Chapter 1: What Will You Do Now, James?
"Come on, gather your papers and get out of my office. Now."
Those words were enough to tear apart what remained of my pride. Spoken by that middle-aged manager under whom I had worked for years, they were laced with such open disgust that he did not even bother to hide it.
"Alright… alright."
That was all I managed to say, forcing a faint smile despite the deep sorrow crushing my chest.
I was the kind of man who hid his pain and disappointments behind a fake smile, always trying to convince myself that nothing was worth worrying about, and that everything would somehow be fine in the end.
I picked up a cardboard box filled to the brim with papers from the years I had spent working, papers that had suddenly become worthless, and headed toward the door.
Every step I took out of that office felt like a cold stab to my soul.When I reached the outside of the company building, I stopped and looked around.
On my right was a large garbage container.Without a moment of hesitation, I walked toward it and threw the entire box inside, memories, achievements and all, in a symbolic gesture to end everything.
After emptying the box, I clapped my hands together to brush off the dust, as though trying to wipe away the dust of all the past years.
"What a day…" I muttered bitterly. "Looks like tomorrow will be worse."
I began walking home with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
When I opened the door to my apartment, I was greeted by a foul familiar smell, something between dampness and rotting food.
But I was too exhausted and numb to care. I entered and closed the door behind me with my foot, leaving my shoes at the entrance.
I headed straight for the fridge, which hummed faintly, opened it, and took out the last cold can of beer I had left.Then I went to sit on the worn-out couch in the middle of the living room.
I grabbed my phone and put on some very soft music, maybe to calm the storm raging in my mind.
I drank the beer slowly and drifted into a sea of memories flooding my head…
I remembered James, the young man I used to be.A decent boy with a kind heart, who studied hard despite his family's miserable condition and endless problems.
I didn't give up back then. I truly believed things would turn out well after I earned my college degree.But once I graduated, the long job hunt began.
Two full years passed in the blink of an eye.Two years in which my degree was useless.Two years of constant rejection, and patience that was running out…
Our country was rotten to the core. No real jobs. Corruption everywhere. Poverty devouring people alive. Problems without end.
But I didn't surrender.I took all sorts of part-time jobs, from washing dishes to delivering orders, just to survive and send whatever little I could to my family.
Then one day, the miracle I had been praying for finally happened, I was accepted into a massive company, Everest Engineering.
Specializing in large infrastructure and advanced engineering projects, Everest was a golden opportunity, a chance to change my life in a country that was trying to swallow my dreams whole.I felt I could finally reap the rewards of all my hard work.
I spent five full years working at Everest.I gave everything I had, worked long hours, but never received a single promotion.My salary stayed fixed at $500 a month, a sum that barely carried me halfway through the month.I had no choice but to borrow money to cover basic expenses and send a portion to my family.
I began each month with $500and ended it owing another $500.A never-ending cycle of poverty and debt.
I finished the last can of beer and placed my hand on my forehead, trying to push away the painful memories.This was the fate I had spent my life running from, and now I was drowning in it.
"Ring… ring…"
The sound of my phone cut through my dark thoughts.I glanced at the screen.Emily.Her name glowed in the dim light of the room.
I answered, trying to keep my voice steady:
"Hey, baby… how are you?"
Emily.My girlfriend of six years.We met in college and grew from classmates to lovers planning a future together.She was the only hope I had left in this miserable life.
But her voice was nothing like the one I knew.It was cold. Mechanical.Carrying a tone of arrogance I had never heard from her before:
"Listen, James… I can't keep living with someone like you."
The blood in my veins froze.
Someone like me?What was that supposed to mean?
Before I could even process the shock or utter a single word, she continued with chilling indifference:
"Anyway… goodbye. In two months, you're invited to my wedding."
She hung up.Just like that.No explanation. No final words. Nothing.
Silence fell, heavy as lead.
I stared at my phone in absolute shock.In just a few hours, I had lost my job, my dignity, and now the only love I lived for.
The last piece of hope inside me shattered.
Tck!
My phone slipped from my hand and hit the floor.The world spun around me, waves of shock crashing violently.
But the silence didn't last long.
My phone rang again.Its faint sound tore through the fog in my mind.
I picked it up.The number was unfamiliar.
