"Drive safely, okay?"
"Okay, see you."
"Okay."
I said goodbye as I watched the car I had just gotten out of drive away. P' Fah was the one who dropped me off at my dorm. We talked a lot about what had happened during the time we hadn't seen each other. Nothing particularly special, though. If I had to guess, he probably hadn't even thought about me much.
After moving away, he must've encountered new environments, new people, and continued moving forward in his own way. It's different from me, who's still lost. But I'm happy, you know? Happy that P' Fah seemed glad to see me, even if it's just as the little neighbor he hadn't met in a long time.
I walked up to my room, feeling utterly exhausted. Today was a rather tiring day because I had been wandering aimlessly all day, not to mention under the scorching sun. I dropped my bag and placed my belongings next to the bed, then picked up my camera to review the photos I had taken today. How lucky I was to capture such a clear blue sky today. Barely any clouds at all.
You were so bright today...I glanced toward the wall above my desk, covered with photos. Back when I first started practicing photography, I had asked Torfun to be my model. At first, she complained, saying she didn't like having her picture taken, but she always let me do it anyway. We traveled to many places together just for photography, so the wall in front of me is filled with memories of those times.
It's strange that I never thought much about them before, but now that Torfun is no longer here, those memories flood back as if to remind me not to forget. Every photo has a story, and in every story, there's you. I remember it all. I sank into the chair at my desk. Beside me was a pile of medical entrance exam prep books. Next to it was a bookshelf, and on the other side, a small drawer for my belongings sat on the desk. I opened the bottom drawer and found a photo of Torfun taken with a film camera.
This photo is beautiful. Maybe I'll put it up, too...I remember I didn't like the outfit Torfun wore in this photo because it was too revealing. She ended up putting on a cover-up despite the heat, just to please me. You always indulged me in everything, didn't you? That's probably why I grew up to be such a spoiled child. Come to think of it, back when I was a kid, both P' Fah and Torfun gave in to me all the time.
Even when I wanted to have a cat but my mom wouldn't let me, P'Fah agreed to take care of it for me instead. Mom… I still call her "mom," even though she's not my real mother. Because… When people ask me how my mom is doing, I'd rather say, "I don't know. Ever since she divorced my dad, I haven't heard from her again," than say, "I don't know because I don't know who my real mother is."
I used to blame everything that hurt me, but when I think about it, everything had a reason. Imagine a family, a father, a mother, and their one-year-old daughter. Everything is going well. They're a warm and happy family, with a little angel as a testament to their love.
But then, one day, a baby is abandoned at their doorstep. That baby turns out to be the child of the father's affair. The family shatters. The mother loses all love and trust in her husband. Yet, she has to stay because of her daughter, and now, she also has to be the mother of that baby.
It wouldn't be strange for her to hate me. I am the living evidence of the worst moment in her life. Every time she looked at me, who knows how much hatred filled her eyes? As for my father… he didn't love my real mother. Whether it was a mistake or something else, it doesn't matter.
But I'm your child. Did you never think of loving me even a little? I don't know who my real mother is, but the fact that she abandoned me makes it clear. She didn't love me. No news, no contact, not a single trace of her for me to know. She didn't even give me a name...
Still, I hope she's doing well somewhere in this world. If I ever meet her and she remembers me, I want to ask her… Did you ever think about me, Mom? What kind of person did you want me to grow up to be? What did you want me to study or become? And did I grow up to be the person you wanted me to be?
…
"Typhoon, come out and talk."
"No."
"I'm sorry, Typhoon. Don't be mad at me, okay?"
"You promised you'd go out with me. I don't like people who break their promises."
"I had to work on a group project with my friends. I'll take you next time, I promise."
"No. I'll go by myself."
"You can't go alone. What if you get lost again?"
"Do you even care about me?"
"Typhoon…"
I sat on my bed with a sulky expression, upset and hurt that Torfun had broken our promise. We had agreed to go out together on Saturday, but suddenly, she told me she couldn't because of her group project. What was that about? I had been looking forward to it so much.
