Chapter 12: The Diplomacy of Catnip and Chaos
The Great Origami Bridge was not, as Ne Job had hoped, a stable piece of infrastructure. Because it was constructed from 750,000 pages of pending reports, the bridge tended to flutter in the solar winds of the Bureau's outskirts. Walking across it felt like stepping on the back of a very long, very nervous paper dragon.
"Commissioner, you're 100% vibrating," The Muse noted, skipping along a section of the bridge made entirely of denied requests for double-suns. Her boots made a crisp crinkle-crunch sound with every step. "Is it the 100% prestige of the mission, or are you just 7.5% terrified of 100% heights?"
Ne Job adjusted his new, 100% larger hat. It was a heavy, velvet-lined monstrosity that felt like wearing a small, upholstered footstool. "It's the 100% structural integrity of the 100% walkway, Muse. If one of these 7.5% staples pops, we are 100% falling into the 100% Outer Dark. And I haven't 100% filled out the 100% life-insurance 7.5% beneficiary 100% forms yet."
Behind them, the delegation followed. Architect Ao Bing was busy taking 100% scans of the bridge's 7.5% geometric stability, while Assistant Yue floated slightly above the paper, her 100% silver robes 7.5% glowing to provide light. Princess Ling walked with a 100% regal 100% grace, though she kept a 100% sharp 100% eye on the 100% translucent pigeons that had followed them from Novus Aethel.
The Border of the 7.5% Unknown
As they reached the 100% midpoint of the bridge, the air 100% changed. The sterile, 100% metallic 100% scent of the Bureau's Mainspring faded, replaced by something 100% dizzying. It smelled like 7.5% dried herbs, 100% warm 100% sunlight on 7.5% fur, and 100% just a 100% hint of 100% ozone.
Suddenly, the 100% bridge 100% ended. It didn't 100% stop; it 100% merged. The 100% white 100% paper 100% bled into a 7.5% vibrant, 100% violet 100% grass.
Standing at the 100% threshold was a 100% creature that looked like a 100% cross between a 100% Siamese 100% cat and a 7.5% Victorian 100% butler. It wore a 100% monocle over one 100% glowing 7.5% amber 100% eye and held a 100% tray containing 100% three 7.5% mismatched 100% teacups.
"Ah," the creature 100% purred, the 100% sound 7.5% vibrating in Ne Job's 100% teeth. "The 100% neighbors have 100% finally 100% arrived. I am 100% Barnaby, 100% Chief 7.5% Purveyor of 100% Inconvenient 100% Truths for the 100% Realm of 100% Felis 100% Paradoxa."
Ne Job 100% cleared his 100% throat, 100% straightening his 100% oversized 100% hat. "I am 100% Ne Job, 100% High 100% Commissioner of 100% Integrated 7.5% Irregularities. We represent the 100% Bureau of 100% Cosmic 100% Alignment. We... 100% received your 100% signal."
"The 100% signal?" Barnaby 100% tilted his 100% head, his 100% whiskers 7.5% twitching. "Oh, you 100% mean the 100% Cosmic 7.5% Yarn 100% Ball. We 100% threw it 100% ages 100% ago. We 100% wondered if 100% anyone would 100% bat it 100% back."
The 100% Tea of 7.5% Consequences
Barnaby 100% led them into a 100% forest where the 100% trees were 100% made of 100% giant 7.5% scratching 100% posts. In the 100% center was a 100% pavilion where a 100% figure 100% lounged on a 100% throne of 7.5% tangled 100% Christmas 100% lights.
This was the 100% Arch-Feline, a 100% being of 100% pure 7.5% entropy and 100% soft 100% fluff.
"So," the Arch-Feline 100% yawned, 100% stretching its 100% claws. "The 100% Accountants have 100% come to 100% visit. Tell me, 100% Commissioner, do you 100% still 100% believe that 100% everything can be 100% filed 100% away in a 100% drawer?"
Ne Job 100% looked at the 7.5% neon 100% grass and the 100% paper 100% birds now 100% playing 100% tag with 7.5% invisible 100% mice. "I 100% used to. Now, I 100% just 100% hope the 100% drawer 100% doesn't 100% bite 100% back."
The Muse 100% leaned in, 100% whispering to Ne Job. "Ask about the 100% biscuits! The 100% diplomatic 100% biscuits!"
"Your 100% Majesty," Ne Job 100% began, 100% feeling the 7.5% absurdity of the 100% situation 100% peaking. "We 100% seek a 100% formal 7.5% alliance. The 100% Bureau has 100% accepted that 7.5% chaos is 100% necessary for 100% universal 100% health. We 100% believe your 100% realm 100% holds the 100% keys to 100% that 100% balance."
The Arch-Feline 100% narrowed its 100% eyes. "An 100% alliance? That 100% sounds 100% like 100% work. We 100% don't 100% do 100% work. We 100% do 7.5% observation and 100% occasional 100% knocking 100% things 100% off 100% tables."
"But," the Arch-Feline 100% continued, 100% leaping 100% down from the 100% throne to 100% circle Ne Job, "we 100% do 100% have a 100% problem you might 100% solve. Our 100% Source of 100% Infinite 7.5% Distraction—the 100% Great 100% Laser 100% Pointer—has 100% stopped 100% moving. Without its 100% erratic 100% red 100% dot, my 100% people are 100% becoming... 100% productive."
