"I told you to get back out there! To get back on the horse… Not my sister!"
"Hey, what's the difference?"
A lone man lay prone atop a filth-covered leather couch, letting out a gruff laugh in sync with that of the live studio audience coming from the TV. His right arm hung limp off the side of the sofa, weakly flailing in an attempt to grab the half-empty bottle of beer from beside him on the floor. An action that only succeeded in knocking over the staggering collection of already empty bottles that littered his surroundings and forced a muttered curse from his lips.
With overwhelming effort, he turned his head away from the TV in annoyance, trying to find the bottle he was in such desperate need of. The moment he did so, after letting out a strained grunt in an effort to reach the bottle, he promptly brought it to his lips, taking a large swig of the lukewarm, disgusting liquid. Once he had, and only a few drops were left inside, he proceeded to unceremoniously dump it onto the trash-filled floor. There it joined its brethren in what could only be described as a graveyard of empty beer bottles and takeaway wrappers. A floor so disgusting and overflowing with piles of trash that it was all but impossible to see any of the dusty hardwood flooring that lay below.
After that, the man simply turned his attention back to the TV, continuing to watch the outdated comedy show currently playing that he had seen at least a hundred times before. Or at least he tried to. However, before long, he found his attention drifting, drawn away by the constant pitter-patter of footsteps echoing from somewhere behind him. At first, the man simply tried to ignore it, knowing the cause of such noise already. Yet after a particularly loud bang resounded throughout the entire apartment, he found himself unable.
"Lily!" He shouted, making himself wince at the volume of his own voice, forcing him to immediately lower it. "Can you please stop making so much noise? Daddy's trying to watch TV."
Despite how hard he tried, he was unable to stop the slight slurring of his speech, showcasing just how drunk he already was. This was in spite of the fact that, according to the large antique clock that hung on the wall, it wasn't even midday yet. At the sound of the man's voice, the thumping of tiny feet got louder and louder, until soon, a young girl, no older than four, with long brown hair that reached her back and wearing a bright blue floral dress, peeked out from the side of the couch.
"Sorry, Daddy." The girl mumbled, her eyes downcast as she squeezed her miniature arms around herself, squishing the zebra teddy that hung in her grip as tightly as possible. A teddy that had definitely seen better days, with a multitude of stains marking every inch of it.
Upon seeing the apologetic expression on his daughter's face as she stood awkwardly before him, and as he met her vibrant, light-blue eyes, the man felt a sharp pang of emotion. He was forced to look away as he was assailed by the painful memories he had spent the last few months trying desperately to forget. Instead, he transfixed his stare back onto the TV, waving his arm in his daughter's direction while letting out a sigh in reply.
"It's fine. Just be a bit quieter, alright, sweetie?"
He caught his daughter from the corner of his eye as she gave a muted nod in reply before beginning to make her way back to her room with slow, sullen steps. Only upon hearing the quiet sound of a door shutting closed a few seconds later after she had left his peripheral did he allow himself to once again relax. At least, that was until he was assaulted by feelings of disgust and self-loathing upon realising what he had just done and how he had just treated his daughter.
Yet despite such a feeling, he made no effort to rise from the couch. Instead, he stayed slumped on the couch, joined by feelings of guilt, shame and every other negative emotion he had become exceedingly familiar with over the past few months. They were emotions that, in his drunk and miserable state, were the last things he wanted to face. So, as quickly as he could, the man grabbed one of the few unopened beers that still sat upon the side table beside him. He took a long, drawn-out sip as he stared vacantly at the TV, hoping to wash away the twisting pain inside him, even though it had failed to work once over the past couple of months.
For over two hours, he sat with his attention fixed on the TV, trying to still every unpleasant thought and emotion that rattled incessantly within his mind. But no matter how hard he tried, forgetting remained an impossibility. All he managed to accomplish was adding three more empty bottles to his growing collection on the floor. That was until a sudden chime reverberated across the apartment.
