The morning air in Z-City was usually filled with the sound of exploding monsters and property damage. But today, Saitama—the One Punch Man—had a much bigger problem.
"No... it can't be," Saitama whispered, his bald head glistening with a cold sweat. He was staring at a flyer pinned to a telephone pole. "The Saturday Cabbage Sale... was yesterday?"
The world seemed to turn grey. Rain fell from a cloudless sky just to emphasize his despair. But before he could fall to his knees, a rift in space-time opened up right beneath his grocery bag.
"Oh, come on!" Saitama yelled as he was sucked into a swirling vortex of neon colors and Japanese subtitles.
The Arrival
Saitama landed face-first on a polished wooden floor. When he looked up, he wasn't in Z-City anymore. He was in a massive, high-tech classroom.
At the front of the room, a teenager with messy hair and a very expensive-looking notebook was staring at him. Next to him sat a small, pink-haired girl clutching a stuffed chimera.
"Name?" the teenager asked, holding a pen over his notebook. His eyes were dark and intense.
"Saitama. I'm a hero for fun. Who are you? Do you know where the supermarket is?"
"I am Light Yagami," the teen said, his voice dripping with dramatic irony. "And this is the Entrance Exam for the UA High School for Gifted Shinigami and Pirates. Also, that little girl is Anya Forger. She's been staring at your head for three minutes."
Anya widened her eyes, her telepathy hitting Saitama's brain like a car hitting a brick wall. 'Waku waku!' she thought. 'His mind... it's so quiet. It's just... one long looped video of a discount steak. This man is a god.'
"Anyway," Light continued, "to pass the exam, you must defeat that student over there in a battle of wits and physical prowess."
Light pointed to the back of the room. Sitting there, posing with a golden aura and an amount of muscles that defied the laws of biology, was Dio Brando.
"WRYYYYYYYY!" Dio hissed, pointing a finger at Saitama. "You think your shiny scalp can match the power of my Stand, [THE WORLD]? I have stopped time just to move you down one flight of stairs because I'm petty like that!"
The "Battle"
"Look, I don't care about your 'World' or your 'Stands,'" Saitama said, picking his ear. "I just want to know if there's a grocery store nearby. I missed the cabbage sale and I'm very emotionally fragile right now."
"HOW DARE YOU!" Dio roared. "THE WORLD! TOMARE TOKI YO!"
Time froze. The dust in the air stopped. Light Yagami's pen stopped mid-stroke. Anya's peanut fell halfway to her mouth. Everything was grey and silent.
Dio sauntered over to Saitama, chuckling. "Now, I shall relocate you to the middle of a busy intersection in London for no reason other than it would be mildly confusing!"
Dio grabbed Saitama's yellow jumpsuit to move him. He pulled.
Saitama didn't move.
Dio pulled harder. He used both hands. He planted his feet. He turned into a vampire-flavored pretzel trying to budge the bald man.
"Why... won't... you... MOVE?!" Dio screamed in the frozen silence.
Suddenly, Saitama's eyes shifted. Even in stopped time, his pupils followed Dio.
"Hey," Saitama said (which should have been impossible). "Are you the guy who's been moving my stuff? I'm trying to focus on my grief."
Dio's heart—which hadn't beaten in 100 years—suddenly skipped a beat. "You... you can talk in the frozen time? That's cheating! That's a plot hole!"
The Conclusion (of Chapter 1)
Time resumed with a violent snap.
Dio was sent flying through three walls and a portrait of the school's principal (who was just Tanjiro Kamado wearing a suit and looking very concerned).
"He's too strong!" Light Yagami yelled, frantically writing 'Bald Man with Grocery Bag' in his Death Note. "Why isn't it working?! Why is his name not 'Saitama'? Is his name actually 'Cape Baldy'?!"
"I told you," Saitama sighed, walking toward the exit. "I'm just a hero for fun. But if I don't find some cheap produce in the next ten minutes, I'm going to lose my mind."
Just then, the ceiling collapsed. A massive, spiky-haired man in an orange jumpsuit crashed through the roof, holding a bag of Senzu beans.
"Hey!" Goku shouted, grinning. "I heard there was someone here with a high power level! Also, does anyone have any snacks? I'm starving!"
Anya looked at Goku, then at Saitama, then at Light's smoking notebook.
"Liar," Anya whispered, pointing at the narrator (me). "This isn't a school. This is a fever dream."