Breakfast with a goddess turned out to be exactly as chaotic as Rick had expected. Fortuna had insisted on pouring wine into his morning tea, claimed the bread was "too boring" and transmuted it into something that tasted like cinnamon and regret, and spent twenty minutes explaining why the Divine Council was full of "stuffy old gods with no sense of fun."
"So let me get this straight," Rick said, pushing away his wine-infused tea. "You're supposed to supervise me, but you're also basically on divine probation for being irresponsible?"
"Technically I'm on 'mandatory oversight duty,' which is just a fancy way of saying they don't trust me to do my job properly." Fortuna bit into a piece of transmuted bread. "But whatever."
"This gives me an excuse to hang out in the mortal realm, which is way more interesting than sitting around listening to the God of Bureaucracy drone on about proper paperwork."
"There's a God of Bureaucracy?"
"Unfortunately. He's exactly as boring as you'd imagine." Fortuna leaned forward conspiratorially. "Here's the thing though."
"Since I have to check on your progress anyway, I figured why not make it interesting? So I registered at the guild."
Rick blinked. "You what?"
"I registered! As an adventurer! Under a fake name, obviously. Can't have people knowing I'm a goddess."
"The paperwork would be nightmarish." She pulled out a guild badge that gleamed with an almost blinding shine. It was marked with three S letters in elaborate script. "Meet Fortuna Luck, SSS-rank adventurer and your new party member!"
Rick stared at the badge, then at Fortuna, then at Ace, who had somehow found a way to project an expression of deep concern despite being a card.
"You're SSS-rank?" Rick said slowly. "The highest possible rank? On your first day?"
"Well, I had to prove my abilities, so I cleared an A-rank dungeon solo in about fifteen minutes."
"The guild master was very impressed. Also slightly terrified. But mostly impressed!" Fortuna grinned. "They fast-tracked my promotion immediately."
"You cleared an A-rank dungeon in fifteen minutes."
"Could've done it in ten, but I stopped to look at some interesting mushrooms."
Rick put his head in his hands. "This is insane. I'm F-rank. You're SSS-rank. We can't party together. That's not how this works."
"Actually, SSS-rank adventurers can party with anyone they want. It's one of the perks. Besides, you're immortal and I'm supervising you anyway. This just makes it official." Fortuna stood up and stretched, her bunny tail wiggling. "Plus, this means I can take you on actually interesting quests instead of boring F-rank stuff. You'll level up way faster!"
"Or die way faster."
"That's the spirit! Now come on, I already picked out our first quest together. It's going to be great!"
...
...
Ten minutes later, Rick found himself standing in front of the guild's quest board, staring at a piece of paper that Fortuna had enthusiastically torn down and shoved in his face.
[QUEST: ELIMINATE THE ELDER WYRM]
[RANK: S]
[REWARD: 5000 Gold, Rare Materials, Guild Recognition]
[DESCRIPTION: An Elder Wyrm has taken residence in the Blackpeak Mountains and has been terrorizing nearby villages. Previous parties have failed to return. Extreme caution advised.]
"This is an S-rank quest," Rick said flatly. "I'm F-rank. This is literally forty ranks above my level."
"Forty-one ranks, technically," Ace corrected.
"Not helping!"
Fortuna waved dismissively. "Details. You're with me, so it's fine. The guild already approved it. I told them you were my apprentice and that I'd take full responsibility if you died."
"When I die. Not if. When."
"That's the attitude! See, you're already thinking positively." Fortuna grabbed his arm and started dragging him toward the exit. "Come on, the Blackpeak Mountains are only a day's journey if we take the fast route. We can be there by evening!"
Rick tried to resist, but Fortuna had goddess strength and he was just a regular guy who had died to a banana peel. The other adventurers in the guild watched with mixed expressions of pity and amusement as he was hauled away.
"I'm going to die so many times," Rick muttered.
"Probably! But think of all the cards you'll get!"
The journey to the Blackpeak Mountains was surprisingly pleasant, right up until Rick realized what kind of person Fortuna actually was when she wasn't being a goddess. They stopped at a village along the way to resupply, and within fifteen minutes, Fortuna had found a gambling den.
"Just one game," she said, disappearing inside. "I'll be quick!"
Two hours later, Rick dragged her out. She was drunk, had somehow lost half their travel money, and was arguing with the den owner about whether she had actually cheated or if the dice were just "feeling her vibes."