Before he could even let out a groan or make a feeble attempt to stand up, recognising the noise as the sound of the doorbell, a shrill scream echoed from within the apartment. Instantly, his daughter could be heard barrelling through the living room towards the front door. Peaking his head over the couch, he watched as she excitedly jumped up to the door, flinging it open with a surprising amount of force before he could even say a word. The moment she did so, any worry the man may have possessed at the possibility of his daughter's safety disappeared as he immediately recognised the woman who was soon revealed.
"Auntie Gemma!" Lily shouted in enthusiasm as she launched herself towards the middle-aged woman who stood in the doorway, wrapping her tiny arms around her legs.
"Lily sweetie! It's so good to see you." The woman named Gemma replied, flinging Lily up from the ground and into her chest as she did so. An action that resulted in Lily letting out a delighted squeal as she wrapped her arms around the woman's neck through the thick brown curls that blocked the way.
"Oomph. Look at how much you've grown. I barely recognise you!"
"Silly! I haven't grown, it's only been a week!"
"A week too long if you ask me. I've missed you so much." Once more, giggles filled the room as the man watched Gemma shower Lily with an avalanche of kisses, sending her flailing in playful desperation to escape.
Only once Lily was left an exhaustive mess in Gemma's arms, with lipstick markings covering her entire face, did she set her back down onto the ground. "Now enough playing around, who's ready to go and visit the zoo!"
"Me! I am! Me!"
"Alrighty then." Gemma laughed. "Why don't you quickly grab anything you need to get, and then we can set off?" Before she had even finished her sentence, Lily had already sped away to her room with a cheer, almost crashing into the wall in her excitement.
Throughout all of this, the man on the couch watched the whirlwind of action in a complete stupor, having not moved a single muscle from his spot. He tried to make sense of what exactly was happening, something that in his drunken state he was less than successful in–a fact that didn't change even as Gemma turned her attention towards him. As she did so, the constant smile that had adorned her face disappeared in an instant.
"We'll be back around six o'clock. I'll sort out lunch and dinner for her, and I'll give you a call if we get delayed." She said curtly as she stepped closer to the couch.
The man, in response, simply continued to blankly stare back, still waiting for his brain to understand what was going on and provide him with some answers. Unfortunately, after a few moments of silence, he had no such luck, forcing him to finally ask. "What are you on about? Where are you two going exactly?"
A look of shock quickly formed on Gemma's face. A look that swiftly turned into one of outrage as she took yet another step forward towards the couch. "For god sake's, Spencer, this is ridiculous! We talked about this just last week! We agreed that I would take Lily to see the zoo this afternoon. Ringing any bells?"
Spencer tried to think back, absently scratching the long, patchy beard he was currently sporting. Eventually, he managed to vaguely remember such a conversation with Gemma a week prior, though the details were difficult to remember. He was pretty sure he'd been drunk at the time, which wasn't all that surprising considering how heavily he'd been drinking–as his floor could attest.
"Hmm, kind of? Sounds familiar."
At his lacklustre reply, a vein running along Gemma's forehead began to bulge, accompanied by the sound of grinding teeth. Yet just before it looked like she was about to explode, she proceeded to close her eyes and take a slow, calming breath. Only once the growing shade of crimson overtaking her face began to recede and her jaw unclenched, did she look back to Spencer.
"You know, it's not too late to come with us." She eventually said, to the complete shock of Spencer. "All you would need to do is go shower and shave. Two things you need to desperately do regardless. I know it would mean a lot to Lily if you came."
However, despite the sincerity and emotion that flowed from her words by the end, Spencer had barely heard a word of it. His mind was elsewhere, having instantly been transported to the memory of the last time he had been to the zoo less than a year prior. He could remember it as if it were yesterday, with Lily's high-pitched laughter resounding throughout the park as she ran excitedly from exhibit to exhibit with stars in her eyes. Specifically, he remembered the moment they had entered the gift shop and Lily had exploded in excitement, racing towards the array of plushies that covered the shelves. All he could do was follow along in fond amusement, a look that was mirrored by the gorgeous brown-haired woman who had stood directly beside him and who looked identical to Lily. A woman whose mere thought left him with a deep sense of hollowness and grief.
