Footsteps[1] echoed in thoses lifeless corridors.
Trails of muds left behind the two silhouettes, silence was once again watching over them. An adult and a child were holding hand and yet, there was no laughter. The weight of past pain and present torment pressing against their chests.
And still, there was that glimpse of calmness around them. Because pain was rejected, for it wasn't needed anymore nor ever was. The child was in his last labor named after a virtue. Letting hope change his self inflected fate.
It was the end of the road for him.
That feeling that everything was going to crumble only for him to keep walking. To have faith that in his fall, a new path would appear. In that instance, the woman would almost look like an angel guiding a lost lamb toward the light.
Every door was leading somewhere, and Sunless knew too well where each door was leading. From a reserve to a library containing countless rows of old books. That single room was worth a fortune, only to be forgotten in a Memory.
It could feed thousands of mouth for years while still having leftovers to be happy by yourself without the need of counting.
All that potential was wasted under so much dust that even the titles were unreadable now. The same dust he had to remove himself book after book. He had time to waste now, so he wanted to read until his eyes gave out.
If Sunless wasn't with Vincent outside or with Nephis inside, the next spot to find him would have been the library.
[Dana]:"... You still haven't had breakfast, I'll cook you something after I walk you back to your room."
Once again, that feeling of getting something he shouldn't was grabbing his guts, pressing his heart and making a knot out of his vocal cords.
An urge to scream at the world only to lack the words. Because even he didn't know what to do or what to think.
[Sunless]:"I'm sorry…"
The woman was about to turn her head toward him but stopped herself from doing so. He would have questioned that before but now he knew… That just looking at him was hurting her.
[Dana]:"I would say that you don't need to be but… What are you sorry for ?"
[Sunless]:"I don't know… I felt like I needed to say it."
After the library's door was the dining room, pieces of memory kept coming back. The insufferable comments from Vincent in the morning, the cacophony of silverware at lunch and dinner covered by multiple conversation held at the same time.
No need for him to have the door opened, for he could see even with his eyes closed. The table, the chairs, how some of them would move and how some dont. Their posture, their gaze, and their voices.
Sometimes they were only four, sometimes six but he was never alone. But now, he was only eating with Nephis from time to time.
Food was less tasteful when eating alone.
He knew that, because every time the sole plate at the table was his, he couldn't stop himself from thinking the same thing.
'It tastes no better than synth paste.'
He who cried before on food was now comparing it with something he wouldn't even feed to his pet cockroach.
He hated it.
[Dana]:"I was told that you like waffles… Is that it or do you have a sweet tooth?"
[Sunless]:"Sweet tooth… but you're told a lot, no?"
[Dana]:"I usually need to keep moving so I'm rarely around. That's the life of a scout for you… But even without that, people in here love speaking about you."
[Sunless]:"great…"
Why was he happy?
Why was he angry?
If everyone loved talking about him, why was there no one talking to him? That fact that he was asking that very question had him tightening his hold on Dana's hand. He knew why, and it was his fault. Like always.
Why can't he just do something right for once?
[Dana]:"You know… I would like to spend more time with you."
[Sunless]:"But…?"
The answer came out without him realizing it. For the first time, the duo had to stop their march to look at each other. Not for long since Sunless had already turned his head the moment he noticed Dana looking at him.
A single word was about to leave his lips–the same one that wouldn't leave his mind–if not for the Dana's answer.
[Dana]:"I can use your help. You're getting trained by Vincent and since you're going that way why stop with only him? We'll train to keep your aura in check and maybe—and I do mean maybe—you'll learn how to read people's intent. I think that you already have a hunch for that but only time will tell."
Why?
Why was she trying that hard?
He should be happy, so why was he not ?
[Sunless]:"Jeanne's waiting for us…"
No word was shared after that, moving though corridors and stairs. Leaving him to fight with his own thoughts, a maelstrom that wouldn't calmdown. One where two opposite were fighting without rest. Coldness against warmness. Light and darkness… Hate or relief?
He couldn't understand why he was like this.
If not for them, he wouldn't have been that soft and no doubt would have been allowed to begin with. But if you start questioning one detail, why wouldn't you doubt everything you've been told?
Sunless was longing for something he couldn't say outloud. After all, how can he ask for anything? Wasn't he already lucky to be here? He would have named hundreds of children that you have taken his place without hesitation, if only they weren't nameless.
He was acting like Nephis but couldn't even blame her anymore.
His own words sounded fake, because how dare he give advices if he couldn't even follow them himself? He had thought that he had learned how to fight for something other than regret. To let his mother's teaching lead his way, but even for that he had failed her.
What was fleeting was destined to be lost…
He was pushed away and yet he was craving for that connection. Like an abandoned pet waiting for its master to come back. Is that all they needed to do to turn him into some beast to satisfy their own hunger for superiority?
To be their pawn?
And yet, a part of him was pushing that possibility away.
What if he were the problem?
That he was only seeing things for what they were not, they kept telling him that he was punishing himself. Once again he didn't understand it completely. He didn't understand them.
Was he that broken that no one wanted him?
