Rick had expected his first encounter with monsters to be intimidating. He had expected fear, adrenaline, maybe a heroic moment where he discovered hidden courage. What he got instead was three blob-like creatures that looked like someone had melted jello and given it murder instincts.
The slimes were about the size of basketballs, translucent green with what appeared to be dissolving plant matter floating inside them. They bounced toward him with unsettling enthusiasm, making wet squelching sounds that would haunt his nightmares if he lived long enough to have nightmares.
"Okay, so those are the slimes," Rick said, backing up slowly. "They don't look that dangerous."
"Appearances can be deceiving, Master Rick! Those are Acid Slimes."
"One touch and your skin starts melting. Two touches and you're screaming. Three touches and you're experiencing what I like to call aggressive deglove, except for your entire body."
"Why would you phrase it like that?"
"For accuracy!"
The first slime lunged at him with surprising speed. Rick yelped and threw the banana peel card on instinct.
The card spun through the air, glowing with blue energy, and sliced clean through the slime. The creature split in half with a disgusting squelch, its acidic insides splattering across the forest floor where they immediately began eating through the grass.
But then something unexpected happened. The card activated its special effect. A ghostly banana peel materialized under the two halves of the slime, and they both slipped sideways, crashing into each other and reforming into one very confused and very angry slime.
"Holy shit, it worked!" Rick stared at his hand in amazement. "I actually killed it! Well, kind of!"
"Technically you just made it angrier, but good effort! Now watch out for the other two!"
Rick spun around just in time to see the remaining slimes launching themselves at him like gelatinous cannonballs. He tried to dodge, failed spectacularly, and felt the first one slam into his chest.
Immediately, his shirt began to sizzle and smoke. Pain erupted across his skin like someone was holding a blowtorch to him.
"Ow! Ow ow ow! Get it off!" Rick frantically scraped at the slime, but his hands just sank into its gooey body.
The acid was spreading, eating through his clothes and into his flesh. The second slime hit his leg, and suddenly Rick understood what Ace meant by aggressive deglove.
"This is terrible! This is the worst! Why does everything hurt so much?" Rick screamed, falling to his knees as the slimes continued their work. His health bar, which he could somehow see in the corner of his vision, was dropping rapidly. Ninety, eighty, seventy.
"Try to stay calm, Master Rick! You'll respawn in thirty seconds!"
"That's not helping, acehole!"
Fifty, forty, thirty. Rick's vision was going dark around the edges. The pain was overwhelming, like every nerve in his body was filing a formal complaint. Twenty, ten, five.
"See you soon!" Ace chirped.
Zero.
Rick died. Then, exactly thirty seconds later, he was standing in the same spot, completely healed, and absolutely furious.
"That sucked! That sucked so much!" He looked down at his restored body, patting himself to make sure everything was there. "Okay, I'm alive again. That's good. But also, what the hell?"
"Welcome back! The good news is you just earned your second death card!" A new card materialized in front of him, this one glowing with a sickly green light.
[DEATH CARD GENERATED: ACID SPLASH]
[RARITY: UNCOMMON]
[EFFECT: Summons a wave of corrosive acid that deals damage over time to all enemies in a cone. Warning: Do not get it on yourself. Seriously.]
"An acid card from dying to acid. How poetic," Rick muttered, grabbing the card. "Okay, round two. Let's try this again."
The three slimes, apparently respawned as well, bounced toward him again. This time, Rick was ready. He channeled mana into the acid card and threw it at the nearest slime.
The card exploded on impact, sending a spray of green liquid across all three creatures. They immediately began bubbling and hissing, their bodies dissolving from their own medicine.
"Ha! How do you like it?" Rick shouted triumphantly.
Then the wind shifted, and some of the acid spray blew back into his face. "Oh no."
Death number three was somehow worse than death number two. At least the slimes had been quick about it.
When Rick respawned again, he found Ace waiting for him with what could only be described as amused patience. "You got acid in your own face."
"I noticed," Rick said flatly. "Can we not talk about it?"
"You literally killed yourself with your own attack."
"Ace, I swear to god."
"The slimes didn't even have to do anything! They just watched!"
"New rule. You don't get to talk for the next five minutes."
But despite the humiliation, Rick now had three cards. The banana peel, the acid splash, and a new one that had generated from his self-inflicted acid death, which the system had labeled "Reflection of Idiocy" and gave him a slight resistance to his own attacks. It was possibly the most insulting card name ever, but Rick had to admit it would be useful.
For the next hour, Rick died seven more times. He died to slimes twice more, once to a particularly aggressive rabbit that turned out to be a Feral Razorback, once to falling into a pit he didn't see, once to a plant that sprayed poison, and twice to his own cards because he still hadn't quite figured out the whole "don't stand in your own area of effect" concept.
But each death made him stronger. Each death gave him a new card. By the time the sun started setting, Rick had fifteen cards in his collection, ranging from common to rare, and he had figured out how to actually fight.
The key, he discovered, was combining cards. Throw the banana peel first to make enemies slip, follow up with acid splash while they're down, and finish with the new razor wind card he'd gotten from the rabbit. It was dirty, it was efficient, and it worked.
"You're actually getting good at this," Ace commented as Rick took down a small pack of wolves without dying. "I'm almost impressed."
"Almost?" Rick was breathing hard, but he was grinning. The rush of actually winning a fight was intoxicating. "I just killed five wolves without taking a single hit."
"Yes, but it took you ten deaths to figure out basic combat tactics. Most people get it by death three."
"Most people aren't working with a banana peel as their starting weapon."
"Fair point."
Rick checked his status screen. Level five. Not bad for a few hours of work. His title had changed from "The Undying Idiot" to "The Persistent Idiot," which was only marginally better, but he'd take it.
"So what now?" Rick asked, sitting down against a tree to catch his breath. "I can't just grind in this forest forever. I need to actually start working toward that Wishing Card."
"Well, lucky for you, the first fragment you need is actually relatively close."
"There's a dungeon about two days' travel from here called the Tomb of the Forgotten King. It's only a level ten dungeon, so you should be able to handle it soon."
"Only level ten? I'm level five."
"Which means you only need to die a few more times to catch up! See? The system is very efficient."
Rick groaned. "This is going to be a long journey, isn't it?"
"Oh, you have no idea. But hey, at least you're immortal! Most people would kill for that advantage."
"Most people haven't experienced melting to death by acid slime."
"Details, details. Now come on, we should find a town before nightfall. Trust me, you do not want to be in this forest when the Nightstalkers come out."
"The what?"
"Giant spider creatures that hunt in the dark and lay eggs in your brain! Very unpleasant death, that one. But it would probably give you a cool card!"
Rick stood up quickly. "Town. Right. Let's go find a town."
As they walked through the darkening forest, Rick couldn't help but smile despite everything. Sure, he'd died ten times in one afternoon. Sure, his title called him an idiot. Sure, he had a talking card that enjoyed mocking him.
But he was stronger now. He had powers. He had a goal. And somewhere out there was a Wishing Card with his name on it.
"Hey Ace?" Rick said as they walked.
"Yes, Master Rick?"
"When I get that Wishing Card, the first thing I'm wishing for is a better title."
"Bold of you to assume you'll survive long enough to get it."
"I'm immortal. I've literally got all the time in the world."
Ace hummed thoughtfully. "You know what? You might actually pull this off. Against all odds and common sense, you might actually become the strongest card master in Eternia."
"Damn right I will."
"It's because you're only the guy who uses card to fight, ha ha ha ha ha."
"Fuck off..."