"Open the door and let's talk," Torfun said from outside my locked room. Since I didn't have anyone but her, Torfun always had to pay extra attention to me. Whenever I was upset, I'd sulk and throw tantrums. She must have been tired of dealing with me. I wasn't a very lovable child.
"No."
"If we don't talk, how can we understand each other?"
"I don't care. I don't want to understand."
"...Sigh."
Then the sound outside my door went quiet. I turned to look toward the door immediately. Was she giving up on me? After a moment, a piece of paper slid under the door. I walked over, picked it up, and unfolded it. It was a handwritten note:
To… Typhoon, the sulky little kid.
I know we agreed to go out together on Saturday, but Typhoon, you have to understand that I'm really busy. This group project is important. If I don't go and help my friends, they'll definitely be upset with me. You wouldn't want that, would you? So please, be a good kid and wait a little longer. Next time, I'll take you to two places and treat you to some snacks. Deal?
P.S. I know you're waiting for me to apologize. But what if someday I stop trying to make it up to you? What would you do then, little sulky one? Hurry up and stop being mad. The cake I baked is almost done. If you don't come out soon, I might eat it all myself.
From… Torfun, your big sister who always has to apologize to this sulky kid.
I couldn't help but smile at the note. I opened the door to find Torfun standing there with a freshly baked cake in her hands. We made up and ended up sitting together, eating cake. After that, the two of us started using letters to communicate whenever we were upset or misunderstood each other. Sometimes, we even used letters when there was something we wanted to say but couldn't do so face-to-face.
Torfun said writing letters allowed us to express feelings that couldn't be conveyed otherwise. Like when she wanted to make up with me but I wouldn't talk to her, she used letters to reach out instead. Even now… I still write letters to her.
I write one every day, letters to Torfun. They're like diary entries where I tell her what I've experienced and how I feel. I share my daily life with her. But the letters don't go anywhere. After writing, I place them in a drawer. I started doing this shortly after Torfun passed away because I felt lonely and needed someone to talk to.
Most importantly… it's the longing I want to send her, just like the letters she used to send me.
To… Torfun
From the last time I told you I'd come to Chiang Mai, the weather was nice today, so I went out for a walk and took pictures as usual. I even went to the walking street. It was quite different and had unique handmade goods. I bought a handmade item for 150 baht. The big news is… I met P' Fah! He was with someone named Mona, who's the same age as me and in her first year of medical school.
At first, I thought they were dating, but P' Fah said she's just a junior he knows. They must be close if they're traveling together. Maybe their relationship will develop in the future. P' Fah seemed happy to see me, like a big brother reunited with a younger sibling after a long time.
He asked me lots of questions, even about you, Torfun. I told him you… were doing well. I'm sorry I lied. I'm a bad kid again. But at that moment, I couldn't think of anything else. If I told him the truth, he might've been angry or disappointed in me. I know P' Fah isn't that kind of person, but honestly, Torfun…
I'm so scared. I'm scared of everything. If I lose him too, and you're not here anymore, who will I have left? P' Fah hasn't changed. He's as kind as ever and even more handsome now. You would've screamed if you saw him. He must be quite popular at university. Oh, and Mona is apparently one of his tutoring students, which shows how smart he is. He's become a brilliant medical student.
But don't worry, Torfun. I'll definitely pass the medical entrance exams. I'll become a doctor who helps children in need, just like you wanted. :) Good night, Torfun. I hope you're happy and healthy wherever you are. With love and longing,
From… Typhoon
I folded the paper and sealed it with clear tape, then placed it in the drawer with all the other folded papers I've written over the years. I've been writing these letters for so long that the drawer is full of them. But they're easy to store, just one drawer can hold them all. Sometimes, when I look back at the old letters, I recall the days that have passed, good days, bad days, and even days marked with tears on the paper. But I've gotten through them all.
Maybe it's just my imagination, but I think I've grown a little over time. A notification from my phone snapped me out of my thoughts. It was a message from P' Fah. We had just exchanged Line IDs earlier.
[Tf]: Are you asleep yet?
[Typhoon]: Not yet.
[Tf]: Do you want to go anywhere?
