-Do you hear it? The sounds I mean. İ wouldn't expect you to see it or know what it is but you can faintly hear it. I am talking to myself but it's not in my head. The words are coming out of my mouth. Am I in my mind? Is this my dreamscape? My consciousness? I don't recall sleeping or suffering a blow to the head or something. But even in my confusion I can still hear it. I know exactly what it is, but I can't define it, explain it. It is something etched in me, it is something that defines me. I would lose a chunk of myself if it disappeared. But I'll ask again, do you hear it? The flames, fire, heat. The sounds that sound eerily similar to the stock fireplace sounds used on TV channels that play music with that fireplace in the background. Don't get the wrong idea though, something isn't burning. It is simply made out of fire. It's nature is directly correlated with fire. It's beautiful, but I can only look at it. I want to lift it, admire it closely but I'm too scared to do it. İt burns so amazingly. My flower. My flower whose petals are made of fire. My flower who I know so well but I can't manage to explain it. What are you, my flower? Or are you something else entirely. I want to eat you. My flower, I want to devour you. Devour each and every one of your petals made out of fire. I want to devour you, so that you can devour me from the inside. My flower, are you mine? Do you appreciate me, my flower? Can you hear me, my flower? Your shape is so distinctive that it doesn't resemble any of the flowers I know. Are you unique, my flower? Or are you unique only to me? What is your meaning, my flower? I have to know. It's why I haven't stomped on you or thrown you into the garbage yet. Or just ate you straight up. Your meaning is your only saving grace, my flower…
My flower, are you-
*********TV STATİC*********
September 3rd
Emptiness, it's a concept that I have a keen interest in mainly because of what it represents and what can be applied to it. Let's take for example a shelf with nothing on it, you put something on that shelf and suddenly the concept of emptiness doesn't apply to that shelf because of the presence of an object. The punchline is that if you attempt to apply this seemingly obvious concept to something like emotions and the heart, it just doesn't work. If you try to put something in an empty heart it doesn't automatically erase the concept of emptiness for that empty heart. Even if you don't have a heart and if there's nothing in your heart, it will stay empty no matter what's put inside it. And the sky, it represents emptiness to a tea, there's nothing in the sky outside of clouds and the occasional change in the weather, the sky is vast as it is empty, even planes or the occasional birds don't do anything to erase that emptiness. What I'm trying to do here is link emptiness to the one concept that I adore more than any other concept, it's what you would use to describe this conundrum, ambiguous, or simply put ambiguity. My adoration for ambiguity is nothing more than pure admiration and longing. Emptiness and ambiguity are like best friends, emptiness as a concept is ambiguous and ambiguity as a concept empty.
There wasn't much of a point to what I tried to explain to you there, not everything I say is particularly important, not everything needs to be important, it can be ambiguous or empty and I will still be excited to tell you. Oh right, I should fulfill my duties as a narrator huh? But before I fulfill my duties as a narrator can I just gush about this plane for a bit? Everyone knows what a plane is right?
Good. For a standard, run of the mill plane it's imploding with little details and underappreciated delicacies. The white paint that covers the plane is a very bright shade of white but there is a tiny sliver of red and blue used at the sharp edges of its components that add a neat depth to it. The nose of the plane is masterfully constructed with the perfect shape in mind, not too rounded like the face of an obese child that had been fed nothing but processed sugar and slop bought at a third-rate supermarket, but not too pointy to the point where it looks like a de facto disabled goblin that looks like it'll try to steal amber instead of gold because it confused the two. The seats of the plane also merit a shout-out too, they are evenly placed, three seats on each side and the relatively tight corridor is perfectly symmetrical, even the seats that are right next to the emergency situated near the center of the plane don't break the symmetry of the plane and possess an equal distance from the row of seats both in front and back of it. But the individual seats themselves are also a sight to behold, the back of the seats is painted a beige color, but it doesn't look like the seats has been taken over by years of mold and maintain a fair amount of decency, and the cushions of the seats are painted a nice, respectable navy blue, perfect for appreciation. And as for what the plane is doing, the plane is doing…well flying through the sky at high speeds. Now I think you also know that a plane is used to transport a lot of people at once, that is the norm for planes, especially commercial planes like this one.
