"Exactly," Ishikawa Hikaru said, glaring at Hikigaya Hachiman.
"You're completely unqualified to be a light novel protagonist. Do you even realize how much effort Hiratsuka-sensei put into setting this up for you? She finally created a chance for you to meet Yukinoshita-san, and what are you doing? Sitting here talking nonsense with me? What a waste."
"Do you even have the right to say that?!" Hikigaya snapped.
"I don't care about that! Just go talk to Yukinoshita-san already and advance the plot!"
Ishikawa suddenly stood up, giving Hikigaya a rather sinister smile.
"And if you refuse to move the story forward… I'll have to take drastic measures."
"Then why don't you do it yourself?!"
"Because I'm an observer," Ishikawa replied calmly.
"Not a participant."
Before Hikigaya could react, Ishikawa slipped behind him and hooked an arm around his neck.
"Wha—!"
In one swift motion, Ishikawa dragged both Hikigaya and a chair across the room and planted him directly in front of Yukinoshita Yukino.
Then he pressed both hands firmly on Hikigaya's shoulders, preventing him from escaping.
Only then did he look at Yukinoshita with complete seriousness.
"Yukinoshita-san. The suspect has been secured. May the interrogation begin?"
Yukinoshita stared at the two of them for a moment.
Then she spoke calmly.
"Hikigaya-kun, I suggest you cooperate. Judging from Ishikawa-kun's current mental condition, resisting may genuinely put your life in danger."
"Exactly," Ishikawa said with a solemn nod.
"If you don't want to die, don't resist."
Hikigaya paused for a moment, weighing his options.
Then he raised both hands in surrender.
"…Fine. I surrender."
"You chose the hard way when the easy way was available," Ishikawa scoffed.
"And I'd advise you not to offend Yukinoshita-san. Otherwise I might have to dispose of your body in Tokyo Bay."
Hikigaya decided not to question why it specifically had to be Tokyo Bay.
Instead, he rubbed his sore neck and turned to Yukinoshita.
"Now you see how dangerous this guy is, right? Ishikawa is easily the most violent person in this room. For your own safety, I recommend reporting him to Hiratsuka-sensei later so he can be removed from your field of vision permanently."
"I have no intention of participating in your childish high school games," Yukinoshita said, pressing a hand to her forehead.
"Do either of you even know what kind of club this is?"
"The Paranormal Research Club," Ishikawa answered immediately.
Yukinoshita ignored him completely.
"…The Literature Club, maybe?" Hikigaya guessed.
"On what basis?"
"There's no special equipment here, and you've been reading a book this entire time."
Yukinoshita gave him a faintly unimpressed look.
"You're wrong."
Ishikawa nodded seriously.
"So it really is the Paranormal Research Club."
Hikigaya felt his blood pressure rising.
"How does anything she said have to do with paranormal research?! That's just your delusion!"
Ignoring their argument entirely, Yukinoshita stood up.
"Welcome to the Service Club."
Her voice was calm and composed.
"I am Yukinoshita Yukino. Since I have accepted the teacher's request, I will fulfill my responsibility. I will correct the problems the two of you have."
"…You should feel grateful."
"Our problems?" Hikigaya raised an eyebrow.
"I cannot overlook what you just said," Ishikawa said, narrowing his eyes.
"According to your logic, because you are strong you have the right to help the weak. By placing yourself above us like that, isn't that just condescending charity?"
"And besides," Hikigaya added quickly, "I'm actually pretty capable. I ranked third in the grade on the midterms. My appearance isn't bad either. Other than having no friends, I'm excellent in most areas."
"And even if Ishikawa has mental issues, he's still a bestselling light novel author."
Yukinoshita tilted her head slightly.
"From my observations, the reason you have no friends is your rotten personality and distorted worldview."
"As for appearance, aesthetic judgment is subjective. Therefore, only my opinion matters here."
Then she turned her gaze to Ishikawa.
"As for Ishikawa-kun… although his academic ranking is last place and his mental state appears unstable, he may actually be attempting to improve Hikigaya-kun's interpersonal relationships in his own way."
"Huh?" Hikigaya made a face that clearly said this woman is insane.
Ishikawa raised an eyebrow.
Yukinoshita calmly reopened her book.
"I memorized the student records and photos of everyone in this school. Naturally, people as unusual as the two of you caught my attention."
"Ishikawa Hikaru. Last place in academic rankings. However, during your first year you passed the Baseball Club tryouts and were evaluated as a naturally gifted pitcher. The coach even considered training you for Koshien."
"But you withdrew because of manuscript deadlines and the long training schedule."
"After that, you were quite popular in Class 1-A, thanks to your cheerful personality."
"However, because you frequently took leave to meet writing deadlines, your popularity declined. That is why you were placed in Class 2-F in your second year."
She looked at Hikigaya again.
"So tell me, Hikigaya-kun. Does that really sound like someone with serious mental problems?"
Ishikawa clapped slowly.
"As expected of Yukinoshita-san."
"I never imagined stalking could look so righteous."
"It's simply basic investigation," Yukinoshita replied calmly.
"But I didn't expect someone like you to make sacrifices for Hikigaya-kun just to improve his personality."