I. The First Unified Harem Meeting: The VOPP
The five women—Astra (The Strength), Lyra (The Logic), Seraphina (The Drama), Serana (The Strategy), and Anaya (The True Love)—sat around a polished wooden table, Vael nervously seated in the center. This was the first meeting of the Vael Optimal Protection Protocol (VOPP).
"The foremost priority is his safety," Lyra announced, tapping a stylus on a glowing projection. "Our first error was allowing him to be taken. Our second error was his poetry."
Serana nodded grimly. "Agreed. His true power lies in his vulnerability, but his forced rhymes are a public danger. They attract unwanted attention—rival lords, zealots, and as evidenced by the Grunt incident, confused soldiers."
Vael felt a jolt of hope. Yes! They finally get it! I want to quit the poetry, too!
Lyra continued: "Therefore, by the VOPP consensus, Vael is under a Verbal Censure Order (VCO). He is forbidden from speaking in rhymes, couplets, or any rhythmic cadence that could trigger his Divine Aura. All necessary communication will be factual and prose-based."
Vael sighed in relief. "Thank you! I hate the poetry! It's finally over!"
BZZT!
A sharp, electric surge zapped Vael's forehead. A glowing red message appeared in his mind:
[MISSION CRITICAL ALERT: USER MUST COMPLETE ALL 100 DIVINELY-MANDATED PAIRINGS. ANY ATTEMPT TO SUBVERT THE POETIC PROCESS OR RENOUNCE DIVINE AURA WILL RESULT IN: A) IMMORTALITY. B) PERMANENT ATTACHMENT TO CURRENT HAREM. C) ETERNAL COMMUNION WITH GRUNT.]
Vael gasped, horrified. He looked around the room, which instantly seemed like the most terrifying, most eternal prison ever created.
"What's wrong, Consort?" Astra asked, tilting her head.
Vael choked out, "N-nothing. Just a headache. Carry on with the... the VOPP." I have to keep rhyming. I have to finish the mission, or I'm stuck with five wives and Grunt, forever!
II. The Sub-Committee on Intimacy: The Kissing Plot
Lyra then addressed the most sensitive topic: "As established by the Divine Light, the Harem must maintain a positive emotional feedback loop with Vael. Since Anaya already achieved a spontaneous intimacy event, the rest of the wives must achieve one to ensure statistical emotional equity."
Seraphina clapped her hands dramatically. "The Kissing Plot! I shall use a tragic feigned illness! I shall collapse and request a kiss for my last breath!"
"Inefficient," Serana countered. "I shall offer a strategic exchange: one kiss for detailed intelligence on the Rival Clan's next movements. A fair trade."
Astra stomped her armored foot. "I need no plot! I will challenge him to a Kissing Duel! My honor demands it!"
Vael, whose headache was now throbbing with terror, realized he was about to face a coordinated, multi-front assault on his lips.
III. The Male Admirer Convergence
Just as Lyra was preparing a Kissing Probability Chart, the lodge door burst open, and Grunt, the massive warrior who wanted a positional kiss, rushed in.
"King Vael! I have found you! The Ritual of the Melodic Chant must be completed! Tell me where to place the kiss to show my true regard!" Grunt bellowed, holding out his giant, scarred face.
Grunt was instantly followed by Champion Sir Kaelan, who rushed past him, shouting: "No, Master! I must protect your purity! You cannot waste your holy intimacy on these unworthy women or this crude soldier! I am your loyal Champion; I demand the right to protect your face!"
Kaelan grabbed Vael by the waist and lifted him, attempting to run away. Grunt grabbed Vael's other arm.
"He is mine! I must protect him from your vulgar displays!" Kaelan yelled.
"No! He must complete the Ritual with me!" Grunt roared.
The two massive, highly motivated male warriors began a frantic, tug-of-war using Vael as the rope.
Vael's world spun. The fear was absolute. Two massive men fighting over who gets to touch my face! I can't breathe! I'm going to die by platonic strangulation!
The four wives and Anaya stared in stunned silence at the escalating situation. Serana simply wrote a note on her pad: VOPP Addendum: Male Admirers require extreme kinetic redirection.
Vael, unable to process the absurdity of his life, did the only logical thing a thirty-year-old bank clerk could do: he fainted.
IV. The Worst Conversation Ever
Vael awoke in the blinding white expanse of the Divine Realm. He was back at the Connection Point.
He immediately rushed and flung himself at the enormous, featureless, golden feet of God Aethel.
"Aethel! Dear God, you're ruining my life!" Vael cried, clutching the cold metal feet. "You promised me wives, not wrestling partners! I can handle the possessive women, but you've unleashed the Male Admirer Arc! The contract is void! Please, I beg you! Send me back! Send me anywhere! I'll take the truck! Just get me out of the Harem!"
The Divine Voice boomed, resonating in Vael's very bones:
"PATIENCE, LITTLE RHYMER. MY APOLOGIES. THERE SEEMS TO BE A SLIGHT... 'TYPO' IN THE CONTRACT. I HAD INTENDED FOR THE DIVINE AURA TO ATTRACT THOSE WHO DESIRED YOUR POETRY, NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF PREDOMINANTLY FEMALE GENDER. I WILL... LOOK INTO THE ISSUE LATER."
"Later?! Later is too late! I have a kissing plot and two gigantic men who think my face is a trophy!" Vael screamed, shaking the God's metallic foot. "Please, just reduce the count! One wife is enough! Ninety-nine can go home! I can't handle this! I'm begging you!"
The Divine Presence simply replied:
"I AM A GOD, VAEL. NOT A RECEPTIONIST. NOW, RETURN. YOUR HAREM AWAITS."
Aethel's foot recoiled. A portal snapped open beneath Vael.
Vael shrieked as he fell: "NOOOOOO! DON'T SEND ME BACK! PLEASE, AT LEAST BLOCK THE KISSING PLOT! ANYTHIIIIING!"
Vael woke up back on the lodge floor, Kaelan and Grunt staring at him with concern. The wives were still arguing.
Vael sat up, breathing heavily. He was alive. He had asked for a favor.
He looked at the women and the two male admirers. He looked at the ceiling and whispered: Thank you, Aethel. You saved me!
Then, he heard Seraphina shriek: "The Consort is awake! Quick! Initiate the Feigned Illness Sub-Plot! Kiss him now!"
Vael's eyes widened in renewed horror. Aethel! You didn't do anything! He realized the nightmare was only getting worse.