Zesus came strutting across the water like he owned the Sea of Galilee.
"It's a miracle, you see!" he announced, chin high. "I can walk on water. I've blessed it."
Irisis didn't even hesitate — she grabbed a stone and chunked it at him.
"Blessed?" she snapped. "You didn't bless the water — you cursed it!"
Zesus dodged the next rock, offended. "What? Nobody can drown now. Nobody can die! You're welcome!"
"That's the problem, genius!" Irisis barked. "You dumped so much salt into the sea that it's not water anymore — it's brine with an ego! We can't drink it, nothing can live in it, and the fish have evacuated like you're a biblical oil spill!"
"You are the salt of the earth," Zesus said solemnly, "but if the salt loses its taste, what good is it? It is thrown out, trampled underfoot, and good for nothing. I'm the savour—without me, where shall the earth be salted?"
"Yeah, well," Irisis sneered, "salt isn't so great when you dump enough of it to poison the seas. You've turned the water into a toxic brine no one can drink—so you can play miracle tourist walking on top of death. Congrats on the apocalypse, salt king."
She spat into the waves. "Salt isn't preservation—it's corrosion. And you've crowned yourself king of rot."
Zesus puffed his chest. "How dare you question me? I make the finest wine—miracle vintage, heaven-aged!"
Irisis laughed bitterly. "You forget how many people died of your miracle vintage. That's why nobody wants you at their parties—your wine tastes like poison dressed as salvation."
Zesus protested, "It was a miracle—ordinary water becoming wine!"
Irisis cut him off. "No miracle. Just yeast and three days of fermentation. You're not a saviour—you're a brewer with delusions of grandeur."
"The best wine was saved for last," he bragged.
"Exactly," Irisis said, voice sharp. "Because the best wine takes the longest to rot in the sun."
"It would have been embarrassing at the wedding in Cana to run out."
"You forget," Irisis said, eyes narrow, "there was a reason the water stayed water. People were already having too much of a good thing."
"My wine wasn't cheap."
"It's one thing for you to call it expensive. You didn't ask for my opinion when I drank it! I spat it out—my head was spinning from how strong the alcohol was. Honestly, if it was stronger half the guests would've needed resurrecting before dessert!"
"I saved Peter's life when he walked on water."
Irisis smirked. "You forget—Peter didn't need saving. He sank because he didn't understand the science of floating, not because of a lack of faith."
"It was a MIRACLE, being able to walk on water!" Zesus thundered.
Irisis's eyes narrowed. "No miracle. The wind shoved him off balance — that's why he sank. You didn't save him; you just grabbed a drowning man and called it glory."
"You can't walk on water," Zesus bragged.
"Which is good," Irisis smirked. "I live in a world where water is life, not a stage for vanity. You walked across the Sea of Galilee, but you confuse display with salvation — that is not the path of GOD."
"Salt is good," Zesus muttered.
"In moderation," Irisis snapped. "When the sea can stand up on its own, we've passed moderation."
"I'm your salvation."
"You're the seasoning that burns my wounds. I will not crown myself with a thorn of roses. Lolita is the serpent of thorns. The snake that deceived Adam is the same crown you'll wear as suffering."
Zesus faltered. "Your soul won't be saved…"
"I refuse salvation served with sodium. Because everything that floats dies — and I refuse to drown on the surface."
"GOD loved the world so much that he gave his only son." Zesus remarked.
"No. GOD gave the world a curse. Too much of it corrodes, too much of it kills. Your salt is not love — it is rot. Learn to live in water, Zesus, instead of walking over it. Only then can the earth taste life, not bitterness."
"The Son of GOD is born holy from the Holy Spirit."
Irisis's voice cut through the waves. "Holiness becomes poison when poured without measure. You forget that miracles without purpose can drown what they claim to save."
Zesus trembled. "You will not be saved without me."
Irisis stepped closer, voice like iron. "No. I'll be saved only to perish on the same water you walked on. That water is not seasoned — it's spoiled. And salvation that floats is just death waiting to sink."
Zesus faltered. "At Cana, the wine wasn't good on the first day."
Irisis's laugh was bitter. "Because it had not yet rotted in the sun. You bragged yours was better, but it was only because it fermented longer — more bitterness, more poison. You call that goodness, but it is only decay dressed as grace."
"My suffering was for the good of mankind," Zesus protested.
