I wasn't supposed to know. I wasn't supposed to hear it.... They didn't tell me... I never heard anything directly from them... It was always overhearing
One night, I overheard them talking. My stepdad, my mom, and my siblings. They were planning to go back to his family house for Christmas. Nobody told me. Nobody asked me. I was just there, in the corner of the house, listening, like I was invisible.... When would I become a part of these conversations?
It hurt so bad. Why didn't they tell me? Why did I have to hear it by accident?
The day before we were supposed to leave, my mom finally came to me. She said, almost casually, "We're going tomorrow. Start packing.".... "why didn't you tell me earlier? " I asked... "Well I'm telling you now pack your bags." She said
Oh well..
That was it. No explanation. No warmth. Just an order.
I packed all my things silently that night
When we got there, to the family house, everything felt strange. They gave me a room downstairs. Every other room was upstairs, close together. All my siblings, my mom, my stepdad, his people—they were all upstairs. I was alone.
And for a moment, I actually liked it. I liked the space. It was quiet, away from them, away from the noise. But deep inside, I knew why they put me there. I was different. I didn't belong with them.
The family members made it clear too. I would greet them, and they would ignore me. My stepdad too—he never really looked at me. They called me her daughter. Never his daughter. Always my mom's daughter, like a label stuck on me to remind everyone that I wasn't theirs.
It cut me so deep. Every time they ignored me, every time they pushed me aside, it was like someone pressing on a bruise that never healed.
I felt dejected. I felt small. I felt sick, really sick inside, like my body didn't even want to be there.
Christmas came, but I wasn't a part of it. Laughter filled the house upstairs, but I stayed in my room downstairs. I locked myself away. I spent the rest of Christmas alone, curled up on my bed, wishing I could disappear.
I was there, but I wasn't there.... I was always watching from the sidelines... Looking in from the outside... Never family... Always an onlooker