In a quick motion after hearing the roar of thunder, Colin grabbed the edges of the blanket, covering his head.
He had been in bed for quite a long time. He had lost count of how many times he tried to go back to sleep and couldn't. He reached out and groped the cold wooden shelf until he grabbed his cell phone.
His phone felt frozen, and he could barely feel his fingertips touching it.
He dragged the phone under the covers and turned it on.
The device's light blinded him suddenly, and he squinted at the time.
5:00 PM.
After a long yawn, Colin threw the covers aside and sat up in bed while rubbing his eye with the back of his right hand.
His body felt heavy, as if his bed had grown roots pulling him down. Fighting his solid will to go back to sleep, Colin rose without haste, breaking the invisible roots around his thin body.
He walked through his room, stumbling over mountains of clothes scattered across the floor along with plastic bags full of trash.
His room was so messy that a house after a hurricane passed through would seem more organized. He felt the wall, even colder than his phone, and found the switch.
His room was complete chaos. Manga and comics were scattered on the floor, along with empty packages of cookies and chips. In the background was his computer, next to several empty energy drink cans scattered across the desk.
Some cans were half full, others half empty.
To make matters worse, the smell was horrible.
His neighbors had already complained about the smell invading their kitchens, but Colin didn't care.
Nothing mattered to him anymore at that point.
Colin hesitated a bit before touching the doorknob, but soon opened the door slowly with a sharp creak and moved into the hallway that led to the kitchen.
His slow steps were muffled by his thick socks, which kept his feet from freezing.
He reached the fridge and opened it slowly.
He stood there for a few seconds admiring the inside. His eyes passed over more energy drinks, alcohol, and sweets, until he grabbed a carton of milk at the bottom.
He brought the milk carton right up to his ear and shook it.
Shrugging, he brought the carton to his mouth.
There wasn't much milk left, so Colin threw the empty carton into the trash bin near the fridge—a bin that was almost overflowing.
Colin's sloppiness attracted mosquitoes, cockroaches, and rats, but he didn't care.
His kitchen faced the living room; as soon as he turned his head, he looked at the floor by the door, and there were some letters scattered on the rug.
"Did someone write to me?" he thought, walking toward the letters with slow steps.
He didn't want to go, because deep down, he knew the answer.
Colin crouched on the rug, picking up the first piece of mail.
It was a letter from the bank regarding a significant amount of money he owed. He had taken out a loan to open a business that went bankrupt in weeks.
Shrugging, he just tossed the letter aside.
He opened another, and it was another collection notice, this time for one of the countless credit card debts he possessed.
He tossed those aside too and followed this same rhythm for a few minutes, until one letter in particular caught his attention.
[Vantrust University]
The exact moment his eyes landed on the sender, a lightning bolt crossed the skies, bringing a huge flash followed by a deafening crash.
He swallowed hard, and dozens of things passed through his head. Even though he didn't care about absolutely anything, it was different with that letter.
Colin held the letter with trembling hands, observing it for a while before allowing himself to open it.
The envelope seemed as heavy as his heart in that moment. When he finally decided, he slid his finger through the seal and tore it open with a muffled sound. The paper that came out seemed to hold the weight of the world.
With eyes fixed on the words, he began to read, almost as if hypnotized by the paper. Every sentence felt like a stab in the heart, a new blow that made his anxiety increase by the second.
His breathing became heavy, almost impossible, and he felt dizzy, as if the air was being sucked out of his lungs.
When he finished reading, his body seemed to have become heavier, as if a ton of stone had been placed on his back.
He murmured to himself, with a mixture of sadness and despair: "Rejected again, what a surprise..." before crumpling the letter in his trembling hands.
Before standing up, Colin gathered the letters into a pile and picked them up, throwing them into the kitchen trash, forcing them down with his foot.
Colin was tired of dealing with real-life frustrations, so he sought comfort in a virtual world. There, he felt stronger, more powerful, and capable of controlling his own destiny in a world where the rules were defined by him and not by others.