"Your suffering?" Irisis spat, voice like steel. "The salt in the water did not heal your wounds but poisoned the world further."
Zesus's voice broke. "The Lord carried you, as a father carries his son. Your footprints were not seen."
Irisis's eyes blazed. "My footprints were not seen because my voice was not heard. You poisoned me with your drug, Zesus — that is why I was carried. Not in love, but in silence."
Her voice cut deeper. "Mary poured her expensive perfume on your feet, thinking it was devotion. But it was the same poison — washing away the sand, erasing her memory. You turned her offering into rot, her fragrance into silence. What she gave in love, you twisted into forgetting."
"The woman was sinful it was her way of washing away her sins!"
Her voice cut like iron. "That is why the serpent of thorns made you bleed when you were crowned. Not as sacrifice, but as judgment. Your suffering was never for mankind — it was the world bleeding back against your poison."
Zesus raised his hand. "Everyone who drinks my water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst."
Irisis's eyes blazed. "They will never thirst again — because you are the salt that poisoned the water. You promise living water, but deliver brine. The world drowns in your miracle."
He pointed upward. "The water sparkles in the sky — I'm your saving grace!"
Irisis's voice was cold, unyielding. "Grace does not sparkle. You will learn the cruelty of nature: too much of a good thing turns against itself. Excess becomes poison, and what shines will devour its own light."
Zesus faltered. "Are you judging me for walking on water?"
Irisis's voice was cold, unyielding. "I am judging you for how you treated women. You expect them to drink your salt and call it devotion, but they taste only corrosion. There is no salvation in drinking the sweat from your skin. On your judgement day, you'll wear a crown of Lolita's thorns — because it is a sin to steal her, and a greater sin to call her sinful."
Zesus cried out, "She is the poison that turned Adam against GOD!"
Irisis answered, her voice low and sharp,
"Yes — but without poison, the serpent would be harmless, and no disease could ever be cured. Only when the sick die does the poison reveal what festers in the wound."
"The serpent lives on poison?" Zesus asked.
"Yes," Irisis said. "It is the same poison that can heal or destroy — like the salt in the water. Too much is death to the body, but too little is death as well. Balance is life, Zesus. Excess is ruin. And your life has been nothing but excess — of wine, of women, and of salt. You reck of perfume, and demanding affection as if it was owe leaving you behind with rot. That is the meaning of loving something too much: devotion twisted into decay."
"Will you kiss my feet for a blessing if I carried you?"
"I will not kiss the feet of a sinner. As Lolita was stolen, she has no voice while you carried her."
"The gates of heaven opened during my baptism," Zesus protested.
"No," Irisis said. "Your eyes were just burning from the brine."
Zesus gasped, horrified. "So… why do you throw stones at me?"
Irisis crossed her arms.
"To keep you from seasoning anything else."
"You are not without sin; you cannot throw a stone at me," Zesus said softly.
"No," Irisis said, lifting a stone. She let it fly. "You are not the decider of what is sin, Zesus. Only GOD judges. I remind the living not to glorify themselves with miracles that blind and sting."
Zesus caught her gaze, calm but firm. "I do not come to condemn, but to call to repentance."
Irisis smirked. "Repentance is fine. Pride… not so much. And you wear it like a crown, even above the brine."
Zesus puffed his chest. "You'll rejoice after three days, after my burial, to see me."
Irisis's voice was iron. "Three days? That's how long it takes for water to ferment into wine — the same wine that poisoned your wedding guests. You call it resurrection; I call it rot."
Zesus protested. "GOD chose me to rise again. I had to walk on water to save Peter's life—"
Irisis smirked, her words like salt on a wound. "No. You should have taught him to swim. Instead, your so-called miracle starved the fish in the Dead Sea. You didn't save life, Zesus — you suffocated it."
"I came back to life—"
Irisis's voice was cold, unyielding. "You resurrected the Dead Sea, Zesus — not to redeem it, but to remind us that some things should never be brought back. Not every death deserves revival. Some rot must remain buried. Remember the dinosaurs? Creatures too vast for the earth, starved by their own pride. You walk beside waters too old for their own good—seas that drain life instead of giving it."
Zesus protested, "The Bible doesn't mention dinosaurs—"
Irisis's eyes narrowed. "People didn't know they existed, nor did they know of volka. Yet here you are, turning water into your so-called wine, thinking miracles can mask poison. You are not above science, Zesus. Science explains the yeast, the fermentation, the chemical decay you call divine intervention."
