Looks like I'll have to slip into the costume of someone who usually defends the interests of all the players mentioned above.
I'll act as a problem-solver for the common folk, not just a fixer for coked-up RnB stars.
So here's the deal from your friendly neighborhood socialist Ray Donovan:
You, Humanity, have proven yourselves absolute legends in the endless, raging fight for the rights of bipolar, omnisexual laptops from Taiwan — so handling this won't be a big stretch either. Were trade unions and all those organizations invented for nothing?
The second some mukbang influencer posts a story saying their aunt heard from her friend that her neighbor's dog walker found out there's now a new "immortality service" on the market — it's time to MOVE. FAST.
The longer you sit around philosophizing over this massive issue, the more likely it is that the decisions will be made — as usual — without you, without us, and immortality will quietly slip through your fingers and offshore itself somewhere cozy. Sure, discussions will still have value at all stages, but actions, my friend... Actions are irreplaceable, and maybe — just maybe — the only thing that really matters.
Access to this shiny new option will only be secured if billions of people collectively demand it. Otherwise, the Big Boys and Big Girls will swoop in, and at best you'll end up like Justin Timberlake's character in In Time. At worst — you'll get absolutely jack shit.
"Morality will collapse, and that's obvious. A human being without an end to their existence will throw such a wild party that the Earth itself will shudder and break into a sweat no deodorant could ever handle."
Since you, dear reader, seem so keen to talk about morality, let's go there. I'll even dedicate a whole separate fragment — with its own shiny title — to morality and one other Big Existential Question.
A Guitar smashed against the stage.
There are countless other manifestations of untamable rock 'n' roll, and this — well… this is probably one of the least harmful. Sometimes we all want to go wild and party it up, but eventually, we always find our way back to sipping Baihao tea with cream puffs or settling into a prim little dinner with the family — or alone, just us and ourselves.
But what about those who don't feel like returning to that "civilized" state?
Those who refuse to don the white robe of righteousness, preferring instead the zipped-up jumpsuit clasped tight at the mouth and the Mistress's whip whistling above the neck?
(I'm talking emotionally here, okay? No judgments at all toward either the jumpsuit or the ball gag. Spare me, Mistress, spare me!)
Now, while hollering about regression and the fall of our sacred roots — meaning the sinful nature of the human soul — let's take a moment to actually stand up for morality.
She's had time to grow up while we weren't looking; she's learned to walk, matured, pays her taxes now, and even bowls with coworkers on the weekends.
Some of you — maybe all of you (or maybe no one at all) — might have heard of something called Porta Potty events, these joyful little gatherings that seem like they were invented by the same merry pranksters who designed funeral processions.
Nothing in common with your wedding games or birthday bash traditions — and definitely not your quinceañeras — but all the darkest, dirtiest fantasies you could imagine? Oh, they're all very much included, all neatly bundled into the services being offered.
"Outrageous barbarism! Where is the world heading?!"- You'll scream after a quick Google search and a scroll through the chaos. Maybe you'll genuinely get pissed. Maybe you'll secretly wrestle with a shameful shiver and a rogue boner. Or, perhaps, you'll just skip it all with the same blank poker face you use to watch dental surgery Reels.
Now let's try and dissect this thing, keeping cool, avoiding either condemnation or encouragement. Just cold, neutral scalpel work. (Dissection, by the way, is impossible at these events — and that's actually the key difference between Porta Potty enthusiasts and the old-timey people who dabbled in cannibalism and ritual sacrifice.)
At least that isn't happening there — because, you know, law and order still exist in some vague, wobbly form, and that sort of thing would break through the invisible-but-real fence of legality.
Meaning: Jurisprudence defeated hardcore dismemberment (guro) and proudly marched its banner ever onward!