While he played, his mind disconnected from the real world and focused only on the thrill of the game.
He went to his room, turned off the lights, and pressed the CPU button with his big toe. He sat in his padded chair and pushed the energy drink cans aside with one hand, letting them fall all over the bedroom floor.
The blue glow of the computer screen illuminated the room.
"Right, time to relax!" he put on his headset and, as usual, logged into the online game where he wasted a good part of his time.
It was the moment for Colin to dive into his own reality, surrounded by fast-food packages, energy drinks, and the sound of mouse clicks.
He lost himself in the game, forgetting time and the obligations he had in real life.
However, even immersed in his virtual world, there was a feeling of emptiness that accompanied him. A feeling that, no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to reach full happiness and personal fulfillment.
Even so, he continued playing, trying to find a purpose for his existence in a world that seemed increasingly empty and meaningless.
While playing, he ended up receiving a notification.
As soon as he opened it, he saw that one of his friends was inviting him to a call, which he ended up accepting.
"Colin?!" said one of his friends. "Was waiting for you to tell you the news!"
Curious, Colin squinted, thinking the moderators had added a new event to the game.
"What's the news? A weekend event?"
"Not that, you know your ex-fiancée?"
"The one who played with us?" asked another friend who was on the call.
"That's the one. So, I decided to stalk her and found out she's getting married to a rich guy!"
Colin pursued his lips and swallowed hard.
It hadn't even been two months since they broke up.
"So what?" asked Colin. "Life goes on. I won't be crying over a failed relationship."
"But it's weird for her to get married so fast," commented the friend. "She was probably already cheating on you, you know, women never leave a guy without having another in reserve."
"Anyway, are we gonna play or not?" asked Colin, irritated.
"Of course we are."
They played a few matches, but Colin wasn't well; nothing in his life was going the way he wanted.
He never stopped trying to change, he just decreased the frequency in how he dealt with his problems, often leaving them there, gathering dust.
"I'm sleepy, guys," said Colin, faking a yawn. "Think I'm gonna sleep..."
"Sleep? But you just got here."
"Let him go, I bet he's gonna cry because of his ex-fiancée, hehe."
"Cry?" asked Colin. "As if one of the strongest mages in the game cries. See ya!"
He left the voice chat and took off the headset aggressively, throwing it on the table and letting out a long sigh.
He got up from the chair slowly and went straight to the bathroom on the other side of the room. He flipped the switch and leaned both hands on the sink while looking at himself in the mirror.
He only saw failure, the face of a man who needed a long night's sleep and a decent lunch.
"Shitty life..." murmured Colin.
Colin was dark-skinned; his hair was always messy and shone with a jet-black hue. His eyes were slightly yellowish, which sometimes, due to the light, took on a reddish tone.
Colin turned on the faucet and watched the water go down the drain.
Several things passed through his confused mind.
He cupped his hands and splashed his face, watching himself in the mirror while the water running down his face dripped aggressively into the sink.
Closing the faucet, Colin grabbed the face towel hanging on a hook behind him and dried himself, returning the towel to its place.
He returned to the room and rested his hands on his waist, observing the big mess.
"I need to clean this, but not now."
The rain had decreased drastically, taking the storm with it. The country where he resided was going through a powerful pandemic wave. Colin was never one to go out much, but his brief walks helped him clear his head when his mind got messy.
"I think I need to take a walk."
Fearing being strangled by his thoughts, Colin went to the living room and put on his black All Stars that were on the rug in front of the door.
He put on his coat and grabbed the umbrella beside the door.
He shoved his hands into his coat pockets and pulled out a surgical mask, putting it on immediately.
He sighed before turning the doorknob and took his first step out of the house. He opened his long black umbrella and began walking without haste.
As he walked, the cold wind blew against his face and swayed the trees, making the leaves fall like autumn rain.
Raindrops accumulated on the surface of the umbrella, forming small puddles that swayed from side to side with every step he took.
He felt a peace invade his body as he looked around and perceived the solitude of the city.
