We had left the beach a couple hours earlier. I had taken Sakurako back to my house where we planned to study for a bit, to get the jump on the next trimester and be prepared for all the work coming our way. We sat down, and were prepared to get started on the work.
Sakurako took off the jacket she was wearing, and on her bicep I noticed something.
"Hey what's that there?" I asked, going in closer to examine"
"Oh it's just a bruise that I got bumping into something"
Daniel looked at it, and he looked at it, and he looked at it. He was completely frozen. Moving my head down to look at him, I locked eyes with him, he wasn't looking back. His eyes were unfocused, wide as they could be. What was happening?
He was shaking, and it was getting worse and worse. He finally unfroze, to clasp his hand around his mouth, putting his left hand to his stomach. Describing this scene, I had no clue what was happening. He was completely shutting down, he looked pale, ill, but why?
Still in that position, he was sweating, shaking, breathing heavily and quickly. I think he's having a panic attack, I haven't a clue what to do about that!?
"Why? Why? Why? Why?"
"Hey. Look at me"
"Why couldn't I help? I could've helped... I should've helped... Why? Why? Why'd it happen?"
Muttering to himself, I may not have known what he was talking about or what he was going through, but I knew he needed help.
"Daniel! Daniel!"
"Why? Why? I don't deserve to be here… I shouldn't be here..."
He was retching, like he was about to vomit. This experience was not one I had been expecting to have today. I don't care though. I don't care if I don't know what to do or how to help. He was barely legible anymore, his speech muffled by his own tightening grip. I needed to do something, but what? He was suffering and I couldn't help him.
"Oh fine, this'll have to do!"
I flung myself into him, wrapping my arms tightly around him. I embraced him warmly, this was the best I could do.
"Huh??"
He wasn't quite sure what was happening, but that was good at least, he acknowledged the outside world. I couldn't see his face, but I felt like his eyes would've locked in at this point. Daniel took his hands from their previous positions, and tentatively put them around me, softly, and without much strength.
"It's okay.." I whispered. "You're okay with me"
His embrace strengthened, it became tighter and I could feel tears on my skin. I will stay embracing him, he needs it.
"Thank you.."
"You're okay"
"I want to tell you something"
He said this as he placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me face to face with him.
"Please tell me"
Daniel sat opposite me, his face mere inches from mine. Tears streaked down his face as he explained what exactly caused this. I listened intently as he told a long tale. It wasn't a happy one, he prefaced it with the time, three years ago.
As he got to the end of what he told me, I felt myself begin to feel ill. The tears flowed. This was what caused everything? Combined with his family situation, how was he still alive? I applaud his strength, but I couldn't stop my own tears from falling. He finished after around an hour.
While he had calmed down now, he was still distressed and clearly not in a good state. I saw why the bruise set him off, and why he cut himself, and why he isolated himself, and gave up on life. He didn't want to be alive.. No.. He didn't think he should be alive.
"I'm so sorry..t-that..happened"
I pulled him in again, clutching him tight. We're both crying now, although I think I'm actually crying more than him. I helped him. He was calmer, more collected. I at least had brought him out of disassociation.
"It's not your fault. No matter how much you think it was. You were twelve. There's no way you could've seen what happened or stopped it yourself"
"I-I..all I wanted was t-to be h-happy.." He still struggled to speak properly. "I could've seen it...I should've seen it happening..."
"No. No matter how smart you are, even if you're a genius you can't make something out of nothing Daniel"
"But I-"
"Shhh..I don't want you to move on. I want you to be you. Make this a part of you in whatever way you can, and live. Live for you"
"Some pretty bold advice from you.."
"Seems like you're already back to yourself a little bit"
I pushed myself out of the embrace and held the back of his head. I put my forehead to his.
"Just talk to me. Whenever you want"
"I will.."
"I mean it. I'll be doing it so you might as well"
"Ha, guess I should then"
He smiled finally, a very slight smile, but better than nothing. I smiled back, forced as it was, I hope I got the message across.
"Thank you..so much"
"No need"
His breathing returned to relative normal. As over an hour had passed, it was getting late, probably past 7 now. I was exhausted from
everything, and I'm certain Daniel was too as his breathing slowed ever more.
"Don't worry about it"
"Hmm?"
"Just relax"
....? What happened? What time was it?? Slowly gaining an ounce of consciousness, I gathered what was happening even just a bit. It was so warm, but why? Ah yes, I'm currently locked in an embrace with Daniel,
on the floor, and it's bright outside the windows. It is very comfortable actually. So I'm more than fine with staying like this. I just tried to go back to sleep as Daniel was still in a deep slumber it seemed.
Once again I awoke, but I feel less comforted now. That's because I was in a bed, one I had slept in before. I guess Daniel had gotten up, picked me up and moved me into his bed. How gallant and chivalrous, but
I feel he could've just woken me up.
"You're up now hmm?"
"That I am"
"Well then you should probably get all freshened up. It's like 9am"
"Is it really??"
"Sure is"
"I wonder if my mother noticed.."
"Guess she would've if she was home"
"I really hope not"
Thank goodness. No messages means she was not home last night. I am safe for this one...I hope.
"Alright I'll do my thing, you just get ready for the day"
He left his room to do something unspecified. I had a shower, and got changed for the second time in this house. I really had done this quite a bit hadn't I. Neither time had I anticipated staying the night though, so perhaps it was normal enough?
"I made breakfast, I only hope my humble skills can please you"
"You're an excellent chef you know"
"I do know"
"How arrogant"
"Oh well"
Flashing me a smile, a one I only saw on occasion, and never with his friends, Daniel turned his back to me and went into the fridge to retrieve something.
"You talk similar to me. Like when you're being real"
"Do I?"
"Yeah you're a bit more formal and you have some different mannerisms I guess. But the premise seems to be the same with us"
"I never really thought about it"
"Interesting"
Daniel was almost a complete mystery to me when I met him. Over time I got to know him, and unravel his secrets and his struggles. I got to know him. Or at least I think I did. Daniel had so many masks and
personas that I'm sure any of his more observant friends like Randan or that Oliver could've easily noticed themselves. What was the real him though? Did I just know another contrived personality of his, or did I
know Daniel Barrington, the person?
"You said 'when I'm being real', what did you mean by that?"
"You interact with me in a different way to most others, or at least when you're around me you're friendlier and more of a person. You've kinda got a reputation for being icy to a lot of people"
"Then tell me this.. Am I talking to the real you right now?"
He froze up for a second, pausing the sip of tea he was taking. Putting his cup down to the table, he looked deeply into my eyes, burrowing into my soul.
"Yes. Or at least this is probably the closest anybody will ever get. Never have I ever broken down like that or confessed so much to somebody"
"So this is the real you, at least mostly"
"Probably"
"I always noticed polarities in the way you acted, like a man of many faces"
"I've heard that a couple times before" His stare intensified. "But this isn't the only me there is. I have other tendencies I have firmly
buried, I don't want them to be me..ever"
"What does that mean exactly?"
"Stuff that are parts of me, things I was never able to erase, parts of myself I hope you'll never know"
"Bold of you to believe I'm not the same in that regard.."
Knowing that made me feel something. I can't control my smile, I've never felt this way before. I won't complain, this feeling is
beautiful, I love it.