I gasped and sat upright in bed. I was dripping with sweat as usual. I took in deep breaths to calm myself. I was lying in my bed and surprisingly I didn't remember how I went to bed last night. My head was pounding so hard and I lay back down. It was Saturday and I didn't have anywhere to be in particular, I could stay in bed all I wanted. I felt like I was walked over by a train then crushed under a bus. My right cheek stung so bad and my left hand felt like someone mulled it with a hummer. I brought it up and looked at it and it was bruised. The ideas of the previous night suddenly filled my head and my gut filled with vile. I sprang out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I emptied the contents of my stomach in my toilet. I went to lift my head but another wave of disgust filled me and I threw up again and again till I was heaving and my stomach was empty. I couldn't throw up even if I wanted to. I was still in yesterday's clothes and they disgusted me.
I stripped roughly and threw the clothing in a bin together with my underwear. I was gonna burn them later. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing them again. I opened the shower head and stepped in. I set the water to slightly too hot. I let the water burn my skin. I scraped my skin roughly with my finger nails. I just wanted to rid myself of the memory that last night had triggered. I didn't realize I was crying until it was hard to breathe. I sat down and sat on the shower floor and let the water burn away their filthy feel on my skin. I sat there until my skin was numb and my eyes were swollen before I stood up and reached for the soap and body scrub. I scrubbed my body and hair till I was satisfied before stepping out of the shower. I put almost too much toothpaste on my tooth brush and brushed my teeth and tongue for twenty minutes before I was satisfied. I spat in the sink and washed my mouth with lots of water before rinsing my mouth with mouthwash. I wrapped myself in a white bathrobe and stepped out into my room. I stripped my covers and sheets off and pillow cases and joined them with my clothes in the bin. Everything I touched in those clothes had to burn. I replaced them with clean white sheets and covers and white pillowcases. I almost felt slightly better except for my pounding head.
I rid myself of the disgusting feeling and walked downstairs. The house was surprisingly quiet and I was thankful for that. I had forcefully given Xavier and Carl an off every weekend but they always defied me. I was thankful today was one of the few weekends they chose to listen to me. I'd only think how guilty they felt for what had happened that they didn't want to do anything I didn't want them to do. I hadn't heard from Tanya yet but I could only guess she went home with the guy who asked her for a dance.
I fixed myself a cup of coffee and sat on one of the kitchen island stools. I also took some aspirin tablets from one of the cupboards above the kitchen counter. I swallowed them for my pain and hangover before sipping down my coffee. Coffee had never tasted this good in the morning. I moaned and jugged the rest of it down my throat. I filled my mug again and drank this one much slower. I was on my last sip when my phone vibrated and Tanya's face flashed on the screen. I didn't feel like answering or I didn't feel like talking to anyone for that matter. But I knew if I didn't answer she was gonna burst through the door any minute. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be left alone. I let it ring a few more times before answering.
"Why on earth aren't you picking my calls woman?" She screamed through the line and I had to pull the phone away from my ear.
"I was in the bathroom," I lied. "What's up Tee?" I rubbed my skull.
"I left the club early you know, mn… did you get home alright?"
"Yes, I did, we didn't stay longer. Something came up." I lied yet again. But I didn't feel like getting into any details. What was I supposed to say anyway, 'Ooh I got drunk out of my head, accidentally went to the men's washroom and got triggered to remember the very thing I had wanted to forget? That I had almost lost it and gone back to the days I thought I had long put behind me?'
I couldn't tell her even if I wanted to. I wasn't going to tell Xavier and Carl either. I didn't want anyone to make a big deal if I told them I had an episode. Besides, Carl and Xavier could only tell my dad and that man will have me back to his condor kicking and screaming. The only reason he had let me run my small company and live alone was because I had convinced him I was doing okay now and I hadn't had any panic attacks or anxiety episodes.
A wave of disgust filled me and I suddenly felt the need to throw up. "Actually Tee, I have to go, my dad is calling. I'll call you later." I lied again and hung up before running to the bathroom across the hall. After emptying my stomach, I didn't wanna stay in the house anymore. I went into my room and changed into a pair of grey sweatpants and a baggy white sweater. I slipped on a pair of flat white shoes and left the house. I didn't care about my hair, I just slipped a beanie over the shaggy nots. I didn't have a place I needed to be in particular so I just drove around town in circles until I spotted the Rhodes children's park. I drove through and packed my car in the western side where it seemed more deserted. I sat on one of the falcon shaped seats facing the oldest tree in the park. Its stem is so thick it'd take six grown men to completely hug its roots protruding around it. Its leaves fell all around it like waves forming a dense beautiful canopy. It felt so calming and I got lost in the moment. That's until I had a laugh. The deep beautiful laugh.