Colin went to the square he used to always go to, located near his house. Sometimes he sat there and planned how he would climb out of the deep hole he found himself in.
Deep down, he knew he wouldn't execute his fanciful plans; he just liked to imagine, to go anywhere that took him out of that disappointing reality.
Since being fired from his job as an administrative assistant, he found himself lost in a chaotic world. Soon after that, his mother passed away and his ex-fiancée left him, all within a short period.
He found himself alone, completely abandoned by everything and everyone. Life had given him a brutal punch in the stomach, and he was writhing on the cold ground, with no one to turn to.
His eyes were fixed on his feet, then he raised his head and saw someone approaching.
"Colin?" called a female voice.
He looked up and squinted, trying to remember who it was.
"Hi..." he finally remembered. "Agatha?"
She nodded.
Agatha was a high school friend Colin hadn't seen in a few years.
She had a youthful appearance, with short, choppy brown hair that hit her shoulders.
Her legs were covered by black pantyhose that highlighted her silhouette, and her feet were clad in a pair of red All Stars.
She wore a flared brown skirt that went down to her knees, matching a plaid wool coat that highlighted her thin waist.
Her brown eyes were bright and expressive, and her mouth was painted with vibrant red lipstick that contrasted with her fair skin.
On her right shoulder, she carried a brown leather bag with golden details, matching her earrings and watch.
"How long has it been?" she asked excitedly, sitting down next to him.
Colin thought, but couldn't find an exact answer.
"It's been a few years, I think."
"I heard about your mother, I'm sorry..."
"Yeah... me too."
Silence aggressively invaded the conversation between the two.
Agatha wasn't the type of friend he used to tell secrets and dreams to, even if during school they only had each other's company.
"I still wear it..." she said, holding a pendant that was around her neck.
Colin had given it to her as a gift unpretentiously the day before Agatha moved out of town.
That was the last time they had seen each other.
Colin looked at her, staring at the pendant.
"It still looks good on you."
Silence again.
"Heard you were going to get married," she commented so quietly it was barely audible.
"Yeah, I was, but it didn't work out."
Staring into Colin's empty eyes, Agatha swallowed hard. Her friend's eyes were different, colder than usual.
It had been a long time since they saw each other, they didn't even speak on social media, and she felt there was something wrong with her friend.
"Colin... is everything okay?"
He looked at her sideways and smiled.
"Always worrying about me, you really don't change."
"It's just that you seem... different..."
He nodded.
"What have you been doing after high school?" he asked.
Agatha looked into the void, shook her head, and shrugged.
"Nothing much, entered university, but it's currently closed because of the pandemic wave, but I'll graduate soon."
"That's good!" Colin looked at the ring on her right hand. "An engagement ring?"
"Ah, this?" Agatha smiled while stroking the ring. "He's an amazing man, think you guys would get along well."
"I'm sure we would."
Agatha's cell phone rang inside her bag and she quickly answered it.
"Honey, I'm arriving," she said to the phone. "Ended up meeting a high school friend and we stopped to talk, I'll be home soon... love you too."
She put the cell phone back in her bag and stood up.
"Colin, I have to go."
He waved his hands.
"It's fine, give your fiancé a hug for me."
She looked at him again and pursed her lips.
"Are you sure everything is okay?"
"Everything is fine, seriously."
"Don't you want my number? You could go have dinner with me and my fiancé one of these days..."
Colin shook his head no.
"Go live your life, you don't need me."
The rain started again.
Colin stood up and offered his umbrella.
"Take it, or you'll catch a cold, maybe something worse."
"And you're going to stay in the rain?"
"Consider it an early wedding gift. It's not much, but I guarantee it's of enviable quality. Best not to underestimate the bizarre promotions of convenience stores."
Deep down, Agatha felt that Colin was still the same as always. She just smiled and took the umbrella.
"Are you sure everything's going to be okay?"
"Damn! Agatha, this worry of yours is annoying, you know?"