"Mommy! Daddy! I want this one! This one!" Lily had all but screamed in excitement as she raced back to the two of them with a zebra plushie strangled in her arms.
"Alright, this one it is, princess." Spencer had said as he scooped up Lily and earned an excited squeal in reply.
"What are you going to call it?" The woman beside him asked with a loving smile adorning her face as she looked at Lily.
"Silly mommy, it's Zebra," Lily replied with a frown as if it was obvious, forcing Spencer to do his best to hide his smirk and not burst out in laughter.
"You heard the little lady, Chloe dearest. Zebra it is."
"I swear." Chloe sighed. "She might have got my looks, but she definitely got your personality. Like two peas in a pod."
"Is that an issue?" Spencer asked with a smug smile.
"No. I wouldn't have it any other way." With that said, the two of them stared lovingly into one another's eyes before drawing closer, soon sharing a small, affectionate kiss.
"Eww! Mommy and daddy kissed." Lily groaned in disgust from between them, only making both Spencer and Chloe chuckle in amusement, a chuckle which Lily was quick to join in with.
As the memory of that treasured day came to an end, Spencer was slowly brought back to the present, forced to confront the stark reality of his current life. He was left with a heart-wrenching sense of sadness and despair as he was forced to accept the stark reality of his current life. A reality that left a lone tear cascading down his face, born from the knowledge that he would never get to see the woman he so dearly loved ever again.
"No, I think I'll stay." Spencer eventually choked out, upon seeing that Gemma was still waiting for a reply, wiping away the tear trail left on his face before she could spot it.
Unfortunately, that was not the correct response, not if the raging look of annoyance and anger that appeared on Gemma's face was anything to go by. "You know what? No. I'm bloody sick of this. You're coming with us whether you like it or not!"
With that, before Spencer could even react, Gemma swiftly closed the distance between them, or at least she tried to. Yet the moment she got within a couple of feet, her expression morphed into one of disgust as she hastily backpedalled in retreat. The sound of nauseated gagging and the sight of her pinching her nose as her face turned a light green let him know the cause.
"Fucking hell, Spencer! Really? You smell like a fucking brewery!" Gemma exclaimed as she wiped away the few stray tears that had started to form in her eyes. "It's barely even midday and you're already drinking? Tell me, are you even bloody sober right now?"
At the sound of the undisguisable contempt that all but dripped from Gemma's voice, with the help of the liberal amount of alcohol in his system, Spencer began to feel his own anger growing in response. "What does it fucking matter to you? Last I checked, I don't need your fucking permission to do what I want. If I want a few drinks, I can damn well have a few drinks."
Gemma just stared at him as if he were an idiot, too flabbergasted to even reply, as her mouth just continued to open and close without a word being uttered.
"For god's sake." She finally managed to get out. "What about Lily? What if god forbid something had happened because you weren't watching over her, too busy getting drunk and watching TV!"
Spencer clenched his teeth at what Gemma was suggesting. As if he would ever let something bad or dangerous happen to his daughter. As if she weren't his number one priority. Yet such indignation was quickly dimmed by a treacherous voice in the back of his mind.
'She's right! You're a fucking failure! Too busy getting drunk to pay her any attention. She would be better off without you! You know that, Gemma knows that, hell, I'm sure even Lily does too. And I'm sure if Chloe could see you now, she would agree as well.'
Haunted by such thoughts, Spencer felt the small amount of anger he possessed washed away in an instant, leaving him with nothing but a sense of raw emptiness. A state that, over the past few months, had become all too familiar to him.
Back to his almost catatonic state, with not an ounce of energy, Spencer let out a defeated sigh as he turned to the TV once again. "Whatever. She's my daughter, not yours. I can look after her just fine, alright." Unfortunately, his attempt to try and end the conversation did nothing more than add fuel to the fire as Gemma once more bristled at his dismissive tone.
