Saint, You're So Vulgar! – Chapter 5
It was a standoff that felt both short and long.
Versia's vulgar banter only ended when Asher shook his head wildly and started yelling at the top of his lungs.
In the midst of it all, Asher realized something.ش
'What a nasty woman!'
She had a terribly nasty personality.
She was the type who took genuine pleasure in others' suffering, only stopping her "jokes" once they begged her to.
To think this was the true nature of the saintess Versia he'd so admired!
It hadn't even been a full day and a half yet, but all that welled up inside Asher was a sense of betrayal.
Not giving a damn either way, Versia lounged on the bed with the languid expression of a well-fed predator.
Asher narrowed his eyes and spoke primly.
"Don't perch on the bed like that. Won't the sheets I just straightened get all wrinkled?"
"This is my bed, though?"
"...Ah."
Right. Of course it was.
As he sighed to himself, she fired back.
"Want to sit down too, knight? It's pretty fluffy here. Big enough for two people to lie down on."
Versia patted the bed invitingly.
Asher let out a sigh.
"Beds are for lying in at night. If you start lounging around on one during the day, your temperament will surely turn slothful."
He felt a twinge of doubtwhy was he nagging her like she was some kid?
But that passed in an instant.
"There are people who lounge around during the day, you know. And since when is a bed just for sleeping..."
"Oh, please!"
"...Fine. You're such a nag."
Asher's eyes bulged.
He was too stunned to speak.
As bewildered fury rose in him and he glared at her, Versia shifted topics with an obvious "what are you gonna do about it?" look.
"Anyway, even after sleeping it off, nothing's changed. Guess it's gonna last a while."
"...Yeah, looks like we'll need to find some other way."
"I sent that Marvin guy on his way properly. He gave me this super pitiful look when I said I was tired. Oh, and he said to hang in there. Didn't seem like it was for me, so I'm passing it on to you."
Asher laughed hollowly.
Why could he picture the whole scene so clearly?
Marvin already saw saintesses as monsters.
Versia wasn't one for expressive faces, so she must've said she was tired with a blank look.
Marvin probably pitied him, thinking being a saintess's guard must be brutally exhausting.
Clearing up the misunderstanding(?) could wait.
Asher sat in a chair and said,
"Getting back is an issue too, but... for now, let's figure out how to handle today. Any unavoidable appointments?"
Asher had trained his whole life to become the saintess's guard knight, but he didn't know the fine details of her daily duties.
He could improvise with people, but if she had actual work, he'd need a proper handover.
It was important for the future too.
After all, even if their bodies returned to normal while he was her guard, he needed to learn these things anyway.
He leaned in with genuine enthusiasm.
Her response?
"Eh, none."
"?"
"I just hang out. Eat when I'm hungry, snack when I'm bored. If I get restless, I stroll the gardens. If I'm feeling cooped up, I head out of the church and check out the markets."
"???"
"Hmm, I noticed yesterday too... You have some pretty romantic ideas about saintesses, knight."
Right then, harsh reality crashed down on the dazed Asher.
"Think about it. Sure, they revere us as saintesses out there, but we're no different from any other priest except we can hear God's voice. We can do a few things with divine power, but they hesitate to put us to work because we're 'God's daughters' and all that. So they treat us well but don't know what to do with usthey just give us some gardens and park us there."
Asher blinked.
A natural question followed.
"Then what about the guard knights...?"
"Errand boys."
"For that kind of role, the conditions are..."
"We're God's daughters. Can't have them sticking some ragtag nobody on usit'd be embarrassing."
Asher's jaw dropped.
A memory flashed through his mind.
Back when he'd first entered the church, he'd told his mentor and current knight captain, Sir Whale, that he wanted to be Versia's guard.
...It's not what you think.
Was that what he'd meant?
Sure enough, over the past ten years, Sir Whale had often suggested aiming for knight captain instead.
Back then, it'd felt like praise or encouragement, but now... maybe not.
Asher's body trembled.
Versia smiled brightly and asked,
"Disappointed?"
"I...!"
Words failed him.