So, of course there is only one, singular passenger on this plane. Yup just one. The passenger in question is sitting in a seat at the back of the plane, left side of the aircraft, the window seat actually, this man…is more of a boy really, his face possesses a certain air of maturity while still retaining the recognizable facial structure of a person below the age of eighteen. His expression could be described as stoic, but that wouldn't be too accurate, he has a poker face, similar to a resting bitch face but a bit more softer, like he just got out of a 20 hour shift and is tired as all hell not to mention that air of melancholy and tranquility that seems downright creepy. His eyes though are the one part of him that's confusing, the bags under his eyes look rough and already resemble the bags of a 50 year old blue collar worker. The shape of his eyes is hooded, but the most notable aspect is that his eyes are the most emotionless part of his entire face, they look empty, they convey nothing, they can't be read and most of the time people look at his eyes and think that he must be depressed. His eyes could be the most captivating and repulsing part of his face depending on the person or time. Not to mention his pupils, even though they're empty, they're not. His pupils resemble TV static. The type of TV static that you would see on old TVs when you opened cable after a certain. The gray black and white type of static actually. İf you listen real close you might start to ear TV static noises coming from his eyes. He also looks like he just woke up.
His clothes are…eccentric at best and funky at worst. He has a Purple Heart earring on one ear and a flower earring which seems to take the shape of a flower burning in the other ear, twin metal chains attached to a sleek latex collar that descend to his hip. He wears a white shirt, the kind that office workers wear, jet black jeans and finally a gray trench coat meant for spring that goes all the way down to his knees. His sneakers are a mix of black gray and white, a bit ugly if you ask me, he would usually wear boots but since it's the end of summer the weather is still fairly hot so he doesn't want his feet to turn into the next radioactive zone from the heat. He has black headphones on and is listening to music, an anime opening to be specific, the second opening of an anime about a master manipulator using dumb ass rebels at his disposal to fight an empire and make his sister happy. İ don't really want to mention this but he's also wearing a cast around his right arm, causing the coat to look a bit weird. The song ends and he looks at his phone; 10%, he looks at his portable battery; 0%, he looks at his portable game console that doubles as a PC; 0%, he takes out his laptop from his computer bag and stares at the pitch-black screen… the battery percentage is pretty self-explanatory. He looks at the portable battery for his game console; 0%, he then looks at his white, wireless earbuds whose battery is displayed on a small screen ;0%. He looks at the battery percentage of his headphones on his phone; 87%. He closes his phone and turns off his headphones, looking at the sky solemnly, admiring the emptiness while sighing, good on him.
And then suddenly, grey. Grey, all gray and nothing but grey. I'm referring to the…hallucination/illusion, that materialized right next to him, a gray, carbon copy of him, the only difference being the massive sword planted in the left side of his chest that looks like it would be used by a blond, spiky haired rebel. No seriously, it's gigantic, too big to be a long sword, too wide to be a katana. Even an odachi doesn't compare to it. It resembles a sword used by a dark swordsman and could probably slay dragons.
-Murica, eh?
The voice is curious and possesses an air of cynicism behind it, but also a good amount of calmness mixed between. He turns, his previously melancholic and tranquil expression and poker face disappear instantaneously, replaced by an expression of disgust and loathing with traces of resentment sprinkled here and there as he stares at him in silence.
-Goooooood morning! Or is it afternoon?
He looks at the hallucination, displaying a respectable amount of disdain on his face for someone attempting to maintain a poker face.
-Come on, why the hostility?
He doesn't answer and continues to stare at him in silence.
-You were alone and had nothing to do so I decided to just have a nice chat with you, since, you know, I'm literally you after all.
-False.
A single word escapes his lips in a raspy monotone voice that doesn't do him any favors.
-How come?
-When you say "I'm you" you're insinuating that you're all of me when you're clearly not. If you are in fact me, you represent, at most, a small part of me. There's nothing more to it.
