It's hard to handle. All the affection and all the thinking. I want to see the world through his eyes. In my world that I live in, love is not possible for me. If I don't try, I won't know how far I can go. But I'm not willing to go to any lengths.
I just want everything to come crashing down, and at the same time I want him to be there when it comes crashing down and tell me once again that he loves me. I know that I love him, but I can't let myself believe that.
"Adah, what are you thinking so hard about?" Bae looks at me curiously.
"I'm thinking about Joel," I answer swiftly.
"How can you think about him while we are shopping?"
"I don't know. It just seems that maybe I like him a bit."
"A bit, Adah? You mean a lot. I'd be surprised if you weren't in love with him at this point. Have you told him that you like him?"
"No, I haven't. After what happened in school, I just can't. It still feels a bit awkward at times."
"You know it wasn't your or his fault, so why still feel guilty about it?"
"Because I feel like I owe him an apology and at the same time I feel like I don't…"
"Adah, this is what I mean when I say communication is key. If you'd tell him this maybe he'd understand."
"Yeah, and when will that be?"
"Now."
"What? Now? He isn't even here. How would I tell him…"
That annoying feeling is back yet again. That feeling that makes me forget all my worries. The feeling when I can be comfortable and be myself around others. Not just my family and a select few. His movements bring a sense of familiarity only I know. And those movements seem to rub off on his surroundings. It's not just his surroundings that shine—it's him.
"Found anything nice?" He looks at me straight in my eyes.
"No, I haven't. I don't think I'll find anything here for myself." I put the clothes I'm holding back on the clothing rack.
"Yes, you have. That black dress will suit you well. The neckline's clean, and your collarbone—"
"You think the dress will suit me?"
"Yeah, you're beautiful, so I am sure you will look absolutely gorgeous in it."
"You sure know how to make a pitch."
"This is not a pitch, Adah. From the top of your head to the sole of your feet, every inch of you is beautiful. The way the dress will sit on your body, how it'll flatter your curves, is something only you can show."
I can't help but smile when he speaks.
"That smile… what's it about? Did I say it right?" His eyes look full of determination.
"Yeah, you did. Thanks. And for the record, your mother was right; you do have an eye for dresses." I laugh as I walk toward Bae.
"Wait, my mom told you that? When?"
"Bae, I think I have one out of two dresses sorted out now."
"Adah, when did my mom tell you that?"
"That's a secret," I answer, smiling broadly.
Bae quickly intervenes.
"Yep, as she said, Joel, it's a secret. We're heading to other shops. I'll call you when we're done."
"You heard the lady, let's go." David pushes Joel, who is reluctant, out of the store.
"Adah, call me when you're done!" He leaves with a final word before David fully pushes him out.
Bae and I keep shopping—dresses, heels. Snow crunches under our boots as we walk, and my thoughts start drifting again.
"So—what more do you have to worry about? He instantly lifted your mood, made you smile and laugh. You don't need to worry about anything, that's what a partner is for."
"Yeah—maybe you're right. I don't need to worry anymore, but I still do. If it was that easy, I would've stopped a long time ago. Bae—I can't sort my own feelings out. How am I supposed to love someone else on top of that?
She looks at me for a long moment.
"That was the first time you've said that out loud. You know that was the first time you were vocal about yourself with me?"
"Really?"
"Yes. Even if you just said a few words, it's a step forward. Those few words may have taken you a while, but it shows your determination to change and be a better person. Not only for others but most importantly yourself. And you've come to realize that you are important. You can't love someone if you don't love yourself."
"Thank you for waiting for me—I suppose."
"You're welcome, bestie. I'm going to call my mom now; you can start walking to the cafe we saw on our way here. I'll stay here under the gazebo, ok?"
"Alright, try not to stay out for too long. I'll be waiting."
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning deeply and slowly. This small village feels like a vast ocean. A vast ocean full of people who see the world from a different point of view. People with their own daily dose of troubles. A place heavy on emotions. The heaviest one is love. It runs deep through everyone. The lineman who fixes the streetlight just smiled. People run up to him and call his name.
This is a world unfamiliar to me. This small community is full of love. Someone doing their job is treated as a hero. Everyone knows one another. Everyone celebrates no matter the feat. You do your job, they smile and give you thanks. You buy from them, and they tell you their life story, even if you may not know them. This place is welcoming. So warm. I've never felt this kindness from strangers before.
Is this what he wanted me to feel?
The feeling of belonging somewhere. A place so genuine that your burdens feel so small. Where does all this love come from? Their love feels too warm and joyful to be true. All my worries melt. If this is the place he grew up in, I can see why he is so kind. There is no room for tears, no room for doubts. If I just embraced all of this, would my tears stop flowing at midnight? A change can never be fast; it takes time, and I'm afraid I'll ruin it. I'm afraid I'll forget myself.
I walk toward the small cafe. The skies start to darken, and the street lights illuminate the village.
"Did you wait here for long?" A pair of kind eyes meet mine across the room.
"Didn't you go back to the chalet with David?"
"Yes I did. We went back, and he said that he was going to wait for Bae there; it seemed she was about to catch a cold, so she went back to the chalet."
"Who sent her back? You couldn't have let her go back alone?"
"No—David also left the house to walk her back."
"Ah, ok good. Why are you here?"
"To be with you, Adah."
"Why? We can just go back now. It's no point if Bae went back and…"
He grabs my hand, not in an intrusive way. In a soft, gentle way, and his eyes more so. He looks at me unwavering.
"Joel, did you want to talk about something?"
"Mmm, yes."
"What's with the shy act?"
"I'm not acting shy; I'm thinking about how I'm supposed to tell you. I meant to tell you something before I left the shop with David."
"And what's that?"
"I'd like to take you out on a date."
"Me?"
"Yes. You. There is no one else I would rather be with."
My chest tightens. I've imagined this moment—still didn't believe it would happen.
"I want to hear your answer; it does not have to be today. Don't feel pressured. I just want to know how you feel, so take your time and think…"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Joel, my answer is yes to your date."
"Really!"
"Yes, if I don't take this chance… I don't know when I will?
He smiles, wide and real.
It's deep yet warm—
But ripples aren't waves.
I have no love for me.
So love me.
I want you to hold me.
But love me from a distance.
I'll cry myself to sleep thinking.
Help me open my heart—
I'm drowning.
So hurry, be my elation,
so I don't forget.