— Hi — I say, caressing her face when I see her open her eyes.
After showering and having breakfast together, we leave in her car for town to find a place for her store. — Since we're here, how about we visit your grandparents? — Miriam says. Which hits me frozen.
Once we arrive at the cemetery, she buys a couple of flowers and gives them to me. She leads me to my grandparents' graves, which are next to my mother's. There's a portrait of them sculpted in stone, like a relief photograph.
— If you'd like to say a few words in private, I can…
I intertwine my fingers with hers and we remain in a silence that doesn't frighten me, a silence that doesn't last long because it's interrupted by thunder in the clouds. When I lift my face, a light rain falls, washing the tears from my face. Thinking of them and not remembering what it felt like to hug them is an immense pain that torments me.
Perhaps my nightmares are them, and that deformed shadow is my fault for having distracted Grandpa.
— Mirian, thank you for this. I hadn't thought about coming — I say. I turn to look at her face — If you were there, could you tell me how the funeral was?
With her words, I can picture it in my head: people dressed in black, many crying and throwing flowers on their graves. My aunt threw the first portion of earth with the shovel and began to cry so intensely that one of her cousins had to hug her to smother her sobs on her shoulder.
— I'm sorry I wasn't there — I say. At the grave with them, I think.
— Do you think you didn't deserve to have survived? — Mirian asks as if she can read my mind.
— I think my question is more about why.
— The answer depends on your choices in this life. The one you had until the moment of the accident went away with them — Mirian says, bending down to run her hands over the flowers on my mother's grave — You are here, in the hearts of those who must be remembered, but you live on with those of us who can continue to love you.
She looks up at me and smiles slightly. I bend down beside her, take her face in my hands, and kiss her as if I wanted her lips to soothe my pain.
{}{}{}
After several days perfecting my clay skills, I manage to make a mug for my aunt. It's quite large, white with embossed cherries around the edge. Mirian arrives at my house to deliver it wrapped in a cardboard gift bag she decorated herself. — You didn't have to do this — I say, seeing the hundreds of flower drawings covering the brown bag.
— Maybe I want to please your mom.
— Thank you — I say before kissing her forehead. — I'm planning to go down to town to buy a cake."
— Why don't we make one for her? — she says.
— I'm not very good at baking. Is this something else you're going to teach me?
— No, I'd rather not do it alone — The keys jingle, followed by the sound of the lock at the door. — I brought cornbread. Let's see if you're up for eating a couple of sandwiches? — my aunt says, coming through the door. When she gets to the kitchen, she seems a little surprised.
— Let me help you with that — I say. I take the market bag and put it on the island.
— Good afternoon, Mrs. Yolanda — Mirian says.
— Hi. How are things with Taison? — she says with a rather fake smile. Mirian looks confused by her question.
— Who is Taison? — I ask.
— He's a friend. We were working together last year, but I preferred to continue on my own.
— He seemed quite worried about you — Mom says — He asked me to let you know if he spoke to you that he's coming over.
— I think it's best if I go. I don't want my dad to tell him I'm here — Mirian says.
Before I can stop her, she gets in her car and drives off. I don't understand why that man would ask Mom about Mirian if they're not supposed to get along very well.
A couple of days later, she comes back to my house, leaves the cake in the kitchen, and leaves to avoid seeing my aunt.
It's a breath of fresh air to see so many familiar faces and have conversations about medicine without feeling lost. I think I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.
Seeing that my insomnia and lack of appetite aren't releasing me, I decide to start running in the mornings to exhaust my body to the point where my brain stops playing tricks on my taste buds and accepts some rest.
On one of my hikes in the mountains, I hear the sound of a nearby waterfall. I walk through the bushes until I see a huge rock. I assume the waterfall is on the other side of the rock, so I walk around it until I reach a small pool illuminated by the sunlight, thanks to the fact that the treetops don't completely block it. Seeing the rocks at the bottom of the pool gives me confidence, so I take off my clothes and get in the water. There's what appears to be a hole right under the waterfall, or rather, a tunnel between the enormous rocks. I can see light on the other side, so I decide to dive through it.
As I pass through this tunnel, I look up at what appears to be a semi-cave inside the mountain. There's a hole at the top that illuminates the place, and another waterfall separates this room from another. The waterfall is thin enough to make out the silhouette of a woman with her back to me. Suddenly, I have a feeling of déjà vu.
— Mirian?
At that moment, she turns and swims toward me — Did you remember this place?
— I think so — I say — You're...
— So are you. So what? — she says, as if trying not to laugh. She moves her hands from my lower abdomen to my shoulders — Do you want to kiss me?
I smile at her question and kiss her right then. The sweet scent of her skin and the caress of her warm hands on my torso make my heart race. I lift her by her torso, then hold her buttocks as she crosses her ankles behind me. I kiss her collarbone, her neck, and her cheek until I taste something sweet. — Why are you stopping? — she asks. I slowly lower her and use my thumb to push her chin open.
— I bit your lip — I say, but why does it taste so sweet?
— It's nothing. I didn't even feel it — she says. My heart is still racing, and my throat seems to close up more with each passing second.
— I don't think this is a very comfortable place to do everything we want — I say, running my pinky finger from the center of her chin to the corner of her lips to wipe away the traces of blood.
We went out to the other side of the mountain and down the path to where she had parked her car. We enter through the patio of her house, climb the stairs to the attic balcony, and kiss again as we undress.
We continue lying on the bed where Mirian sits on my lap. She moves back and forth, pleasuring herself, and guides my hands to touch her. I run my hands over her abdomen, her breasts, her back, and caress her legs until I feel I'm about to come. I grip her hips and lift mine, making my erection rub against her inside from top to bottom. She begins to moan with more enthusiasm until she leans back on top of me, and I hold her close so we wouldn't separate as I position myself over her. — Oh, damn, I think I'm gonna come! — I gasp.
— Don't stop — she moans. I place my hands on her hips and thrust harder until I fully liberate everything inside her. I lie back on top of her, and she hugs me — You're drenched in sweat — she says. I push off with my arms, but she holds on. — I didn't say I didn't like it — We kiss a little longer and stay silent until our breathing slows.
— I hope this helps me sleep — I say, my lips and nose brushing against her temple. My head is resting on her bent left arm.
— Are you having trouble sleeping? — she asks, tilting her head slightly.
— Nightmares — I say — No matter what I'm dreaming, a shadow suddenly appears and takes over my body like a parasite. Sometimes I feel like it's more than just a nightmare, like there's something wrong with me and my mind doesn't know what to do about it.
— I always have the same one. I'm in the middle of a forest clearing where a huge bonfire is burning. There's a woman in a white dress staring at the fire, but it looks like her body is rotting. I try to wake up, but the only way I can is if I go up to her and touch her shoulder — Mirian says. I pull my hand from between the mattress and her back to place it on her other cheek and kiss her.
— And what do you see?
— I see myself.