It was the night before the wedding and I was sitting on the couch watching TV alone, trying not to lose my shit. Everything hurt. It didn't help that Stacy had spent most of the last three days either with Tessa and Toni or making preparations for Jeff to receive the intel he needed to audit Don Angelo's favorite company. All while I was being babysat, courtesy of Stacy and Jeff. A squad car was parked out front. When I did go out, they followed.
She said she was working on something with Tessa and Toni to strengthen her bluff, like that was enough to excuse her absence when she might be walking out of my life tomorrow. It already felt like she was gone.
"Hey," she said into my ear, startling me. "I'm home. Want to hang out?"
I was so in my own head, I didn't even hear her come through the door. I wanted to lash out, to bring up all the reasons why I didn't fucking want to be near her. After ghosting me for three days, she suddenly thought I was worth her time? It took everything in me not to bring up how she was essentially throwing herself to the wolves. When she herself didn't think she could pull off the bluff, how did she expect me to be okay with this?
Instead I just responded with a feeble, "No thanks. Going to bed" and got up to walk away.
"We have barely seen each other for three days. Don't you miss me?" she asked in a small voice.
Again, I had a scathing retort for her about how she was the one that made that happen, not me.
You left me I wanted to yell at her.
Instead I said, "Of course I do. What do you want to do?"
The words you treated our relationship like a mistake for six months went round and round in my head for the umpteenth time.
If even a small part of her really felt that way, I just couldn't bring myself to give her more reason to think that that's what she was to me. Especially when this could be our last night together.
Even with my back still turned to her, I could feel her nervous energy.
"Take me on a date? You know, as your girlfriend. Our first official date," she said, sounding skittish.
Under normal circumstances, I would have found this adorable. Now all I could think was was it this easy for her to walk away because I fucked up six months ago? Stacy Kendrick never should have had to beg me for a date or to be her boyfriend. Not her. Never her.
"Let me make a call and then we'll go," I said, throwing her a strained smile over my shoulder.
"Great," she said, with genuine excitement and relief in her voice.
She left for the bedroom while I called Kenny.
"What's up, buddy?" Kenny asked, answering the phone.
"Hi Scott," Marlene called out from somewhere in the background.
"I actually called to talk to Marlene. I need a favour. That okay?" I asked, trying hard to keep the devastation out of my voice.
"Sure. One sec. Babe, it's for you," said Kenny.
I heard them go back and forth, having a lover's tiff about who was responsible for burning dinner. The moment was bittersweet. I envied them so much. Was this how Stacy felt watching them together the night I said I didn't want her to be my girlfriend?
Finally, Marlene picked up the phone.
"Hey Scott. What do you need?" she asked.
"Stacy's a bit bummed about not going to Vermont," I said, and this time I knew my voice was giving me away. "Can you—"
"I'm all over it," she said, no questions asked, ever the people pleaser. "Anything for you guys."
"Dude, are you sure that's it? Are you guys okay?" Kenny asked, concerned.
We really weren't. The question broke something in me and I felt a tear drop on my cheek. I hadn't seen one of those since the first time I found Jeff humping Melissa's brains out in the laundry room.
"First fight," I said, not elaborating.
I'm not even sure that's the right word for what happened between us. Fighting takes two people. She just withdrew from me.
"That's tough, but you're Stacy and Scott. It'll be fine man," said Kenny, sensing that I didn't want to talk about it.
"Well, you called the right people. No one kisses ass like me," said Marlene.
"Bet," said Kenny and I heard the distinct sound of his hand slapping hers.
It warmed my heart to know that Kenny had finally found his Lily to share high fives with.
She proceeded to give me instructions for the rest of the evening, asking me questions as needed. When she was done, Kenny chimed in with, "Whatever happened, she's right and you're sorry. Never fails."
I chuckled and said, "Thanks guys. It means a lot. Good night."
"Good night and good luck," they said together and the call ended.
I had a few minutes to get it together before Stacy walked out of the bedroom in an olive green dress. It was my favorite thing on her. She wore it on our first unofficial date after we got together. I can't believe I'm now separating our dates into official and unofficial. Everything about us being whatever the fuck we were for the last six months was now triggering to me.
"You look beautiful. You're always beautiful," I said, holding my hand out to her.
"Thanks," she said, beaming at me as she took my hand in hers.
I told her this was only happening if we could ditch the feds by going out through the fire escape and catching a cab, as I didn't feel like being stalked all night. After some reluctance, she agreed.
She refused to give up the small show of intimacy of holding my hand, reclaiming it right after we got into the cab and then again when we got to the hotel selected for us by Marlene.
"So you called Marlene," she said, calling me out once we were seated at the hotel's restaurant for dinner.
"Who else do you know that could get you into a place like this at such short notice?" I said, my eyes fixated on her hand in mine on the table.
"Respect," she said with a dazzling smile, charmed anyway.
There was this buzz of unrelenting anticipation in the air. The intimate nature of our relationship meant I shouldn't be nervous around her and yet, I was. Everything was familiar and yet somehow not.
I tried to recall when we started holding hands, but it was so a part of interacting with her that I never paid much attention to it before. There was nothing different about what we were doing and yet somehow it seemed more significant now. This feeling was foreign to me. Had I been keeping her from some special vibe that's supposed to be associated with being someone's girlfriend?
When she saw me staring at our hands, she tried to pull away. Obviously I didn't let her. Instead, I linked our fingers together and finally looked up at her. I knew that look. Hopeful. Excited. Nervous. All wrapped up into one, giving you this phenomenal high. Even though I had never felt it before, I knew women had felt it while being with me. I so desperately wanted to be a part of it, that I just went with it, hoping I would someday feel the way I felt now. Being with her. Six months and she never got to have this night, this charged atmosphere of brand new love, with me.
After the waitress came to take our drink orders, Stacy sat back in her chair and glared at the woman.
"Someone has their eye on you," she said with an evil smirk, staring at our waitress as she went from table to table.
I didn't want to look anywhere but at her. The air between us felt different than usual. Like she was a new girl that I was supposed to work to impress. I wanted her to like me so badly, even though she'd already said she loved me. After everything that has happened since, that felt like a million years ago.
"The wai
tress does not have the hots for me, Stace. She doesn't even know me," I said, but Stacy was adamant.