"Start!"
Whoosh.
Sasuke and Sakura vanished instantly, scattering into the trees like proper ninja. They knew the basics: conceal your presence, strike from the shadows.
Naruto, predictably, stood his ground, crossing his arms and glaring at Kakashi.
And me?
I walked over to the memorial stone, dusted off a spot, and sat down. I pulled a bag of chips from my inventory and popped one into my mouth. Crunch.
Kakashi, who was about to engage Naruto, paused. He lowered his orange book slightly, his dead fish eye fixing on me.
"Kenji," Kakashi said, his voice lazy but carrying an edge. "The test has started. Are you forfeiting?"
"Forfeiting?" I laughed, swallowing the chip. "No, Sensei. I'm being generous."
"Generous?"
"I'm giving these kids a chance to train," I waved my hand dismissively toward the forest where Sasuke and Sakura were hiding. "If I participate now, the test will end within a minute. And they won't even get a chance to experience the gap in power. It wouldn't be educational."
Kakashi stared at me.
This brat, Kakashi thought, his eye twitching. Is he arrogant? Delusional? Or does he actually believe that? He has no clan, no bloodline, and his academy scores were average. Yet he sits there with the confidence of a Kage.
In the bushes, Sasuke grit his teeth, his knuckles turning white as he gripped a kunai. That tail of the crane... talking big like that. Does he think he's better than an Uchiha? I'm the one who will carry this team, not a civilian pervert.
Sakura, hiding nearby, felt a literal hash mark throb on her forehead. She couldn't hold it in.
"HEY!" Sakura screamed from the bushes, blowing her cover instantly. "Who are you calling kids, you bastard?! You are the end of the tail! The dead-last! You always got the lowest scores in every assessment! Stop acting cool and help Sasuke-kun!"
"Sakura-chan is right!" Naruto shouted, though he looked conflicted. "Well, not about the dead-last part! Kenji is strong! If he says he can do it, he can do it! Believe it!"
"Maa, maa," Kakashi sighed, stepping forward. "Let's see if your skills match your mouth, Naruto."
****
I sat back and enjoyed the show. It was like watching a live-action reenactment of my favorite anime.
Naruto charged. He threw a punch. Kakashi blocked it while reading page 45. Naruto tried a kick. Kakashi dodged. Then, Kakashi stepped behind him.
"Leaf Village Secret Finger Jutsu..."
"NO!" Naruto screamed.
"One Thousand Years of Death!"
POKE.
"GYYAAAAHHH!"
Naruto launched into the lake like a torpedo.
Next came Sasuke. To his credit, he was good. Fireball Jutsu. Shuriken traps. He actually touched a bell. But in the end, Kakashi buried him up to his neck in the dirt using the Headhunter Jutsu.
Then Sakura. Poor, useless Sakura. She walked into a trap, saw a Genjutsu of Sasuke dying, and fainted with a foam-mouthed scream.
Time ticked by.
The three "geniuses" were defeated. Naruto was tied to a log (having fallen for a trap). Sasuke was a head in the ground. Sakura was unconscious.
And Kakashi still had the bells.
He looked at the clock.
"Well," Kakashi sighed, closing his book. "It seems this team is hopeless. You guys act like individuals, not a team. And frankly, your skills are lacklustre."
He turned his eye toward me.
"And you. You wasted the entire time eating chips. Time's up."
"Is it?" I stood up, wiping crumbs off my jacket.
I checked the alarm clock. Two minutes left.
"I think everyone has had their turn," I said, cracking my neck. "Now it's time for the Hero to save the day."
Sasuke, from his hole in the ground, narrowed his eyes. What is he planning? What trick does he have?
Kakashi looked unimpressed. He opened his book again. "Come at me then. But don't expect me to go easy just because you waited."
Inner Kakashi: He's just a kid. I'll block whatever Taijutsu he throws, maybe use a Substitution, and tie him up next to Naruto. Easy.
