Chapter 72: Beating Up Conan and His Witch!
"Saved? What are you talking about?" Kogoro Mouri's voice was hoarse, laced with an instinctive distrust for the white creature. "That— that cat? You're telling me it saved us?"
"What about your plan? Hasn't it all failed now?" Ran gathered her courage to ask. She couldn't understand why this creature, the source of all their suffering, now seemed like a detached bystander.
Kyubey tilted its small head and scratched its ear with a hind paw. "Failed? No. My mission to observe and collect energy in this world has been a complete success. I even acquired some additional, special samples as a bonus." It leaped lightly onto a relatively smooth piece of rubble and began to groom its fur with a forepaw.
"I bear you humans no ill will, nor have I ever intended to deliberately destroy you. This was the necessary result of your own wishes interacting with the laws of the universe. The consequences were brought about by your own illogical wishes. As for the ultimate fate of your species and this planet, that is not a problem we need to concern ourselves with."
…
On the battlefield, the massive, twisted body of the Witch of Truth was enduring an "attack" unlike any it had ever known.
A red-and-blue streak of light—Tom Cat in his Superman costume—was flying in a frantic circle around the Witch at a speed the naked eye could barely follow. His flight path was completely erratic, at times leaving long afterimages, at others creating the swoosh of a cartoon breaking the sound barrier. Occasionally, he'd fly so fast that he would crash DUANG into the Witch's hard outer shell, instantly becoming a flat cat-pancake, only to pop back into shape a second later and continue his high-speed assault as if nothing had happened.
One moment, he'd pull out a giant saw and, using the momentum of his super speed, start furiously sawing at the Witch's "shell" of case files and law books, sending sparks and debris flying with a deafening screech. The next, he'd hover in mid-air, his eyes would suddenly bulge, and he'd shoot red heat-vision beams from them, piercing straight through the Witch and its Labyrinth. Then, he'd produce an oversized air pump, stick it into a "gap" in the Witch, and begin pumping furiously, trying to inflate it like a balloon until it popped. He pumped so fast his arms were a blur, making a comical fwump-fwump-fwump sound.
The Witch instinctively released a blast of magical power—a shockwave that could twist logic and corrode the mind, enough to drive any sane creature to madness or collapse.
But when it hit Tom Cat…
DING!
With a crisp, cartoon sound effect, Tom merely saw a few spinning stars above his head, shook it off, and then charged forward with even greater fury. He pulled a bucket of paint and a brush from behind his back and, at incredible speed, began to graffiti the Witch, painting a goofy clown face and the crookedly written word "IDIOT" on its side.
The Witch's chain-like tentacles whipped toward him. Tom didn't dodge. Instead, he opened his mouth wide and inhaled them like spaghetti, slurping them down with a SLUUURP. He then let out a satisfied burp and patted his instantly bulging belly.
Getting into the spirit of things, Tom pulled out two giant frying pans and began to clang them against the Witch's "head" with a relentless CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! With every strike, the Witch's massive body shuddered violently.
Kyubey calmly livestreamed the end of this world, its final observation before departing.
[Non-Human Chat Group]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Eyes_bulging_into_two_giant_yellow_discs_mouth_an_O.gif]
SpongeBob SquarePants: WHOA!!!! TOM!!!! YOU'RE SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!
SpongeBob SquarePants: That big black monster is shaking all over!!! SO COOL!!!!
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's just like those funny cartoons I used to watch!!!
Squidward: [Covering_eyes_with_tentacles_face_a_mask_of_pained_disgust.jpg]
Squidward: Vulgar! Noisy! Utterly devoid of artistic merit! This is an assault on both the eyes and the ears! What is there to even watch in this stupid farce?! SpongeBob, can you please be quiet?! Your exclamations are giving me a headache even through the screen!
SpongeBob SquarePants: But Squidward! Don't you think Tom is great?!
Squidward: I just think it's loud! And have you forgotten that the thing's real identity is Conan, or Shinichi, or whatever? Besides, I'm going to practice my clarinet. Don't bother me! [Squidward's avatar goes grey]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh yeah! I forgot!! Tom, you're doing great!!! But please go a little easy on him!!!!!
