"Soooo... is he on the Epstein list?"
"Yes, he is."
"And did he giv—"
"YES... he did."
"Oh... uh... um... also like uhh was he guilty, like he—"
"STOP. I know what you're thinking... and no, surprisingly he didn't."
"Oh... uh..."
"..."
"Sooo... I'm dead?"
Well, that was awkward. But hey, I dunno what I'm supposed to do when meeting with THE ROB of all things. It's not like they prepare us for this... wait, uhh do they? Religious texts, anime, fanfics??? Ugh, whatever. Point being, I was caught off guard. It's like being caught—
"SHUT UP."
"Uh... I wasn't talking."
"I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING. STOP. Just Stop... How am I—" The being, the ROB, suddenly glows and seems to be calm down, or I think so. He looks like a blob of slime, so...
"So where were we..."
"Epstein list," I whisper.
"RIGHT... U," He ignores me... huh, rude.
and points at me, saying "DIED."
Well, duh.
"So... I'm going to heaven?"
The ROB seems to deadpan at me. How do I know? Instincts. Wait... "Uh, hell?" Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Wait, is my maths teacher there?
"Ugh, why, why am I trapped with this f—" ROB glows again.
"Fheww... right. And no, your soul is not able to move on. Before you ask, there is a conflict within your soul. As such, until you are able to resolve it, you can't... move on."
"Well, that is surprising. Wait, is it because I died before One Piece ended? Wait, so am I gonna be trapped here forever? I fall to the ground and groan.
"Ugh... wait, can you—" I peek up only to be cut off.
"No." The ROB seems to enjoy my suffering.
"So I'm gonna live with you here?"
"EW, NO." Humph, rude basta... suddenly I start getting chills. Then again, the ROB starts glowing crazy. Then it stops...
"So as I said, u have a conflict within your soul. It's a rare occurrence, but when it does happen, as with you... in which cases we usually throw your soul into the void... to be consumed by the Outsider."
Hmm... wuvt? Void? Outsider?
Eh, so who is the Insider? Ehhhh wait, I should be concerned right, RIGHT??
A tick mark appears on the ROB. Then he glows again, after which he continues: "But fortunately for u, the system was changed. We decided to adopt gentler methods to meet the new regulations."
"Ha..." I released a breadth I didn't know I was holding.
"Thus, we give u another chance. We will reincarnate you, give you a new life, where you can resolve the conflict within your soul."
"What conflict?"
"Right... so it happens when individuals fail to find meaning or fail to understand themselves. Every soul has a 'want' that the consciousness must realize, and you simply failed to," the ROB says, looking at me.
"I see..."
No, I don't. What was I supposed to understand? That my soul needed some shit? And I don't know what it is... wtf, was it the limited edition Red Bull that they give if u did crazy shit? Or some weed or shit?
"Sighs." The ROB sighs, seemingly reading my mind. Oh right, he does.
"Look, child, it's not that. This is the chance we are giving u. Live your new life and find what it is your soul wants."
"Ughhh seems like a lot of work... I donnn wanna... wait, which world will you reincarnate me into?"
"You will be reincarnated into the world of My Hero Academia."
"Sweet... can I get awesome powers too?"
"Hmm, u can make a request."
"Give me ASHBORN'S POWAAA!"
The ROB interrupts me, saying: "But nothing overpowered...", seemingly amused looking at my scrunched-up expression... sadist.
"Sooo how about Gojo Sa—"
"Nope."
"Rimuru?"
"Naa."
"Ugh, I give up. You give me options," I say, pointing at the ROB/BLOB. Heh, BLOB.
The ROB just deadpans at me and says: "I will simplify it for you. So, here is a wheel with multiple options. Whichever one it lands on, that's the power u will get."
"Oh, cool," I say.
Then, a literal wheel with multiple options just summons itself in front of me. Then the blob... urgh, I mean ROB, slides the wheel with one of its slimy appendages.
The wheel rotates... time seems to still. Finally, the wheel starts to slow down. Powers like Boogie Woogie, Four Arms from Ben 10, the Ramen Guy from Naruto... I knew it. Ugh, the Sage of Boink... somehow, there was a picture of a dog with a baseball bat that came to my mind. L's mind from Death Note, Toji power, Godzilla, Winter Soldie—wait wuvt? Godzilla? GOD FUCKING ZILLA? Who…how…aww it missed, nvm.
Finally, the dial falls on Rex Splode... hmmm.
A tear leaves my eye. My glorious king... RIP.
"Uh, it's not bad, buttt Godzilla mannnnnn, I could've f—"
"It can't be changed. So since that's done, let's send you on your way."
"Wait... matte... matte... can I have like an extra pow—"
"No."
"Uh... a blessing?"
"Blessing?"
"Ya, can you add…like strengthen or boost the power?"
"Hmm... we agree... ok, so then on your way."
"Wait... will I have my memories?"
"Nope."
"Aww man, whyyyyyyy, pls ROB plzzzzzz."
The ROB gives me a look... huh, is it pity?
"It's not that we can't, but retaining your memory of that world does come with a price."
"Oh, no problemo, I accept the price."
"Ugh, you were not loved as a child, were you?" the ROB says.
"Huh, whad ya sayy??"
"Never mind. As long as you are fine with it, NOW TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE!"
The ROB says as the place glows brighter and brighter and then...
"...meow."
AND I FALL.
"Ahhhhhhh... oh, bye robbbb... ahhhhh."
After the soul leaves, the ROB mutters: "May you find meaning in this life... however short it may be," he mutters the last part.