"She is?" Gemma gasped in obviously feigned surprise. "I had no idea! After all, with the way you've been acting, I would have assumed she was nothing more than a stranger to you than actual family."
Instantly, Spencer could feel his blood begin to boil as his anger returned with a vengeance. With a push, he launched himself out of his seat, having to keep a firm grip on the sofa to keep his balance as his vision spun in every possible direction. Yet even the growing sense of nausea such movement caused did little to abate his fury, which was on full display as he turned to face Gemma.
"How fucking dare you! Who do you think you are to say that shit to me in my ow-."
Suddenly, before Spencer was able to release all the frustration and rage he felt, in the blink of an eye, he was forced to a sudden stop. The anger that fueled him swiftly disappeared from his system as his attention was no longer directed at Gemma. Instead, it was transfixed to the hallway to his side, where a teary-eyed Lily stood gazing back with a large, worried frown on her face.
Gemma soon followed his line of sight, also spotting Lily who awkwardly stood in the centre of the hall. In a flash, the large smile she had worn before reappeared on her face. "Hey, sweetie! Are you all ready to go see the zoo!" She proclaimed in false cheer, unable to fully hide the awkwardness she felt, with her smile seeming strained and stiff.
In response, Lily simply gave a short nod of her head, no longer displaying the pure excitement and happiness she had only moments prior. Seeing this, and knowing he was responsible, Spencer was forced to turn away, unable to handle the guilt that wracked him as he stared at her miserable expression. As quickly as he could, he spun around and collapsed back onto the couch, pretending to be absorbed in the TV, despite not hearing a single word that was being said. All he wanted was for Gemma and his daughter to quickly leave for the zoo, allowing him to stew in his own misery and self-hatred and get progressively more drunk in an effort to fill the gaping hole in his soul. A hole he secretly knew would never be filled. Yet such hopes were soon dashed as after only a few moments of silence, he saw Lily as she timidly walked into his line of sight; her head directed at the floor and her zebra plushie choked in her grip.
"Are you coming to Daddy?" She asked in a frail whisper.
Seeing her anxious posture, a part of Spencer wanted nothing more than to say yes, if only to see his little girl smile as bright as a diamond, like she always used to. But alas, he knew, even if he truly wanted to, he couldn't. After all, at the moment, he could barely stand, let alone walk, and that wasn't even taking into account his no doubt horrendous appearance and beer-fueled stench.
'I probably wouldn't even be allowed past the front gates as I am now.' Spencer thought with a sigh.
"I'm afraid I can't, Princess. But maybe another time, okay?" He watched as Lily didn't say a word in reply, keeping her face locked to the trash-covered floor before slowly shuffling back towards Gemma.
"Alrighty! Why don't you head outside while I finish chatting with Daddy, and then we can go to the zoo and see all the awesome animals you like. Sound good?" Gemma exclaimed. However, despite the false cheer in her voice, she received no response as Lily dejectedly opened and made her way out the front door, leaving Spencer and Gemma alone once again.
As Spencer sat there, he prepared himself for the verbal lashing that Gemma was going to hurl in his way–a lashing he knew he no doubt deserved. Yet as the seconds ticked by, the expected assault never came. Instead, he was met with a voice not of anger and fury, but of exasperation and sadness.
"You know, you weren't the only one to lose somebody important that day, Spencer. We all did." Gemma said solemnly, her words bringing to mind the image of a smiling brown-haired woman with blue eyes, just like Lily, who Spencer missed more and more with each day that passed.
"I know it's painful; a day doesn't pass that I'm not filled with sadness. But you have to move on. It's what she would have wanted. You can't keep putting your life on hold as you cling to the memory of her, putting everything else to the wayside. Otherwise, I promise you, she won't be the only person you wind up losing."
With that, before Spencer could even reply, Gemma took her leave, slamming the door shut behind her and leaving Spencer alone with only the sound of the TV to accompany him.