"Hey guys. It's Deadpool."
Before we begin, I have a couple of requests. Turn up Salt-N-Pepa – "Shoop" right now. I'm sure it'll be a hit. There are a couple more tracks in line, so keep "The Pipe" ready!
"Commander of the Special Corps, what is 'The Pipe'?"
"That's not for you. That's for them."
Deadpool, thanks to his battlefield exploits, became Nero's favorite and was granted a specially created position – Commander of the Special Corps. Soon, he was allowed to assemble his own legion, and Nero promised any support. And so, five legionaries appeared before him.
"Hey, you with the shield! Take another one. From today, you are Captain Roma."
Deadpool pointed at a burly man who effortlessly held a heavy shield.
"You'll put on more armor and become Legion-man."
The legionary in full plate armor (completely out of era) froze warily.
"You'll take a hammer instead of a sword. And a cape. You're blonde, right? Got a beard? You'll be Loki."
The long-haired, bearded, and fierce-looking warrior wasn't actually blonde, but Deadpool was quite satisfied with that.
"You! A mercenary? Bald… excellent, a tough look. You'll be Hulk."
"Hulk! I like the name!"
"And the speech pattern is perfect!"
In reality, this was one of the Gauls – a burly man they had considerable trouble subduing during their capture. Whether he ate something wrong or had immense strength, rumors circulated that barbarians from those parts used a "magic potion" to gain invincibility.
"Well, and you…"
"I am Peter Parkus."
"Magnificent! You'll be Peter!"
Thus, they gathered together: Captain Roma, Legion-man, Loki, Hulk, Peter, and Deadpool. The perfect team. And to maintain team style, they were all painted red. Deadpool couldn't suppress his heartfelt tremor.
"Listen up. Our task is to pulverize these fake Romans for our cute empress. And if we catch their fake emperor, we've been promised mountains of gold, slaves, and villas!"
"Ooh-ooh!"
The legionaries were inspired. Gold, estates, and slaves were their ultimate dreams.
"And as your commander, I'll probably get the post of governor. Heh-heh-heh… In any case! Now begins the most important part. Our timid step will be a great step for all of Rome!"
"Glory to Rome!"
Morale soared to the heavens. Everything was going according to Deadpool's plan… It was time to lead his legion against the Ibero-Romans.
"Let's show these upstarts where the crayfish hibernate. From now on, our legion's name is… 'Red Pool'."
"Allow me…"
At the most dramatic moment, Captain Roma raised his hand.
"Why exactly 'Red Pool'? You're Deadpool…"
"Shut up, Malfoy."
Malfoy… that is, Captain Roma, immediately bit his tongue.
"Phew. Where was I? Damn it… You ruined the whole mood, you idiot!"
Deadpool, whose triumphant moment was hopelessly spoiled, furiously knocked Captain Roma down and beat him soundly with his fists.
"You mentioned the 'Red Pool' legion, commander."
"Ah, right. Let's go! New Force X! …" (whispering) "Okay, time to change the record. Play DMX – 'X Gon' Give It To Ya'. Listen from the twenty-fifth second."
The Red Pool Legion… New Force X moved in a steady formation. They were heading straight into the inferno of battle, where the blue uniforms of Ibero-Rome and the crimson cloaks of Nero's legionaries clashed.
The whistle of pila, the clang of gladii, the roar of shields in the "tortoise" formation – the chaos of the front line stirred Deadpool's blood. Surely the Emperor of Ibero-Rome had already sensed their approach.
"They're coming! Forward!"
Deadpool leaped off the cliff, plunging into the thick of the battle.
"Aaaaaah!"
At that moment, Legion-man, weighed down by his heavy armor, couldn't cope with gravity and fell flat on the ground, turning into a bloody mess. Deadpool howled:
"Legion-man!! No! Damn blue bastards! You killed my Legion-man!"
The enemies hadn't even touched him, but Deadpool was already beside himself with rage. The other fighters, ignoring the losses, followed their commander.
"Alright. Changing the music again. Play AC/DC – Thunderstruck. Music, go!"
Deadpool and the New Force X burst into the enemy ranks with weapons at the ready. Hulk, the huge Gallic mercenary, with primal power clearly fueled by the "magic potion," scattered Romans to the sides with a single blow.
Captain Roma, armed with lightweight shields on both hands, masterfully combined defense and offense, hacking at enemies with the sharp edges.
Loki crushed enemy formations with his hammer, grabbing opponents by the scruff of their necks and slamming them into the ground.
Peter Parkus… well, he just fought like a regular soldier.
"Good, good. He should appear soon…"
At that moment, a huge boulder flew from the sky. And it was heading straight for…
"Cap! Watch out!"
"I'll block this little stone with my Romanium shield…"
Captain didn't even have time to assume a defensive stance before he was crushed flat. Less remained of him than of Legion-man after falling off a cliff.
"Cap! No! My Captain! Oh, my Captain!!" … (whispering) "Damn, gotta change the music again. You know what you need. Play 'Awaken – Theme of the Pillar Men'."
Deadpool wailed again, but then his gaze shifted to where the stone had come from. On an elevation, in a peculiar pose, stood a man in golden armor with a flowing blue cloak.
"Wow, there he is."
The Emperor of Ibero-Rome. His bloodshot eyes indicated that he was no easy opponent. And his name was Caligula.
"NE-E-E-E-RO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-N!"
He roared so loudly that the entire battlefield trembled. The thunderous voice was so powerful that the eardrums of the soldiers standing nearby burst, and they collapsed unconscious.
"Hulk's friend died! Hulk angry! Hulk smash! Aaaaaah!"
"Hey, Hulk! Wait!"