Zesus raised his voice. "It is I. Don't be afraid!"
"Honestly," Irisis said, crossing her arms, "the Bible is poorly written. Who are 'they'? Which friends? Can't you be specific? If I wrote it, it would make sense!"
Zesus gasped. "The Bible is holy! You can't question it!"
"Well," Irisis said, smirking, "if I wrote it, it'd be better than your friends. Too vague, too confusing. You call it sacred, I call it sloppy storytelling."
"The Bible has no mistakes in it!" Zesus protested.
"Oh, really?" Irisis tilted her head. "There are plenty. So many I've lost count. For instance, who exactly invited you to the wedding at Cana? That's the problem — the story pretends we should know, but it leaves us guessing."
Zesus blinked, searching for a rebuttal.
"And don't get me started on the resurrection," Irisis continued, voice like iron. "Three days, a sealed tomb, an angel, women first at the scene — convenient, yes, but inconsistent. One story says one angel, another says two. You call that sacred; I call it plot holes in holy disguise."
"The disciples were busy following me!" Zesus protested. "They didn't have time to rewrite history or perfect every word!"
"Following you isn't a free pass to bad writing," Irisis snapped. "If the resurrection is the headline, at least get the copy straight: one angel here, two angels there, women first at the scene — convenient, yes, but inconsistent. If miracles can raise the dead, they can proofread."
"You can't mock a sacred text!"
"Oh, I can mock it!" Irisis said, voice sharp and cold. "When it's the most popular book on Earth! I think the Bible is overrated — all flash, minimal clarity, and far too much divine vagueness for anyone to follow without scratching their heads."
"It is good writing! Details weren't needed to be mentioned!"
"For a book that's sacred, I expected more thought. Instead, it reads like someone got drunk on volka and decided to wing it. Tell me, how much wine did your disciples have at the Cana wedding before they decided to write the book?"
"My disciples were chosen by GOD to follow me!"
"And how they put up with you is beyond me! I bet that woman was crying while washing your feet—probably because of how badly you stank!"
"I'm the chosen one! I do not smell bad!"
"Nowhere in the Bible does it mention that you ever showered or brushed your teeth! Maybe that's why you never had a girlfriend—no one could stand to be around you. Divine charisma only goes so far."
"I used to kiss Mary Magdalene — on the mouth!" Zesus protested.
"That's from dusty scrolls, not from the Bible. Probably someone scribbled that after too many fermented figs — so it doesn't count as scripture. What's next, a foot washing confession after midnight?"
"Mary kissed me on the feet!" Zesus cried.
"Which Mary — your mother Mary, your sister Mary, Aunt Mary of Cleopas? Because with all those Marys floating around, you're either messing around with relatives… or you've got identity issues. Yikes."
"Absurd! Mary was one of my devotee followers!"
"Madonna and Child paintings — Mary cradling a baby with haunted eyes. Maybe those babies weren't celebrations. Maybe they were warnings. The silence of scripture speaks louder than the brushstrokes."
"How dare you accuse me of incest!" he thundered.
"But aren't you the Son of GOD, right? Your mom Mary was supposed to be a virgin. So, technically, sleeping around with Mary wouldn't have count — you're too holy for genetics."
"I never had children in the bible!" Zesus protested.
"There's no record in the Good Book of you ever fathering children! Joseph might be called your father on Earth — but that's legal, not blood. So really, who says your sister wasn't off limits?"
"Mary didn't kiss me! We weren't that close!"
"A moment ago, you claimed Mary used to kiss you on the mouth — can't have it both ways, Zesus. Maybe if the Good Book had more soap and hygiene chapters, we wouldn't end up with this mess of dirty rumours and sweaty theology."
"Your just jealous you weren't in the bible!" Zesus snapped.
"That's because you didn't like me back then! Not after I complained you'd ruined the party with that awful wine!"
"My wine was better!"
"You didn't even drink it — how would you know? Probably you were too drunk to taste anything anymore!"
"I never got drunk in the bible!"
"You are in denial of your alcoholism! You said you only drank in moderations but you never say how much is too much!"
"You are too critical of me!"
"I'm just saying what I think — after reading the Bible. Isn't the Bible supposed to be open to interpretation?"
"Your interpretation isn't welcome — you cast me in a dark shadow!"