"You're a goddess of gambling and you lost?" Rick said incredulously as they continued their journey.
"I didn't lose, I simply experienced a temporary setback in my winning strategy," Fortuna slurred slightly, stumbling over a rock. "Besides, gambling is more fun when there's risk."
"Where's the excitement if you always win?"
"The excitement is in having money for food!"
"Food is overrated. Adventure is what matters!" She threw her arms wide, nearly falling over. "Besides, we're going to get five thousand gold from this quest."
"That's like a million gambling attempts!"
"That's not how you should think about quest rewards!"
Ace floated between them. "Master Rick, I believe you're discovering the reason why Goddess Fortuna was assigned to babysit you. You're both disasters, just in different ways."
"I'm not a disaster, I'm creatively challenged," Rick protested.
"You died choking on fountain coins."
"One time!"
"Twice in total deaths, actually. The banana peel incident counts."
"Oh, piss off."
...
...
By the time they reached the Blackpeak Mountains, Rick had witnessed Fortuna get drunk three more times, attempt to gamble with a merchant over the price of a water skin, and somehow lose a bet with a wild squirrel. The squirrel now owned her left boot.
"I'm starting to understand why the Divine Council is worried about you," Rick said as they stood at the base of the mountain where the Elder Wyrm supposedly lived. Dark clouds gathered around the peak, and the occasional roar echoed down the slopes.
"They're just jealous of my fun lifestyle." Fortuna, now wearing only one boot, looked up at the mountain with enthusiasm. "Okay, so here's the plan."
"We go up, find the dragon, and you try not to die too quickly while I handle the actual fighting."
"That's not a plan, that's a summary of what's going to happen anyway."
"Exactly! See, we're already on the same page." Fortuna started climbing, somehow managing to be graceful despite being half drunk and missing a boot. "Come on, Rick! Adventure awaits!"
Rick followed, channeling mana into his cards in preparation for what was definitely going to be a disaster. Ace floated beside him, offering what might have been moral support or might have been silent judgment.
"You know," Rick said as they climbed, "when I imagined having a goddess as a party member, I thought it would be more helpful. Like, divine protection and infinite healing and stuff."
"And instead you got a drunk gambling addict who trades boots to squirrels?"
"Pretty much."
"Master Rick, I think this is what people call 'character development.' You're learning that power doesn't equal competence."
"I hate character development."
They reached a plateau halfway up the mountain where the Elder Wyrm's lair was supposed to be. The entrance was a massive cave that exhaled heat and smoke. The ground was scorched, and bones of previous adventurers littered the area like party decorations nobody had cleaned up.
"Okay, new plan," Rick said, looking at the bones. "We leave. Right now."
"We go back down, tell the guild we got lost, and try a different quest. Maybe one with rabbits. Nice, safe, non-dragon rabbits."
"Don't be a coward!" Fortuna walked straight toward the cave entrance. "It's just a dragon."
"I've dealt with way worse. There was this one time a Titan challenged me to a drinking contest and I won. Mostly. I think. The memories are fuzzy."
"That's not reassuring!"
A roar erupted from the cave, so loud it shook loose rocks from the ceiling. The temperature spiked, and Rick could see flames flickering in the darkness. Something massive was moving in there, something that definitely noticed their presence.
"Oh good, it knows we're here!" Fortuna clapped her hands excitedly. "This is going to be so much fun!"
"Your definition of fun is broken," Rick said, but he followed her anyway, because apparently, he was also broken.
The Elder Wyrm emerged from the shadows, and Rick immediately understood why this was an S-rank quest. The dragon was the size of a building, covered in scales that gleamed like obsidian, with eyes that burned like molten gold. Smoke curled from its nostrils, and when it opened its mouth, Rick could see rows of teeth designed specifically for turning adventurers into bite-sized snacks.
"Hey there, big guy!" Fortuna waved at the dragon like they were old friends. "We're here for the bounty on your head. Hope you don't mind!"
The dragon roared again, and Rick felt his survival instincts screaming at him to run.
"I'm going to die," he said calmly. "I'm going to die so many times."
"That's the spirit!" Fortuna pulled out what appeared to be a pair of golden dice. "Want to make a bet on how many times? I'm thinking at least five!"
"Stop gambling on my death rate!"
The dragon lunged, and Rick's adventure with the worst goddess-slash-party-member in history officially began. It was going to be a very long day.