"Naruto," I called out.
Naruto, who was currently tied to the post and still rubbing his sore ass from the earlier 'Thousand Years of Death', looked up with teary eyes. "Kenji?"
"Watch closely," I said, my voice dropping to a serious, scholarly tone. "You have learned the Sexy Jutsu. But that is merely the foundation. A single flower is beautiful, but a field of flowers can overwhelm the senses."
I formed a cross seal.
"This is the next level. The pinnacle of Art."
Kakashi snorted inwardly. Sexy Jutsu? I heard from the ANBU that he taught Naruto a transformation technique. Please. I am a man grown. I have read every volume of Icha Icha. I have frequented the red-light districts of three different nations. Do you think a simple image of a naked woman will stop me? I will eat shit if I fall for something so juvenile.
I smirked.
[System Skill Activated: Multi-Shadow Clone Jutsu (A-Rank)] [Combo Skill: Transformation Mastery (MAX)] [Effect: Maximum Stimulation.]
"Ninja Art..." I whispered.
POOF. POOF. POOF. POOF.
The clearing exploded in smoke. It wasn't just a few puffs. It was a massive cloud that engulfed the entire training ground.
Kakashi paused. Shadow Clones? That many? He has this much chakra?
Then, the smoke cleared.
And Kakashi Hatake stopped breathing.
"Harem Jutsu: The Paradise of All Nations!"
Hundreds of figures stood in the clearing.
But they weren't just copies of the blonde girl Naruto used. Oh no. I had variety. I had taste.
There were sultry librarians with glasses and unbuttoned blouses. There were tanned, exotic dancers in barely-there bikinis. There were mature, motherly types in aprons that covered nothing at the back. There were shy, blushing shrine maidens. There were dominatrixes with whips.
Every fetish. Every preference. Every page of Icha Icha brought to life in 4K resolution with physics enabled.
"Kakashi-sensei~" a hundred voices purred in unison.
A voluptuous redhead in a towel stepped forward, letting the towel slip just enough. "Darling... teach me a lesson?"
A blonde in a school uniform bent over. "I've been a bad girl, Sensei."
Kakashi's visible eye widened until it threatened to rip the skin of his eyelid. His pupil dilated to the size of a dinner plate.
The sheer, overwhelming amount of Culture assaulted his brain. His "cool Jonin" mental defenses shattered like glass. The visual stimuli bypassed his logic center and hit his primal brain with the force of a Chidori.
"Ghh...!"
FOOOOSH.
A fountain of blood erupted from Kakashi's nose. It was majestic. It propelled him backward like a rocket thruster.
He didn't even try to defend himself. He just smiled a goofy, perverted smile, his eyes rolling back into his head.
THUD.
The elite Jonin, the Copy Ninja, the man mentioned in the Bingo Book of every nation, hit the grass face-first, twitching in a pool of his own blood.
Unconscious. Defeated by boobs.
****
[Meanwhile: The Hokage's Office]
Hiruzen Sarutobi sat in his chair, taking a break from paperwork to check on the new Genin teams via his telescope jutsu.
"Let's see how Kakashi is handling the new batch," Hiruzen murmured, puffing on his pipe.
The crystal ball swirled.
He saw the smoke clear.
He saw the army.
He saw the sheer diversity of the female form—the jiggle physics, the glossy skin, the motherly types that reminded him of his youth.
"Oh my..."
Hiruzen's heart skipped a beat. Then two beats.
The stimulation was too potent for a man of his advanced age. His blood pressure skyrocketed.
SPLURT.
A mouthful of blood sprayed across the crystal ball, coating it in red.
"Too... much... quality..." Hiruzen wheezed.
He clutched his chest and slumped sideways, falling out of his chair with a heavy crash.
THUMP.
The ANBU guards outside the door panicked. "Hokage-sama! Are you under attack?!"
Inside the office, the 'God' of Shinobi lay defeated, a blissful smile on his face, dreaming of paradise.