Earlier, while P' Fah was driving me back, he mentioned that since I'm new here, I might not know my way around. He offered to take me around the city if he's free so I could get familiar with the area. He also said I could tell him if there's a specific place I want to visit, and he'd take me there.
[Typhoon]: I'm not sure yet.
[Tf]: Are you free tomorrow?
[Typhoon]: Sure.
[Tf]: Let's explore the university area.
[Tf]: That way, you won't get lost when you start school.
Typhoon: Sounds good.
[Tf]: Then I'll pick you up tomorrow.
[Tf]: What time would be good?
[Typhoon]: Anytime is fine.
[Tf]: How about 1 p.m.?
[Typhoon]: Sure.
[Tf]: Good night.
[Typhoon]: Good night.
And that was the end of our conversation. Saying goodnight when it's barely past 9 p.m. I scrolled to look at the profile picture of the person I was chatting with, it was a candid photo of P' Fah. Even though we only exchanged a few words, it left me with a strange sense of comfort. Thinking about meeting him tomorrow made me smile.
He's taking me around the university so I won't get lost when classes start? That's so thoughtful. Is he this kind to everyone? I've heard that falling for someone's kindness, especially when they're kind to everyone, hurts even more than falling for someone who doesn't love anyone at all.
If that's the case… Goodnight, P' Fah. I hope you'll be as bright tomorrow as you were today.
4:20 a.m.
I barely slept all night. In fact, I hardly ever sleep well. There's always so much on my mind. Many times, when I close my eyes, images of Torfun appear, and I end up crying silently through the night. Sometimes, I have nightmares, waking up startled in the middle of the night, only to find tears streaming down my face.
I dream of Torfun driving to pick me up and getting into an accident, or of my parents fighting. Sleep has become something frightening to me. Because I'm scared of nightmares…
I once saw a doctor about my insomnia because it was disrupting my daily life. But I didn't go into detail about its cause, only saying it was due to stress from school and other minor issues. My insomnia became chronic, and the doctor diagnosed me with an insomnia disorder.
The medication worked at first, but as the nightmares worsened, I stopped taking it and went back to enduring sleepless nights. The doctor suggested seeing a psychiatrist to address potential depression, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about my past with anyone.
I was too scared to talk and wanted to bury it as deeply as possible. Last night, I went to bed at 11 p.m. but woke up at 4 a.m. I barely slept five hours, and even then, it wasn't restful, I kept waking up intermittently. I felt a splitting headache, but since I couldn't sleep anymore, I decided to get up.
I took a shower, washed my face, made coffee, and reviewed my study schedule to see which subject I needed to focus on today. Then I started reading. Maybe I should try enrolling in a prep class? Chiang Mai must have some tutoring centers to help with entrance exams. If I have time, I'll consult my dad about it when he's free.
At around 6 a.m., I stopped reading to watch the sunrise. Thanks to my insomnia, I've gotten into the habit of waking up early for years now. Watching the sunrise isn't so bad, especially when the sky changes color, it's breathtaking. I couldn't resist taking out my camera to capture it.
After reading for nearly three hours, I went downstairs at 7 a.m. to grab breakfast.
"You're up early," the grilled pork vendor greeted me. I smiled back.
"Yes, two skewers of pork and one bag of sticky rice, please."
"Same as always, huh? Not tempted to try grilled chicken for a change?"
"No, thank you." I smiled politely.
"But you look so tired. Have you been sleeping at all?" she asked while packing the skewers. "I've been meaning to say, you always look sleepy."
"Not much last night," I admitted, handing her the money. "Thanks. See you later."
Everyone keeps saying I look sleepy all the time. Well… they're not wrong. I returned to my room and ate the sticky rice and pork I'd bought. I've heard that people who don't sleep enough die younger. That seems true, I've become more forgetful since developing insomnia, and I was already forgetful to begin with. It feels like my brain isn't functioning at full capacity. How long will I even live, Typhoon?
With nothing to do but wait for P' Fah, I continued studying. I'm not naturally good at academics, nothing like Torfun or P' Fah. But I've always tried hard because I wanted to be praised. Torfun used to tell me that effort never betrays you. If you're not as talented as others, you just have to work harder behind the scenes. Good grades are built on persistence and effort.
