17. I will not forget you (1)
The face of the person asking if I'm dying is quite indifferent. It's surprising that one can discuss someone's death with such an indifferent face.
You know, Arwin. Despite that, I find that indifference of yours so good.
I smiled small, looking at Arwin asking about my death nonchalantly.
"People are bound to die someday."
People are bound to die someday, but one cannot know when one will die. I answered with a general fact. I didn't want to confess my death to him.
Suddenly, a question arose about when Arwin would die. Strangely, the word death didn't suit him at all.
He felt like a person aloof from death.
"Iphoe Bell."
Arwin called my name. Languidly as always. A little leisurely.
"Yes?"
"I will not forget you."
He spoke as if making a promise. That voice sounded more ecstatic than any other time.
"Seeing the coffin, I remembered what you said before. You said remembering your name is remembering you forever."
"That's right."
"I wished for your tears to become meaningless, but my heart ached at your tears I saw in the garden. I think those are meaningful tears."
I couldn't quite believe the fact that Arwin remembered what I said. Furthermore, I couldn't believe he was heartbroken by my tears.
Expectation rushed in like a wave again and knocked on my heart. My heart trembled immensely.
"I wish you wouldn't cry."
"...."
"I will remember your name."
I also wish I wouldn't cry, but my tear ducts were already firmly broken. Even if a person who can fix everything comes, to the extent that only my tear ducts can absolutely never be fixed.
Peering intently into Arwin's face, feeling the uncontrollably growing flutter, I spoke familiarly to him.
"I want to kiss you."
Instead of answering, he cupped my cheek. Then he brought his lips to the corner of my eye, not my lips. He kissed as if sealing my broken tear ducts.
Arwin withdrew his lips soon and swept the corner of my eye with his fingertip. following the stream of consciousness, I asked him.
"Can I come to see you tonight?"
"If you want."
I recalled Dalton, who suggested we spend tonight together.
I'm sorry, Dalton.
I felt I couldn't keep the promise with him.
When dragging the coffin to my room, such a thought occurred.
Why is it this heavy?
I barely moved that coffin to my room with the help of another maid. When I opened the coffin lid, the answer existed inside.
"Natural organic soap."
It was heavy because soap filled the coffin. It was a tremendous amount that I couldn't use up even if I used it until I died.
With what thought did Dalton order this much soap?
I picked up a soap and smelled it for a long time. It smelled as good as the oil I possess.
And I washed my hands for a very long time. So that the smell could dye my fingertips.
I looked for Dalton with hands full of soap scent. I had to tell Dalton the fact that I couldn't be with him tonight.
But he wasn't visible. He wasn't in his room, nor in the garden. In a word, he was nowhere to be found.
Where did he go? Did he move places with the maid I saw during the day? The thought occurred that maybe because the night with me, where we would only hug and sleep, wasn't satisfying, he might have done so. If so, that would be better.
Giving up on finding Dalton, I went to Arwin.
Embraced in Arwin's arms, which didn't have a single welcoming word, I kissed him. The breath of Arwin, who had an expressionless face, was only hot.
We spent a long night touching and caressing each other with touches more familiar than yesterday. The only conversation shared during the long night was the conversation of the body.
Engraving tonight, which will be remembered for a long time, on my body, I remembered his scent today. I wanted him to remember my soap scent too.
Even if seasons change and change again, I hoped that scent would remain engraved on his body forever like a wound that doesn't heal.
There was a sound waking deep sleep. It was the sound of rain.
I slightly detached my body, which was held by Arwin, and raised my upper body. Looking at the window, raindrops were flowing down like tears on the glass of the window.
It wasn't raining that much. It was a light rainfall likely to stop sooner or later. The day was clearly bright, but dark clouds filling the sky were blocking the path of light without gaps.
I unconsciously recalled Dalton's storm. Surely, he isn't angry at me for making him wait.
It was clearly my fault for not explaining the circumstances to him. However, I had gone to find him, and at that time, it was Dalton who wasn't there. At least I had one excuse.
I wished Dalton wasn't angry. It was a wish that the light rainfall falling now had nothing to do with Dalton.
I watched the raining scene for a while. It was rain no different from what I always saw, but strangely, I didn't get tired of it.
I thought it might be because there is Arwin sleeping next to me. The existence called Arwin made an ordinary scene special.
It was then that I felt the feeling of my heart creaking.
It felt as if a blood vessel connected to the heart was twisting bizarrely. Soon, breathing became a little difficult. It was a respiratory disorder I experienced occasionally.
I took deep breaths calmly with my eyebrows furrowed. My chest was noticeably inflating and deflating.
