability and was baffled by its implications. He aimed his hand forwards and tried to shoot something and what came out was...gold!'
"That's how those f*kers always have so much gold!" Exclaimed Rick in realization.
"It makes so much sense!" Added Lorimer.
"Now, even Morty can make more money than Jerry." Added Rick cheerfully.
"At least I'm still HUMAN!" Said Jerry angrily.
"Wait, didn't you say during that one Christmas that we look human then we're human?" Asked Lorimer raising a brow.
Jerry couldn't respond before Beth stepped in...flew in?
She's floating, maybe that could work? Floated in? Nah, doesn't roll off the tongue. Flew in it is!
Beth flew it and ended this part of the conversation. "Let's go, Jerry. We all heard you say that."
Lorimer secretly let out a sigh of relief as he didn't know if Jerry actually said that in this universe.
"Why are you sighing in relief?" Asked Beth raising a brow.
Lorimer froze as he realized that vampires have super senses and his mom heard his sigh.
"Uhh, i was...seeing how long i can hold my breath for?" Said Lorimer nervously.
"Wait, do we even breathe?" Asked Morty in confusion.
"I think?" Said Beth with a shrug as Jerry dangled from her hand.
"Hey! Be careful!" Exclaimed Jerry angrily before being met with a deathly glare from Beth that shut him up completely.
"Alright, enough biology questions. We didn't do this for research, we did it because we're bored and we have nothing else to do." Deadpanned Rick as he stepped into the conversation completely ignoring Jerry. "Now, boys, who want to party with vampire grandpa Rick!"
Lorimer and Morty cheered while Summer frowned. They all were unaware of the grim future ahead of them.
Meanwhile, this narrator is legally obligated to make this joke.
And then he turned himself into a vampire! Funniest s*t I've ever seen!