Chapter 2:
Adolescence did not teach her how to live it taught her how to endure quietly and that education was constant relentless and unforgiving it happened in classrooms kitchens streets and bedrooms in places meant to be safe and places that never were it was not delivered as a single lesson but as repetition the same message reinforced until it became instinct that silence was safer than truth compliance safer than honesty endurance safer than resistance
No one ever sat her down to explain this curriculum she absorbed it through observation through consequence through watching what happened to girls who spoke too much who demanded space who refused to bend she saw how they were labeled difficult disrespectful unruly she saw how adults sighed when those girls entered rooms how peers distanced themselves how authority responded with punishment disguised as discipline she learned quickly that speaking came at a cost and that cost was often paid alone
In school her voice became something she monitored carefully she loved learning loved understanding complex ideas loved the satisfaction of being right but adolescence taught her that intelligence in a girl required apology when she answered confidently boys laughed girls rolled their eyes teachers praised her while subtly advising humility she learned to soften her tone to preface answers with uncertainty to shrink her certainty so others could feel comfortable she understood then that brilliance was tolerated only when it did not challenge hierarchy
She noticed how boys were allowed to be loud opinionated and imperfect how mistakes were considered growth for them but flaws were permanent marks against her every error felt final every misstep magnified she became meticulous careful to the point of exhaustion because perfection felt like the only acceptable state yet perfection was never enough because the goalposts moved constantly
At home silence was praised as maturity when she endured without complaint she was called strong when she swallowed pain and considerate when she sacrificed comfort strength became synonymous with suffering and she wore that label proudly at first because it was the only form of validation available to her she did not yet realize that this strength was slowly hollowing her out
Her mother's warnings increased as her body continued to change they were well intentioned layered with fear sharpened by experience do not trust men do not be out late do not draw attention do not argue do not provoke the world was presented as something predatory and she as something vulnerable and though no one said it aloud she understood that if harm came it would be examined through the lens of her behavior what she wore where she went how she spoke caution became a burden she carried constantly
Health classes avoided honesty they spoke of danger disease and consequence but never agency never consent never pleasure her body was described as a site of risk something that needed guarding something that could betray her if she was careless she learned to associate curiosity with shame desire with guilt and ignorance with safety she was taught how to say no but not how to say yes without fear
Friendships deepened and fractured under invisible pressure girls navigated competition without rules kindness became conditional comparison constant she watched how beauty elevated some and erased others how attention distorted relationships how insecurity shaped cruelty she wanted closeness but closeness required vulnerability and vulnerability felt dangerous she learned to keep secrets even from friends to present edited versions of herself that would not threaten or invite judgment
There were moments when words pressed against her chest begging to be released moments when injustice felt unbearable when anger burned hot and sharp but she learned to swallow it because anger in girls was dangerous it made them undesirable difficult ungrateful she learned to translate anger into quiet endurance to turn frustration inward until it became self blame she questioned herself constantly wondering if she was too sensitive too dramatic too much
Her dreams began to feel indulgent unrealistic almost embarrassing she dreamed of independence of recognition of impact but every time she voiced ambition it was met with indulgent smiles or gentle redirection people spoke of marriage stability sacrifice they spoke as if her future was already negotiated and her role predetermined she learned to adjust her dreams to appear reasonable to make them smaller quieter less threatening she folded them carefully and hid them away
The first time she tried to explain discomfort she was dismissed told she was imagining things told she was misinterpreting intent told she should be grateful for attention she learned then that her perception could be questioned that her instincts could be invalidated that her feelings required external approval to be legitimate she began doubting herself even when fear screamed loudly inside her
After that she stopped explaining she learned that naming discomfort invited debate and denial silence required less energy silence protected her from disbelief she began enduring quietly carrying experiences that had no language because language had failed her she learned that many truths women carried would never be validated and that survival often depended on not seeking validation at all
Her body remained a constant source of negotiation she dressed strategically choosing clothes that minimized attention while meeting expectations modest but not dull attractive but not provocative she learned that whatever she wore could be used against her and so she dressed defensively her movements became careful her posture contained she took up less space instinctively shrinking herself in public settings
Sleep became restless her mind replayed interactions conversations glances moments she wondered if she had done something wrong if she had misjudged if she had been careless hypervigilance followed her into dreams leaving her tired before the day even began adolescence trained her to be alert at all times scanning for threat reading subtext preparing for harm she did not yet understand that this constant state of defense would shape her nervous system permanently
She observed how society rewarded silence how compliant girls were praised and rebellious ones punished she saw how suffering was romanticized as virtue how sacrifice was framed as love how endurance was celebrated without questioning why endurance was necessary she absorbed these lessons until they felt natural until she stopped imagining alternatives
Sometimes she wondered what it would feel like to speak freely to express anger without consequence to desire without shame to exist without calculation these thoughts frightened her because freedom felt dangerous unfamiliar and forbidden she pushed them away telling herself this was simply how the world worked
Her adolescence was not marked by a single traumatic event but by accumulation countless small moments that taught her to disappear gradually to mute her instincts to distrust her voice the damage was subtle but profound like water wearing down stone she did not break she eroded
By the end of this phase she had become fluent in silence she knew when to speak and when to withhold when to smile and when to endure when to comply and when to retreat this fluency kept her safe but it also kept her small she did not yet recognize the cost only that silence had become her native language
This was the education she received not one she chose but one she mastered because survival demanded it adolescence did not ask who she wanted to be it told her who she was allowed to become and she listened because disobedience felt too dangerous to attempt