I need to back off from this. I need to. I can't do this. I am just learning how to live without him, and in just one moment everything gets changed. He came, which is the next to impossible thing in this universe. He just came. I am not Alice in Wonderland, definitely not. I keep on saying all these things to myself under the blanket. Please, please, he is an actor, and how did I get dragged here in this audition, this look test, what is all this? I am still not getting all this. What does life want? Why bringing him right in front of me? Tell me, when did I pray for this? I know I'll never get him, then why this? Why breaking my disbelief? Why?
Today when we were doing the look test, the way he came near me, held my hand… just that, my Mr. Heart skipped a beat. That 17-year-old fan girl of his is still living inside me, and I don't want her to come out again to spoil my life. I gathered a lot of courage to hold that girl back in me, but the moment I saw you everything got blurred. I forgot everything, and that 17-year-old girl came back. I saw her glimpse today in me while doing the look test with him.
Then I wiped my tears, rubbed my face with both of my hands, placed my hand on my Mr. Heart, closed my eyes and said, "I am 22-year-old Zhao Shiza, and I am not that 17-year-old high school girl who fell for him. My dream is to make my family and friends proud and win my Mama's forgiveness and live with my family and friends in this world my whole life like this only. This is the only thing that matters to me now, nothing else."
Then I came out of my blanket and saw it was 6pm in the afternoon. I went to my study table and was going to write them a mail that I am not doing this drama, but the moment I opened my mail, a new mail popped up. It was from the official director's team stating:
"Miss Zhao Shiza, we are happy to inform you that we are going to start the shooting of our drama series Míshī zài nǐ de ài lǐ ('Lost In Your Love') by tomorrow early morning. Its first schedule will be in Shanghai only. We will send you the address for the shooting location tomorrow. Please be on time and give an application to your university about you not attending classes for 56 days because of the shooting, so an application for granting you leave on these days from tomorrow onwards. Thanks, have a nice day."
And below it, there was a link.
When I opened that link, it was the pictures of today's look test. Yes—our pictures. I had never thought that I would ever be able to click pictures with him. Never, not even in my dreams. But the moment I saw the pictures, I opened the first one and here it is. I gave a faint smile and said to myself, "I am looking so small in front of him." Then I immediately realized what I said. No. I can't do this again. Why is destiny doing this with me? Why making something possible which I also know can never be possible? Why?
"Woowwww."
A voice came behind my back, breaking all my self-conversation. It was none other than Wang Ruoxi.
"See how cute you both are looking," she said, seeing the photos on my laptop behind me. "See, you are looking like a small kid and he is looking like your protector. Like protector of this kid. Hey look, isn't his expression saying that if you touch my girl then you'll die types?"
She asked me excitedly.
"It's just a pose for the story. Don't think much," I said to her while moving my eyes away from that photo.
"Ok, but tell me one thing. Why didn't you tell me the male lead actor in the drama is the Xu Yuan? Why didn't you tell me the moment you came back from giving the look test and entered the dorm? Tell me why didn't you say it's Xu Yuan? Why did you say you don't know that actor? You know Xu Yuan. I know everyone knows him. He is China's heartthrob, the most famous actor, and he has so many dramas and is still shooting more. His recent period drama which is currently running is winning hearts all over China and across the nation, where he played some prince role. And you said you didn't know who Xu Yuan is? It's completely a lie, Shiza, and I am not getting why you're lying about such a small thing," she said doubtingly.
I took a long breath and said, "Look Ruoxi, I was not in my proper mind at that time. I am not an actress. I am an ordinary girl. I don't have the habit of doing look tests and going on shoots. It's all very new and strange for me. And at that time when you asked me about this, I was completely out of mind and confused. That's why I couldn't tell you it's Xu Yuan. Because I know you are a big fan of him and I definitely would have taken his autograph for you, but I couldn't do that because it was all so strange."
"Ok, relax, relax Shiza, I get it," said Wang Ruoxi, rubbing my back to calm me.
I know whatever I was saying to her is a lie. A big lie. But it's nothing to do with her. This lie won't hurt her, and if a lie doesn't hurt anyone, then there is nothing wrong with telling a lie. Sometimes a lie can save you. These were my inner thoughts going on in my head.
Then I moved back toward my laptop and started writing the mail.
Wang Ruoxi asked me, "Who are you writing a mail to?"
"To the director team," I replied.
"Why? Did they ask you?"
"No," I said. "I just want to write it because I am backing off from this project."
"Are you mad? This is such a big opportunity, no one gets it, and you are just backing off?"
"Yes, because I want to live a simple peaceful life. I want to live with my family, with you. I want my Mama's forgiveness and I want to make them proud by becoming a good interior designer. And in all this, there is no space for this uninvited thing for me."
Wang Ruoxi immediately snatched my laptop and said, "If you write this, I'll throw your laptop far away."
"Are you mad? There are lots of designs and furniture layout drawings in it, of both of us!"
"So what? We'll fail together. But if you write that mail, then I'll throw it right away. You know I am your friend. I am also very stubborn."
"Wang Ruoxi, this is not a game. You're not a kid, just give it back."
"No!" And then she ran into the corridor holding the laptop in her hand.
I ran behind her but lost sight of her. She disappeared. I called her name in the corridor but no reply. After 15 minutes of searching the whole corridor, I came back to the dorm.
And there I saw Wang Ruoxi standing in the room with the phone at her ear. I came inside and asked, "Whom are you talking to?"
She didn't say anything. She just handed me her phone.
I took the phone and said, "Hello?"
And the reply came:
"Why are you not doing the drama? Aren't you interested in doing drama since childhood? You do a lot of drama with us also and make a lot of fuss, right?"
"But Bàba, then I was a child and foolish and didn't know anything. Now I am a mature girl. I know my directions and paths and I don't—"
He cut me in between.
"No, never call your childhood foolish. A child is never foolish or stupid. They do what their heart tells them. They are the purest. And my qīn'ài de nǚ'ér is never wrong. She is the purest one. Whatever she likes and does is always right. Believe in yourself. I know I am your bàba, I know my daughter—what she likes and what she doesn't. Isn't it when you were 7 years old you told me, 'Bàba I want to do drama series,' while watching dramas? You said, 'Bàba, I want to become China's most famous and most lovable actress.'"
I put my eyes down. I was silent, with no answer.
"So when destiny gives you a chance, take it. Because destiny has very different plans that we don't know now. We know it only later. This or that happens to you, so live today. You will definitely become a good interior designer and make all of us proud. But now, just do what has come in front of you. Don't throw away this blessing you got, ok?"
And I replied, "Ok bàba, I understand what you are trying to say. I'll not back off from this."
"Yes, this is like my Zhao Shiza. My daughter is very stubborn. If she decides something, she definitely does it. Not even she herself can stop her from doing it."
I laughed and said, "Ok, I am hanging up now. wǎn'ān."
"wǎn'ān," he said, and the call ended.
Then I looked back and gave Wang Ruoxi a daring look. Before I could say anything, she said:
"Ooo please, don't curse me. I called your uncle because I know only he can make his spoilt brat understand the situation. Look how thoughtful a friend you got. Only a few people get this type of blessing, and you are in that few," she said dramatically, with a proud face.
"Ok, but be ready for the punishment."
"What punishment?" she asked surprisingly.
"This."
And then I took her down to the bed and started tickling her. Ruoxi couldn't stop laughing and said, "Ok, this is the worst punishment I got," and then we both laughed.
And here the night came while solving today's chaos. It's 9:09pm, a quiet night. Winter is about to come in Shanghai very soon. And for this moment, I forgot everything and just laughed with Wang Ruoxi.
And here today's day ended well…