So, I poked the bear again. Or the puppy. Whatever.
I couldn't stop thinking about Maya. It wasn't even about her anymore, it was about the fact that she was the only thing in our relationship that didn't feel like it was covered in bubble wrap.
I needed to know if he was actually "gritty" with her, or if he was just being the same boring, sweet guy to everyone.
Me: I bet you guys have actual conversations.
I knew I was being a bitch. I knew it. I was literally trying to start a fight because I was bored and frustrated and my life was a financial disaster.
James: Elara, why are we doing this again? I told you, she's just a friend. We talk about music. That's it.
Me: Yeah, sure. 'Just a friend' you hid for months. Whatever, James. Go talk to her.
I was waiting for him to snap. I wanted him to tell me I was being insane. I wanted him to say he was tired of my jealousy.
Instead, five minutes later, I got a screenshot.
It was a picture of Maya's profile. But instead of the "Follow" button, it said "Unblock."
James: There. She's blocked. On everything. Instagram, my phone. Are you happy now?
I stared at the screen and felt my stomach drop. I wasn't happy. I felt like I'd just kicked a dog for wagging its tail too hard.
Me: James, what the hell? I didn't tell you to block her.
James: But you're upset. And nothing is more important than you. If she makes you feel insecure, she's gone. I don't care about her. I only care about you.
I felt like such a loser. Like a total, absolute villain. He didn't even fight for his friend. He didn't even stand up for himself. He just deleted a human being from his life because I was being moody.
How am I supposed to leave a guy who does that?
"He blocked her?" my mom asked, looking over my shoulder while she was counting out quarters for the laundry. "See? That's a real man. He puts you first. You're so lucky, Elara. Seriously."
"Yeah," I mumbled. "Super lucky."
I went to my room and felt like crying, but I was too annoyed to even do that. The "Maya" escape hatch was gone. I'd tried to find a flaw in him, and he'd just "fixed" it by being even more devoted.
He's so genuine it's actually gross. He really thinks he's doing the right thing. He's probably sitting in his room right now feeling like a hero, thinking he's "protected" our relationship.
James: I love you so much. I'd block the whole world if you asked me to. Can we be okay now?
I looked at the text and felt the guilt, heavy and thick, like I'd swallowed a brick. I'm a "raging feminist" who just made her boyfriend ghost a girl because I was bored. I'm the "sensitive bitch" my ex said I was.
Me: We're okay, Jamie. Thanks. You're too good to me.
I lied. Again.
I sat on my bed and realized I was now more trapped than I was ten minutes ago. He'd sacrificed a friend for me. Now I owed him even more. I was drowning in his "goodness," and the block button was just another nail in the coffin of my own personality.
I wanted to find Maya and apologize. I wanted to tell her that I'm not actually a psycho, I'm just a girl who is bored out of her mind and dating a guy who doesn't know how to say no.
But I couldn't. She was blocked. And I was "good." And everything was "perfect."
Kill me now.