They say that seeing your doppelganger is a bad omen. A symbol of death or misfortune, some say they come to replace you or sometimes, in some spiritual views, a doppelgänger might represent another version of you in a parallel universe or your shadow self—the side of you that you don't normally see.
Deborah's POV
My parents used to say. "Deborah, we named you after a brave female leader." Maybe because they know that it's a tough world and I need to be tough so they gave me a tough name. So ever since, I was expected to be a fighter, not a warrior and not only a survivor.
Well, a warrior fights with a purpose and identity; the fighter focuses on the act of fighting itself and a survivor is someone who does whatever is necessary to stay alive.
And my second name, Liway, is from the word "Liwayway," which means "the dawn."
They said it means to see hope in the sunrise.
Cassis means wine.
So it's all about seeing hope in brave leadership with wine.
My father passed away when I was young. Then my siblings and I take over the family needs up until everyone graduates, gets on with their life, and settles down. Our youngest brother stayed with our mom residing in our ancestral house since the youngest always inherits those kinds of things, you know.
So, I lived separately and alone for a while now.
I got to meet my family during holiday season altogether with the other family members and they keep nagging me to get married. It became the same statement over and over again. I'm afraid, me being the topic will never expire as long as I live.
Maybe somebody will ask me why I've been single this whole time and maybe I'll answer those relationships aren't meant to work for me and they'll counter maybe I was the problem this whole time.
But I was always the girl with big dreams and achievements are the flattery that can move me, not because I am good but because I failed a lot and those rare things satisfy me. Not to get human attention I am not a fan of too much attention though, but because I did my best and I worked hard for it. I am a free spirit who has passion and dreams and romance? It is nothing but a cage that made someone to either lose focus or lose yourself in the process.
Psychiatrists might diagnose it as avoidant attachment personality. They'll say I was traumatized but I label that as protection and preservation and not some abnormalities. I'm done thinking it is. Yes, it is indeed trauma but not abnormality. If I do agree that it is. Its me surrendering myself for it will surely result to more insecurities and abnormalities. I won't be able to live normally.
Maybe relationships in this life will never satisfy me. Of course, I am human too, When I was young I always believe in love and I've actually tried on working out relationships again and again. I don't know what had happen. Why did I ended up being this dense?
Maybe I'm just unlucky when it comes to love and I find no joy or interest in this actual world's romance anymore. Maybe all I can see are the things that I cannot compromise?
I guess everyone is always selfish; that's why I became selfish as well.
Funny, my mom always tells me that if you love someone you are willing to give yourself to that person, your whole life but everytime I feel romantically attached towards somebody, I will only feel fear.
You give and ran out.
After every failed attempt, I will go back to the track I left and continue my journey again, like an unfinished chapter of a book.
My friends encourage me to look for an acquintance or rather intimacy but not even a single one feels like home. It was always lacking, how I can't entrust myself to that? To the thing that brings guilt, self-doubt, insecurities and fear again and again?
Everything is to compromise and surrender all that I am and all that I have worked hard for and disregard what I feel.
Then, I will be needed to take care of myself fixing all the damage done.
There are men whom I got close to while working but men are always much better when they are your family or friends because they will honestly care for you not because of something else.
They can't even keep up even though I am average. I feel deeply and think widely and maybe those inconsideration. Now that I have grown up and old, hinders me from settling, discourage me from surrendering.
Maybe I've grown too tough?or I get too numb? Who knows?
Not to mention, I work as a scriptwriter for a living and do church faculty tasks. This is also a way to see my mother, who is enthusiastically devoted to faith. I am a devotee as well but a little rebellious, friendly sometimes and sometimes aloof.
I started serving in a young age. So, I have climbed up the ladder to become a trained leader. In short, I am fortunately included in the council. I'm a nobody of course. Mostly things are easier to handle if you already know how. It was years of learning and the things that made it difficult were rejecting correction and immaturity. It will often go smoothly if you are really devoted.
An jnteresting thing I find out was it is sometimes like those ancient Korean court dramas where people in positions move in malice.
So, you need to know how to deal people without losing your position. It is possible if you keep quiet and play dumb. You'll just became the target if you contradict them or you become a threat. Especially, when you handle narcissistic manipulators with position, influence and authority. People will side with them because they believe the accusations. They will use your reactions that they triggered, gaslighting you and a lot of invalidation. It is harder when you are staying in a place with them because they will most likely to take over. They will rule and plant insecurities and fear. So if you don't know who you are and you go against them just prepare your mental health.
I have another problem and it started when I was younger. There are people born with implanted spiritual gifts and senses. I am one of them, having an open and active 6th sense. I must have inherit that from one of my parents. In spiritually sensitive people, there is a certain phase in their lives when their 6th sense is very active or at its peak.
For me, it was always active up until my 16th year of age. When the so-called harmony was disrupted without any specific reason or maybe there is, I just don't know. Every harmless unnatural thins that I am seeing turns violent and the negative started to appear and haunted me. There is no other choice but to let the senses diminish just to save my sanity or simply save myself.
After those years of survival, the senses became milder. It was the price I needed to pay just to live normally. However, after those years of ignoring and forced peace, a much bigger terror came knocking on my door when the thing I was ignoring faced me once again.
My father used to say that he had seen death before. He went inside the house and closed all the doors and windows. It arrives like a gust of wind. You'll know because the leaves where it passed were all rustling as it moves forward while the trees at the surrounding area remains unbothered by a single breeze.
When it entered a certain place, people started to die one by one, even animals.
How the holy text said that it just passes through houses to spare whom it is meant to spare.
I don't know if I'll be grateful to witness it in my lifetime. How terrifying it might be to those who are vulnerable and selected to die?
END of POV