If I've started writing the second part, it means I must be stuck somewhere again.
My longing for D is growing exponentially. I can't do anything. I just take care of my basic needs, drink my coffee, sleep, and on top of that, I cry constantly.
There is no one in my life who wonders how I am, except for the man I love...
I don't have any proper friends. I talk to A occasionally.
I can't work; I can't sleep.
This isn't me.
I tried to return to my old self, and it lasted one day.
I felt so good... until the earthquake hit again... This earthquake is destroying me.
I can't get used to it. I need to do other things to not think...
I was thinking... in high school, the source of my ambition, that great motivation, was their belittlement.
My surroundings always made me feel like I was a nerd and ugly. I had long hair and always wore it in two braids. I admit, I led the nerds. I used to study so crazily; you'd call it psychotic. But because I got what I wanted, I felt a secret pride. My primary motivation was to make my family happy.
Now my mother is very unhappy, and I have been deeply wounded. I still haven't gotten used to the loss of my close friend. Should I mourn her unfinished life? The memories that appear when I close my eyes? Or the fact that we parted on bad terms?
I was so deeply wounded. This pain, born from my pride, will last with me until the grave, I know. Because we couldn't even talk one last time.
The last time I hugged her was on her birthday. The last time I saw her was in the elevator.
That ponytail looked so good on her. That day, her big eyes turned and looked at me for the last time.
How could I have known it would be the last time I'd see her...
My heart is so shattered... aside from the pain I feel, my regret is destroying me. I miss her so much. And I have no one by my side to talk to, to share my sorrow with...
I miss you so much, D. There's a longing inside me for flower gardens brimming with beautiful scents...
While scrolling through X, crying, I read a new saying:
"The period of forgetting what I feel and remembering what I deserve."
It feels like the time for me to enter this period has come and is already passing...
This is so hard for me. I feel my heart being crushed, aching.
I don't know if it's from longing and regret.
Instead of the pain of what I've lost, I must hold on tighter to what I have now and what could be.
Well, G, What do you think you deserve right now?
While mourning my losses, I'm also saddening those I still have, and maybe I will upset them in the future too. There's a possibility I could hurt them. At the very least, I think I can make the future beautiful. I can make it beautiful for myself and for those I have, for the future.
Yes, today is the LAST DAY of my mourning...
I will remember you with longing, D. I KNOW YOU SEE AND HEAR ME. I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US. YES, I HAVE REGRETS, BUT WE BOTH MADE MISTAKES.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED US TO PART LIKE THIS EITHER.
I WAS JUST HURT THAT YOU LET GO SO EASILY.
I WAS SO UPSET WITH YOU ONLY BECAUSE I WAS SOMEONE YOU COULD ERASE SO EASILY.
BUT EVEN SO, MY LOVE FOR YOU NEVER FADED. I WAS HURT.
WITH THE HOPE THAT WE MEET AGAIN IN THE SAME DIMENSION
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
You know, D, I thought about it, and if I had died in your place, I would have wanted you to carry on despite everything. I would have told you that nothing is important, that everything is empty.
And I would have told you that I love you so much. I would have said you have a whole life ahead of you; live it. Just go for it, D...
I'm glad we met; we collected beautiful memories together. No matter what hurts came between us, my love for you will always exist and persist in this body, my big-eyed girl...
Do you remember the evening I argued with my brother, I was crying in the dorm, and you hugged me tightly and told me these days would pass? I wish you would come back, hug me, and tell me it will pass, D...
I need that so much right now...
For you to hug me and tell me everything will pass... I will keep you alive in our memories. Your cutie pie always loved you; I just wish you knew that.