To dismiss any possible doubt, all you needed was impulsivity. Isn't that why it's used as the opposite of reason?
But rejecting reason was also rejecting what made him human. A dire situation indeed. They told him that trying was always better than not. Surely because they meant that to recover from something, it needed to happen in the first place. Life was not made by simple choice, a binary option.
A bad start is still better than no start at all, because everything isn't lost at the first inconvenience. It's just a matter of choice. To keep going, to let go, or to adapt.
It was only when he stepped through the doorway that this truth truly fell on him.
For once, the sun was shining brightly, its rays blinding him like a lost soul reaching heaven. Through the light, he tried to see, to look. In search of someone, a paragon toward that future he kept dreaming about.
In that room he had memorized, things had moved.
Both beds were made; someone had fiddled with his desk, but more importantly… two sets of eyes were looking at him.
Emerald and Gold.
They were here.
A mute and a doctor were both here, in that room, and before emotions got to him, Sunless had to clench his jaw. And yet, all he could do was to look at them as if their sorry state was his fault and his fault only.
Plume was leaning against the window, her strong silhouette blocking, by itself, a part of the light entering the room. Her shadow covered the floor the same way corpses would in a battlefield. The open book that she was kept screaming that same pain, that feeling of hopelessness that she showed him during their last lesson together.
Forced into a situation she herself wished to forget.
And yet, she had tried to abandon him.
As for Jeanne…
She was seated on his bed, her posture similar to that of a tired and grieving person. Her head acted as if the floor was pulling it. A weight she had a hard time fighting against, and so it was by looking up at him that their gaze met.
Turning his body to be able to see both women at the same time, Sunless was waiting. Just like them. That someone brave enough would break that overwhelming silence. Acting against the inertia of the moment, where no words would be shared, only looks.
Then movement was birthed.
[Plume]:"[Hello Sunless… I missed you.]"
Her hands moved at a slow pace; was it because she was afraid he had forgotten the basics she had taught him, or was she doubting herself and her own words?
But how could he forget when those same sessions were part of what he was longing for? He hadn't seen her since the incident, dodging each other like oil and water. And yet, his answer was given in both languages. Sharing a fact with his lips and a declaration with his hands. That he didn't forget; the page wasn't turned yet.
[Sunless]:"I missed you too, Plume…"
His voice was about to crack.
Because it felt like a possible farewell.
And he hated it.
He seethed without a word.
[Jeanne]:"Hello, Sunless…"
The sound of her voice…
He didn't answer.
He couldn't.
A grimace had appeared. One of disgust without a real root to it. Was it toward her? Toward him? Compared to Plume, he had seen Jeanne multiple times since the incident and still…
[Sunless]:"... i hate it."
[Jeanne]:"..."
All that situation, all his feelings, all that doubt.
He hated it.
Because there was a simple sentence that could summarize all his pain. One he refused to share or think about. Not anymore.
[Sunless]:"I hate you as much as I love you… So why? Why did I want you to be sorry and not at the same time? To spite you and to hug you?"
The grimace grew only stronger.
All that built-up emotional tension was breaking out. He felt hot; his heartbeat sped up, and his thoughts became hard to restrain… to contain. To hell with the good things to do. Moving his body, his gestures turned erratic.
[Sunless]:"Look at what you have done to me! LOOK AT ME! You helped me; you shed tears for me, and reminded me how it feels to have people caring for me. All that for what? For you to abandon me? To push me away like a used toy? Was that all I was to you both? TELL ME!"
The tone grew more heated as screams came out from the deepest pit of his soul. Tears welled up but couldn't fall. His voice cracked, but he couldn't care anymore. All the barricades he had made to be strong and worthy had fallen down.
In that battle, love was overwhelmed by hate.
And it had two different reactions.
Gold was shining, polished by flows of tears. Unable to move, stuck only to look at what he had become because of them.
But for the other…
Emerald had had enough, leaving her position only to walk toward the lost child. Silence was the sin while compassion was her virtue. She didn't share a word, guided by the sole motive her mind could grasp.
Her arms moved slowly, surrounding the child in an embrace.
One he tried to fight against.
