It's six days until Christmas. Yet it still feels like a dream. A lovely dream. Just as sweet as the chocolate he put in my mouth. Something more needs to happen. I want to relive the feeling from the date we had the day before—the stirring emotions of love, kindness, and belonging.
I'm not just captivated by his actions and words anymore; for some reason, he looks more handsome than usual. Both the inside and the outside are important when looking for your other half. I've only been paying attention to how he is on the inside. That beauty was enough for me.
Nothing is better than you. I can't get enough. The way he pouts when he's annoyed or dissatisfied makes his dimples shine. It's even more radiant when he smiles. The way he smiles makes me feel like I'm on a cloud. His long fingers and strong hands give him a different feel. There are things I've been uncertain of, but this I'm sure of. I love you, and I'll boldly show you.
"Adah, I forgot to tell you that we're having a family dinner today." Bae and David are out together; what they're doing is a mystery.
"It's okay, but what am I supposed to do?" He looks at me as if I've just said the most outrageous thing. "You're joining us, of course. Uhm—I also wanted to ask if you want to go out with me tomorrow. After church, of course."
"Sure. What are we going to do?"
A nervous smile rests on his face.
"Uhm, I wanted to go shopping." There's a subtle pause."Are you shopping for clothes for the Christmas Eve ball, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day?"
He nods slightly. "What type of look are you going for?" A bright smile appears on his face. "Something to match with you. Any black suit will do, and I want you to pick out my—"
"What do you mean any black suit will do!"
I stand up hastily. The doughnut I'm holding falls to the floor. "I'll choose all of your suits then—shirts, ties, cuff links, and shoes if needed. Maybe I'll even match your cuff links to my earrings," I murmur.
"You will," he says teasingly. "Even my tie and cuff links?"
"Yes." I step backward. He moves closer—close enough that I lose my balance and fall onto the bean bag. He stoops lower, face to face, his upper body leaning over mine. I grip the carpet as his breath brushes my skin.
"Can I get closer?" he asks. My gaze doesn't waver. "Why? Do I have something on my face?"
He smiles as he wipes icing from the corner of my mouth. It's soft. Real. "Joel, are you tired?"He turns his face slightly away, but I reach out and guide it back. "Nothing about me ever escapes your gaze, Adah."
"What—when have I ever—"He chuckles.
"Your eyes tell a story. Eyes that see through me. Eyes that notice everything that worries me."
"Then let's talk about it." I pat my lap. "Put your head here." I take a pillow from his bed and place it on my lap. His hesitation isn't fear—it's restraint. He settles down, fingers gently twirling my hair."Are these braids called French curls?"
"Yes."
"They're beautiful. The red suits you."
I look away. "What's troubling you?" I ask. "Is it school? What happens when we go back? If it's about before, I wasn't angry at you. I was frustrated at Jake—"
"So something did happen," he says quietly. "He bothered you again."
I scoff. "How could I tell you?" My voice cracks.
"How could you not?" His voice is gentle. "You know I'm here."
"Stop smiling," I whisper. "Stop forcing yourself."
"I'm not forcing myself."
"You are," I say softly. "Since Paris."
His fingers still. "How can you keep thinking about me," I continue, "when something like that happened to you?"
"I smile because of you," he answers. "And because you see me."
He cups my cheek. "In Paris… it wasn't one moment," I say quietly. "People were watching. Whispering. Laughing. There were other girls in the room, but I was the one they talked about. A door that should've been closed wasn't, and I just stood there."
He takes a slow breath, holding my gaze.
"I've found my strength through God—and through the people I love. You can lean on me, Adah. I'll always be here for you." I take a bite of the éclair beside me. "Then why do you still look like that sometimes?"
"What look?"
"When I was talking to Jake. You looked furious. Like everything stopped."
"He said something about you."
"Joel, you punched him."
"He made it sound like I wanted you for your body," he says flatly. "Like I was no different from him. Like you were something to be passed around in rumors. You know I won't lay a hand on you until we're wed." Silence settles between us.
"You're bigger, but I can stand up for myself too," I say firmly.
His hands cup my face. "Did he do more than talk?"
"I thought you knew. Jake and Luke said that's why you didn't like me."
He grimaces.
"They said I wasn't much to look at. Too scrawny. Too Black."
"Adah."
"I'm not forcing myself," I say steadily. "They didn't see everything. I was covered."
"Harassment is still harassment," he says, his voice trembling. "Clothes don't change that."
Tears fall before I realize they're mine. He pulls me into his chest.
"I love you," he whispers. "You don't have to be strong here. I'll hold you until you feel strong enough. You're my delight."
We stay like that.
Action needs to be made.
You see all.
Let's do it all together,
with a bright smile.
You're my sunshine.
You make me smile.
A happy story does not
always end in a tragedy.
Don't obligate—listen to yourself.
You're precious,
my beloved.
Your embrace is like the sun:
never-ending and full of hope.