"Zesus — you need to grow up. You weren't perfect — far from it — and the Bible itself is a shining example of that."
"I perform miracles by curing the sick!"
"You healed people in Jerusalem — a city supplied by fresh springs and aqueducts, not salt sea. Even then, the real miracle would've been staying alive long enough to need healing."
"I stayed away from your land — it doesn't bow to salt water spectacle."
"Great lakes give us real water, not holy smoke and empty promises."
"GOD gave me special healing powers that's how I know I was the chosen one!"
"Granting superpowers is a crime against nature—it breeds laziness. Why shear the wool from a sheep when you can stay warm without it? People suffer so they learn they cannot survive without the wool that keeps them alive at night. A world without suffering is more painful than one with it. You were NOT created to act like you're better than EVERYONE else, claiming GOD's favour as if you've got a VIP pass to heaven's backstage. Nobody's created that way—not even in the director's cut."
"I believe in equality-"
"You do NOT! No human is born with divine powers to enforce morality or heal by touch. Claiming otherwise only perpetuates harm."
"What harms does it bring?"
"Diseases. When you claim someone is 'blessed' just by touching or kissing you, you encourage behaviour that can spread illness."
"But I was fine. It was her blessing! If GOD wanted me to suffer, I would have."
"You're not hearing me. You called her sinful, then called her 'blessed' for kissing your feet. That's a contradiction. You set rules about sin based on your own body, implying her worth depends on submission. She did not need to wash your feet with her tears — you needed to take responsibility for yourself. You were not born with healing powers; you misused authority, and that is what causes harm."
"Is my body not a gift from GOD?"
"All bodies are gifts. But how you use yours is free will, not divine decree."
"Too much free will is dangerous!"
"And no free will is worse. Claiming everyone must obey you because GOD speaks only to you is sinful. GOD speaks to all—it's only a matter of whether they listen."
"GOD does speak to me-"
"No. You drown out GOD's voice by declaring yourself a messiah. How the disciples ever convinced themselves you were anything more than human is beyond me!"
"Why are you angry with me?"
"Because you walked on the Dead Sea and called it a 'miracle!' You defied the laws of physics, so now its salt burns down your throat and convulses your body."
"Why do you want people to suffer?"
"Because GOD is not happy, watching people stroll across water as if it were grass! Salt water is not ice—ice is born of temperature, but the Dead Sea is born of salt. Everything is created with balance! Too much goodness will turn against you! Water with too much buoyancy will turn your stomach, for it cannot sink. On judgment day, the water will burn your wounds, not heal them."
"What am I being judged for?"
"Your sweat cannot cleanse the sins of others—That's why GOD has forsaken you."
"Joseph isn't my dad! GOD is! I can't be disowned!"
"GOD is not your parent. GOD blessed you with Joseph as your father, and you rejected him."
"NO! I'm GOD son!"
"GOD belongs to no one. GOD is too divine to be 'owned.' Whatever made you think you belong to GOD?'
"GOD made my mother pregnant!"
"GOD created people to create among themselves. GOD does not intervene by promising women they are 'chosen'—creation is not built on favouritism. GOD does not force pregnancy on women because it violates free will. GOD believes in free will, which is why He has no son.
"I was chosen by GOD-"
"You were chosen to die on the cross for claiming to be a 'Messiah.' Christians wear crosses to remind themselves of the sin you have committed."
"GOD needed me to open the gates of heaven—"
"GOD has no children! GOD created people to reproduce, so He would not be lonely and be happy. GOD weeps when people squander their gifts and destroy their bodies. That's why our bodies are to be treated like a temple!"
"GOD can perform miracles—angels have blessed women to conceive!"
"GOD does not perform miracles. GOD believes in tough love. The human race survives not by divine intervention, but by enduring the mistakes of others."
"GOD wants people to remain upon the earth—"
"That is not true! GOD created the dinosaurs and called it trial and error. Some creatures were not as 'good' as GOD imagined, and so they passed away. Which is why people found dinosaurs bones."
"GOD doesn't make creation mistakes-"
"How else would GOD know what a mistake is, without test-driving it and crashing it? That is why Tyrannosaurus had to vanish. GOD foresaw that humanity would laugh at Him for thinking such a beast was a 'good' idea."
"GOD has no bad ideas."
"No. Fossils prove otherwise. They show that GOD had to make better creatures if life was to endure upon the earth. So, GOD sent a meteor to strike the earth, so that creation might begin again with a fresh start."