Was it why they wanted him to go with "other people"?
Hope and Despair.
A sickness covered like a truth and his only chance to clear that doubt was to ask about it. But telling it would be like admitting the existence of that very possibility. That he was destined to be left behind by them and all he could do was to watch it happen.
And that fate was worse than anything else. A starving man would have forgotten the taste of food over the years. He wouldn't complain about it because he wouldn't have any basis to compare his situation with.
But they gave him everything.
Food.
Confort.
Care.
He had starved once. From nutriment, people, dreams, and warmth. And any changement to that "peace" was a menace to his sanity. He would do anything to never starve like he used to. He would work twice as much, do a tenfold amount of his past effort just to hear them say "You can stay".
He would even speak with the Matriarch if needed to.
Through tears and fear, he would do it because he refused to die a second time.
For he had already died once, being only an empty shell for years.
[???]:"You're here."
That single voice rang in his head rent-free.
Because the girl was standing beside the door of their room. Nephis' arms were crossed and pressed against her body.
Silver meeting Onyx.
Both gaze melting into a mute discussion.
One where the only question asked couldn't be answered.
Panic took over him while sensing Dana dropping off his hand but only for a second. No, even less than a second. Every action was like fuel to his inner turmoil, oppressing the light in his soul for a better tomorrow.
People tended to say that having hope was easy.
But hope and faith are two name for the same thing, and how could you have faith if failure is your sole certainty?
[Dana]:"I'll be back. I warned you before, right? I'm going to cook you something."
Her voice was comforting.
And yet, he had a hard time trusting her words. But trust or not, she was already moving back to the stairs, leaving him alone with the girl as cold dread settled over him.
[Nephis]:"Sunless."
Called by his name, the boy was doing his best to keep his trembling hands his check. It was his last chance to just return to Vincent to resume their training. And yet, the girl in front of him kept looking at him.
As if she were able to see something he couldn't.
Something worth her attention, her time.
His feets were stuck in place, heavier than they ever had been. But it wasn't a problem, because if he couldn't move, she would come at him. Paralyzed by the logical end of all thing, he didn't move as her finger started to brush against his right cheek.
Moving slowly, rising alongside his jawline, moving upwards to reach something behind his ear. A few strand of hair were moved, as if she were judging them.
[Nephis]:"Once you're done in here, I'll take care of your hair, okay?"
His mind turned blank.
Unable to formulate a single word, his answer was finally shared with nods of affirmation. Which had for effect to turn the nonchalant girl into a smirking one.
[Nephis]:"I'll be in the kitchen with Dana, don't make me wait for too long."
Not a demand.
An order.
She was trusting him to handle the rest without a once of doubt. Looking up at her because of her height, he could only be lost as her hand then started to ruffle his hair. With a bit too much strength, pushing a little bit his head downward at the same time, he could swear that he heard her chuckle a little bit.
All that would have been normal if not for the fact that… Her eyes and nose were redder than they used to be when they woke up. Moving past him, Nephis was already disappearing the same way Dana did.
And there it is.
He was alone in front of that door.
All he had to do was to open it.
And yet despite all that, Sunless was simply unable to move. No, it would be a lie… He just couldn't move forward. In his mind was the last standoff. Searching ways to dodge that fearful situation. Because…what if they refused? He wouldn't be able to lie to himself anymore, he would be stuck in that situation.
'It's okay to fail… But what if it's my last chance? I don't want to fail, I don't want to lose… I don't want to let go…'
The fog in his mind was forcing him to take a first step… away from the door.
He couldn't do it.
Another step away.
Then another.
His instinct were screaming at him to flee that fight. He always fails anyway. They would never accept to have him with them. So why did he have to keep pushing if he already knew how it would end?
Sunless was about join Nephis and Dana.
He would be a failure, it would be easier that way. A rat will always be a rat.
[Jeanne]:"... Sunless?"
Coming from inside the room, behind that door, the only voice capable of making him doubt his own cowardice at this instant was talking to him. A subdued voice but still, all he could hear was her worryness.
As if she were praying for him to not leave. That it was okay for him to take his time in front of the door, but it would kill her if he didn't even try.
But he tried.
The fact was that he was in that corridor was enough to say that he had tried.
But it was never enough.
[Jeanne]:"...sunless?"
Her voice was trembling. She seemed in so much pain, as if it were him who had tried to abandon her. SHE was the one who had tried to push him away.
Jeanne, Plume, and the Matriarch were all guilty of that.
They wanted him to trust them only to prepare his departure at the same time. It was them who attempted to abandon him, not the other way around. And yet… a part of him wished for something.
To do something right for once.
He couldn't let go of his pain, of that betrayal.
And it was with that in heart that the first step was made toward the door.
Then a second.
Then a third.
His hand on the handle, his mind had found the compromise to that situation.
To do the right thing for a bad reason. Trying to be better only to shove it in their faces. And who knows, maybe even from a bad seed can a beautiful rose can grow.
Then… a door was opened.
[1] Recommended to have a better understanding of Sunless feelings during the chapter: "Beckets's Death - Slowed and Reverb" (from Zazeus)