Despite Deadpool's shout, Hulk, shaking the ground, rushed at Caligula, who seemed many times smaller than him. But before his fist could reach its target…
"Aaaaaaah!"
Caligula's short hook. The blow was so monstrous that Hulk's stomach was pierced through, and his insides spilled out. Hulk collapsed on the spot, choking on blood.
"Hulk!! You bastard! Jupiter! Grant strength to a mere mortal!"
Blinded by rage, Loki invoked the protection of the thunder god, and lightning struck from the heavens. The hammer, receiving the charge, absorbed Jupiter's power and shone with a blinding light.
"Golden Hammer! Become light!"
Loki hurled the hammer at Caligula with all his might. The weapon, charged with Jupiter's electricity, reached its target, and the space should have been shaken by an explosion of unimaginable electromagnetic waves. Or rather, it should have been.
"Oh?"
But the lightning simply evaporated, like air from a leaky balloon. The hammer merely struck Caligula's body with a dull thud and fell at his feet. The Emperor immediately picked up the weapon and, with furious force, threw it back at Loki.
"Ah, no-o-o!"
An explosion rang out. Loki evaporated, leaving not even a trace: Jupiter's wrath turned not against Caligula, but against the supplicant himself.
"No! My 'Pool-vengers'! They killed everyone!! I won't forgive you for this!!"
"Uh, Commander? I'm still here…"
Peter Parkers, who had been participating in the brawl all this time, raised his hand.
Deadpool, whose face was dripping with rage, turned to him:
"And you, just go home."
"Yes."
Parker left the battlefield without a word. Yes, even if you survive. Peter… you are our only hope. Like a mother seeing off her son, Deadpool pulled out a handkerchief from somewhere, waved it after him, and blew his nose loudly.
"Nee-e-e-ro-o-o…"
Caligula was already standing right in front of him.
"Bastard. You killed my comrades. Take this!"
Deadpool unleashed a hail of blows on the enemy, but they were pathetic. With his power level, he couldn't even scratch Caligula. After landing two dozen blows and exhausting himself, Deadpool raised his head, looking at the emperor towering over him.
"U-a-a-a-a-a!"
With this roar, Caligula's fist caved in Deadpool's stomach. One, two, three. Hundreds of blows rained down on the mercenary's torso. It resembled hanging a pig carcass in a bag and beating it with sticks to tenderize the meat.
"Nee-e-e-e-ro-o-o-o-o!"
The final uppercut. The blow was so powerful that Deadpool flew sideways, spewing blood. Caligula froze, confident of victory. However, thanks to his healing factor, Deadpool immediately recovered. He got back on his feet with a dislocated jaw and a completely absurd face.
"You're strong, you bastard. Alright. So, a speed contest of blows?" he whispered. "One second, I'll turn on the censorship."
Deadpool frantically rummaged in his pants and pulled out a black plaque with the inscription "CENSORSHIP," covering his face with it.
"The time limit is about eight seconds, I think… Kha-arg!"
His face was covered in blood, he cleared his throat.
"Ah, ah… Ah? U-a-a-a!"
The tone of his voice changed. His pronunciation changed too. Even his nationality seemed to have changed.
"WRYYYYYYYY!!"
Deadpool's body contorted strangely, and he let out a cry unlike anything else.
"One second has passed!"
Consumed by madness, Deadpool, whose voice now sounded completely different, rushed at Caligula.
The Emperor instinctively put up a block, but under the monstrous force, his legs sank into the ground. And then the hail of blows began.
"Neroneroneronenero!"
"Mudamudamudamuda!"
Deadpool countered blow for blow. Fists collided in a frenzied rhythm, creating a wall of steel and flesh.
"Two seconds have passed!"
"U-a-a-a-a-a!"
Caligula delivered a kick. Deadpool managed to cover himself with his hands, but the inertia was such that he was thrown back.
"Three seconds have passed!"
His broken arms healed instantly.
"Four seconds have passed!"
The distance closed again. Caligula and Deadpool froze in their stances and simultaneously threw their fists.
"Neroneroneroneroneroneroneroneroneronero!"
"Deddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddadd!"
Thousands of blows per second. One of them grazed Caligula's cheek, drawing blood, followed by hits to the torso and legs.
"Five seconds have passed! WRYYYYYYYY!"
With three final blows, Deadpool knocked Caligula off his feet. But he was still in the fight. A decisive, fatal move was needed.
Deadpool suddenly disappeared. Caligula spun his head, trying to find the enemy, but he was nowhere to be seen. At that moment, a cry came from above:
"Six seconds have passed!"
Caligula raised his head, assuming a defensive stance. But Deadpool was already flying down, accelerated by gravity, with something huge in his hands.
"It's a Roman column!"
A deafening roar erupted, as if two clouds had collided. Caligula began to pound the column with his fists to avoid being crushed.
"Neroneroneroneroneronero!"
"It's too late! You can't escape!"
Deadpool, unwilling to yield, also rained a series of blows down on the column from above.
"Deddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddaddadd!"
The solid marble cracked and deformed under the double impact, taking on a grotesque shape. But the outcome was predetermined.
"Seven seconds have passed! WRYYYYYYYY! Flattened!"
Deadpool's final blow. Caligula, unable to withstand the pressure, was finally crushed by the column.
"Eight seconds have passed. Kha! Kha!"
The voice of Deadpool returned to normal. He looked at the enemy's hand sticking out from under the column, which soon began to crumble into sparks of light. When the opponent finally disappeared, he let out a triumphant cry:
"Vri-i-i-i-i-i-i! Ah, alright, you can turn off the music."
◁To be continued IV.
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: Granulan