"How do you know Tyrannosaurus was a bad idea?"
"Because GOD refuses to resurrect creatures, lest it be mocked by the people."
"GOD is perfected—"
"Perfection is not solitude. GOD knew humanity would miss His mishaps, yet He did not wish animals to suffer. So, he reshaped creation, designing creatures with better bodies."
"GOD makes no mistakes when creating-"
"GOD foresaw that a smart-tongued child would be born, laughing at His creations, saying, 'I told you so! This animal was a bad idea!' GOD does not enjoy being told so."
"Why would someone say I told you so?"
"Because it should have been common sense. No offense to GOD—but that is why He did not want me to uncover its bones. GOD knew I would find the creature impressive, yet He also feared the question: what ethic surrounds a GOD who calls this His best design? GOD blamed His failed creations on evolution, saying the animals were not clever enough to adapt to the climate. Yet the truth remains: why so many extinctions? Why could GOD not get it right the first time? Certain creatures would be angry at GOD for bringing them back to life, as they would be trapped inside a body that only caused them suffering. So, GOD promised that some creatures would remain extinct—and the animals rejoiced."
"But the animals existed for millions of years-"
"Yes, but without human intervention, they suffered from diseases and parasites without any treatment. So, they missed people, even though they did not know what people were—just as GOD misses people."
"Why did GOD created death if he misses people?"
"Because the human body is a rental unit with poor climate control. People, like animals, fail to update their firmware. So they expire—only to be rebooted in someone else's skin, with no memory and worse instincts. GOD loves testing humanity. He keeps increasing Earth's difficulty settings. Caves don't comfort people anymore—animals need the space, and they're better at surviving than we ever were.'
"GOD is not sterile how else would people exist?"
"GOD is sterile. GOD knew creating children would be unhealthy for the universe, so He commanded people to reproduce. Forcing GOD to have children would be a sin—it would break the order He set."
"That's not true. Not if I'm His son—"
"If GOD had a child of His own, that child would be favoured by default. It would make every other parent's suffering—and every other child's struggle—unfair."
"You don't believe I'm GOD's son but Joseph?"
"GOD was not born and cannot give birth. People did not create Him. All He can do is bless humans with the power to reproduce."
"How does GOD exist, then?"
"Because people needed GOD. Only GOD could create humans capable of walking the Earth."
"GOD is my father-"
"GOD is a parent to no one. People could not survive without loving each other, so GOD wanted them to love Him in return—after all, what is there to love if people do not exist? GOD's purpose was to create humans so they could love one another, and the children they would bring into the world."
"People can survive without love—"
"No, they cannot. Without love, people would only kill each other and never show any affection. People would only take care of themselves, as they would perceive people as a threat to their survival."
"People do not compete with each other for food-"
"They do. GOD can only bless the Earth with so much. So GOD does not intervene when there isn't enough food to sustain humanity."
"But that's cruel-"
"There's no world without cruelty, because humans would overpopulate the Earth and take too much food from the animals. Yet without the animals, people would starve. A person in the tundra cannot survive on fresh fruit—it does not grow there, and they must rely on animals for sustenance."
"GOD hates people suffering-"
"GOD hates all suffering. Plants would go extinct if humans consumed too many of them, so GOD created poisonous plants—both to endure the wild and to heal human wounds. Without suffering, they cannot survive; people must ache so the plants may live. You'll be crowned with thorns, a reminder that your 'divine' intervention is not salvation but a threat— to the survival of plants, and thus to humanity itself."
"I'm not a threat-"
"Indeed, you're! If healing comes from your touch, then what purpose remains for the plants? GOD created the Potinous Plate—to stand as witness on your judgment day."
"GOD wants me to perform miracles—"
"Laws of humanity do not exist—"
"Indeed, they do! Without them, equality would vanish. Humans would turn against GOD for favouring some above others. GOD created humans in equality, so they would not have depended on your resurrection."
"GOD wants people to love each other-"
"That's true! But it is a sin against GOD to create people whose sweat cures illness. By calling yourself His son, you exploit the weak—those who cannot resist you because you claim to be their cure. GOD has no children: so none may take advantage in His name."
"GOD created men first—"
"GOD does not care who came first, but who endures. Without women, men will perish, and the generations will end. GOD does not rejoice in a world without survival."