But no matter how good my grades are, I still don't get much attention. Torfun said I'm capable, but I push myself so hard because I don't truly enjoy what I'm studying. That's probably true. I don't like biology, chemistry, or physics. If you asked me what I love… I love photography and dream of becoming a photographer. But dreams like that don't matter much, do they?
1:04 p.m.
[Tf]: Can we reschedule to 2 p.m.? I have a small errand to run.
[Typhoon]: Sure.
2:12 p.m.
[Tf]: I might be a little late. There's a traffic jam.-Typhoon-: Okay.
2:36 p.m.
[Tf]: I've arrived.
[Tf]: Look to your left.
I turned left as P' Fah instructed but didn't see anyone.
"That's your right, Typhoon," he laughed softly. "Still mixing up left and right?"
I fell silent, embarrassed to have made a fool of myself in front of him again.
"Have you been waiting long?"
Since 12:30 p.m.…
"No, I just came down."
"Okay, shall we go?"
"Sure," I said as I followed P' Fah to his car. I had been so excited about going out with him that I came down early and sat at the marble table near my dorm. When he asked to reschedule, I decided to wait there instead of going back and forth.
"Have you had lunch?"
"Uh… yes."
The grilled pork from this morning counts as two meals, right? I usually don't feel very hungry for some reason.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, why?"
"Nothing, you just seem tired today."
"Oh… this is normal for me."
"Is it?" P' Fah glanced at me briefly before turning back to the road, looking surprised.
"Yes."
"P' Fah said, 'I don't think that's a good idea,' before turning back to look at the road as usual. P' Fah drives very smoothly, which is a good thing because I often get carsick.
'It's okay,' I replied.
'Are you sure?'
'Yes, it's fine.'
No matter what… It's fine.
'If you turn left here, you'll see the engineering faculty, but you probably won't have to study there,' P' Fah said, giving me a tour of the university. This was extremely helpful for someone like me. I raised my camera to take a picture.
'Do you always carry your camera with you?' he asked.
'Yes, I like taking photos,' I replied.
'I noticed you have liked it since middle school,' he said.
'That's right,' I nodded. My first camera was a birthday gift that Torfun and P' Fah had pooled their money together to buy for me. They knew I had started getting interested in photography but didn't have my own camera, so I used to sneakily borrow my dad's camera to play with all the time.
'This building is the general lecture hall. Some elective classes are held here,' P' Fah said.
'Did you have any classes here, P' Fah?' I asked."
"In the second year, you probably won't have many classes outside your faculty," he said.
"Oh..." I replied while continuing to take photos along the way. I'd have to stick them on the wall later and memorize which building was which. "What about my faculty?"
"It's located outside the main campus because it needs a lot of space."
"Space?"
"For the animals. It's for studying and taking care of them in collaboration with the Agriculture Faculty."
"Oh..." I nodded, signaling that I understood. What was I thinking when I chose the veterinary faculty? Can I really handle this? I do love animals, but I'm not sure if I'll do well.
"There's also a place to walk around, it's a reservoir. Do you want to go?"
"Sure."
The car stopped in the parking area, and I followed P' Fah on foot.
Even though it was evening, the weather was still hot. After walking uphill for a bit, I saw the reservoir. Surrounding it was a small road meant for walking, with a few people strolling around.
I really liked the view of the sky from here. I quickly raised my camera to capture it. The upper part of the photo was the sky, and the lower part included a mountain in the frame. Even though it was hot, a breeze passed by occasionally. When we reached a spot shaded by trees, it felt cool and refreshing. If there aren't too many people around, I'd probably come here often.
"Can we take a break for a bit?" I asked, feeling drained from the heat. The combination of lack of sleep and the blazing sunlight was making me dizzy.
"Sure," P' Fah replied, sitting down on a nearby bench. I sat beside him, occasionally sneaking glances his way. A soft breeze brushed against our faces, causing his dark hair to sway gently. The sight made my heart race. But when he realized I was staring, I quickly looked away.
