Act II – The Eternal Mad Empire: Septem.
Void space.
No, not quite. This place resembled an endless lake. A boundless expanse of water, neither deep nor shallow.
"Hmm?"
Deadpool lay there, his broken limbs splayed out… and thinking.
The last thing he remembered: as his utterly crushed brain tried to regenerate, his psyche completely broke, and he started throwing techniques from Japanese manga, trying to find something in the heat of battle. By the way, who was he fighting?
"Arise, my son."
Deadpool jumped up at the thunderous voice, cranked up to five hundred percent echo. It was like being in a karaoke bar – his eardrums itched from the vibration.
"Hey, sorry, but turn down the volume on GoldWave! My head's gonna split!" he shouted into the void, but there was no answer.
Soon, someone appeared behind him. Lady of the Lake? Goddess of Lancelot? Guinevere? Who the hell knows. Deadpool turned around.
"Oh… Father?"
His parent stood before him. "Deadpool in a cape, one-eyed and bearded." Deadpool-Father, dramatically swirling his cape, landed on the mirror-like surface of the lake.
"My son. On the day you were born, the very forests of Lordaeron whispered your name…"
"What?"
"Ah, oops, wrong universe…"
Bearded Deadpool cleared his throat and this time let out a bass at two hundred fifty percent echo that made the air tremble:
"I am your father!"
"Are you serious?"
"Pah, wrong setting again. One second."
He cleared his throat again and finally spoke normally:
"You have not yet awakened your true power. Open your eyes, and then you will be able to defeat that guy who's cosplaying as the Hokage with his wood techniques."
"Dad, but he's incredibly strong! Trees just keep coming out of him! Just like in the Greenpeace commercial, 'let's make the world greener.' Green?! Oh god, what a terrible word…!"
Deadpool fell into despair.
Now he understood why he couldn't win. Green. In his world, it was poison, sin, and a color that must be erased from the face of the earth.
"You can do it. You just need to see. Right now, you are not 'Deadpool' in full," Deadpool-Father said humbly.
Deadpool collapsed to his knees and, with a tearful look, clasped his hands in supplication:
"But I've exhausted all my stupid jokes! I'm like an author who's run out of ideas and is secretly dragging out a chapter!"
The father in the cape merely chuckled at his moans.
"Are you really Deadpool, the god of stupid jokes?"
Deadpool tilted his head in confusion. Well, yes, who else could babble incessantly, drive people crazy, and crack puns like him? Besides, only he could twist the "Fourth Wall" and make jokes against all logic. The Fourth Wall… an invisible barrier…
"I… I…"
"Don't forget who you are. You must become the true Deadpool. Remember… remember who you are…"
Bearded Deadpool began to slowly move away.
As if on invisible strings, he was being pulled behind the scenes of the stage. Despite the complete absence of wind, his cape fluttered dramatically, as if he were Superman himself – Clark Kent and Kal-El in one.
"Oh god! How many references and gags flew by in this moment?" He was amazed.
He needed to find his true self in the chambers of his own mind.
"True Deadpool…"
Suddenly, sparks of electricity danced across his arms. Not just Deadpool, the god of jokes…
"Yes, I…"
Realization washed over him. Deadpool concentrated, feeling the current run through his veins. His eyes (hidden by the mask) flashed with white light.
"I am Pikachu."
He frowned sternly, and at that moment, a colossal lightning bolt struck from the heavens, engulfing him completely.
Amidst the ruins of the destroyed imperial palace, Romulus trampled on his corpse, crucified on the tree branches, and proclaimed the greatness of Rome.
"Truly a pity. Had you become Rome for Ro-o-ome – you would not have known the transience of existence!"
Romulus raised his spear, resembling a crimson tree, aiming at the defeated enemy's head.
"Go forth to the eyes of Pluto."
At that moment, a blinding radiance poured down on Deadpool. A heavenly revelation? The birth of a prophet? No. But the light was so bright that Romulus had to retreat. Deadpool's limbs instantly returned to normal under the flash, and he came to his senses.
"Oh, Ro-o-ome! What is this…!"
Romulus smiled in admiration, looking at Deadpool resurrected in the rays of strange light. A miracle?
"No, it's just the healing factor working. And the light?" Deadpool whispered:
"Purely for dramatic effect. I slipped a few bucks to the special effects guys, and they drew it all beautifully."
"Rome! Why do you address the void when Ro-o-ome stands before you? Rome is here!"
"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to them."
He still pointed into space.
"In short, the real fight is just beginning. I'm no longer the Deadpool I was. With every minute, I become more perfect. I am no longer the joke-telling Deadpool! I am…!"
Deadpool's body was enveloped in an electric aura. Romulus, intrigued, swung his spear, summoning treant legionaries from the surrounding trees. As hundreds of wooden soldiers charged, Deadpool roared:
"I am Deadpool-Pikachu!!" And added in a whisper:
"It's time to play 'Immigrant Song' by Led Zeppelin. It's gonna be awesome!"