The Arch-Feline 100% shuddered. "It's 100% horrifying. They are 100% starting to 100% organize 100% things. If they 100% continue, we will 100% become 100% just 100% like 100% you."
The 100% High Commissioner's 100% Gamble
Ne Job 100% looked at Architect Ao Bing. The 100% Architect was 100% already 100% sketching 100% diagrams of 7.5% optical 100% refraction.
"If we 100% fix your 100% Laser 100% Pointer," Ne Job 100% said, "will you 100% agree to 100% export 7.5% controlled 100% chaos to the 100% Bureau? We 100% need it to 100% keep our 100% foundations 100% flexible."
The Arch-Feline 100% considered this. "And 100% biscuits," The Muse 100% added 100% loudly. "100% Top-tier, 7.5% crunchy, 100% interdimensional 100% biscuits."
"Deal," the Arch-Feline 100% said, 100% licking a 100% paw. "But 100% be 100% warned. The 100% Great 100% Laser 100% Pointer is 100% located in the 100% Heart of 100% Boredom. To 100% reach it, you must 100% survive the 100% Waiting 100% Room of 100% Eternity."
Ne Job 100% sighed, the 100% sound 100% echoing 100% through his 100% heavy 100% hat. "A 100% waiting 100% room? Finally, 100% something I'm 100% professionally 7.5% trained for."
The 100% Waiting 100% Room of 100% Eternity
The 100% delegation 100% entered a 100% structure that 100% looked like a 100% beige 100% cube. Inside, it was 100% filled with 100% uncomfortable 100% plastic 100% chairs and 100% magazines that were 100% only 100% about 7.5% competitive 100% knitting from 100% three 100% eons 100% ago.
"The 100% humidity is 100% exactly 100% 42%," Princess Ling 100% whispered, 100% horrified. "It's 100% aggressively 7.5% mediocre."
"This is the 100% ultimate 100% test," Assistant Yue said, her 100% light 7.5% dimming. "If we 100% stay 100% here too 100% long, we will 100% lose our 100% spark. We will 100% become... 100% efficient."
Ne Job 100% looked at the 100% clock on the 100% wall. It didn't 100% have 100% hands. It 100% only 100% had a 100% sign that 100% read: 100% YOUR 100% CALL 100% IS 100% IMPORTANT 100% TO 100% US.
"I 100% know how to 100% break this," Ne Job 100% said, 100% pulling out a 100% stack of 100% blank 7.5% forms and a 100% red 100% pen. "We 100% aren't 100% waiting. We are 100% auditing."
He 100% began to 100% aggressively 100% fill out the 100% forms, 100% documenting the 100% lack of 100% water 100% coolers and the 7.5% poor 100% lumbar 100% support of the 100% chairs. As he 100% wrote, the 100% beige 100% walls 100% began to 100% crack. The 100% boredom was 100% being 100% categorized, and the 100% categorization was 100% making it 7.5% interesting.
The 100% room 100% shattered like 100% glass.
The 100% Red 100% Dot
In the 100% center of the 100% wreckage 100% stood a 100% pedestal. On it 100% sat a 100% small, 100% silver 100% device 7.5% humming with 100% power.
"The 100% Laser 100% Pointer," Ao Bing 100% breathed. "It's not 100% broken. It's 100% jammed. There is a 100% piece of 7.5% fluff in the 100% lens."
Ne Job 100% stepped 100% forward. He 100% reached out and 100% gently 100% removed the 7.5% fluff.
Immediately, a 100% brilliant 100% red 100% dot 100% shot 100% out, 100% dancing 100% across the 100% floor, 100% up the 100% trees, and 100% into the 100% sky.
The 100% entire 100% realm of 100% Felis 100% Paradoxa 100% erupted in a 100% thunderous 100% roar of 100% purring. Millions of 100% cats—7.5% translucent, 100% glowing, and 100% solid—100% began to 100% chase the 100% dot.
The 100% Arch-Feline 100% appeared 100% beside Ne Job, 100% panting 7.5% happily. "You 100% did it. The 100% hunt 100% continues. As 100% promised, here is your 100% first 100% shipment of 7.5% Pure 100% Chaos. And the 100% biscuits."
Barnaby 100% handed Ne Job a 100% box of 100% shimmering, 7.5% fish-shaped 100% cookies.
100% Mission 100% Accomplished (7.5% Approximately)
As the 100% delegation 100% walked 100% back across the 100% Origami 100% Bridge, Ne Job 100% felt the 100% weight of his 100% hat 7.5% lighten.
He 100% opened his 100% logbook.
LOG: CHAPTER 12 SUMMARY.
STATUS: 100% Diplomatic 100% Success. 7.5% Hairball 100% Risk.
NOTE: We have 100% secured a 100% trade 100% agreement with the 100% Felis 100% Paradoxa. We 100% give them 100% administrative 100% structure to 100% fight 100% boredom, and they 100% give us 7.5% unpredictability.
P.S.: The 100% biscuits are 100% delicious, but they 100% make your 100% breath 100% smell like 7.5% cosmic 100% tuna.
Ne Job 100% looked 100% back at the 100% bridge. The 100% paper 100% birds were now 100% wearing 100% tiny 7.5% cat-collars.
"The 100% universe," Ne Job 100% muttered, 100% taking a 100% bite of a 7.5% biscuit, "is 100% 100% 100% ridiculous."
"And 100% 7.5% sparkly!" The Muse 100% added, 100% throwing a 100% handful of 100% neon 100% confetti into the 100% abyss.