-You say that but if I represent a small part of you how can I appear before you like this? If you are hallucinating me then that must mean that I am at least an important part of you.
-…
-Don't worry about it, if you don't know what I am then I have no idea either, but you have to stop denying that I am you or at least a part of you.
-What do you want?
-A nice chat.
-…
-İt can be about anything! Like having a nice chat about having a nice chat.
-That's kinda stupid.
-İt actually isn't, you might not realize it but people talk and chat about talking and chatting all the time.
-Yet they never end up doing it.
-Exactly, So how about-
-Maybe you should take their example.
The hallucination looks at him with a plain expression, feeling depressed.
-*sigh* Ok well, don't you think it's kind of hilarious how you're the only person on this plane?
-I mean, the plane got delayed by 3 days and the airline was too stingy to give out refunds so everyone just left and booked another ticket, it's damn cheap after all.
-But why did you wait?
The hallucinations voice becomes teasing and cheery a contrast to his curious and vindictive tone from earlier.
-Don't pretend to not know.
-Yea yea, you despised the idea of informing father and didn't want to ask him to book another ticket, I know.
-Do not bring him up.
-Sorry, sorry my bad. Hey, how about starting that book that you brought with you?
-I really don't want to.
-And why is that?
-Listen, when I heard "divine comedy" I thought I was going to be in for the time of my life, I thought it was going to be the most hilarious shit I would ever read…how could I have known that it was a story about going to hell and heaven and writing analysis's on them and the seven cardinal sins.
-But still, didn't you think that something might be up when you also heard "Dante's inferno"?
-When I heard "Dante" I thought of the wacky woo-hoo pizza man, didn't think much of it. But even then, this book is about the sins huh? That's a bummer, I was looking forward to reading it.
-…Oh yeah, you have a complicated relationship with the sins eh?
-I guess I do.
He shuts down further questions about that subject and quickly moves on to another.
-Errrr…How about your arm? İ mean you have to be glad that you can remove it next Saturday?
-Oh? Oh yeah, my arm.
He looks at his arm and feels a bit confused.
-İ sometimes forget that my arm is broken. İ…That's right, I don't even remember how I broke my arm.
-Huh? Well isn't that something? İs there a reason as to why you don't remember how it was broken?
-İ have no idea. İ was in my room, then I was in the hospital getting my arm checked. My father told me that I fell pretty hard but…İt's just too convenient that I fell so hard that I hit my arm and head at around the same time and manage to get a concussion and break my arm.
-İ agree, but if you can't remember then you'll have to leggo of it for now. Oh, I just remembered! What about your second portable console? It should have some battery left over right?
-That thing? The one that I didn't even bother to check the battery of? No thanks. I've already finish every game on it.
-But those games have great replayability value! You didn't even 100% most of 'em!
-I don't care! The hybrid console I use now is way better than that old thing. Hell, it can even run the older ones games via emulation. I have no need for it.
-But you had such a good time with that console. You liked it to bits and pieces! You got so upset when even a barely visible scratch appeared on it! Nowadays, you don't even bother to clean the screen.
-Yeah, its called growing up. I'm not going to be attached to a console I played with when I was a kid. Not necessarily me but there aren't any other ways to explain it.
-But you can still cherish the console can't you?
-İt's better to just forget about it. I'm an adult after all.
-You are not an adult. You're still in high-school.
-Last year of high-school. I'm basically an adult so let's not pretend that I'm not.
-Do you truly believe that you are an adult? Or is that belief one that was imposed on you?
-İt may not be the case now but it will be the truth in a matter of months. A year at best.
-But until that time, you are not an adult. So don't go saying that you are one.
-Oh, what difference does it make? Everybody says that it's time to "act your age" so I'm just doing that? If no one sees me as a kid, why should I believe that I'm a kid? It's a matter of age, not mentality.
-You give too much thought to the opinions of others. Yes, the time to grow up is fast approaching but that doesn't necessarily mean that you'll become an adult. Most people in their 20s and such don't even think of themselves as adults. So why should you? That's easy. Because father told you you were an adult.