"...Does it hurt?"
Arwin's voice, seemingly awake before I knew it, was heard. He was looking up at me while still lying in bed. I answered him slowly.
"I can't breathe."
"Why?"
He asked back as if he couldn't understand. I lay down on the bed and dug into his embrace.
"Just hug me. Then it will be okay soon."
Arwin hugged me quietly. Closing my eyes tight, I thought of the worm gnawing at my heart.
Paying attention, the movement of the worm was felt. It was gnawing at my heart soundlessly. Very little by little, little by little. Then someday, it will gnaw it all away.
On the day that happens, wouldn't I be laid in the brown coffin? How many soaps can I use until then? The thought even occurred whether the soaps I couldn't use, replacing lavender, would be placed by my side.
If natural organic soaps guard my side... it doesn't seem too bad. Whatever it was, a good smell was always right. Whether it became lavender or natural organic soap.
While thinking useless thoughts, my breathing started to find its original trajectory without me knowing since when.
I feel the movement of the worm slowing down. Whether the guy gnawed at the heart enough to fill its stomach, it disappeared somewhere cleanly.
Where did it disappear to?
"Are you okay?"
Arwin asked, feeling my breathing become like usual.
"Yes."
"Are you originally like this?"
"Yes, I used to not be able to breathe well occasionally since I was very young."
"That's something even a handkerchief can't do anything about."
I lifted my head buried in Arwin's chest and looked up at him.
Whether he had been looking at me from earlier, our eyes met at once. His black eyes looked even blacker today.
"But if I had one more of your handkerchiefs, I think my mood would get better."
"I can give you as many of those as you want. It's nothing much."
You wouldn't know how big of a meaning a handkerchief, which is nothing much to you, is to me.
I suddenly became curious if there was a meaningful object to Arwin too.
"What is meaningful to you?"
"The second heart. That heart grieving your tears."
Arwin kissed me as if telling me not to ask anymore. He made my breath short again, but I didn't want to escape from him.
As the kiss grew longer, the sound of rain was becoming thicker.
The rain that seemed likely to stop soon didn't stop even when afternoon came. Having finished all the work I had to do in the morning, I had a brief time to rest.
I was resting my chin on the windowsill wanting to admire the raining scene. Then, I discover a bright light standing out in Arwin's garden, which was dyed foggily by rainfall.
It was Dalton's blond hair.
Dalton was standing soaked to the bone without using anything. That appearance overlapped with his appearance at the masquerade ball.
What happened? Did someone look down on his love again? I left the room without hesitation.
Holding an umbrella, I walked to the entrance of the garden where he was standing. Although I approached close enough for my voice to reach, Dalton didn't look toward me. Even though he felt my presence.
"What are you doing! You're all wet."
I covered his head with the umbrella I was holding. Only then did Dalton's gaze touch me.
"Forget it, don't mind me. I don't need any of this."
"Are you angry?"
"No."
He said he wasn't angry while wearing a face angrier than anyone else.
Thinking about it, it was clear God gave him the special ability called magic but gave him a handicap of not being able to lie.
"I'm sorry."
Although I couldn't know what made him angry, I had a premonition that it was likely because of me. But what's with getting hit by the rain? Is he trying to protest or something?
While sighing at his child-like attitude, I couldn't shake off the feeling of pity arising for no reason.
"Why are you sorry?"
"...."
"Were you with Arwin last night?"
Dalton asked accusingly. Rainwater resembling tears was flowing down his cheeks.
"Yes."
"Was it good?"
"...Yes."
"More than me?"
"...We didn't do anything though."
"Damn it, I am confident."
"...."
He spoke as if it wasn't a joke. Perhaps his words might be true. Isn't he the libertine Dalton Racers, after all?
I swept his cheek with the other hand not holding the umbrella. His body temperature touching my fingertips was cold.
"Did you wait?"
Even to my ears, it was a sweet voice, so I was a little surprised. To speak so sweetly to Dalton.
Dalton laid out words unrelated to the question I asked.
"...It felt strange."
"Were you sad?"
"No."
Dalton's face saying no looked bitter. This time, he was saying he wasn't sad with a sad face.
I put down the umbrella I was holding on the ground. The moderately falling rain wet my head and soon wet my shoulders completely too.
The feeling of getting wet wasn't that bad.
"I will get hit by the rain together too."
I smiled weakly and shrugged my shoulders. It was a bluff that this much rain was nothing.
Dalton's face looking at me placed defenselessly in the rain became darker than dark clouds. Dalton's attitude seeing me stained with rainwater to an irrevocable extent was like that.
He got angry
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