Amidst the continuous, absurd "beating," a change began to occur.
The Witch's massive, chaotic body was becoming unstable. The twisted images that composed it—the broken mirrors, the blood-stained files, the rusty scales—began to crack and even fall away in small chunks. Within the core of the Witch, inside the silhouette of the child in the torn gothic dress, a boy's outline was gradually becoming clearer. It was Conan, wearing his dark blue detective dress. His eyes were squeezed shut, his brow furrowed in pain, as if locked in a fierce internal struggle. Countless faint, black energy threads connected his body to the writhing dark matter of the Witch around him.
"Shinichi!" Ran cried out, a glimmer of hope rekindling in her eyes.
Perhaps it was the call of someone important, or perhaps Tom Cat's reality-bending "physical attacks" had unexpectedly interfered with the Witch's power. Conan's consciousness was struggling to resurface.
…
In the haze of his fragmented consciousness, his obsession to protect those important to him became a final beacon.
Tom Cat, however, didn't care about any of that. He figured Conan needed some "fixing" too.
Conan's consciousness registered the cat. Did it… wake me up?
"Th— CLANG—!"
Before Conan could even get the word "Thanks" out, Tom's frying pan cut him off. Tom didn't know why his opponent had paused. All he knew was that this "big guy" was getting easier and easier to beat up, which only made him more excited.
He pulled out a giant eraser and started vigorously rubbing out the "stains" of lies and contradictions on the Witch's body. He set up an old-fashioned film projector and began showing a hilarious black-and-white silent movie, trying to make the Witch "die of laughter." He even whipped out a giant back-scratcher and started tickling it relentlessly.
Smack!
Then Tom just started slapping it, over and over.
Under Tom Cat's endless barrage of slaps, the Witch of Truth began to visibly disintegrate. The twisted images dissolved, and the dark energy that formed its body thinned. Conan's human figure became clearer and clearer, his outfit reverting to his original dark blue detective dress. The black threads connecting him to the Witch's remnants were snapping one by one.
At the same time, however, Conan's face was getting more and more swollen.
But the Witchification… was being reversed!
Just then, Tom swished the tip of his tail and stomped his foot. He put his paws on his hips and let out a dissatisfied grumble. This was taking too long. His blue eyes darted around as a new idea came to him.
The next second, he grinned and produced a huge pile of hammers and mallets from nowhere. Wooden mallets, iron hammers, rubber mallets, claw hammers—there were even a few inflatable toy hammers. The tools floated into the air, humming. With a wave of Tom's paw, the hammers rained down on what was left of Conan and his Witch.
"BONK! CLANG! BASH! POW! SQUEAK!"
A dense, chaotic, yet strangely rhythmic percussion of impacts filled the air, sending cartoon stars and sparks flying everywhere. Tom proudly folded his arms, watching the chaos with his chin held high, his tail wagging happily.
In this final, furious assault, the falling hammers not only scattered the last of the dark matter, but also shattered the invisible threads of causality with a series of CRACKS. The twisted fate that had ensnared the boy broke apart. The very last black energy thread connecting Conan to the Witch's remains snapped.
The boy's body jolted. The immense, invisible weight that had been crushing him was suddenly gone. The persistent feeling of a deadly fate vanished into thin air. He slowly opened his eyes. They were clear, albeit with a hint of confusion.
Shinichi Kudo was back.
Except—his cheeks were swollen like steamed buns, he had two black eyes, and a few fresh bumps were sprouting on his forehead.
He looked at Tom Cat and tried to say something.
"Fank… yoo…" The sound was slurred and indistinct.
Tom, having just finished his "demolition work," saw something was still moving. He casually picked up a nearby rubber mallet. BONK! Another precise tap, right on Conan's forehead.
Poof.
Conan saw stars.
Tom leaned in, tilting his head, curiously examining the bruised and swollen kid before him. The kid was wearing a dark blue detective dress… looked a little familiar. He reached out a paw and poked Conan's puffy cheek. Then he scratched his own head, his blue eyes full of question marks.
He looked at the boy, who was now beaten beyond recognition, then back at the spot where the Witch had disappeared.
Where did Conan go? Did Kyubey lie to me?