But the cracks were spreading.
So the final questions were dropped.
[Sunless]:"Was I so bad that you wouldn't love me? That you wouldn't choose me? Didn't I deserve to be loved too?"
Plume was kneeling to be at his height, but his words were taking all the strength from her legs. Tears rolled out as the child finally broke down. It was too hard to act strong. He couldn't do it anymore. Murmurs were shared, but even he couldn't comprehend his words. Mixed with cries and screams of sadness.
After one, there was another.
The doctor had moved from the bed to join them as Sunless was embraced from both sides. And yet, he couldn't stop himself. He didn't want to. He wanted to be…
[Jeanne]:"It was hard…wasn't it? It's okay…You can be a child now."
That was it.
The last straw that broke him completely.
Not crying to act tough was something he had to do to survive. Weakness was preyed upon, so he had to act strong. To ignore all the horror he had seen, heard, and touched just to see another day. To turn a blind eye to things he couldn't handle.
People didn't give names in the Outskirt because the children weren't destined to survive. It was easier to move on if the kid was left unnamed; quicker to mourn them. To survive as a child was a miracle, not the norm. And let's not talk about the orphans…
But there was a trick…
To stop being a child and act like an adult.
Because danger and responsibility aren't age-restricted.
[Jeanne]:"Sunless, don't you ever forget that…The simple fact that you exist is enough for you to be loved."
He couldn't say anything.
Ugly tears kept falling as proof that he was alive.
But he didn't need to keep that act anymore.
He was allowed to act like a child.
To throw a tantrum when something triggered him.
To be imperfect.
Jeanne's voice had been trembling, and Plume was holding him as if he would disappear. He didn't forget what they did, but… Did it prevent him from still loving them? Did a child truly stop loving his family during conflict?
Humans are full of contradictions.
His little arms moved, and for a brief instant, both women were about to step back, afraid that he wanted them to let him breathe. Only for them to be held in place by his little and feeble arms. Pushing them into the embrace himself. Like the child he was, searching for warmth while sadness took over him.
Isn't that what children are supposed to do?
To cry on people they loved?
He didn't care.
Because it was what he wanted to do. Right here, right now.
[Sunless]:"I still don't forgive you…"
[Jeanne]:"We know… But more importantly…What do you want?"
The answer to that question was quite simple.
So simple.
Because he knew now what he wished for.
[Sunless]:"I want to stay with you… I-I don't care about other people. I want to stay with you and…and when I find Rain… I'll introduce her to you."
For they were symbols of care and protection.
They taught him how to live.
He wanted to trust them.
They were all he had left, and the boy named Sunless was two things: A kind kid and someone unable to let go of things he cared for.
And even though they knew that Sunless wouldn't be safe with them, both women were unable to refuse his wish. They became the very foundation of his well-being; the outside world would crush him eventually. Because that boy was living for love in a world where hate and death were all that mattered.
He wouldn't be safe anywhere.
Physically, if he stayed with them; mentally and emotionally, if he were to leave. And the boy's mind had already suffered too much. Back in the old days, people were saying that a crow would never forget those interact with it.
Help it, and it would become loyal to you.
Hurt it, and it would turn its world outside down to make you regret.
The boy was not a rat but a wounded crow.
[Jeanne]:"You can stay with us, Sunless."
Her words sounded like an absolute fact: she would fight anyone for him.
And Sunless was trusting her.
A weight on his heart had finally melted, as cries of fear and hate started to turn into relief. The seeds of doubt had bloomed from hell into roses of trust. He wouldn't have to be in the dark again, alone and cold anymore.
Clack clack
The sound of fingers clacking.
The mute had left all the talking to Jeanne, taking over as the physical presence of their combined will of tenderness for him. Sunless' reflex was already at work, turning his head to look at one of his teachers.
Without a voice but with an entire life of things to say.
Forcing a smile that became genuine, her hands moved.
[Plume]:"[You're stuck with us now, Little Light.]"
And from all those tears and sadness, a child's chuckle blessed the room.
They all knew that there was still one detail to handle, but it could wait because on that shining day, the Immortal Flame Clan had adopted its new son.