Rick stared at the floating blue text, trying to process what he was seeing. A card system? Death analysis? Was this some kind of afterlife bureaucracy? He had heard about people getting reincarnated in fantasy worlds, but he always thought those were just stories for shut-ins who spent too much time reading webnovels.
"Okay, so let me get this straight," Rick said to the empty void. "I die in the dumbest way possible, and now I'm in some kind of tutorial screen? What's next, a stats menu? Skill trees?"
The text flickered and changed.
[DEATH CARD GENERATED: BANANA SLIP OF DOOM]
[RARITY: COMMON (But Hilarious)]
[EFFECT: Allows user to summon a cursed banana peel that causes any enemy to slip and fall. Warning: May also affect user if not careful.]
"Are you kidding me?" Rick reached out to touch the glowing text, but his hand passed right through it. "My first power is a banana peel?"
"What am I supposed to do with that? Fight dragons by making them slip on fruit?"
Before the system could respond, the void suddenly wasn't quite so empty anymore. There was a flash of pink light, followed by a shower of sparkles that smelled faintly of cheap perfume and disappointment. When the light faded, Rick found himself staring at something his brain needed a full three seconds to process.
Standing before him was a woman. Well, calling her just a woman felt like an understatement. She had long red hair that cascaded down to her waist, curves that could cause traffic accidents, and eyes that sparkled like someone had dumped glitter into them.
She was also wearing a bunny outfit. Not a cute, modest bunny costume. An actual bunny girl outfit, complete with fishnet stockings, a fluffy tail, and ears that looked too realistic to be comfortable.
Rick's jaw dropped. His brain, which had just experienced traumatic death by truck, decided this was the perfect time to completely malfunction.
"Holy sigma--- I mean, uh," he said eloquently. "What?"
The woman struck a pose, one hand on her hip and the other making a peace sign next to her face. "Helloooo, dead person! Welcome to the afterlife!"
"I'm Fortuna, Goddess of Gambling, Lady of Luck, Mistress of Chance, and the reason you're standing here instead of becoming worm food!"
Rick blinked. Then blinked again. "You're a goddess."
"Yep!"
"Wearing a bunny outfit."
"Also yep!" Fortuna did a little spin, making her tail bounce. "You like it?"
"I just got it from this amazing shop in the divine realm. They were having a sale. Buy one, get one free, but the second one was cursed, so I had to throw it at my sister. She was not amused."
"I have so many questions," Rick said slowly. "Starting with why a goddess is dressed like she works at a casino."
Fortuna's smile faltered for just a moment. "Okay, so funny story about that. I may have lost a bet with the God of Reincarnation."
"The terms were that if I lost, I had to personally handle the next reincarnation case while wearing whatever outfit he chose. And apparently, he has very specific taste."
"That's the most unprofessional thing I've ever heard, and I once saw my boss give a presentation in his underwear because he forgot to turn off his camera."
"That God is probably be a gooner."
"What's a gooner?"
"Forget it."
"I know that word sounded like an offensive thing to say, but hey, divine beings can have fun too!" Fortuna crossed her arms defensively, which had the unfortunate side effect of making Rick's eyes go places they probably shouldn't.
"Besides, you should be grateful. Most people just get a form letter and a random spawn point. You're getting the full premium reincarnation package, complete with a custom system and a personal explanation from yours truly."
Rick rubbed his temples. This was already giving him a headache, "Okay, fine. So what's this card system thing? And why does my first card involve banana peels?"
Fortuna's expression brightened immediately. She clapped her hands together, and suddenly a holographic screen appeared in the air between them. It showed what looked like a video game interface, complete with card slots and a spinning roulette wheel in the corner.
"I'm so glad you asked!" She gestured at the screen enthusiastically. "So here's the deal. You died, right?"
"Normally, that would be the end of it. Poof, you're gone, see you never."
"But the universe decided you were too entertaining to let go of, so it gave you a special gift. Every time you die, and I mean every single time, you'll come back to life. But here's the fun part!"
"There's a fun part to dying repeatedly?"
"Absolutely! Each death creates a new card based on how you died. Burned alive? You get a fire card. Eaten by a monster? You get a monster card. Crushed by something heavy? You get a crushing card."
"The system analyzes the cause of your death and generates a corresponding power. It's like collecting trading cards, except the collection process is incredibly painful!"
Rick stared at her. "That's the worst system I've ever heard of."
"It's the best system!" Fortuna insisted. "Think about it."
"You literally cannot lose. Every failure makes you stronger. Every mistake gives you new abilities."
"You're essentially incentivized to get yourself killed in creative ways. It's perfect for someone with your track record."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Rick, buddy, pal, my unfortunate friend. You died because you slipped on a banana peel into a vending machine and got hit by a truck."
"Your luck stat in your previous life was so low, it was practically underground. This system is designed specifically for people like you. People who fail upward."
Rick wanted to argue, but honestly, she had a point. "Okay, so I'm immortal and I collect death cards. What's the catch? There's always a catch."
Fortuna's smile turned slightly mischievous. "Well, dying still hurts. A lot."
"And you'll be sent to a world called Eternia, which is filled with monsters, dungeons, corrupt nobles, demon lords, and all sorts of things that will try to kill you."
"The good news is that you'll eventually become powerful enough to handle all of it. The bad news is that getting there requires dying. A lot."
"Fantastic," Rick muttered. "And I don't get a choice in this?"
"Nope! You're already locked in. The paperwork is signed, the cosmic wheels are turning, and your new body is already waiting for you in Eternia."
"But hey, look on the bright side. You get to start over in a fantasy world with magic and adventure. Isn't that what every guy dreams about?"
Rick thought about his old life. The boring job, the tiny apartment, the instant ramen dinners. Then he looked at the card floating in front of him, the promise of power and adventure, even if it came with a side of repeated death.
"You know what?" he said finally. "I've had worse Tuesdays. Let's do this."
Fortuna's grin widened. "That's the spirit! Now, let's get you reincarnated. Try not to die immediately, okay? It would be embarrassing for both of us."
Before Rick could ask what she meant by that, the world exploded into light.