Deadpool rushed forward, performing a couple of somersaults in the air in a Superman pose. The legionaries who tried to intercept him were instantly incinerated by the electric discharges. Landing on one knee, he swept his arm wide – an arc of electricity mowed down the next wave of enemies. Then he dramatically froze in a "Bigfoot" pose. Two soldiers plunged swords into his back, but he didn't even flinch, just tensed, letting a deadly charge pass through them.
"I come from the land of maple leaves and beavers!"
He extended his arms to the sides, and powerful streams of energy pierced through the soldiers, simultaneously igniting the supporting trees on both sides of the palace.
"From the land of hockey wars and bear fury!"
A spear flew at him. He simply held out his hand, letting the shaft pierce his palm, and then forcefully threw it back. The electrically charged projectile exploded among the enemies, incinerating legions of legionaries.
"The thunder of the gods will guide me to new lands in my wanderings!"
Drawing swords from behind his back, he charged them with electricity and began to gleefully hack at the treants. Arms, legs, eggs, eyes – he minced their insides as if whipping a cocktail in a blender. With one precise strike, he cut an enemy in half, turning them into a handful of ash.
"Fight like a beast, and let fire and lightning resound the world with their cry!"
Crossing his blades, he accumulated a critical charge. When the swords plunged into the ground, the palace foundation shuddered. Lightning struck in all directions, vaporizing hundreds of opponents at once.
"Oh, Sovngarde! I'm coming for you! Oops, mixed up the universes again…"
Romulus's army was destroyed in the blink of an eye. However, the emperor himself, unable to contain his battle fervor, merely smiled madly and twirled his spear.
"Yes! This is it – Rome, recognized by Ro-o-ome itself! Crimson Rome! Never before has Rome had such a worthy opponent! This Ro-o-ome rejoices, knowing no fear of the heavens!"
Romulus charged. As his spear, branching like a crown, lunged forward, Deadpool put away his swords and concentrated all his energy into his fist.
"Like 'Shoryuken' from Street Fighter!"
The blow landed precisely on his jaw.
At that very moment, Deadpool grabbed Romulus, passing through him a charge of monstrous power, unprecedented.
"One hundred thousand volts!"
The entire palace was submerged in a sea of electricity and crumbled to dust. The colossal trees holding up the vaults instantly charred and collapsed onto the Roman ground as burning debris.
◇
"Queen! Rome is collapsing!"
More precisely, the tree towering over the city was collapsing. Boudica's Gallic resistance, having broken through the treant barriers to reach Rome, witnessed this scene firsthand.
The tree supporting the imperial palace – the pride of Rome – vanished in a blinding flash and was now crumbling down as dry dust.
"Senpai, that light just now…"
Mash called out to Ritsuka, recalling the radiant sphere that flashed brighter than the sun before the giant's fall. Ritsuka, as if she already knew the answer, nodded confidently.
"It's Wade."
Looking at the fall of the great tree, Boudica, without hiding her mad delight, urged the rebels forward to put an end to Rome's story with her own hands.
◇
Meanwhile, Deadpool, having barely defeated Romulus, emerged from the rubble. The recoil from his own blast had charred him completely, and smoke curled from his head. Burning branches from a giant tree rained down on the streets, turning the city into a veritable hell.
"Listen, isn't using this before its premiere considered a spoiler? Ah, whatever, viewers who haven't seen the movie yet – sorry for the spoilers. Although 'Hundred Thousand Volts' is shown on TV too, so it doesn't count."
Spouting nonsense into the void, Deadpool suddenly noticed something clutched in his hand. It was the Holy Grail.
"Huh? Oh! Found it! Alright, time to go home…"
"Crimson Wolf!"
The joy was short-lived. From the flames, she appeared – a woman in a scarlet dress, Emperor Nero Claudius. She twirled amidst the burning Rome in a mad dance, like a falling rose petal.
"Oh, my wolf! You protected our Rome! Magnificent!"
"Ah, Nero-chan. There was a small accident while you were gone, but if we patch it up with concrete, it'll be good as new."
Deadpool gave an awkward chuckle and walked towards her. Seeing the Grail in his hand, she beamed.
"So this is the Holy Grail? Crimson Wolf, won't you give it to me?"
"Why in the world would I?"
His tone changed instantly.
It was understandable: the objective was achieved, the Grail found, and there was no longer any need to feign loyalty. All that remained was to wait for Romani to initiate the leishift for quantum transfer.
"You belong to me. And that means your belongings belong to me too! Hand it over, quickly!"
"From this moment on, I'm no longer your friend."
Nero merely laughed in response to Deadpool's coldness. Soon, her laughter turned into the mad cackle of a person who had lost their mind. She swung her sword.
"Oh god, here we go again."
Deadpool's arm flew off to the side, and the Grail ended up in the empress's hands.
"With this… with this…! I can ignite the true flame of my art! Awaken my hidden talent! Grail! Burn this boring old Rome! My Rome! The Rome of absolute art! The Roman Empire…!"
Nero raised her hands to the sky, shouting her wish, but at that moment, a blade, appearing from nowhere, plunged into her throat. She choked on blood, and the Grail fell from her weakening hands.
***
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