I know, I know. You thought we were good. I thought we were good. But the thing about being me is that I can't just have a "field of flowers." I have to go looking for the landmines buried under the grass.
It started with a Maya post. Nothing crazy, just a photo of her at a record store. But she was holding a vinyl of a niche synth artist that James had literally just talked to me about.
No tag, no mention of him. But my gut? My gut did a backflip. It wasn't about her, really. It was about the fact that James is a "Puppy," and puppies tend to wag their tails for anyone who has a treat.
So, I did it. I pulled out my old Finsta, the "fake" account I made back in 11th grade to make it look like I had friends when I was actually just sitting in my room crying. I cleaned it up, added a few blurry, "aesthetic" photos of some random girl I found on Pinterest (don't judge me), and named her "Chloe."
I followed James. Within ten minutes, he followed back.
Chloe: Hey! I just heard your new track. Your voice is actually so unique. I've been listening to it on loop all day. <3
I felt sick typing it. It was like I was mocking him, but I needed to know. I needed to know if his "Good Boy" routine was a localized phenomenon or if it was just his default setting for every girl who showed him an ounce of attention.
James: Oh wow, thank you!! That means so much. I'm always so nervous about my singing, so hearing that really makes my day. :)
The smiley face. The double exclamation points. My heart started that familiar, heavy thumping.
Chloe: Seriously, it's so raw. I feel like you're really singing from the soul. Are you a professional? You seem like the kind of guy who has a lot going on.
I was laying it on thick. It was embarrassing. It was "cringe" in its purest form. But James? James was eating it up.
James: Haha, definitely not a professional! Just a guy in his room making noise. And I don't know about having 'a lot going on,' I'm actually pretty shy. It's hard to find people who actually get the music, you know?
I stared at the screen. It's hard to find people who get the music. Are you kidding me? I just spent forty-two minutes listening to his "cat in a blender" album and told him it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I've spent months being his "biggest fan." And here he was, telling "Chloe" that nobody gets him.
Chloe: I totally get that. Sometimes the people closest to us don't really see the real artist inside. ;)
James: Honestly... yeah. That's kind of true. You're really insightful, Chloe. It's nice to talk to someone who just gets it right away.
I threw my phone across the bed.
He wasn't "cheating." He wasn't asking for nudes or telling her he loved her. But he was doing that James thing. He was being "shy" and "sweet" and letting this stranger think he was misunderstood. He was wagging his tail.
He's a democracy of kindness, remember? And I'm just another voter.
I sat there, feeling the heat crawl up my neck. I'd spent months trying to "be good" for him. I'd prayed to God to make me love him. And here he was, five minutes into a conversation with a fake girl, already acting like I was the one who didn't "understand" his art.
The "Russia" in my belly? It wasn't thawed. It was just frozen over, waiting for a crack. And I'd just found a massive one.
I picked the phone back up. Chloe had a new message to send.
Chloe: I'd love to hear more of your stuff. Maybe we could chat more? You seem different. In a good way, haha.
I waited for the bubbles. I wanted him to say, "Sorry, I have a girlfriend who is literally my soulmate." I wanted him to shut it down.
James: I'd like that. It's always nice to make a new friend who shares the vibe. :)
I felt the tears sting my eyes. It's not a betrayal, technically. But it's the loneliest feeling in the world to realize that your "special" place in someone's heart is actually just a public park with an open gate.