Xiao Zhi woke all at once, gasping for air as if she had just survived a nightmare.
She wished she had.
She stayed perfectly still, staring at the ceiling and waiting for reality to catch up.
Then, the whole night came crashing back, suffocating her evenmore. She could still feel the phantom pressure of Kabil's fingers digging into her neck, with no more mercy left. She saw Ruhan throw himself in front of her just as the blade fell. Her palms were shaking as if she could still feel the warmth of his blood staining her skin.
She hadn't expected to sleep, but she had. And she knew why, because Ruhan had stayed. Even after she'd been a nightmare to him for days. Even after the blood and the screaming, he had sat right there in the dark, watching over her until her breathing slowed, as if he were the only thing standing between her and the rest of the world.
She sat up, and he could immediately feel her head throbbing. She pressed her temples with trembling hands. Her stomach did a slow, sick twist when she noticed a tiny, dried brown smudge on her sleeves.
Ruhan's blood.
I was such a fool, she thought, feeling completely ashamed of her petty behavior. She'd spent the last few days being cold and angry, lashing out at him because she thought he was being a coward.
When in reality, he was anything but a coward. He'd been the man bleeding out through his tunic while she complained about his "rules."
"He was right," she whispered, her voice cracking. "Being near me is a death sentence for him."
She remembered the way she had clung to him last night, crying and gasping. In that moment, she had wanted him to never leave. But now, she saw the truth. Ruhan wouldn't just "bleed" for her if they stayed together. He would die.
To walk against the entire palace was one thing in a cheesy romance book. But here, in Lin Rui's cruel world, it was suicide.
He didn't choose to draw a line between them. It was a shield. And she had been a selfish prick for trying to tear it down.
I can't do this to him, she realized. Every step he takes toward me is a step toward his own execution.
Her fingers curled into a fist, her nails digging into her palms. She hated it. She hated the idea of keeping him at arm's length. But in this palace, love was a luxury she couldn't afford.
I was stupid to believe I could enjoy a piece of happiness in this twisted world.
Xiao Zhi took a deep breath and stood up. She walked to the window and watched the palace moving on as servants began their morning rounds, as if nothing had happened.
"I'm sorry, Ruhan," she whispered to the empty room. "For not understanding. For everything."
She swore she won't be a stupid, selfish jerk again. If stepping back, enduring loneliness meant he got to live, she would accept it.
But, she couldn't just sit here. Not now. She needed to see him, just once, to make sure he wasn't dying in some corner of the palace.
She had tried to tend his wound last night, but only because she needed to see for herself that he was alright. Part guilt, part concern. But now, thinking back, she wasn't sure she had done a good job. She was neither a trained doctor nor a nurse, and this wasn't just a scratch you could slap a bandage on.
Xiao Zhi threw on a simple outer robe and stepped outside. She hurried toward the eunuch's quarters, with a heart that pounded as fast as her steps.
Please be there, she prayed. Please just be resting… and alive.
She knew he worked in the Khan's wing, but surely, with a wound that deep, he wouldn't be expected to report for duty. He had to be in his own bed, probably feverish and in pain.
When she reached the row of small, cramped rooms where the attendants slept, she found his door. She knocked softly, then a bit louder when there was no answer.
"Ruhan?" she whispered, leaning her head against the wood.
No answer.
Panic began to flare in her chest again. She turned as a young eunuch walked past, carrying a stack of fresh linens.
"Excuse me," she called out, trying to keep her voice steady despite her disheveled appearance. "The attendant who stays here... Ruhan. Have you seen him this morning?"
The young man stopped, looking confused. He glanced at the closed door and then back at her. "Ruhan? No, Your Highness. He hasn't been back since yesterday. His bed hasn't been slept in."
Xiao Zhi felt the blood drain from her face. "He didn't come back last night?"
"No, Your Highness. Most of us assumed he was kept late at the North Wing. He spends most of his time at the Khan's quarters, after all."
The eunuch bowed and went on his way, leaving her standing alone in the hallway.
Her mind raced. He hadn't come back. He had stayed with her until she fell asleep, but then where did he go? He was bleeding, his back was a mess of torn flesh, and he hadn't returned to the only place he could rest.
I'm an idiot, she thought, a sharp pang of guilt hitting her. I'm a selfish idiot. How could I ask him to stay in that condition?
She shoved the regret aside and focused. She had to find him.
Where is he?
If he wasn't here, he was at the North Wing. He was with the Khan. A surge of sudden, hot anger flared through her. Just how heartless was the Khan? How inconsiderate could a ruler be to force his servant to work while he was suffering from such a grave injury?
She tightened her grip on her robes, her eyes flashing toward the high walls of the North Wing. For a moment, she almost wanted to march right into the Khan's chambers and scold him herself.