This is nice...Being like this is nice, no matter the nature of our relationship. At least, that's what I think for now.
"Hey, P' Fah! And... is that Typhoon?" Suddenly, a cheerful woman approached us, waving with a bright smile. It's Mona...
"Hi, Mona. Are you here alone?" P' Fah asked.
"Yep! I got bored in the dorm and decided to take a walk," she said.
"What about you two? What are you doing here?"
"Just taking a walk," P' Fah replied.
"Perfect! Mind if I join you for a walk?"
"Sure," P' Fah agreed. I had expected him to say yes, given how sociable and friendly he always is. That meant I had no choice but to go along, even though I tend to feel uncomfortable around strangers.
"Phoon, can I just call you Phoon?" Mona asked.
"Oh, sure," I replied.
"Do you like photography too?" Mona asked, pointing at the camera hanging around my neck. I nodded in response. "Can I see some of your photos? I just started learning photography."
"My photos aren't that good," I said. I prefer keeping my pictures to myself. They might look good to me, but others might not think so.
"That's okay! Mine aren't great either. How about we trade and take a look at each other's photos?"
"Uh… o-okay," I stammered. How could I refuse? In the end, we ended up exchanging photos.
"Wow, your pictures are amazing, Phoon!"
"Thanks. Mona, your photos are great too," I said, handing her camera back.
"Just call me Mo," she said with a smile. Then she turned to P' Fah.
"P' Fah, let's take some photos together!" She suddenly wrapped her arms around his.
They seem... really close.
"I'm not really into taking photos," P' Fah politely declined.
"Ah, alright," she said.
"Phoon, can you take a picture for us?" Mona handed me her camera again, this time asking me to take a photo of her and P' Fah together. They stood on a small bridge, and from the way they posed, they looked like a couple.
"The picture isn't very clear," Mona said with a slight pout, clearly dissatisfied after seeing the photo I had taken. The focus had ended up on the background rather than on them.
"Sorry about that. I'm not very good at taking pictures of people," I admitted.
"It's okay, no worries. I'll just upload it to Facebook. Is it alright if I tag you, P' Fah?"
"Sure," he replied.
On the way back, Mona asked for a ride. She took the passenger seat next to P' Fah, while I moved to sit in the back. From the backseat, I watched the two of them chatting. Mona was charming, talkative and full of energy.
"The other day, I ran into P' Joe," Mona said.
"Really? Where did you see him?"
"At the mall. He was shopping with a woman, she was gorgeous. He was even carrying her bags for her! I didn't think someone like P'Joe, who's rumored to be quite the playboy, would have such a sweet moment like that. I thought he wouldn't be openly out with anyone like that."
"Carrying her bags?" P' Fah repeated Mona's words. "That's unusual."
"Doesn't that mean they're probably dating?" she asked.
"Probably," he replied. "I can't imagine Joe as the type to follow someone around and carry their stuff."
"But he really did! His hands were full, carrying clothes, makeup, shoes. And the woman was stunning! She and Joe looked so good together. What a shame, though."
"Why's that?" he asked.
"Because my friend has a crush on P' Joe," Mona explained. "She says he's exactly her type. She even came to study here because of him."
"Really?"
"Yes! I've even been rooting for her. They say men who stop being players become really warm and caring. I wonder if that's true."
"I don't know," P' Fah said with a small smile.
"And what about you, P' Fah? Are you a player?" Mona teased in a sweet, playful tone.
"No, I'm not," he replied calmly.
"Really?"
"Yes," he affirmed.
"Alright, thank you for the ride! See you later, Phoon. Bye-bye!" Mona said as she stepped out of the car after we arrived at her destination. She turned to wave goodbye with a bright smile.
"You're welcome," P' Fah replied with a smile, making her grin even wider.
"Oh, P' Fah, are you free tonight?" Mona suddenly asked.
"I am. Why?" he replied.
"I wanted to ask you about something I didn't understand."
"Are you really studying first-year material in advance?" he asked, sounding surprised.