-I believe I told you not to bring him up.
-But earlier, you brought him up yourself. You're not being very fair with me here.
-Forget about it.
-Your wish is my command. What about the manga you bought at the airport? It sure was a surprise that they were selling manga in English.
-I…I bought them on a whim. They were cheap so I succumbed to it.
-That was very weird, they were selling manga in English for cheap in an airport.
This alternate universe in kinda bogus don't you think?
-But anyways, I'm gonna try to sell them when I get settled here. I don't even collect manga. I only read digital.
-Collecting manga is really fun! This was a great twist of fate and you should take advantage of it! Start a small collection, you do need some stuff to decorate your new room after all.
-What's the point? Reading online is free and I have access to way more manga.
-But it feels great to just hold it in your hand and touch the pages!
-Its expensive.
-You barely spend money as is. That's why your savings account is ridiculous. The last time you bought something for yourself other than the manga you bought today, was the hybrid console and a crap ton of games and some other stuff for emulation. Which you didn't buy using your savings account or the money from the investments father gave you for your birthday, but instead with the money you made from selling everything you owned besides your secondary console. And that was 2 years ago. You don't even eat outside. You barely eat at all.
-I'm just saving for college. Or an apartment. My father will stop supporting me financially when I finish high-school. I will need the money.
-The economy isn't that bad! It isn't even bad at all. Plus, you know you can get a scholarship for college or university. It may be a bit hard but you can do it. Father isn't such a cruel person that he won't pay for at the remainder of the costs.
-How dare you. You keep mentioning him-
-You mention him too.
-You keep mentioning him and you dare tell me that he isn't, "such a cruel person"? İf you were truly me, you would know just how wrong that sentence was.
-*sigh* Sorry, but it feels like you don't give him enough credit.
He looks as the hallucination with an all-consuming negativity that the hallucination can't help but frown at.
-İ apologize. I didn't mean to anger you.
-So, how should I refer to you? Because I don't want to keep calling you, "you".
-Well call me anything you want, I couldn't really care less because after all who or what I am is unbeknownst to the both of us. Except that I'm a part of you.
-*tch* Such a damn ambiguous answer, do you have something against giving legit, proper answers?
-Maybe I do, but giving proper answers doesn't hold much meaning to me.
-Fine then, I have decided. İ shall refer to you as "ambiguity".
Hey that's actually a fine choice for a name.
-Yeah, sure I'll accept that, maybe you can even give me a nickname like "ambi"?
He gets pissed off by the rather mediocre joke.
-Ugh why did you even appear?
-I dunno? If you don't know why then I can't have any way of knowing anyway, I just appeared randomly two months ago and don't forget, I'm a part of you.
-I have a hard time believing that.
Ambiguity's voice and gaze sharpens as if he's going to lose his patience.
-And I have a hard time understanding why you don't believe that I'm a part of you, why can't you stop rejecting me!
-Because I know for a fact-
-No the hell you don't, because if you knew what I was I wouldn't appear before you like this. The only thing you know is that I'm a part of you which is the one thing that you keep rejecting you insufferable brat!
-Screw you, I never asked for you to appear before me like this, why don't you just disappear!
His hand lunges for the hallucination but before his hand could reach him, the hallucination disappears, leaving nothing behind. His hand rests there for a few seconds before falling down to the seat, he regains his composure and faces forward.
-H-hey, you there?
Silence, absolute nothingness as he stares at the ground for a second.
-Goddammit.
He says with a slight crack in his voice as the hostess makes an announcement.
-"Hello dear passengers, errr, passenger, we will shortly be descending down to the airport please put your seatbelt on and put your electronics on airplane mode".
He puts his headphones back on and starts playing the opening song for the anime adaptation of this series as the plane descends slowly and it pans out to the sky and the title is shown along with the short guitar riff of the opening because that's cool. He looks at his left, gazing upon a ginormous, beautiful lake.
-"Welcome to The United States of America"
-Murica eh?
End of chapter