But soon, Asher squeezed his eyes shut and replied,
"I'm not disappointed! It was still my goal!"
"Ho ho."
"Oh, right! You do stuff, don't you? I heard you do civilian inspections and provide medical aid to the poor!"
Asher's eyes sparkled.
He'd forgotten amid the shock, but just two months ago, Versia had toured nearby villages, healing the sick.
Yeah, that was even more impressive!
No one told her toshe volunteered to serve others...
"Ah, they give special pay for that. I wanted something at the time."
"?"
"Curious? It's a secret, but there's some erotic art under the bed..."
"Saintess!"
Asher shouted in a shrill voice.
His eyebrows furrowed in an inverted V as he stomped to the bed, dropped to his knees, and thrust his hand under it.
"Confiscated! Hiding obscene materials in the heart of the church! What if someone finds it? I'm destroying them! All of itfirewood fodder!!!"
But his hand found nothing.
"?"
Asher tilted his head and looked up at Versia.
She grinned wickedly.
"You fell for it."
"..."
"Anyway, get up. What's with that vulgar pose, ass in the air?"
"Argh, seriously!!!"
Crash! Clatter! Thud!
Asher flailed wildly enough to roll on the floor before scrambling to the wall and curling up.
His body shook with tremors.
"Keep your thoughts pure, would you?!"
"Got it. I'll stop, so pipe down before you wreck your throat."
"Seriously...!"
Versia just chuckled.
His irritation swelled another notch.
"Alright, enough teasing. Hmm, since it came upwanna go on an inspection?"
"...Out of nowhere?"
"Yeah. Now that I think about it, I need some money too."
Asher cocked his head.
"Why? Don't they supply daily necessities?"
"That's whyI've been living off rations."
What was the problem with that?
Asher stared at her in genuine confusion.
She gave him a look he'd never seen beforelike she was eyeing something bizarre, eyes narrowed.
"The clothes and underwear are all rough and scratchy. The soap smells like grease, no refreshment there. And the barracks reek of sweat. I need some incense candles for the room."
So what?
As he mulled it over, Asher nodded in understanding.
'The saintess is a woman too.'
Compared to Versia's usual attire, Asher's uniform was lower quality.
He'd kept patching the worn spots, honing his sewing skills, but old fabric couldn't feel nice.
And yeah, the barracks stench had shocked even him sometimes.
Bodies swapped or not, Asher hadn't forgotten his role in serving her.
He made a patriotic decision.
"If it's that, I have my pay. We can buy it with that."
It was the salary he'd scrimped for a new sword, but nothing was too good for Versia.
Pretty knightly and cool, right?
As he gazed at her expectantly, her response was a sigh.
"Sigh."
"Huh?"
"I get that you're being considerate."
"...What do you mean?"
"If you start buying floral incense, fancy soap, and high-end fabric clothes with your own money, how's that gonna look?"
"?"
"...Won't it seem like you're dolling me up for some scheme? Better to say I gifted it. 'I was embarrassed to take you out like that, so I bought new stuff'no one'll complain."
"...!"
"Don't go splashing cash from the weird angle."
Asher was floored.
But it made sense.
"Y-Yeah... you're right!"
He trusted his knight comrades, but people's gazes could shift anytime.
Best not to stir up needless trouble.
Asher nodded vigorously.
"Got it! Let's head out on inspection!"
His face brimmed with enthusiasm.
"I've got this! I studied guard protocols extra hard as a cadet, and I can even use basic healing arts!"
Asher placed a hand over his heart in knightly fashion.
"I'll serve you properly!"
"Picture's more like me serving you, knight."
"No need to worry! I'll handle everything!"
"More importantly, get down from there. You're sneakily touching my... gas..."
"I didn't touch anything!!!"
Asher yelled.
He shot her another of his countless glares of the day, and Versia said,
"Fine. Shall we go?"
She strode over and scooped him up by the armpits.
Dangling there, the sensation was oddly surreal.
"...Put me down."
"Hm, heavier than I thought. Put on weight? Since we're like this, wanna exercise with my body?"
"..."
His energy deflated before they'd even set off.