I answered weakly:
"…Hello?"
"Hello. Are you Helen's son?"A man's voice asked from the other end.
"Yes… yes, I am. What happened?" I replied, my heart pounding like thunder.
I didn't know which tragedy I should mourn, Emily breaking my heart, or this mysterious call about my mother.
The man spoke with a sorrowful tone:
"This is a doctor from St. Thomas Hospital."
"Yes! What happened?!" I shouted, out of breath, panic taking over completely.
"The thing is… your mother passed away in a car accident a few hours ago."
My phone hit the floor again, but this time, it wasn't the only thing that fell.
My knees buckled, and I collapsed completely.
"My God… Mom is dead?This must be a dream… yes, a dream…"
I whispered to myself, desperately clinging to any lie that could ease the pain.But the truth was merciless.
My mother was gone.And I was alone.
I sprang to my feet, driven by a surge of madness, and rushed toward the door.I threw it open and bolted into the streets.
I couldn't believe the doctor.I refused to believe him.My mind rejected the reality entirely.
I ran faster and faster, sweat streaming down my face, my breath burning in my chest.The thoughts in my head were a living nightmare.
How will I live without my mother?This must be a dreamPlease, God, save her.Mom… please…
I reached a crowded street, stumbling, falling, getting up, running again.People stared, but I didn't care.
I burst into the hospital, screaming her name.
A nurse approached, trying to calm me:
"Sir, please… breathe, relax…"
But I couldn't hear anything except the violent pounding of my heart.
"Helen… Helen Rohan! Is someone by that name here? She was in a car accident!"
My words came out in frantic gasps.
The nurse looked at me with deep pity.She had seen many people cry, but never like this,A young man shaking uncontrollably, breathing with difficulty, eyes filled with a darkness too deep, a grief too raw.
She held my arm gently.
"Come with me…"
I followed her silently.My eyes looked dead, white turned red as if bleeding.
We stopped at a door with a sign written in bold letters:
MORTUARY ROOM
My greatest fear had materialized into reality.
The nurse approached a particular bed."James… here."
I stepped forward.
A body lay under a white sheet.My trembling hand lifted the cloth from the face.
An elderly woman in her sixties.Her face was bruised and bloody, but unmistakably hers.
I stared at her with cold, empty eyes.I could not cry.I could not scream.
The pain was far too great for tears.
She was my last hope in this world, and she was gone.
I lowered myself, kissed her forehead, then gently pulled the sheet back over her face.
Then I walked out of the room with eerie calmness.A faint, fleeting smile crossed my lips, gone as quickly as it appeared.
The nurse froze, eyes wide.
"He… smiled," she whispered.
I left the hospital, my mind engulfed in absolute silence.Everything inside me had stopped working.
Only my legs carried me forward, shifting aimlessly left and right like a machine without a soul.
I arrived home around eight in the evening.The door was slightly open.I entered, sat on the couch as if returning from an ordinary stroll, not from Hell.
"What now, James?Your job is gone.Your mother, your warm gentle mother, is gone.Your lover, your heart, is getting married.Tell me, James… what are we supposed to do now?"
My voice came out faint and fragile:
"I know what I'll do… I'll follow them."
I walked slowly toward the kitchen.The apartment was tiny, and it didn't take long to spot what I was looking for.
A long kitchen knife around thirty centimeters.
I picked it up, staring at its blade as it gleamed under the dim light, reflecting the void in my eyes.
I returned to the living room, gripping the handle firmly.
Darkness filled the room, filled my soul.
The weight in my chest was unbearable, as if the entire world was crushing me.I remembered the harsh words, the empty looks, the failures haunting every step I took.
I pressed the cold metal against my skin.For a moment, I hesitated.
A flicker of light, an old memory, a smile, a loved face, tried to break through.But the darkness swallowed it.
There was no escape.No place left to run.
No tears.Only a deep void…
And the cold sting of steel.
James stabbed his own neck several times, wearing a strange smile, not of fear nor pain.
With each stab, blood splattered everywhere in chaotic crimson strokes, covering his face, hands, and clothes.
His breaths grew shallow, mixing with a broken short laugh.
His body finally collapsed, falling to the floor motionless…
A faint smile still lingering on his face, as if mocking the world one last time.