Keziah
Kneeling on that blanket, I prayed a quick prayer to whichever god is watching over me that Halcyon will let this ill-conceived idea go. I want to keep being his friend. When he isn't subtly pushing, the outings and social events we go to with everyone have created some wonderful memories for me. Turning my gaze away, I give him a moment, without me looking at him, to come up with an answer to my question. It looks like my willful ignorance is coming back to bite me. I tried to ignore the obvious signs that he thought my actions were all a ploy to gain his attention and prove I'm the best candidate to be his wife.
I rub my hands over my face at the irony of the situation. To think this path is before me again. I'm at a crossroads, but I know in my heart that I will not go back to being queen, even if this life would possibly be everything I once dreamed of. I know what is required of a good queen for this kingdom, and I can't give my heart to being that again. My scars run too deep. I gave too much and was not appreciated for my work. I was vilified and disrespected. Never again. I will consider being a wife and mother someday, but right now, I'm content with my life without romance. I still need more time to heal those particular scars.
"You can do both." Halcyon suddenly started talking, warming up to the solution he had settled on. "We will create a team to assist you with your royal duties so you can balance your art and your role as queen. Your main role, of course, will be as my wife and queen, but you can keep doing art as your passion project to break up the monotony of your royal duties." He looked so much like he wanted me to praise him and agree that his solution had won me over.
"I've stopped taking the crown princess lessons."
"You've been taking ducal heir lessons with your brothers. That should be enough to meet basic qualifications, and we can have a long engagement so you can catch up on the lessons you would have taken this year."
"I have been helping your mother, Queen Lucina, select a bride for you. We will be finalizing the candidates tomorrow for you to review."
"Is your name on the list?"
"No. Because I'm not interested in being queen, nor am I interested in being your wife. We aren't compatible."
"Fuck! Tell me why? What changed?" Standing up, he began pacing back and forth. His volume had increased to the point that, if we weren't on the far side of the private royal gardens, I was sure we would have quite a few people coming to find out why a prince was yelling.
"You used to basically worship me and chase me everywhere. Then, after that night you poured wine all over Duke Faris's daughter, Lady Renee, and started beating on her because she demanded you leave me alone—thus almost causing a fight between your house and hers—you just changed." He jabbed his finger at me, looking at me with a feverish intensity. He squats down in front of me, reaching out to tug on a lock of my hair.
"According to accounts from people inside and outside the house, you became mature, kind, and regained your passion for art. You no longer had an obsession with me. What everyone thought was a punishment from the Duke turned out to be your own self-imposed seclusion. You invited over the ones you had wronged and made amends with them. You got tested and proved, in quick order, that you have genius-level talent in art. You strengthened your family bonds to the point you are now a model example in high society of how a young aristocratic lady should support her family while building a career."
He picked up my hands and gently examined them. He was calmer, so I let him do as he wished for now, but I stayed on guard. I know him better than most people. He isn't backing down—he is building up to something.
"You craftily announced that you were taking yourself out of the crown princess race. No one believed you, and you haven't once changed your tune since. I almost fell for your act quite a few times, but I knew each time you would bend your rules for me, that was you signaling to me that I still held a special place in your heart. You were just changing your image to be truly worthy of me. Plus, you helped me figure out how to best negotiate with my siblings so that they would sign over their rights to the throne."
He tapped my nose with a soft smile I had always longed to receive in the past, but it was never bestowed upon me. That smile was always reserved for his mistress, Renee, and his son, Verron. My fingers twitched, wanting to touch that smile, but I held back. I don't want to encourage the delusion he has been cultivating. I don't know how to make him see the truth. I guess only more time will help break him out of it.
"So, here I am, letting you know I see you and find you worthy, yet you are rejecting me. So, I must ask—why?" His honey-amber eyes peered deep into mine, searching for what, I do not know.
"Truthfully, I had a dream that I did become your wife and queen. I did everything I could to help you continue and improve the prosperity of Daril Kingdom. I gave everything I was to being your wife. In the end, it didn't matter. Not you, not the council, not the nobles, not even the palace personnel appreciated my efforts. I had to be clever because every action I took, you all fought against me. Yet, when you realized I was right, someone else would take the credit. This went on for years. At some point, you took a mistress, and she gave you a son. You treated them as the family you always wanted and left me to carry the burden of running this kingdom, only engaging in governmental duties when the council insisted you needed to sign off on something."
His eyes now held a growing look of concern. With a smile, I leaned up and placed a light kiss on his cheek.
"In the dream, you eventually decided I would be deposed as queen, divorced as your wife, and locked away. Because my family had all died at some point, I had no one to support me in stopping you from discarding me. In the dream, at that moment when our choices brought me to what I considered to be the lowest point of my life, I took my own life. I died in the arms of the only person who was left to cry for me. Your cold, indifferent eyes were the last thing I saw."
Standing up and taking a few steps back, I looked down at this man, who appeared to be in deep thought.
"So, to answer your question—I changed and will not marry you because I don't want to ever live any version of that life. It may have just been a dream, but it could have also been a glimpse into what could be. I won't set aside my passion for anyone until I've reached my goal. Do you understand this as my truth now?"
He grabbed me quicker than I could process. He held my hands behind my back, and as much as I struggled, I could not break loose from his hold.
"No, no! Why do you keep up this charade? I'm choosing you, Kezi. That was just a dream of fear. I would never do those things to you. Why are you fighting me? Don't listen to those people who try to come between us. I'm better than Cyrus! He always wants what I have. That is why he is constantly close to you! He knows he isn't going to be able to become crown prince, so he is trying to steal you from me as a consolation prize! He doesn't really want you!"