"Hmph..." she grunted, looking away.
With his index finger, Colin touched her forehead.
"See you around, Agatha."
Colin turned around and pulled his hoodie hood down over his eyes.
"See you..." she murmured, watching him walk away.
In a snap, Colin found himself coerced into taking an action he had been pondering for a long time. His thoughts were no longer confused, and for the first time, he knew exactly what to do.
Upon turning the corner, he advanced through the deserted intersection heading to the edge of the bridge. He climbed onto the railing and took a good look down below.
The drop was too high, and there was no bank nearby. Colin used to have plenty of stamina when he attended high school, participating in dozens of physical activities, but that was just a shadow of what he once was.
In his current state, he would certainly die of fatigue just trying to reach the shore.
Opening his arms, Colin felt a light whipping of the breeze. He looked at the horizon and saw a beautiful sunset. He decided that this would be his last view, so he closed his eyes, removed his mask, and let the wind take it.
Colin felt like dead weight, a stain on society.
After everything he had been through, he had become a burden to himself and others.
Every day was an arduous battle, full of internal struggles. He felt like a parasite, sucking the energy and resources of others without offering anything in return.
There was no room for parasites in the system called society. Colin knew this, and that was one of the reasons why he felt so desperate.
Over time he clung to small things, to the small pleasures that were still capable of bringing a little joy and comfort to his broken heart. But, deep down, he knew he needed to find a greater purpose, something that gave him a reason to live and fight, but he was tired of searching for something like that, he just wanted it all to end.
He closed his eyes and let his body fall into the lake.
Splash!
While sinking into that deep lake, various things passed through his head. He remembered his mother, ex-fiancée, Agatha, and his virtual friends.
Suddenly, like a surprise punch, he remembered the last conversation he had with his mother.
She was lying in the hospital bed and was quite thin. Her hair was shaved and her eyes watery. The doctors had told her she had no more than a few weeks to live.
Colin was sitting in the chair beside her, dozing off.
He was bothered by the room light and slowly opened his eyes, staring at his mother in that deplorable state. Colin could barely contain his tears, but he also carried the main lesson his father had taught him.
"If you show weakness, no matter how small, the world will swallow you. Don't delude yourself, Colin, they'll say otherwise, but the world hates weak men."
His mother coughed and Colin jumped up. He approached his mother while shouting for a doctor.
"It's okay, dear," she said with a hoarse voice, staring at her son's face. "Been fighting again?"
"Ah, that... I... fell."
She knew it was a lie, but didn't care.
"The doctors said I don't have much time, so we better have this conversation soon."
"Wait, Mom, better stay silent, to conserve energy..."
"No, Colin, listen to me, I know I may not have been a good mother and was always kind of absent because of the illness. Your father is a bit hard on you, but..."
"You and Dad were the best!" he said while holding one of his mother's hands.
Colin's mother smiled and lifted her arm full of tubes and touched the face of her son who was doing everything not to break down in tears.
"My son... I wanted so much for us to have more time, I had so much to tell, but it's okay... just know that you are more special than you imagine, so just give time to time. Don't live too fast worrying about everything, there will always be a tomorrow, another chance to make things better, another chance to start over. It was like that with me and your father, we had to start from scratch twice, but we didn't give up and I had you, my greatest treasure."
Colin kissed his mother's hand and nodded.
His mother continued.
"All your father and I wished for, is that you were satisfied with yourself. I hope that a few years from now you become someone you'll be proud of, after all, you have my blood and your father's blood... you are destined for greatness."
As if woken by a slap in the face, Colin opened his eyes and saw himself drowning in a dark lake while air bubbles escaped from his lips.
Desperate, he tried to surface, but it seemed like something was pulling him down.
He didn't understand this mix of feelings, maybe he didn't want to go against his parents' last wish, or maybe his will to live was something even he couldn't control.
But none of that mattered in the moment. His thoughts were getting lost, and his desperate, almost instinctive will to cling to life, was being useless to him.
He was dying.