"Of course! As a student of P' Fah, I need to aim for honors!" Mona said enthusiastically. "So, are you free?"
"Yes, I'm free."
"Great! I'll call you later. Please answer, okay?"
"Sure."
"Typhoon," P' Fah called out.
"…?"
"Typhoon!"
"Yes?"
"You can move to the front seat now."
"Oh, alright." I got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat.
"Shall we head straight back?" he asked.
"Yes, that's fine."
"Okay."
On the way back to the dorm, I stared out the window. It was nearing dusk, and I felt a strange, heavy sensation in my chest. I didn't like it at all.
"Typhoon," P' Fah broke the silence,
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Since I saw you yesterday, Typhoon, you haven't seemed as cheerful as usual. Is something wrong?" His voice carried genuine concern. I didn't look at him, unsure of the expression on his face.
"No, I'm really fine," I said, forcing a wide smile. "Let's stop for a meal, maybe I'll feel better after eating."
We stopped at a roadside restaurant. As I ate, I thought about how keeping things to myself had become second nature. It wasn't healthy, I knew that, Torfun had told me before. But solitude had been my default for so long.
"Did you have trouble sleeping last night?" P' Fah asked as we ate.
"Why do you think that?"
"It's not hard to tell."
"Just a bit."
"Make sure to rest well when you get back."
"Okay."
The care and kindness you show to everyone… it's not always a good thing, you know? P' Fah, do you realize how easily people fall for your kindness? I've known from the beginning that if I fall too deeply, it'll only lead to pain. You should draw clearer boundaries for the people you don't have feelings for.
After we finished our meal, we walked back to the car. My eyes caught sight of a nearby plant shop. I've always liked plants because they bring me an inexplicable sense of calm.
"Do you want to take a look?" P' Fah asked.
"Can I? Just for a moment?" I replied.
"Of course."
Back home, I had filled the house with plants, but now, the housekeeper was likely the one taking care of them. My father had moved out to live with his new family, leaving only me and the house staff. Since moving into the dorm, my balcony had become cluttered with other items, leaving hardly any space for potted plants.
"Are you interested in any? Planning to place them on your dorm balcony?" the shopkeeper asked as they approached.
"Ah, not really… I'm just looking," I said, smiling sheepishly. I didn't have room to plant anything, but I enjoyed browsing. That was when I stopped in front of a small pot of flowers on a shelf.
Hyacinths…
Hyacinths are winter flowers and can thrive in air-conditioned rooms, so there's no need to worry about the lack of space on the balcony.
"Are you interested?" P' Fah, who was standing behind me, asked. I turned to him with an excited look and quickly nodded.
"Then I'll buy it for you," he said.
"Are you sure?" I asked hesitantly.
"Of course. Seeing you smile like that, how could I not?" he replied.
"Thank you," I said, expressing my gratitude with a soft smile. "Will you help me take care of it?"
"I'd better not, I probably won't have the time to look after it," he said.
"That's such a shame," I muttered, slightly disappointed. If we planted it together, we'd have more things to talk about. P' Fah looked at me quietly, as if deep in thought.
"Alright," he said finally, "but I can't promise I'll take good care of it."
"That's fine!" I said enthusiastically before turning to look at the shelf filled with hyacinths. It's better to buy one that's already blooming; starting from scratch might be too difficult. "In that case, can I buy one for you too? As an exchange?"
"For me?"
"Please?"
"Alright," P' Fah said with a small smile, raising an eyebrow slightly. I chose a purple hyacinth for him and handed it to the shopkeeper to wrap up.
"Can you choose a color for me too, P' Fah?" I asked.
"Sure," he said, stepping closer. He glanced over the hyacinths on the shelf and picked a white one for me.
"White? Why?" I asked curiously.
"I think it suits you," P' Fah replied, making me pause for a moment.
If I'm not mistaken, the white hyacinth symbolizes…No, it's probably not about the meaning. He likely just thought the color itself suited me.
"And what about you, Typhoon? Why did you pick a purple hyacinth?" he asked.
"Uh... no particular reason," I replied, a bit flustered.
"…"
"I just wanted to give it to you," I said simply.