Chapter 4:
Adolescence taught her many lessons but none as persistent as the lesson that her body was no longer just a vessel for her life it had become the subject of attention commentary expectation and control she did not wake up one morning and decide to feel betrayed by it that feeling grew slowly shaped by glances whispers jokes and warnings until it settled into her bones and refused to leave
Her body changed in ways she could not predict and did not fully understand each change was met with reaction before understanding curves were noticed before they were explained blood arrived with fear and secrecy weight shifted and suddenly strangers felt entitled to opinions she had not asked for relatives commented openly classmates stared teachers adjusted their tone and she felt exposed even when fully covered she learned quickly that her body now spoke for her whether she wanted it to or not
She began to experience the strange dissonance of living inside something that attracted attention she did not seek her body announced her presence before she could speak and with that announcement came judgment she felt as though she was being watched constantly evaluated from angles she could not see mirrors became sources of anxiety because they reflected not just her appearance but the expectations attached to it she began avoiding them when possible because recognition felt overwhelming
Clothing became a strategy rather than an expression she learned to dress defensively choosing garments that would not draw attention while still meeting social expectations modest but not frumpy attractive but not provocative every choice felt like a negotiation because no option was truly safe whatever she wore could be interpreted twisted used against her she learned to anticipate criticism and adjust accordingly even though adjustment never guaranteed protection
The first time someone commented on her body with desire rather than observation she felt a confusion that quickly hardened into discomfort she did not yet have language for what she felt only that something had crossed an invisible boundary she had not known existed her body reacted before her mind could respond tension tightening her chest nausea rising shame settling in she wondered if she had done something to invite that attention and hated herself for wondering
Shame attached itself easily to her physicality she learned to associate visibility with risk and attention with danger she became hyperaware of how she moved how she sat how she stood she crossed her arms instinctively folded into herself minimized her presence to avoid notice she learned that occupying space came with consequence and so she learned to take up less of it
Adults reinforced this unintentionally through constant monitoring comments about posture about clothing about propriety they spoke as if her body was something that needed supervision something that could cause trouble if left unchecked their concern carried fear and their fear taught her that her body was a liability something she needed to manage carefully to avoid harm this framing made it difficult for her to feel comfortable in her own skin
Health education did little to alleviate this discomfort discussions about bodies focused on risk and reproduction rather than agency and understanding she learned about what could go wrong what needed to be prevented but not about ownership or consent her body was presented as a problem to be solved rather than a part of her to be respected this approach deepened the divide she felt between herself and her physical form
She began dissociating from her body during moments of discomfort retreating inward to escape the sensation of being observed this coping mechanism helped her endure but it also disconnected her from physical awareness she learned to ignore signals of discomfort until they became impossible to dismiss a skill that would later cost her because ignoring the body is not the same as protecting it
Peer interactions amplified these feelings girls compared themselves constantly bodies ranked discussed scrutinized beauty became currency and insecurity spread quietly she watched how attention elevated some and diminished others how bodies could grant power or erase it she felt caught between wanting to disappear and wanting to be valued a contradiction that left her constantly dissatisfied with herself
She noticed how boys spoke about girls openly reducing them to parts to measurements to categories this language unsettled her because it stripped humanity from physicality and she wondered if that was how she was seen pieces rather than a whole person this awareness made her self conscious in ways she could not articulate she began viewing herself through an external lens evaluating her body as others might rather than experiencing it as her own
Fear intertwined with physicality inseparably she learned that her body could attract harm without intention without consent and that no amount of caution guaranteed safety this knowledge made her resentful of her own form as though it had betrayed her by existing in a way that drew danger she wished at times she could step outside it become invisible unremarkable safe
Sleep became another battleground discomfort followed her into dreams where her body felt heavy exposed vulnerable she woke often with a sense of unease unable to pinpoint its source the constant vigilance drained her leaving her tired before the day even began she did not yet understand that living in a state of physical self monitoring was exhausting because it was all she had ever known
Despite this tension there were brief moments when she felt connected to her body when movement felt freeing when laughter came without restraint when she forgot to calculate how she looked these moments were fleeting but powerful reminders that her body was not inherently the enemy the world's response to it was yet those moments were quickly overshadowed by caution because freedom felt dangerous
She internalized the idea that safety required sacrifice that comfort required compromise that autonomy came with risk she learned to prioritize others comfort over her own boundaries because resistance felt more threatening than compliance this pattern would follow her long beyond adolescence shaping her relationships and self perception in ways she could not yet foresee
Sometimes she wondered how things might have been different if her body had been treated as neutral as hers if curiosity had been met with education rather than shame if attention had been guided by respect rather than entitlement she mourned that imagined possibility quietly because it felt unreachable
By the end of this stage of adolescence her relationship with her body was strained marked by distrust and vigilance she carried herself carefully always aware always guarded she survived by managing herself meticulously but survival came at the cost of ease and joy she did not yet know how to reclaim
This was how the betrayal felt not because her body had failed her but because the world had taught her to see it as a threat and she had believed it because belief felt safer than rebellion